Reply to Will DW's libido ever return post-infant years?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Will DW's libido ever return post-infant years?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?[/quote][/quote]

OP here.  Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido.  It may get a thank-you BJ.  That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about.  [b]I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband[/b] as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.[/quote]

Here's the thing:  She doesn't control that.  She really doesn't.  So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either?  You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you?  Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?[/quote]

NP here:  Ah, but there's the rub.  It sounds like you've never experienced the kind of disengaged duty sex that often happens in those circumstances.  It can be a terribly depressing experience.  A woman may not be able to control her libido, but, similarly, a man often can't control being distressed about having committed himself to sexual exclusiveness with a partner who has lost interest in sex, either in general or as to him specifically.  [b]There may not be anyone to blame, but there aren't any easy answers either[/b].  [/quote]

PP you quoted here.  I agree 100%.  No one is to blame.  And yet, somehow, the wife gets the blame (at least, that is how it seems to me, reading here).  I think that's why so many women post here about this topic in angry ways - even those who do have regular sex, despite no libido and being bone-tired, feel that no matter what they do, it is insufficient.

Sometimes I think nature (or God, or whatever) either planned badly, or plays nasty tricks on humans.

[/quote]

I think the reason the wife gets the blame is that, often, she tells her DH that she would be more interested in sex if he did x, y, or z, and when x, y, or z is done, it makes no difference.  "Choreplay" is a good example; I think women often suggest this as a way to improve things, because they have heard or read that it can work, then the DH does it and it does not, in fact, work.  So the DH feels misled.  Maybe this isn't fair, because often the DW herself did not know what might improve things, but that's asking for a lot of understanding at that point.  Particularly if the DH has made significant efforts to implement the things that were supposed to improve the situation.

The other dynamic that leads to blame, I think, is that the DW often isn't honest about her lack of libido, either not wanting to hurt her DH's feelings, or out of fear of the consequences such a revelation would prompt.  But it always surfaces sooner or later, and when it does the DH often feels like his DW has been dishonest or covered it up.  Which, I think, is not an unfair way to look at it; it's denying him information about a crucially important aspect of the marriage from his perspective.

I think this is a common dynamic:  DW loses sexual interest in DH, but knows if she tells him that it will significantly destabilize the marriage, because no DH really signed up for a sexless or near-sexless marriage; DW engages in spin due to some combination of not wanting to hurt feelings/not wanting to jeopardize marriage; ultimately the truth comes out and there is a lot of hurt feelings and anger on both sides.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics