Need a new perspective on problem with in-laws (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

Wow - way to jump to conclusions! Although FIL's wife asked me to make other arrangements, the baby was being well cared for and I was able to make arrangements for him to stay with others. If I had really felt it was dire, we definitely would have come home but I was assured he was fine, they just didnt realize he would need so much attention and were unprepared to offer that kind of attention all weekend. BIL was around over the weekend (with his own kids) and took the brunt of the childcare from Fri night until we returned and the older 2 kids went to their friends on Sunday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was probably unreasonable to leave three small kids, one being a baby, with an elderly couple for an entire week.

They were probably overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, frustrated. Having said that, they should get over it.

Did it not occur to you that it might be too much for them? Also, what is your husband's take on this since it's his father.

They arent elderly - they are 62 and 51.

DH is upset too, but he is more inclined to fight back to show how we did make it easy and did warn them about accidents, etc while I am trying to figure out the best approach to move forward. I dont care about being right, I just want to have a good relationship.

He wants to fight with people who cared for your THREE small children while you frolicked around without a care in the world. I would have flown back immediately. You didn't!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

Wow - way to jump to conclusions! Although FIL's wife asked me to make other arrangements, the baby was being well cared for and I was able to make arrangements for him to stay with others. If I had really felt it was dire, we definitely would have come home but I was assured he was fine, they just didnt realize he would need so much attention and were unprepared to offer that kind of attention all weekend. BIL was around over the weekend (with his own kids) and took the brunt of the childcare from Fri night until we returned and the older 2 kids went to their friends on Sunday morning.

They told you they could not take care of him anymore, and needed to get him somewhere else, and that was not a tip off to you that you should come home? I am not "jumping to conclusions", I think you densely missed a huge, glaring signal that you should get home and get your kids out of there. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

Yea, you are crazy. The in-laws were caring for the baby, they just were not happy about it. they did not abuse the baby. Way to over-react!

[Anonymous]

OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is upset too, but he is more inclined to fight back to show how we did make it easy and did warn them about accidents

With this attitude, you were absolutely correct about one thing in your OP- it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I'm not saying the ILs overreacted but my head is spinning trying to follow that rigid schedule you planned for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

Wow - way to jump to conclusions! Although FIL's wife asked me to make other arrangements, the baby was being well cared for and I was able to make arrangements for him to stay with others. If I had really felt it was dire, we definitely would have come home but I was assured he was fine, they just didnt realize he would need so much attention and were unprepared to offer that kind of attention all weekend. BIL was around over the weekend (with his own kids) and took the brunt of the childcare from Fri night until we returned and the older 2 kids went to their friends on Sunday morning.

They told you they could not take care of him anymore, and needed to get him somewhere else, and that was not a tip off to you that you should come home? I am not "jumping to conclusions", I think you densely missed a huge, glaring signal that you should get home and get your kids out of there. Come on.

You are totally nuts! LOL! Somehow I see therapy in your kids' futures. LOL!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

Yea, you are crazy. The in-laws were caring for the baby, they just were not happy about it. they did not abuse the baby. Way to over-react!

Yes, its crrrrrrazy to cut short a week long vaca by two days when the people taking care of your kids have told you it is too much for them and you need to get the baby somewhere else. So you are making arrangements for a tiny baby's care from a distance -- you can't pick up the baby, nothing. I can't even imagine that. Sorry, I would be on the first flight home, and I am sure I am not alone here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people think they should have kids and still be able to live like they are singe. A week vacation????

Exactly, my kids are 14and12 and I wouldn't leave them for a week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

This -- a voice of reason. Know this OP -- and ask your husband if he wants peace or to be right. You just won't leave the kids with them anymore -- lesson learned. Sorry it was a hard one. And pay no attention to the fruit loop who insists you should have come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

Wow - way to jump to conclusions! Although FIL's wife asked me to make other arrangements, the baby was being well cared for and I was able to make arrangements for him to stay with others. If I had really felt it was dire, we definitely would have come home but I was assured he was fine, they just didnt realize he would need so much attention and were unprepared to offer that kind of attention all weekend. BIL was around over the weekend (with his own kids) and took the brunt of the childcare from Fri night until we returned and the older 2 kids went to their friends on Sunday morning.

They told you they could not take care of him anymore, and needed to get him somewhere else, and that was not a tip off to you that you should come home? I am not "jumping to conclusions", I think you densely missed a huge, glaring signal that you should get home and get your kids out of there. Come on.

You are totally nuts! LOL! Somehow I see therapy in your kids' futures. LOL!!!

Yes, LOLZ. Therapy for my kids, not for the one passed around for a week while teething and going through separation anxiety, while his parents were on a once in a lifetime vacation, or the ones pooping on the floor and getting yelled at. LOL for shiz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people think they should have kids and still be able to live like they are singe. A week vacation????

Exactly, my kids are 14and12 and I wouldn't leave them for a week

Something tells me that the post and response are from the same person.

[Anonymous]

Next time maybe ask the nanny to do the overnights and have a mother's helper in the evening to give nanny a break. Maybe grandparents can do some time on a weekend for a couple hours or something. Clearly the grandparents weren't up for the task but I don't think you did anything inherently wrong other than not insisting the kids sleep in their own bed which might have helped. Nanny might have been able to tackle wet bedding after the kids left for school. The grandparents probably didn't think about the logistics of getting themselves and the kids out the door in the morning. Doesn't sound likethey really had much to do overall, but it was still a disruption to their routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, accidents in the bed is a real no-no for someone who is an only child and never had kids. You have three very young kids and that is a handful. They are mad at you because they underestimated the amount of work. I am sure there were some glorious words exchanged! Give them some space. (You did not do anything wrong, but really, that is a lot for this couple) I, who have had kids and gone through this stage, would have just said no right away. Most people would. Sorry.

Accidents on the carpet are even worse. That's where her kids had accidents. Yuck yuck