DD is extremely disappointed

[Anonymous]

OP, from what you've said, this was really irresponsible of you (and your spouse, if any). How could you have not run your numbers until now? Really, what were you thinking? How could you have entrusted your kid's education to what you've "heard" about the availability of financial aid? I doubt this could have been mere inadvertence. Is there something else going on? New financial commitments? Other bases of financial insecurity? Are you and your daughter having other issues? Are there other reasons you are apprehensive about the private school? We all make mistakes, big ones, but this just seems so nonsensical that I"m wondering whether there is something else going on.

[Anonymous]

Calm the eff down people. The OP's child is not going to die. If she can't take this, then the child is likely ill prepared to handle the academic rigors of a competitive high school anyway. I bet the kid is probably freaking out because she's already told all her friends that she is going to private school and now she's embarrassed.

This is why all your special snowflakes are ill equipped to handle the real world. You try to soften every blow so much that when they hit grown up life, they flounder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calm the eff down people. The OP's child is not going to die. If she can't take this, then the child is likely ill prepared to handle the academic rigors of a competitive high school anyway. I bet the kid is probably freaking out because she's already told all her friends that she is going to private school and now she's embarrassed.

This is why all your special snowflakes are ill equipped to handle the real world. You try to soften every blow so much that when they hit grown up life, they flounder.

True, but here the blow is from her mom acting like a total idiot and not doing basic math. It just shows such a basic lack of respect fro her daughter's feeling an time. I'd be embarrassed if my parents had been so careless about something important to me. I don't think it's about not being able to afford the school or that she will stay at the school she's at. The issue is that her mom acted with such little consideration about something important to her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but this is just terrible! You owe your daughter the biggest apology. And you write that you "kind of wish" you didn't put her through this? You were the catalyst here, and you didn't run the numbers before you gave her false hope and made her work really hard? I'm sorry but this is one of the most stunning posts I've seen on DCUM ever.

Same here. I'm sure the girl is feeling disappointed but also betrayed by her parents. I'm trying to think what I would have done when I was applying to colleges (not exactly the same but close) and my parents encouraged me to strive to get into these great schools, and when I got into one I was told, sorry we actually can't afford it. Guess we didn't do our homework before hand to make sure we could. Oh well, state school it is. Betrayal, losing my trust in my parents, being pissed, so many emotions come to mind. I hope you have already said you're sorry (without the guilt trip of "I feel so bad, etc" added in).

It is not your parents' fault that you didn't get good enough grades to get adequate scholarships for the school of your dreams. That is your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but this is just terrible! You owe your daughter the biggest apology. And you write that you "kind of wish" you didn't put her through this? You were the catalyst here, and you didn't run the numbers before you gave her false hope and made her work really hard? I'm sorry but this is one of the most stunning posts I've seen on DCUM ever.

Same here. I'm sure the girl is feeling disappointed but also betrayed by her parents. I'm trying to think what I would have done when I was applying to colleges (not exactly the same but close) and my parents encouraged me to strive to get into these great schools, and when I got into one I was told, sorry we actually can't afford it. Guess we didn't do our homework before hand to make sure we could. Oh well, state school it is. Betrayal, losing my trust in my parents, being pissed, so many emotions come to mind. I hope you have already said you're sorry (without the guilt trip of "I feel so bad, etc" added in).

It is not your parents' fault that you didn't get good enough grades to get adequate scholarships for the school of your dreams. That is your fault.

I'm sorry you can't read. I clearly stated "I'm trying to think what I would have done" As in a hypothetical type of situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but this is just terrible! You owe your daughter the biggest apology. And you write that you "kind of wish" you didn't put her through this? You were the catalyst here, and you didn't run the numbers before you gave her false hope and made her work really hard? I'm sorry but this is one of the most stunning posts I've seen on DCUM ever.

Same here. I'm sure the girl is feeling disappointed but also betrayed by her parents. I'm trying to think what I would have done when I was applying to colleges (not exactly the same but close) and my parents encouraged me to strive to get into these great schools, and when I got into one I was told, sorry we actually can't afford it. Guess we didn't do our homework before hand to make sure we could. Oh well, state school it is. Betrayal, losing my trust in my parents, being pissed, so many emotions come to mind. I hope you have already said you're sorry (without the guilt trip of "I feel so bad, etc" added in).

It is not your parents' fault that you didn't get good enough grades to get adequate scholarships for the school of your dreams. That is your fault.

I'm sorry you can't read. I clearly stated "I'm trying to think what I would have done" As in a hypothetical type of situation.

Thank you, and I'm sorry you can't punctuate. Maybe revisit those schools?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're hurt because I pointed out your lack of reading comprehension. As for me, it is 1am where I currently am and I've been up for a good portion of the night with a teething and very grumpy baby, so cut me some slack!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok I get it, I am terrible! I already know that. Jeez!

She cried for a bit, was upset. She has stopped now and is talking to me. We are quite close. She knows I am always there for her. I typically give her everything she needs and wants. She knows this!

Yes, I owe her big time. I am sure there is something I can give her to compensate as a couple posters mentioned, she is 12 years old after all.

I haven't formally declined the offer yet. We can do it, just money will be tight for us. I haven't dismissed the idea completely.

I think you need to enroll her and cut back elsewhere. Maybe you could sell off some of that stock that prevents you from getting FA.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you guys are dramatic.

OP, yes, this is a disappointment for your daughter, but it also says a lot about you that even though you did make a mistake and put her on a bit of an emotional roller coaster unnecessarily, you recognize the importance of financial stability and THAT is more important for your family. You are teaching your daughter that yes, even parents make mistakes, what you should have done to avoid this, that you can apologize for it, and that it will be ok and it is important to be financially responsible. These are solid lessons to learn, and honestly, the public schools in this area are fantastic. It's so easy to get caught up in the craziness of the private school world in the DCUM land. But ultimately, kids do great in a variety of circumstances and adversity builds experience and character that ultimately leads to real success and self-reliance/self-esteem.

I do think you need to own this mistake, and explain how proud you are of her and where you went wrong, but really that this will be ok and she will be great no matter where she is. She would rather have a stable, happy family than any private school.

Fyi, I went to pretty mediocre public schools in Florida of all places (which I know gets knocked on these boards a lot). I went to a state university for free, got my PhD at a state school (a UC) for FREE, and work alongside my Ivy league colleagues for the same salary, though I have more cash because I don't have any loans to contend with.

Hang in there. She will get over it and not even look back eventually. Plus, middle school is hard anywhere you go.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe posters are giving OP slack. Parents are supposed to protect their children from disappointment. Not put them in situations that are not only hugely disappointing but involve hours and hours of work. I'm sorry but this is one instance where I cannot give this parent an ounce of empathy. She screwed over her daughter in the most egregious way, and comes back all huffy at anyone who calls her one it. (Geez? Yes, geez.)

[Anonymous]

P.S. And OP seems to be changing her story!

[Anonymous]

OP, suck it up and find a way to send her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disney World, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disney World burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disney World, but it was getting pretty late.

I think I love you....

[Anonymous]

my mom did something similar to me over the years - not regarding schools but enrichment activities. first she started me as a toddler in ice skating. by 9 years old i was pretty darn good and had already been in 3 local competitions. i was ready for the next level and BAM. she said it was getting too expensive and time consuming, so i was 100% done with ice skating. there were no more lessons, period. i was devastated. next was acting. i started doing plays in my middle school, was part of the set design team, etc. i loved it. i joined an acting troupe in my town and it was so much fun. my troupe was offered spots to perform in Chicago's annual Nutcracker performance (we lived in the suburbs) which, of course, entailed rehearsals downtown. my mom absolutely forbid me to do it, saying that she didn't want to drive me to and from Chicago. i am not even sure if she checked to see if carpooling was available. needless to say, i was the ONLY one in the troupe who did not perform in the Nutcracker that year. it was an amazing experience for all of them, it was a one time thing, and my mom could not bring herself to make it work for me just ONE time.

these are just two examples of what my mom actively did to me, OP. yes, actively did. they were not even passive decisions. it took me a looooong time to not feel betrayed by her. do you really want your DD to feel that way about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you guys are dramatic.

OP, yes, this is a disappointment for your daughter, but it also says a lot about you that even though you did make a mistake and put her on a bit of an emotional roller coaster unnecessarily, you recognize the importance of financial stability and THAT is more important for your family. You are teaching your daughter that yes, even parents make mistakes, what you should have done to avoid this, that you can apologize for it, and that it will be ok and it is important to be financially responsible. These are solid lessons to learn, and honestly, the public schools in this area are fantastic. It's so easy to get caught up in the craziness of the private school world in the DCUM land. But ultimately, kids do great in a variety of circumstances and adversity builds experience and character that ultimately leads to real success and self-reliance/self-esteem.

I do think you need to own this mistake, and explain how proud you are of her and where you went wrong, but really that this will be ok and she will be great no matter where she is. She would rather have a stable, happy family than any private school.

Fyi, I went to pretty mediocre public schools in Florida of all places (which I know gets knocked on these boards a lot). I went to a state university for free, got my PhD at a state school (a UC) for FREE, and work alongside my Ivy league colleagues for the same salary, though I have more cash because I don't have any loans to contend with.

Hang in there. She will get over it and not even look back eventually. Plus, middle school is hard anywhere you go.

Excellent post and I agree completely.