DD is extremely disappointed

[Anonymous]

Oh FFS OP, this isn't about you so stop with the "I'm so terrible " BS. Just work on repairing the betrayal your daughter feels right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

See if there's FA.

I read that if you have equity, or savings and stocks...you don't get FA. Therefore I never applied. Deadline is now over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really okay for kids to be disappointed and sad. Normal and appropriate emotions for the situation. Help her learn how to cope with these feelings. Validate how she feels and help her move forward.

This was probably the first real disappointment she has ever felt. I understand her disappointment completely.

Absolutely - it is what it is. And it is okay for her to be disappointed. You didn't set out to hurt her and don't let your guilt make you do things to buy back her happiness. Circumstances happen. Adversity is what makes us stronger. It will help her deal with future disappointments when she realizes she can still have a great life and be as successful as she wants to be, even if not in the school she wanted.

But the thing is, it isn't just about disappointment, it is also about betrayal. Imagine being a teenager and going through all these steps to get into a private school, and having your parents talk it up and encourage you, and when you finally get in (a BIG deal) your parents say...actually just kidding. We can't afford it and never really bothered to open the books to see if we could. Oh well. Too bad, so sad. At least there is public. Major betrayal in the eyes of a teenager.

I don't see it as betrayal at all. OP didn't say they built it up like that as sure thing then pulled the rug out, saying just kidding. If they did that then sure, it was a betrayal. I doubt they did though. Maybe all along they talked about it as a possibility, about everything needing to come together for it to happen. I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh FFS OP, this isn't about you so stop with the "I'm so terrible " BS. Just work on repairing the betrayal your daughter feels right now.

I am working on it, and I am also discussing other options with my DH. To see if we can make this happen. It seems doubtful.

[Anonymous]

You should send her. She earned it and you facilitated the process. You've said you can swing it. Do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh FFS OP, this isn't about you so stop with the "I'm so terrible " BS. Just work on repairing the betrayal your daughter feels right now.

Right? I am starting to wonder if this is a troll. Does a mom of a 12 y.o. really use an emoticon to express the searing realization that she has betrayed her daughter?

[Anonymous]

OP,

You sound borderline narcissistic in your handling of other's emotions.

First you let your DD apply and work hard to be accepted without actually doing the financial math, then you tell her she can't go and make her suffer, then you come on here with a post titled "DD is so disappointed", and after 2 pages say casually that actually perhaps you can afford it!

Actually, you sound exactly like my mother. I was very close to her in childhood, hated her as a teen when I realized what she was, and escaped as soon as I possibly could to another continent. Now she sees my kids once a year for a few days at the very most, and only if she behaves herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really okay for kids to be disappointed and sad. Normal and appropriate emotions for the situation. Help her learn how to cope with these feelings. Validate how she feels and help her move forward.

This was probably the first real disappointment she has ever felt. I understand her disappointment completely.

Absolutely - it is what it is. And it is okay for her to be disappointed. You didn't set out to hurt her and don't let your guilt make you do things to buy back her happiness. Circumstances happen. Adversity is what makes us stronger. It will help her deal with future disappointments when she realizes she can still have a great life and be as successful as she wants to be, even if not in the school she wanted.

But the thing is, it isn't just about disappointment, it is also about betrayal. Imagine being a teenager and going through all these steps to get into a private school, and having your parents talk it up and encourage you, and when you finally get in (a BIG deal) your parents say...actually just kidding. We can't afford it and never really bothered to open the books to see if we could. Oh well. Too bad, so sad. At least there is public. Major betrayal in the eyes of a teenager.

I don't see it as betrayal at all. OP didn't say they built it up like that as sure thing then pulled the rug out, saying just kidding. If they did that then sure, it was a betrayal. I doubt they did though. Maybe all along they talked about it as a possibility, about everything needing to come together for it to happen. I don't know.

OP here, exactly! I told her we are just looking at all the options. We will put them out on the table and evaluate it. I also told her public school was still an option throughout the entire process. What mother would intentionally betray their child. That is all kinds of wrong!

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I am truly sorry this has happened to your family. I can only tell you that you've created a bit of a 'what if' situation here and there's no easy way out -- if she doesn't accept the offer, you and she will wonder 'what if' along almost every way (college admissions, grades, learning opportunities, etc.). If she goes and you make what will clearly be hard sacrifices, you and she and the rest of your family will bear a kind of resentment because of the things you won't be able to have due to the cost.

Having said that;
You're not a terrible person, but you also are clearly not fully in touch with what an independent school will cost (and it only gets worse -- there are a lot of hidden costs, etc.). If you are not prepared for this kind of sticker shock I don't think you'll find those other costs any easier to bear. Tell her -- PROMISE HER -- that you will work with her to set aside a certain amount of what you would have spent on tuition so that when it comes to colleges, you and she will have a little more breathing room (I am assuming you will be assisting with tuition -- perhaps not, and I would understand, for not everyone can do so).

She has learned from this. So have you. I am sorry it comes at such a cost.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really okay for kids to be disappointed and sad. Normal and appropriate emotions for the situation. Help her learn how to cope with these feelings. Validate how she feels and help her move forward.

This was probably the first real disappointment she has ever felt. I understand her disappointment completely.

Absolutely - it is what it is. And it is okay for her to be disappointed. You didn't set out to hurt her and don't let your guilt make you do things to buy back her happiness. Circumstances happen. Adversity is what makes us stronger. It will help her deal with future disappointments when she realizes she can still have a great life and be as successful as she wants to be, even if not in the school she wanted.

But the thing is, it isn't just about disappointment, it is also about betrayal. Imagine being a teenager and going through all these steps to get into a private school, and having your parents talk it up and encourage you, and when you finally get in (a BIG deal) your parents say...actually just kidding. We can't afford it and never really bothered to open the books to see if we could. Oh well. Too bad, so sad. At least there is public. Major betrayal in the eyes of a teenager.

I don't see it as betrayal at all. OP didn't say they built it up like that as sure thing then pulled the rug out, saying just kidding. If they did that then sure, it was a betrayal. I doubt they did though. Maybe all along they talked about it as a possibility, about everything needing to come together for it to happen. I don't know.

The girl is 12. Unless OP made it very clear that it was unlikely they'd be able to afford the school, a 12 year old is going to see it as a betrayal.

[Anonymous]

The parent does not "owe" her daughter anything, other than a candid explanation and some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were not thinking of accepting, then yes, encouraging your daughter to hope was unnecessarily cruel. There are other ways of improving her essays, interviews, and SSAT.

Of course we were thinking about accepting.

But you did zero thinking into if attending was a reality or not. I hope you've apologized to your daughter for me messing up. I feel so bad for her.

Good grief. Such guilt-tripping. The OP's daughter will get over it quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I am truly sorry this has happened to your family. I can only tell you that you've created a bit of a 'what if' situation here and there's no easy way out -- if she doesn't accept the offer, you and she will wonder 'what if' along almost every way (college admissions, grades, learning opportunities, etc.). If she goes and you make what will clearly be hard sacrifices, you and she and the rest of your family will bear a kind of resentment because of the things you won't be able to have due to the cost.

Having said that;
You're not a terrible person, but you also are clearly not fully in touch with what an independent school will cost (and it only gets worse -- there are a lot of hidden costs, etc.). If you are not prepared for this kind of sticker shock I don't think you'll find those other costs any easier to bear. Tell her -- PROMISE HER -- that you will work with her to set aside a certain amount of what you would have spent on tuition so that when it comes to colleges, you and she will have a little more breathing room (I am assuming you will be assisting with tuition -- perhaps not, and I would understand, for not everyone can do so).

She has learned from this. So have you. I am sorry it comes at such a cost.

Good luck.

You are so melodramatic. Lighten the fuck up.

[Anonymous]

I would strongly suggest you talk to the school before you say no. Also, maybe take another look at your finances and see what you can do. If her heart is so set on this school, maybe she will try much harder than if she has to settle for your public school.

[Anonymous]

I sort of feel like OP was more motivated by seeing how her DD would fare against the private school applicant crowd than by doing right by her daughter.