DD is extremely disappointed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, only you can truthfully know whether -- perhaps -- you encouraged you daughter to apply to the very best private school to satisfy your own ego; that is, to prove to yourself and the world that you have raised a daughter who is intelligent and talented enough to succeed on her own merits in this world. I am assuming that this was not your motivation.

Why on earth would you assume that? Part of the reason I try very hard to raise my DDs right is to satisfy my own ego. It's part of the reason every parent puts in time and effort. We just don't like to admit it to ourselves. But it seems to me that perceiving reality for what it is yields better results than PC delusions.

I now assume that this entire thread has been a put on. The joke's on me and all of the other posters who have expressed genuine empathy, sympathy and concern, and offered well-thought out advice. Candid camera, you can step out from behind the curtain!

Uh, I don't think 12:52 was the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you guys are dramatic.

OP, yes, this is a disappointment for your daughter, but it also says a lot about you that even though you did make a mistake and put her on a bit of an emotional roller coaster unnecessarily, you recognize the importance of financial stability and THAT is more important for your family. You are teaching your daughter that yes, even parents make mistakes, what you should have done to avoid this, that you can apologize for it, and that it will be ok and it is important to be financially responsible. These are solid lessons to learn, and honestly, the public schools in this area are fantastic. It's so easy to get caught up in the craziness of the private school world in the DCUM land. But ultimately, kids do great in a variety of circumstances and adversity builds experience and character that ultimately leads to real success and self-reliance/self-esteem.

I do think you need to own this mistake, and explain how proud you are of her and where you went wrong, but really that this will be ok and she will be great no matter where she is. She would rather have a stable, happy family than any private school.

Fyi, I went to pretty mediocre public schools in Florida of all places (which I know gets knocked on these boards a lot). I went to a state university for free, got my PhD at a state school (a UC) for FREE, and work alongside my Ivy league colleagues for the same salary, though I have more cash because I don't have any loans to contend with.

Hang in there. She will get over it and not even look back eventually. Plus, middle school is hard anywhere you go.

+1

Another entertaining private school thread. Good parents never disappoint their snowflakes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe posters are giving OP slack. Parents are supposed to protect their children from disappointment. Not put them in situations that are not only hugely disappointing but involve hours and hours of work. I'm sorry but this is one instance where I cannot give this parent an ounce of empathy. She screwed over her daughter in the most egregious way, and comes back all huffy at anyone who calls her one it. (Geez? Yes, geez.)

This may be the most misguided statement in a thread rife with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think it is that big of a deal. She know she is smart enough to get in but when it comes down to it, it is a big waste of money if your public is a good option. I actually think saying we decided not to afford it instead of we can't afford it is fine.

People must really pamper their kids to think this is such a big deal.

This thread reminds me of when gasp my friend's daughter had to drive a corolla (the nanny's old car) instead of their old BMW (that they told her was hers when she turned 16) because they were in an accident. The dad was willing to give her the old Family car but not go out an buy a BMW for her, she cried, oh well.

There is NO comparison to your, gasp, friend's daughter and OP's situation.

Actually, I think it is a perfect comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you expecting aid? I'm unclear why you applied?

We never applied for financial aid. I don't think we would have qualified (i.e. lot of equity, savings stocks etc)

Initially I was looking at other options outside of public school. We thought we could afford it. However, as we starting adding up all our expenses it seems we can do it but we will be very tight financially.

Sorry OP, why didn't you go through your finances before making your daughter go through all the motions to get accepted???? I don't get it. I'm sure you know a ball park figure of how much school was going to cost $12k or $30k.

Your daughter has a right to be upset, she worked hard and you set her up!

Seriously? There are posts on this forum all the time from people who are 1 or more years into private school and realize that the finances just aren't working for them. People *think* they can swing it, and then when they really take a good hard look, they realize it cuts too close to the bone for them. I think it is great that OP realized it NOW as opposed to 2 years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok I get it, I am terrible! I already know that. Jeez!

She cried for a bit, was upset. She has stopped now and is talking to me. We are quite close. She knows I am always there for her. I typically give her everything she needs and wants. She knows this!

Yes, I owe her big time. I am sure there is something I can give her to compensate as a couple posters mentioned, she is 12 years old after all.

I haven't formally declined the offer yet. We can do it, just money will be tight for us. I haven't dismissed the idea completely.

OP, you need to figure out a way to send her. You said you have lots of equity and lots of stocks. You also said it would be tight but you could do it. So, you CAN do it, you are just risk adverse and are worried something will go wrong financially. Well, that is why you have stocks and savings. IF someone goes wrong, you can sell stock or dip into savings. You have years to rebuild any finanl losses. Your daughters doesn not hav years to wait to go to private school. Also, call the school and see if they can help you somehow. in other words, TRY!

Not only are you be trying your daughter by saying " oh never mind" you are also teaching her that it's okay to just give up on something important. She put all the time and energy into getting into this school, you now need to put time and energy into figuring out how to make it happen for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I get it, I am terrible! I already know that. Jeez!

She cried for a bit, was upset. She has stopped now and is talking to me. We are quite close. She knows I am always there for her. I typically give her everything she needs and wants. She knows this!

Yes, I owe her big time. I am sure there is something I can give her to compensate as a couple posters mentioned, she is 12 years old after all.

I haven't formally declined the offer yet. We can do it, just money will be tight for us. I haven't dismissed the idea completely.

OP, you need to figure out a way to send her. You said you have lots of equity and lots of stocks. You also said it would be tight but you could do it. So, you CAN do it, you are just risk adverse and are worried something will go wrong financially. Well, that is why you have stocks and savings. IF someone goes wrong, you can sell stock or dip into savings. You have years to rebuild any finanl losses. Your daughters doesn not hav years to wait to go to private school. Also, call the school and see if they can help you somehow. in other words, TRY!

Not only are you be trying your daughter by saying " oh never mind" you are also teaching her that it's okay to just give up on something important. She put all the time and energy into getting into this school, you now need to put time and energy into figuring out how to make it happen for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe posters are giving OP slack. Parents are supposed to protect their children from disappointment. Not put them in situations that are not only hugely disappointing but involve hours and hours of work. I'm sorry but this is one instance where I cannot give this parent an ounce of empathy. She screwed over her daughter in the most egregious way, and comes back all huffy at anyone who calls her one it. (Geez? Yes, geez.)

In a nutshell you have captured much of what is wrong with this country. A little disappointment builds character, makes you hungrier, work harder, helps you to learn to deal with adversity. I am sure OP regrets what happened but you people and your judgment really need to give it a rest.

A little disappointment definitely does build character. But typically it is a disappointment not caused by the general irresponsibility of one's own mother. I do not fault the mother for not being able to afford the tuition. But the child worked hard and succeeded and according to OP there was no change in circumstances that led to the financial hardship. So what does this betrayal actually do? Teach her child to be tougher and more resilient bc mom might screw her in the future and now she'll be steeled against that? Nice.

[Anonymous]

Disappointment is fine, depending on age but OP in your case, I think you screwed up.

[Anonymous]

To me, the problem is not that you said no private school. Public school is fine. It's not even that she applied and you said no. It's that going into it, she was lead to believe that she'd be able to go if she got in - and she had no reason to believe otherwise. That's pretty irresponsible on your part. If you have doubts, why couldn't you have just said six months ago when she was applying - "Well DD, we understand you're interested in private school. If you got in, there's a chance you may be able to go, and a chance you may not due to finances. You can apply, but don't get your hopes up...we'll have to wait until financial aid comes in and our finances are solidified. If you're willing to go through the process will the knowledge you may not be able to go even if you got in, you can do that."

That's how my parents' handled college for me.

[Anonymous]

College is later, kids are that much older ~ handling the disappointment/or simliar is different.

[Anonymous]

Most of the people crying the loudest on this thread could not afford private if their life depended on it. So why so angry?

[Anonymous]

We actually were in the same position. We applied for two kids and were not sure how we would make it work without some aid but the difference is, OP, we applied for financial aid and made it clear to the FA officials at the schools we applied to that we would need and be applying for aid. Fortunately we received some money, enough to make it work. And, yes, we are a six figure combined HHI but we still applied and didn't rely on rumors and innuendo like OP. It's still a lot of money but it's doable. Had we not gotten any aid, the DCs would have had to continue in our public middle which is a good school. They would have been fine with it and actually they did not want to leave the public school but we wanted them to have other opportunities that would not be available in the public school. At no time did we discuss the money issue with them. Kids don't really understand that in elementary or middle school. We felt like that was our issue as parents to figure out. Thankfully it worked out but we reviewed the numbers and openly discussed our situation with the FA officials which includes supporting an elderly grandparent. I just think OP did not think it through and went into things willy, nilly, which is not wise and very disappointing for her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the people crying the loudest on this thread could not afford private if their life depended on it. So why so angry?

How do you know? And what difference does it make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, only you can truthfully know whether -- perhaps -- you encouraged you daughter to apply to the very best private school to satisfy your own ego; that is, to prove to yourself and the world that you have raised a daughter who is intelligent and talented enough to succeed on her own merits in this world. I am assuming that this was not your motivation.

Why on earth would you assume that? Part of the reason I try very hard to raise my DDs right is to satisfy my own ego. It's part of the reason every parent puts in time and effort. We just don't like to admit it to ourselves. But it seems to me that perceiving reality for what it is yields better results than PC delusions.

I now assume that this entire thread has been a put on. The joke's on me and all of the other posters who have expressed genuine empathy, sympathy and concern, and offered well-thought out advice. Candid camera, you can step out from behind the curtain!

OP here...and no that quote is not me!