DD is extremely disappointed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, only you can truthfully know whether -- perhaps -- you encouraged you daughter to apply to the very best private school to satisfy your own ego; that is, to prove to yourself and the world that you have raised a daughter who is intelligent and talented enough to succeed on her own merits in this world. I am assuming that this was not your motivation.

The benefit to your daughter of the application process -- even if you decide not to send her to the private school -- is that, yes(!), she did demonstrate to herself, to her parents, and to the admissions committee that she is an intelligent and talented young woman who is capable of great success in her life.

I believe that parents have to make the decisions that are best for the entire family, with more weight given to the adults. If sending her to the private school will place too much of a financial burden on your family, then it is not for your daughter's "feelings" to trump that reality.

Trust me, we have moved our DS and DD around the world more than once, in order to further DH professional and personal ambitions, as well my own. Our children similarly sometimes felt upset to leave a school or friends, but they have always adapted and they are resilient. Your daughter is also.

OP here

Thank you for this. It is exactly what I was saying before. Children are more resilient then we think.

Of course I did not intentionally do this. Yes, we thought we could swing it during the admissions process. I am pretty sure we still can. However, I rather not take the risk. I don't want to put her in and realize a year a two down the road that we can not afford it and pull her out of private school later. THAT would hurt her more. A lot of parents end up doing that. I have two other children to think about as well. My DD knew this going in. I hid nothing from her.

[Anonymous]

I don't think anyone is saying your daughter won't recover. Of course she will. It's not the end of the world. But it is disappointment caused by her parents' carelessness.

It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone is saying your daughter won't recover. Of course she will. It's not the end of the world. But it is disappointment caused by her parents' carelessness.

It happens.

OP here

Agreed. I like the suggestion a PP has given. Calling the school and seeing if something can be worked out for us. I will def give this a try.

[Anonymous]

OP here

Thank you for this. It is exactly what I was saying before. Children are more resilient then we think.

Of course I did not intentionally do this. Yes, we thought we could swing it during the admissions process. I am pretty sure we still can. However, I rather not take the risk. I don't want to put her in and realize a year a two down the road that we can not afford it and pull her out of private school later. THAT would hurt her more. A lot of parents end up doing that. I have two other children to think about as well. My DD knew this going in. I hid nothing from her.

Whatever you do, don't start--if you can't afford it. It is much worse when you have to drop for financial reasons. Right now it is just a 12 year olds dream. Once it becomes a reality, then it is tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but this is just terrible! You owe your daughter the biggest apology. And you write that you "kind of wish" you didn't put her through this? You were the catalyst here, and you didn't run the numbers before you gave her false hope and made her work really hard? I'm sorry but this is one of the most stunning posts I've seen on DCUM ever.

Same here. I'm sure the girl is feeling disappointed but also betrayed by her parents. I'm trying to think what I would have done when I was applying to colleges (not exactly the same but close) and my parents encouraged me to strive to get into these great schools, and when I got into one I was told, sorry we actually can't afford it. Guess we didn't do our homework before hand to make sure we could. Oh well, state school it is. Betrayal, losing my trust in my parents, being pissed, so many emotions come to mind. I hope you have already said you're sorry (without the guilt trip of "I feel so bad, etc" added in).

It is not your parents' fault that you didn't get good enough grades to get adequate scholarships for the school of your dreams. That is your fault.

Uhhhh, top schools don't give scholarships..

They sure do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, only you can truthfully know whether -- perhaps -- you encouraged you daughter to apply to the very best private school to satisfy your own ego; that is, to prove to yourself and the world that you have raised a daughter who is intelligent and talented enough to succeed on her own merits in this world. I am assuming that this was not your motivation.

The benefit to your daughter of the application process -- even if you decide not to send her to the private school -- is that, yes(!), she did demonstrate to herself, to her parents, and to the admissions committee that she is an intelligent and talented young woman who is capable of great success in her life.

I believe that parents have to make the decisions that are best for the entire family, with more weight given to the adults. If sending her to the private school will place too much of a financial burden on your family, then it is not for your daughter's "feelings" to trump that reality.

Trust me, we have moved our DS and DD around the world more than once, in order to further DH professional and personal ambitions, as well my own. Our children similarly sometimes felt upset to leave a school or friends, but they have always adapted and they are resilient. Your daughter is also.

OP here

Thank you for this. It is exactly what I was saying before. Children are more resilient then we think.

Of course I did not intentionally do this. Yes, we thought we could swing it during the admissions process. I am pretty sure we still can. However, I rather not take the risk. I don't want to put her in and realize a year a two down the road that we can not afford it and pull her out of private school later. THAT would hurt her more. A lot of parents end up doing that. I have two other children to think about as well. My DD knew this going in. I hid nothing from her.

So, what happens when, someday, your daughter figures out that you could have afforded it? Because she will. Not to mention, you're changing your story -- now, she "knew this going in?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, only you can truthfully know whether -- perhaps -- you encouraged you daughter to apply to the very best private school to satisfy your own ego; that is, to prove to yourself and the world that you have raised a daughter who is intelligent and talented enough to succeed on her own merits in this world. I am assuming that this was not your motivation.

The benefit to your daughter of the application process -- even if you decide not to send her to the private school -- is that, yes(!), she did demonstrate to herself, to her parents, and to the admissions committee that she is an intelligent and talented young woman who is capable of great success in her life.

I believe that parents have to make the decisions that are best for the entire family, with more weight given to the adults. If sending her to the private school will place too much of a financial burden on your family, then it is not for your daughter's "feelings" to trump that reality.

Trust me, we have moved our DS and DD around the world more than once, in order to further DH professional and personal ambitions, as well my own. Our children similarly sometimes felt upset to leave a school or friends, but they have always adapted and they are resilient. Your daughter is also.

OP here

Thank you for this. It is exactly what I was saying before. Children are more resilient then we think.

Of course I did not intentionally do this. Yes, we thought we could swing it during the admissions process. I am pretty sure we still can. However, I rather not take the risk. I don't want to put her in and realize a year a two down the road that we can not afford it and pull her out of private school later. THAT would hurt her more. A lot of parents end up doing that. I have two other children to think about as well. My DD knew this going in. I hid nothing from her.

So, what happens when, someday, your daughter figures out that you could have afforded it? Because she will. Not to mention, you're changing your story -- now, she "knew this going in?"

The OP never changed her story. OP has repeated this a few times in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who's noticing that the "OP" appears to have at least two very distinctive writing styles ..... I'm one of the PP's who got a lot of feedback about being too dramatic, etc.,: I still stand by what I wrote, but in reading the posts and thread tonight I really have to question whether all (or any) of this thread is real....or just an attempt to get some drama going on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what being able to afford it means to the OP. If sending DD means very uncomfortable finances, what happens to the other two kids? Wouldn't they want to do it too if DD went? You clearly cannot afford that. Do you think at all, OP? You just thought of the other two now?

[Anonymous]

I wrote that parents are supposed to protect their children from disappointment, and I stand by it. How can that be a misguided sentiment when life heaps on enough disappointment without parents setting up their children for disappointment. Protecting children is not giving them a trophy every time they breathe.

OP is a piece of work. Also, she also doesn't seem to realize that admissions folks read DCUM, and if her school's office does, they might recognize her should she approach them for FA.