DD is extremely disappointed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK well "dreams of a new life" was corny but it's not like the DD is upset that OP promised her new Uggs and then said no. This is school we're talking about! It's where kids spend most of their waking hours, so it's a big fackin' deal for them - and it CAN affect the rest of their lives - what they learn, who inspires them, the friends they make - the combination CAN alter the path her life takes, so yeah, "dreams of a new life" was a bit OTT but it wasn't entirely ridiculous.

LOL! you make is seem that getting public school education will be detrimental to her academic success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Exactly. OP's tone has been careless throughout the thread. Seems like they could do it, if they wanted. If they didn't want it, why did they mislead their daughter?

Because they want to be able to tell their friends that the kid is good enough, even though they don't want to do it.

Win-win for mom. She gets the check-off in the mommy status games and she doesn't have to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Oh man! Listen to you all. Sounds like you have some serious mommy-daughter issues you are taking out on OP.

Seek therapy, fast.

[Anonymous]

It's not the failure to send OP's DD to private school that's the problem. It's instead the implied promise to do so if DD works hard. I went through a similar situation many years ago. Parents promised me that if I did well in school, I could go to college wherever I wanted. After I kept my end of that deal and got in to MIT, my father told me he wouldn't pay for it. Our finances were similar to OP's, in that it was a stretch, but could be done with some degree of sacrifice. Thank god for my stepmother, who weighed in and got my father to change his mind. I thought this over at length, and it wasn't the fact of MIT that was really the problem: it was my father's willingness to break a promise that really stung. I had no other way to pay, and I was prepared to never speak to him again. As unwise as that may have been, that's genuinely how I felt at the time. He relented; I went. I adored pretty much every minute I spend there. And I had a great relationship with my dad until he passed away many years later. I might well have forgiven him if he had not changed his mind, but I'm not entirely sure of that, even now.

Amusingly, he'd also promised to pay for grad school. After I got good grades my first year in law school, he yanked the remainder of that promise and told me I could pay for my second and third years myself. I was furious for exactly 24 hours, until I realized that a) I'd be able to pay back the money in question within five years and b) he was a great dad who had given me all kinds of wonderful experiences and love growing up, not to mention my MIT tuition etc. for four years plus an extra semester. I had no reasonable right to expect more.

As a parent, I don't have to promise my children private school, a car, a pony, or anything else. But if I do, I need to abide it. Not as a matter of contract law or any other legalistic notion, but instead out of love and affection for my DDs. It seems to me as a parent that one of the best guideposts for my DDs is that I will do what I say I will do; that my words and my promises have meaning. OP, I don't know if you promised your DD private school or not. I very definitely know that when I asked my DD to apply to private school, I told her very clearly that doing so was only a way of exploring opportunities and that we would have to have a family discussion about where she would go when we knew what the options were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but this is just terrible! You owe your daughter the biggest apology. And you write that you "kind of wish" you didn't put her through this? You were the catalyst here, and you didn't run the numbers before you gave her false hope and made her work really hard? I'm sorry but this is one of the most stunning posts I've seen on DCUM ever.

Same here. I'm sure the girl is feeling disappointed but also betrayed by her parents. I'm trying to think what I would have done when I was applying to colleges (not exactly the same but close) and my parents encouraged me to strive to get into these great schools, and when I got into one I was told, sorry we actually can't afford it. Guess we didn't do our homework before hand to make sure we could. Oh well, state school it is. Betrayal, losing my trust in my parents, being pissed, so many emotions come to mind. I hope you have already said you're sorry (without the guilt trip of "I feel so bad, etc" added in).

It is not your parents' fault that you didn't get good enough grades to get adequate scholarships for the school of your dreams. That is your fault.

Uhhhh, top schools don't give scholarships..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,


I never promised my daughter a private school education. I made it very clear to her that it was just going to be another option. I also told her that public school was still on the table and once we get decisions in for the privates, we will take a look at all options and then decide. I asked her if she was willing to go through the process and she agreed to do so.

Many of you make it seem like I was not being upfront about it. I was! She got her hopes up despite my being up front about it.

Well, that's different then. You didn't say that in your OP. from what you said, it made it sound like you told your daughter to apply to private school and led her to believe that if she got in, there wouldn't be a reason why she wouldn't be able to attend. That's far, far different than saying, "We may not be able to swing private school, and we'll have to see what comes back as the financial aid, but if you're willing to apply with the knowledge you might not be able to attend, go for it." That would have saved a lot of this heartache.

[Anonymous]

OP, only you can truthfully know whether -- perhaps -- you encouraged you daughter to apply to the very best private school to satisfy your own ego; that is, to prove to yourself and the world that you have raised a daughter who is intelligent and talented enough to succeed on her own merits in this world. I am assuming that this was not your motivation.

The benefit to your daughter of the application process -- even if you decide not to send her to the private school -- is that, yes(!), she did demonstrate to herself, to her parents, and to the admissions committee that she is an intelligent and talented young woman who is capable of great success in her life.

I believe that parents have to make the decisions that are best for the entire family, with more weight given to the adults. If sending her to the private school will place too much of a financial burden on your family, then it is not for your daughter's "feelings" to trump that reality.

Trust me, we have moved our DS and DD around the world more than once, in order to further DH professional and personal ambitions, as well my own. Our children similarly sometimes felt upset to leave a school or friends, but they have always adapted and they are resilient. Your daughter is also.

[Anonymous]

Absent a promise, OP's decision to keep DD in a public versus a private school is just fine. DD's disappointment is entirely natural, but OP should consider promising DD a car or a pony, as the case may be.

[Anonymous]

I never promised my daughter a private school education. I made it very clear to her that it was just going to be another option. I also told her that public school was still on the table and once we get decisions in for the privates, we will take a look at all options and then decide. I asked her if she was willing to go through the process and she agreed to do so.

If you can't afford the school and don't bother to apply for financial aid, it's really not "another option." My 13-yr old DD just went through the application process, and she put a lot of time, effort, and emotional energy into it. The reward for that effort is that we will send her to her first-choice school if she gets in. I would never have encouraged her to apply to a school I knew we could not afford. What is the point of that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but this is just terrible! You owe your daughter the biggest apology. And you write that you "kind of wish" you didn't put her through this? You were the catalyst here, and you didn't run the numbers before you gave her false hope and made her work really hard? I'm sorry but this is one of the most stunning posts I've seen on DCUM ever.

Same here. I'm sure the girl is feeling disappointed but also betrayed by her parents. I'm trying to think what I would have done when I was applying to colleges (not exactly the same but close) and my parents encouraged me to strive to get into these great schools, and when I got into one I was told, sorry we actually can't afford it. Guess we didn't do our homework before hand to make sure we could. Oh well, state school it is. Betrayal, losing my trust in my parents, being pissed, so many emotions come to mind. I hope you have already said you're sorry (without the guilt trip of "I feel so bad, etc" added in).

It is not your parents' fault that you didn't get good enough grades to get adequate scholarships for the school of your dreams. That is your fault.

Uhhhh, top schools don't give scholarships..

+1

[Anonymous]

The one thing I am learning from this thread is that the girl applicants seemed to have put a lot of time and energy into the application process. My DS could not have cared less. I had to push him to do each little piece. Ugh!!

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all of this, but I think that sounds pretty cruel, OP. And you know, she's going to blame all future failures and shortcomings on you doing this!!

Can you offer her a sweetener for all the money you'll be saving? She should get some of it, no?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about not being as to afford private school, unexpectedly or not. It's about OP bring so irresponsible to have gotten into this situation because she couldn't be bothered to do simple. My parents weren't able to afford private for me, and I complety understood. But to pull this irresponsible shit with your kid is just ridiculous.

Give me a break. Now I know why people complain about Gen Xers

So you too would feel hardly any guilt at having made your DD interview, write essays, work hard on her SSAT, only to turn around when she's exulting and say:
"Oops, sorry, we don't have the money after all. Well, good for you anyway."

Says everything we need to know about your character, PP.

That is exactly what I am saying. So what, she is probably going to a W high school anyway. Give me a break. I would be fine with a little disappointment but if my kid threw a fit bacause he/she is not going to private school when I decide it is not financially the greatest choice I would be very embarrased and disappointed in my child... we would have a very long and hard talk.

My kids are told NO all the time.. not because we can't afford it but because they CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING THEY WANT. bfd

You are very pampered and entitled.

You keep willfully misunderstanding the OP's situation. Her daughter was led to believe she would enter her school of choice if she was accepted, then OP turned the tables on her because she had not checked her finances properly beforehand.

My children are refused many luxuries as well, but when I promise them something, I do my best to follow through, unlike OP. It's called trust.

You are willfully misunderstanding the difference between a want and a need. It's not like the mom promised to get away from an abusive husband and did not, she is sending her to a W school instead of private school.

A different poster, but I was deck items pampered in that my parents decided to do basic math and tell me we could t afford private school BEFORE I would have applied. This is not about luxuries, it's about have an even minimally responsible parent. How about, instead of having the conversation 0P now claims to have had with her daughter about all the options being on the table for consideration, she simply do some basic math? Was 0P on able to add and subtract in the fall? The only lesson I think her daughter should take from this is not to rely on her mother to do any of the basic legwork involved in parenting decisions. Even if her daughter doesn't realize this now she certainly will soon. And given the details provided by OPD, I am assuming that her daughter's classmates and their parents will also know about the situation. Not that the daughter should in any way be embarrassed, but I would have been if everyone knew my mom had been so you're responsible because she decided to broadcast it on this kind of forum. Anything else you'd like to do, open, to make this a bit less comfortable for your daughter? You know, so she doesn't become and entitled, spoiled brat. Really, more embarrassment will help prevent that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, only you can truthfully know whether -- perhaps -- you encouraged you daughter to apply to the very best private school to satisfy your own ego; that is, to prove to yourself and the world that you have raised a daughter who is intelligent and talented enough to succeed on her own merits in this world. I am assuming that this was not your motivation.

Why on earth would you assume that? Part of the reason I try very hard to raise my DDs right is to satisfy my own ego. It's part of the reason every parent puts in time and effort. We just don't like to admit it to ourselves. But it seems to me that perceiving reality for what it is yields better results than PC delusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, only you can truthfully know whether -- perhaps -- you encouraged you daughter to apply to the very best private school to satisfy your own ego; that is, to prove to yourself and the world that you have raised a daughter who is intelligent and talented enough to succeed on her own merits in this world. I am assuming that this was not your motivation.

Why on earth would you assume that? Part of the reason I try very hard to raise my DDs right is to satisfy my own ego. It's part of the reason every parent puts in time and effort. We just don't like to admit it to ourselves. But it seems to me that perceiving reality for what it is yields better results than PC delusions.

I now assume that this entire thread has been a put on. The joke's on me and all of the other posters who have expressed genuine empathy, sympathy and concern, and offered well-thought out advice. Candid camera, you can step out from behind the curtain!