I have an abusive husband....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you stick by him, you're teaching your daughters that his behaviour is acceptable behavior and they can potentially have relationships that mirror your relationship with your husband when it is their turn to look for a spouse. I watched my father beat my mom, my brother's and me. The first boyfriend I had also beat me. We were in a relationship for 5 years and he was my first love, then I realized this was not normal and got out.

You're saying OP is getting beat?

[Anonymous]

Looks like he's got a mental illness...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality is you may be better off staying. Abusers who seek custody in Family Court have 70% chance of getting it. In cases where kids have disclosed sexual abuse or physical abuse, even with evidence, abuser given custody, even sole custody, up to 90% of the time. Even if never all that interested before, likely to go for custody to avoid child support. In today's Family Court it is the mom without so much as a traffic ticket who may end up with PAID supervised visitation. Abusive exes are likely to try to continue control through kids, read about DV by Proxy. Asking ex to leave was biggest mistake I made, after not cancelling the wedding. We will not stop paying for the rage that was triggered until youngest is 18 I fear. First they get the mom to 50-50, then 2 weekends a month, then cut off. Do some reading on Barry Goldstein' s website or DV Leap or The Battered Mother's Custody Conference site. Also read Phyllis Chessler' s updated Mother's on Trial. Make a decision based on reality, not myths. You could well lose contact with your kids over time, abusers are given tremendous control to ruin the rest of your life. Family Court will not protect you or the kids. Your future could make your current life look like The Waltons. The ex of a friend who was abusive has remarried. He flipped her having primary custody to 2 weekends per month. She moved out of state. If she dates he has a PI stalk her and harrass the men. With federal funding for dads who go for custody there is no brake on how crazy they get. If you leave or ask him to do so, there is a real chance that in a few years you will end up with no or little contact with your kids, that is the reality, happens to tens of thousands of moms a year.

signed-sure wish I had known and hand' t drunk the koolaide out of ignorance

This is crazy talk.

My ex was convicted of DV. I had so much evidence against him regarding alienation, not wanting custody, etc that there is never the chance of the above happening.

I'm asking the OP detailed questions regarding her situation in hopes of giving her real advice. You must collect a lot of evidence and be prepared to fight in court.

Sorry, your case is not the norm in how cases are being decided at present in DC and elsewhere. Alienation is claimed against the mom, no one acts if dad does it, they use it in the Woody Allen sense not the ordinary meaning of word. Read the Chessler book OP and anyone else. There are enormous federal programs that father's can tap into to change custody, 21:00 if your ex did not get caught up in FR machine you were lucky. Did you know that there is a Father's Court in DC Superior Court? You cannot believe it until you have little to no contact with your kids. Happens to moms w/o have done nothing wrong, who are doctors, executives, etc. Could be OP. You were lucky it was not you.

OP, has your husband ever been evaluated for adult ADD and depression? Could explain a lot. There is a doc in DuPont who is supposed to be good, name has been mentioned in threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality is you may be better off staying. Abusers who seek custody in Family Court have 70% chance of getting it. In cases where kids have disclosed sexual abuse or physical abuse, even with evidence, abuser given custody, even sole custody, up to 90% of the time. Even if never all that interested before, likely to go for custody to avoid child support. In today's Family Court it is the mom without so much as a traffic ticket who may end up with PAID supervised visitation. Abusive exes are likely to try to continue control through kids, read about DV by Proxy. Asking ex to leave was biggest mistake I made, after not cancelling the wedding. We will not stop paying for the rage that was triggered until youngest is 18 I fear. First they get the mom to 50-50, then 2 weekends a month, then cut off. Do some reading on Barry Goldstein' s website or DV Leap or The Battered Mother's Custody Conference site. Also read Phyllis Chessler' s updated Mother's on Trial. Make a decision based on reality, not myths. You could well lose contact with your kids over time, abusers are given tremendous control to ruin the rest of your life. Family Court will not protect you or the kids. Your future could make your current life look like The Waltons. The ex of a friend who was abusive has remarried. He flipped her having primary custody to 2 weekends per month. She moved out of state. If she dates he has a PI stalk her and harrass the men. With federal funding for dads who go for custody there is no brake on how crazy they get. If you leave or ask him to do so, there is a real chance that in a few years you will end up with no or little contact with your kids, that is the reality, happens to tens of thousands of moms a year.

signed-sure wish I had known and hand' t drunk the koolaide out of ignorance

This is crazy talk.

My ex was convicted of DV. I had so much evidence against him regarding alienation, not wanting custody, etc that there is never the chance of the above happening.

I'm asking the OP detailed questions regarding her situation in hopes of giving her real advice. You must collect a lot of evidence and be prepared to fight in court.

Sorry, your case is not the norm in how cases are being decided at present in DC and elsewhere. Alienation is claimed against the mom, no one acts if dad does it, they use it in the Woody Allen sense not the ordinary meaning of word. Read the Chessler book OP and anyone else. There are enormous federal programs that father's can tap into to change custody, 21:00 if your ex did not get caught up in FR machine you were lucky. Did you know that there is a Father's Court in DC Superior Court? You cannot believe it until you have little to no contact with your kids. Happens to moms w/o have done nothing wrong, who are doctors, executives, etc. Could be OP. You were lucky it was not you.

OP, has your husband ever been evaluated for adult ADD and depression? Could explain a lot. There is a doc in DuPont who is supposed to be good, name has been mentioned in threads.

New poster. I'm sorry because you sound very disturbed, but this is crazy, lunatic talk. The default custody arrangement in DC is joint, and OP has not engaged in parental alienation. Further, the only book I've ever heard recommended about parental alienation is Divorce Poison, a very mainstream bestseller. If anyone is worried about it, read the book and make sure you're not engaging in any activity like that.

As for Father's Court, it's not set up to HURT mothers!!! Especially mothers like OP. See below.

The DC Family Court's Fathering Court Program was created in response to the District’s significant need to provide services to fathers who are unable to maintain healthy relationships with their children and or to provide adequate financial support for their well being. The Fathering Court program is designed to equip fathers with skills that enable them to contribute positively to the emotional and economic well-being of their children.
Beginning in November 2007 as a pilot program, the Fathering Court Program was launched to help incarcerated men, re-entering the community, reconnect with their children and to pay child support. The Fathering Court Program combines needs-assessment, employment skills development and community resources to provide non-custodial parents the ability to better meet the emotional and financial needs of their children.

[Anonymous]

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2011/08/05/read-excerpt-from-phyllis-cheslers-book-mothers-on-trial/

Your assumptions are wrong. OP, if your ex challenges you for custody you may have very little access to your children.

[Anonymous]

Do you trust assumptions people make or research done for DOJ on current state of Family Courts? http://nij.ncjrs.gov/multimedia/transcripts/nijconf2009-domestic-violence-custody.htm

[Anonymous]

http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/1.html

[Anonymous]

00:18 are you basing your views on having an abusive ex try to cut you out entirely recently in Family Court in DC? How you think things are and what really happens is quite different. Are you aware of FR groups and attorneys being able to tap into federal funds to switch custody that are not available to mothers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fits all of the above. I don't want to get into detail. We have two beautiful and smart daughters 6 and under. I often think of divorce, and I know nobody deserves this kind of life, but I can't imagine our daughters growing up in a broken family, can't imagine giving up on it, somewhat I still find enough in me to try, try, try. We've tried counseling and it helped while it lasted, though our work schedules make it impossible to schedule. The sessions were so sporadic. DH also stopped his individual therapy and dropped antidepressants, just because he wasn't disciplined. I married him, cause I was in love, in Catholic Church. I watched my parents 35 year marriage very tumultuous at times survive very rough patches. I somewhat believe I need to keep pulling through as well. Any words of wisdom and encouragement?

Re-read ypu post OP. You watched your parents rocky marriage growing up. As a rest you never learned what a good marriage is. You are repeating history. Your parents marriage was NOT emotionally healthy and damaged your perception of love and commitment to a mate.

Do you want your girls to grow up like you and marry an abusive man, just like mom because that is their normal?

Break the dysfunctional cycle. Your parents are a prime example of what not to do. Your parents marriage has given you no self worth.

She didn't say that. She said her parent's marriage was very tumultuous AT TIMES and that it survived rough patches. Know any marriage that has never had rough patches?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

This doesn't sound like abuse. Abusers never apologize and twist the truth to blame the victim.

Is there something in your past that might make you think that normal arguments are abusive? Have you been to counseling?

This is so fucking wrong that I thought it was a joke. Many abusers are VERY apologetic after an abusive episode, promise it will never happen again, they love you so much, they love you TOO much and that's why they get so upset (then they throw in some victim-blaming while they're at it - "when you ____________ it makes me so mad that I can't help myself, but it will never happen again, you just have to stop _____________, you're the most important thing to me in the world and I would never hurt you on purpose", aka: you made me do it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

This doesn't sound like abuse. Abusers never apologize and twist the truth to blame the victim.

Is there something in your past that might make you think that normal arguments are abusive? Have you been to counseling?

This is so fucking wrong that I thought it was a joke. Many abusers are VERY apologetic after an abusive episode, promise it will never happen again, they love you so much, they love you TOO much and that's why they get so upset (then they throw in some victim-blaming while they're at it - "when you ____________ it makes me so mad that I can't help myself, but it will never happen again, you just have to stop _____________, you're the most important thing to me in the world and I would never hurt you on purpose", aka: you made me do it).

You're right about physical abuse. But I'm not sure it plays that way with emotional abuse. I don't think emotionally abusive people realize they're abusive, and so wouldn't assume they have a reason to apologize. At least that has been my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

This doesn't sound like abuse. Abusers never apologize and twist the truth to blame the victim.

Is there something in your past that might make you think that normal arguments are abusive? Have you been to counseling?

This is so fucking wrong that I thought it was a joke. Many abusers are VERY apologetic after an abusive episode, promise it will never happen again, they love you so much, they love you TOO much and that's why they get so upset (then they throw in some victim-blaming while they're at it - "when you ____________ it makes me so mad that I can't help myself, but it will never happen again, you just have to stop _____________, you're the most important thing to me in the world and I would never hurt you on purpose", aka: you made me do it).

You're right about physical abuse. But I'm not sure it plays that way with emotional abuse. I don't think emotionally abusive people realize they're abusive, and so wouldn't assume they have a reason to apologize. At least that has been my experience.

This is true. You have to realize that most abusers have traits of personality disorders or they have full blown disorders. Some PDs apologize but some never will. Narcissists are unlikely to apologize unless it is a manipulation. Emotional abuse is complex psychological torture. It is not just verbal abuse. They play games, they withhold love, they use the silent treatment for long periods of time, they make promises and then immediately switch them up and pretend they never said that, they gaslight, they wake you up at night to do things for them, they don't know the meaning of respect. And they tend to justify all of their behavior and blame you. It is true that a custody case can be very difficult with a person who has a PD. Read the book Splitting for the best information on how to approach family court with an abuser. They are likely to lie and accuse you of things you never did. Collect evidence as soon as possible.

[Anonymous]

My ex was controlling and slyly emotionally abusive and NPD. He apologized when it suited him. He was very convincing. Everything was a game to him; he was always manipulating me and gaslighting me. He was so good at it that I didn't know until the very end. No one else suspected a thing.

So yes, abusers apologize. And they sound so good.

And Splitting became my life while he dragged out the divorce and accused me of things I would never do. Or he would take a kernel of truth - "she raised her voice after I didn't come home one night," and then he would accuse me of hitting him or something like that. It was awful and insane.

The only thing worse than my divorce would have been staying in that marriage.

I don't know if OP is out there anymore, but if this sounds familiar to anyone here, please be very careful and start to document everything and collect information. Once you leave him, all hell will break loose, and your charming H will turn into a monster. So start protecting yourself now. You'll need an airtight case in court. I'm sure many people are rolling their eyes reading this, but millions of women go through this each year when they try to divorce a NPD abusive man.

[Anonymous]

Once again, you have not right to put your kids through it! It's not about you anymore.I'd consider it child abuse, and your children do notice the abuse.
My father was abusive to my mom.I'm mad at my mom for not leaving him and mad at my dad for not taking into consideration our feelings.We'd cry and scream as dad was beating mom, and nobody saw how it affected us.We were literally shaking.I finally attacked my dad when I was old enough.I just pushed the drunk over.
Please don't put your kids through it whether the abuse is physical or mental.
I married an abusive man, but divorced him when he lifted me up by mo throat in front of our 10 month old.That was it for me.
We are divorced and my boy doesn't know about the abuse and won't.
Please don't tell me you can't divorce him somehow! I divorce my American husband before getting my green card.I was stand to lose my kid if he hadn't signed for the final papers.I had a lot to lose-my son, but him seeing me being abused was even worse.
No offense, but what's with thee catholic thing? do they really say that abuse is ok.You've clearly tried...End the child abuse now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once again, you have not right to put your kids through it! It's not about you anymore.I'd consider it child abuse, and your children do notice the abuse.
My father was abusive to my mom.I'm mad at my mom for not leaving him and mad at my dad for not taking into consideration our feelings.We'd cry and scream as dad was beating mom, and nobody saw how it affected us.We were literally shaking.I finally attacked my dad when I was old enough.I just pushed the drunk over.
Please don't put your kids through it whether the abuse is physical or mental.
I married an abusive man, but divorced him when he lifted me up by mo throat in front of our 10 month old.That was it for me.
We are divorced and my boy doesn't know about the abuse and won't.
Please don't tell me you can't divorce him somehow! I divorce my American husband before getting my green card.I was stand to lose my kid if he hadn't signed for the final papers.I had a lot to lose-my son, but him seeing me being abused was even worse.
No offense, but what's with thee catholic thing? do they really say that abuse is ok.You've clearly tried...End the child abuse now!

Good for you. You've obviously very brave, and your son will grow up and know it.