I have an abusive husband....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. To 21.02, yes, DH is abusive. He often does twist it and blames me. Normal argument does not include bullying, name calling, blackmailing, belittling, cursing, etc. I have hope that if only he got himself back to regular counseling and we did our couples therapy, things would change. We don't argue everyday, but when we do, he escalates it to the point of hurting me deeply, I start to resent him. It feels like we do work to take one step ahead, but take two steps back.

Your arguments are nasty and you need to set ground rules for fights, but abuse is much more than what you are describing.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I have asked a few children from divorced families what would they prefer happened had they have a choice and I only found that they wanted their parents to stay together. I know there must be tons who wanted them split. I guess also my Catholic faith keeps me trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional. Our family is not broken yet. My marriage might be. They still have mommy and daddy every day that love them very much. They have a sense of normalcy. I try to shield them as much as I can from what's going on between us.

You are deluding yourself that your kids don't know and aren't affected by your DH's emotional abuse. SERIOUSLY DELUDED. You obviously have reasons to want to stay with him, but don't fool yourself that somehow you are doing it for your kids. What are you modeling for them? Seriously, if they grew up and married someone exactly like your DH, what would you want them to do? Stay in it? Or leave? Think about that: if everything was the same, they married the exact same man, what would you want them to do?

Model it. Model what you'd hope your girls would do. Because they are learning from you, learning from what you put up with. They hear and see far far more than you think they do, and it affects them far more than you think it does.

If your DH is truly emotionally abusive, you are doing more harm than good to your kids by staying with him.

I'm the same PP, reading a few more posts, what I said above only applies if OP's DH is truly abusive. If it's just OP being cranky or it's a bad match but not abusive, I don't necessarily agree then that it's better for her to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I have asked a few children from divorced families what would they prefer happened had they have a choice and I only found that they wanted their parents to stay together. I know there must be tons who wanted them split. I guess also my Catholic faith keeps me trying.

OH FFS. Are these children from families that are the same set up as yours? If I had some of my friends email you who have said the opposite, would that change your mind? For god's sake, stand up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the DV survivor.

Emotional abuse I and other survivors have described include;

Limiting access to financial resources
Forcing us to pay expenses as a lower earner
Forbidding the consumption of certain foods
Requiring us to dress or look a certain way
Harassment about the cleanliness of the home (but does not clean)
When caught in a lie, blame the other person
Losing a job or major life change without notifying
Controlling who you are allowed to associate with
Talking to those people badly behind your back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

This doesn't sound like abuse. Abusers never apologize and twist the truth to blame the victim.

Is there something in your past that might make you think that normal arguments are abusive? Have you been to counseling?

Have to agree, this doesn't sound like 'abuse.' It sounds like you BOTH have some resentments, and possibly the marriage is over but the kids keep you together.

Resentment will only get worse on both ends if you don't figure out if you can fix it or end it. And to be clear, fixing it can't just be you trying or your husband trying.

Buck up, OP. I agree with this. It sounds like you BOTH have a lot of work to do but this is not "abuse," as you describe it. Your feelings may be hurt from time to time, but whose aren't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the DV survivor.

Emotional abuse I and other survivors have described include;

Limiting access to financial resources
Forcing us to pay expenses as a lower earner
Forbidding the consumption of certain foods
Requiring us to dress or look a certain way
Harassment about the cleanliness of the home (but does not clean)
When caught in a lie, blame the other person
Losing a job or major life change without notifying
Controlling who you are allowed to associate with
Talking to those people badly behind your back

I don't think I've ever seen it written out like that. Gosh that's horrible. I'm glad you have been able to get yourself out of that situation PP.

[Anonymous]

OP. To 21.24, no, I am not just cranky. I have just read again a few of the definitions of "emotional abuse" from major resources and yes, the descriptions fit. Some (3) of what 21:28 mentions also happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. To 21.24, no, I am not just cranky. I have just read again a few of the definitions of "emotional abuse" from major resources and yes, the descriptions fit. Some (3) of what 21:28 mentions also happen.

Geez your story keeps changing every time people say something. Let's recap...your miserable but have polled people who all say they wish their parents have stayed together. You think you are sheltering your kids from the "abuse" (but you're really not), you've tried to get him into therapy but he won't do it....so what exactly are you posting for? Obviously you are content to be in a miserable and abusive marriage for the rest of your life, so I don't know what you're looking for on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the DV survivor.

Emotional abuse I and other survivors have described include;

Limiting access to financial resources
Forcing us to pay expenses as a lower earner
Forbidding the consumption of certain foods
Requiring us to dress or look a certain way
Harassment about the cleanliness of the home (but does not clean)
When caught in a lie, blame the other person
Losing a job or major life change without notifying
Controlling who you are allowed to associate with
Talking to those people badly behind your back

I don't think I've ever seen it written out like that. Gosh that's horrible. I'm glad you have been able to get yourself out of that situation PP.

I have gotten out, thank you PP. It took physical violence to wake me up and counseling to realize this list. Meeting other survivors made me realize our lists were almost exactly the same.

[Anonymous]

OP. To 21.36. I mentioned what I was asking for. I guess you skimmed through and didn't have patience to read, which is ok. Posting on an anonymous forum gives me a chance to see and compare what others think, gain distance or reassurance in what I think. It also gives me a chance to vent.

I know most of you posting here do not have perfect marriages, there are some that have infidelity, some that have financial issues, some that have sickness, infertility, etc. there are ones that would leave a spouse for any of those reasons, and some of them choose to go through and fight. For right now I do realize that my DH is abusive but I choose to fight. Yes, I do realize that I may not be sparing my children and shielding them from everything, but it's hard to believe it's even possible to shield your children from everything anyway.

It easy to jump and say leave, divorce, but what about the aftermath? What about the feelings you still have? Custody battle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. To 21.36. I mentioned what I was asking for. I guess you skimmed through and didn't have patience to read, which is ok. Posting on an anonymous forum gives me a chance to see and compare what others think, gain distance or reassurance in what I think. It also gives me a chance to vent.

I know most of you posting here do not have perfect marriages, there are some that have infidelity, some that have financial issues, some that have sickness, infertility, etc. there are ones that would leave a spouse for any of those reasons, and some of them choose to go through and fight. For right now I do realize that my DH is abusive but I choose to fight. Yes, I do realize that I may not be sparing my children and shielding them from everything, but it's hard to believe it's even possible to shield your children from everything anyway.

It easy to jump and say leave, divorce, but what about the aftermath? What about the feelings you still have? Custody battle?

You just don't get it, which makes me sad. Yes, you can not shield your children from everything but do you not understand the damage you are causing young girls to see that their mother puts up with abuse? Do you not think that it teaches them it is ok as long as he apologizes and remembers your birthday? Are you perfectly happy if your daughter ends up in a marriage like yours because thats what you taught her is a normal marriage? If you aren't already in therapy, you so need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Physical or emotional abuse?

Does it matter?

[Anonymous]

OP. To 21.56. No, I wouldn't be happy. I hope there are other things I can teach my daughters. I am a human being and obviously very imperfect. If I cannot model a perfect marriage for them, maybe at least I can show them I didn't just throw a towel in this challenging situation. I get that I am exposing them to something potentially damaging, I also HOPE they will learn to make better choices than I did, hopefully from other role models in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. To 21.56. No, I wouldn't be happy. I hope there are other things I can teach my daughters. I am a human being and obviously very imperfect. If I cannot model a perfect marriage for them, maybe at least I can show them I didn't just throw a towel in this challenging situation. I get that I am exposing them to something potentially damaging, I also HOPE they will learn to make better choices than I did, hopefully from other role models in their lives.

But they aren't going to see that you didn't just throw in the towel unless you buck up and take control of the situation. Insist on therapy, do ultimatums, when he says something mean, disengage from him until he's over it, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Simply saying "well I hope they see I didn't throw in the towel and hopefully they will have other role models in their lives" is an absolute terrible way to look at it. Are you in therapy OP?