I have an abusive husband....

[Anonymous]

This journalist is local and the problems are same everywhere, my ex had 6 AFCC experts. Leaving or kicking him out can leave you with no kids and destitute. Your "airtight case" won't matter if it gets steered to the FR crowd judges and "experts", facts are irrelevant, this is an enormous industry.

They make the money off of switching custody to father's. Moms are cut to 50% time, then later to 2 weekends a month or less, more often than you would want to believe when divorcing someone abusive and controlling. These are professional moms, sahms, women who in many cases have been the primary caretaker and who don't have as much as a parking ticket, room moms, you name it. There is no big money in helping moms and your lawyer will not rock the boat.
Federal funds subsidize a switch of custody, see responsible fatherhood programs. Moms are at risk of bankruptcy and little to no contact with their children if someone who is abusive and controlling fights for the kids, there is an excellent chance he will get custody.

If he has physically or sexually abused the kids the figure goes up to a 90% likelihood he will get custody. Best way to silence them and there is an enormous industry that shields the abuser and makes big $.

sttp://www.commdiginews.com/life/connecticut-task-force-hears-accounts-of-victimization-by-family-court-11123/#LVIh0PCrmVv5y2YU.01

[Anonymous]

More moms end up with more time with kids since often men don't contest. In my case, ex saw kids about once a week. His lawyer whipped him up about not wanting to pay support and to go for 50-50. That he could control me with custody evaluators and parent coordinators, who are unrecoverable, and best of all it could be subsidized by federal tax funds so he could destroy me on someone else's dime.

OP if your DH apologizes, I'd see if something like depression or ADHD might be at play, both can make people moody or lacking in a good filter.

The UN even just made a statement about how horribly awry these cases can go. Be realistic about what can happen. These down the rabbit hole cases are estimated to be about 4% but if it happens to you it is stunning how you can have done absolutely nothing wrong but you will lose it all quite possibly. A friend who has only one weekend a month had abuse of one child by his dad reported by the school. She originally was a SAHM, Cub Scout Den mom, you name it. The system often works exactly the opposite of what many are assuming. My friend got a detailed custody order. She carefully documented violations of basically every point by her ex for almost 2 years. Went back to same judge who instead of being concerned about safety and well being of kids cut her down to one weekend. Her husband has the kids in daycare 12 hours a day 6 days a week. Everything that is valued for kids in the normal world is turned on its head in these cases. My friend's lawyer said he was sorry and that there is little oversight or accountability in FC, this was in DC metro area. Just educate yourself so you are not taken by surprise.

If your spouse is controlling and vengeful, and especially if he has a lot of anger, he can destroy your life and your kids lives to a degree you cannot even fathom until your youngest is 18. FC may give him even more power and control, very little likelihood that you or kids will be protected. If spouse has issues with drinking or drug use, and has a professional license that may be impacted, document carefully, that may give you leverage.

[Anonymous]

Darn auto correct - unrecoverable should be not reviewable. You can be ordered to go to a Parent coordinator of court's choosing, who is not in your insurance, a random therapist who can control the tiny details of your life. AFCC members will punish you or kids for raising any issues of abuse, it will be repackaged as "conflict" that you have equal responsibility for, rather than DV. If you say you can't afford $300 per week, or half, ex can offset against child support. You cannot even imagine, but FC judges have little oversight. There are tens of thousands of moms just like me, maybe we were on a school committee with you, or taught Sunday school. Then we more or less were disappeared from our former lives. The court will not care if your 2 year old is in daycare 13 hours per day. If your ex decides to destroy you he will be egged on by greedy professionals and given the means to destroy your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I have asked a few children from divorced families what would they prefer happened had they have a choice and I only found that they wanted their parents to stay together. I know there must be tons who wanted them split. I guess also my Catholic faith keeps me trying.

I'm trying to read between the lines here. What I hear is a marriage to a man who makes you very unhappy, OP. Abuse is like the frog in the pot of water, it heats up gradually, but that "heat" seems normal. You may not see what is happening, but the abuse is breaking down your feelings of security and self-worth. You may look fine, well put together and successful on the outside, but inside you may be barely holding it together. That's why an argument can devastate you. Abusers count on this.

If you DH will not go to couples therapy, you need to go on your own, to help you understand why you stay with this man. Is it your faith? It sounds to me as though you feel it's time to end the marriage, but your upbringing has told you NEVER to do this. Are you worried how your family will react? What your colleagues and neighbors will think?

If you are seriously considering leaving, you need to find an attorney, get your finances in order, and document, document, document everything your DH does and says, even if it means keeping a journal that you keep locked in your desk at work. Get a private PO box and a storage facility if it comes to that. Get a good lawyer and prepare! If your DH is going to fight you, you must stay one step ahead of him at all times and get good advice.

Hope you find the strength to do what needs to be done. If you can work things out with your DH, then fine, but if you are finding it hard to endure his behavior on a daily basis, it may be time to make some choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fits all of the above. I don't want to get into detail. We have two beautiful and smart daughters 6 and under. I often think of divorce, and I know nobody deserves this kind of life, but I can't imagine our daughters growing up in a broken family, can't imagine giving up on it, somewhat I still find enough in me to try, try, try. We've tried counseling and it helped while it lasted, though our work schedules make it impossible to schedule. The sessions were so sporadic. DH also stopped his individual therapy and dropped antidepressants, just because he wasn't disciplined. I married him, cause I was in love, in Catholic Church. I watched my parents 35 year marriage very tumultuous at times survive very rough patches. I somewhat believe I need to keep pulling through as well. Any words of wisdom and encouragement?

Re-read ypu post OP. You watched your parents rocky marriage growing up. As a rest you never learned what a good marriage is. You are repeating history. Your parents marriage was NOT emotionally healthy and damaged your perception of love and commitment to a mate.
Do you want your girls to grow up like you and marry an abusive man, just like mom because that is their normal?

Break the dysfunctional cycle. Your parents are a prime example of what not to do. Your parents marriage has given you no self worth.

She didn't say that. She said her parent's marriage was very tumultuous AT TIMES and that it survived rough patches. Know any marriage that has never had rough patches?

There are plenty of marriages where it is never so rocky that it gets detected by the kids.

My marriage. I can tell you for a FACT that after 15years we have never gone through tough times. We have never cursed at each other or wielded threats. As a matter of fact we never go to bed mad.

OP picked up her low self worth somewhere and it probably was from her mother. This is typical of people raised in oppressive religious homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fits all of the above. I don't want to get into detail. We have two beautiful and smart daughters 6 and under. I often think of divorce, and I know nobody deserves this kind of life, but I can't imagine our daughters growing up in a broken family, can't imagine giving up on it, somewhat I still find enough in me to try, try, try. We've tried counseling and it helped while it lasted, though our work schedules make it impossible to schedule. The sessions were so sporadic. DH also stopped his individual therapy and dropped antidepressants, just because he wasn't disciplined. I married him, cause I was in love, in Catholic Church. I watched my parents 35 year marriage very tumultuous at times survive very rough patches. I somewhat believe I need to keep pulling through as well. Any words of wisdom and encouragement?

Re-read ypu post OP. You watched your parents rocky marriage growing up. As a rest you never learned what a good marriage is. You are repeating history. Your parents marriage was NOT emotionally healthy and damaged your perception of love and commitment to a mate.
Do you want your girls to grow up like you and marry an abusive man, just like mom because that is their normal?

Break the dysfunctional cycle. Your parents are a prime example of what not to do. Your parents marriage has given you no self worth.

She didn't say that. She said her parent's marriage was very tumultuous AT TIMES and that it survived rough patches. Know any marriage that has never had rough patches?

There are plenty of marriages where it is never so rocky that it gets detected by the kids.

My marriage. I can tell you for a FACT that after 15years we have never gone through tough times. We have never cursed at each other or wielded threats. As a matter of fact we never go to bed mad.

OP picked up her low self worth somewhere and it probably was from her mother. This is typical of people raised in oppressive religious homes.

She just mentioned she was married in the church - which does take marriage seriously. She said nothing about oppressively religious homes. That's YOU editorializing.

I think we're all a little skeptical of your perfect marriage. NEVER gone to bed mad in 15 years. NEVER gone through any tough times at all?

All I can say is that hardship hits all of us, sooner or later. YOu cannot get through life without any struggle. Be careful, because Karma is coming. And I am not saying that in a mean way. It's just reality.

[Anonymous]

I know why women like OP cry "bad marriage" "bad DH" "oh he is so abusive" blah blah blah but don't do anything about it and just stick around and complain on DCUM:

$$$ THE MONEY MONEY MONEY $$$

Talking bout the moolah y'all!

"Mastercard, Visa, American Express. . .

I ain't got nothing against no credit cards, but cash is the best!

Got to get, got to get, got to get the money!"

- Chuck Brown

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fits all of the above. I don't want to get into detail. We have two beautiful and smart daughters 6 and under. I often think of divorce, and I know nobody deserves this kind of life, but I can't imagine our daughters growing up in a broken family, can't imagine giving up on it, somewhat I still find enough in me to try, try, try. We've tried counseling and it helped while it lasted, though our work schedules make it impossible to schedule. The sessions were so sporadic. DH also stopped his individual therapy and dropped antidepressants, just because he wasn't disciplined. I married him, cause I was in love, in Catholic Church. I watched my parents 35 year marriage very tumultuous at times survive very rough patches. I somewhat believe I need to keep pulling through as well. Any words of wisdom and encouragement?

Re-read ypu post OP. You watched your parents rocky marriage growing up. As a rest you never learned what a good marriage is. You are repeating history. Your parents marriage was NOT emotionally healthy and damaged your perception of love and commitment to a mate.
Do you want your girls to grow up like you and marry an abusive man, just like mom because that is their normal?

Break the dysfunctional cycle. Your parents are a prime example of what not to do. Your parents marriage has given you no self worth.

How often do you have sex?
She didn't say that. She said her parent's marriage was very tumultuous AT TIMES and that it survived rough patches. Know any marriage that has never had rough patches?

There are plenty of marriages where it is never so rocky that it gets detected by the kids.

My marriage. I can tell you for a FACT that after 15years we have never gone through tough times. We have never cursed at each other or wielded threats. As a matter of fact we never go to bed mad.

OP picked up her low self worth somewhere and it probably was from her mother. This is typical of people raised in oppressive religious homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fits all of the above. I don't want to get into detail. We have two beautiful and smart daughters 6 and under. I often think of divorce, and I know nobody deserves this kind of life, but I can't imagine our daughters growing up in a broken family, can't imagine giving up on it, somewhat I still find enough in me to try, try, try. We've tried counseling and it helped while it lasted, though our work schedules make it impossible to schedule. The sessions were so sporadic. DH also stopped his individual therapy and dropped antidepressants, just because he wasn't disciplined. I married him, cause I was in love, in Catholic Church. I watched my parents 35 year marriage very tumultuous at times survive very rough patches. I somewhat believe I need to keep pulling through as well. Any words of wisdom and encouragement?

Re-read ypu post OP. You watched your parents rocky marriage growing up. As a rest you never learned what a good marriage is. You are repeating history. Your parents marriage was NOT emotionally healthy and damaged your perception of love and commitment to a mate.
Do you want your girls to grow up like you and marry an abusive man, just like mom because that is their normal?

Break the dysfunctional cycle. Your parents are a prime example of what not to do. Your parents marriage has given you no self worth.

She didn't say that. She said her parent's marriage was very tumultuous AT TIMES and that it survived rough patches. Know any marriage that has never had rough patches?

There are plenty of marriages where it is never so rocky that it gets detected by the kids.

My marriage. I can tell you for a FACT that after 15years we have never gone through tough times. We have never cursed at each other or wielded threats. As a matter of fact we never go to bed mad.

OP picked up her low self worth somewhere and it probably was from her mother. This is typical of people raised in oppressive religious homes.

How often do you have sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fits all of the above. I don't want to get into detail. We have two beautiful and smart daughters 6 and under. I often think of divorce, and I know nobody deserves this kind of life, but I can't imagine our daughters growing up in a broken family, can't imagine giving up on it, somewhat I still find enough in me to try, try, try. We've tried counseling and it helped while it lasted, though our work schedules make it impossible to schedule. The sessions were so sporadic. DH also stopped his individual therapy and dropped antidepressants, just because he wasn't disciplined. I married him, cause I was in love, in Catholic Church. I watched my parents 35 year marriage very tumultuous at times survive very rough patches. I somewhat believe I need to keep pulling through as well. Any words of wisdom and encouragement?

Re-read ypu post OP. You watched your parents rocky marriage growing up. As a rest you never learned what a good marriage is. You are repeating history. Your parents marriage was NOT emotionally healthy and damaged your perception of love and commitment to a mate.
Do you want your girls to grow up like you and marry an abusive man, just like mom because that is their normal?

Break the dysfunctional cycle. Your parents are a prime example of what not to do. Your parents marriage has given you no self worth.

She didn't say that. She said her parent's marriage was very tumultuous AT TIMES and that it survived rough patches. Know any marriage that has never had rough patches?

There are plenty of marriages where it is never so rocky that it gets detected by the kids.

My marriage. I can tell you for a FACT that after 15years we have never gone through tough times. We have never cursed at each other or wielded threats. As a matter of fact we never go to bed mad.

OP picked up her low self worth somewhere and it probably was from her mother. This is typical of people raised in oppressive religious homes.

How often do you have sex?

Probably 4xs a week.

If we go away on vacation alone together , as we did last week, daily.

[Anonymous]

OP. DH was diagnosed with depression a while ago and was prescribed medication. He has a VERY stressful job. For some reason he stopped taking the medication. Then he restarted, but on a much lower dose, which was not consulted with his MD. I can't mother him and ask him every day if he took the meds or not. It doesn't work. When he was going to his regular therapy once a week in addition to couples therapy once a week, things were better. Our work schedules, kids and after school activities make it almost impossible to schedule a couples therapy session.

DH is not beating me up. I did not grow up in religiously oppressive home, rather a home where faith and religious traditions were important. I am not dumb, and I know my parents marriage was not perfect, but to say that I grew up not knowing what a good marriage is is a far stretch. Like one PP mentioned it was rocky at times, and now, after 35 years is better than ever.

If I were to divorce as a final option, I am not afraid of what family, friends will say. For right NOW I can't see it be THE BEST option for anybody.


I am glad there are perfect marriages out there. I have not yet come across one. We are imperfect human beings by default, therefore it would be hard to create something where there would not be a glitch for 15, 20 or 30 years. Some here accused me of being delusional, but seeing somebody say they had "never in 15 years gone through tough times" is hard to believe.

As of right now, we are both trying to fix our marriage. I am trying to help him de-stress, take some responsibilities off his shoulders yet make it clear I will not stand for disrespect and unnecessary nasty and vindictive behavior. I really hope he can get himself back on track, so our family can stay together.

THANKS to all for your input.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. I can't remember if you're in therapy, but I hope you are - just to get lots of support for yourself. Also, therapy keeps you honest with yourself.

I think that your future is going to be difficult. These things tend to get worse as people get older. So please take good care of yourself and your children.

[Anonymous]

OP, do try to base your choices on what might happen. Most of the PPs have no knowledge of what can happen trying to get away from someone controlling. From the Safe Kid's International website.

CLA Quote of the Day: Life As You Knew It Vanishing

"You [Protective Mom] recognize that life, as you once knew it, is vanishing...your children, your home, your savings, your career and, for many domestic abuse survivors, your health."
Dr. Jeanne King, Author and Activist

More from Dr. King:
You want to believe your attorney is working for your "best interest," but this belief can't be supported by the proceedings, especially when his/her fees are funded by the marital estate which your controlling spouse controls.

The financial social politics are crystal clear, but you cling to the ideal of "social justice" and human decency, until you hear your counsel and the court throw a deaf ear to your child’s self-mutilating in the face of being forced to live with someone who abuses him (sometimes before and WITHOUT a custody trial).

And you may even find yourself desperately struggling to have contact with your children after they are denied access to you...for days, weeks, months and for some protective parents for years.

Far too often, domestic abuse survivors go from the "frying pan" to the "fire" on their way out of an abusive relationship. And they wonder how this can happen.

Excerpts from the Desk of Dr. Jeanne King: