I have an abusive husband....

[Anonymous]

I agree you need individual therapy to help you work through this and really figure out what is in your kids' best interest. And yours. Please take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

^^PP here. If you're in VA check out the womens center in Vienna for resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional. Our family is not broken yet. My marriage might be. They still have mommy and daddy every day that love them very much. They have a sense of normalcy. I try to shield them as much as I can from what's going on between us.

I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds, but you're teaching them that normalcy is allowing a husband to be mean to you and putting up with a marriage that makes you unhappy. Kids pick up on a lot and you're not shielding them as much as you think.

This PP has nailed it. My mom left when I was 8 and my brother was 10. We lived with our grandma, in her one-room unfinished basement in Edmonton for a couple of years before making it back to the States to live in a tiny condo.

We were very poor. My mom worked nights. She did not divorce at first and my dad claimed head of household, which finally forced her hand in divorcing him. She did not date until I was 18. She got married again when she was 60 and had 20+ happy years with him until his death in 2011.

OP, by my mom leaving my dad, my mom taught me not to put up with substandard relationships, and to be self-reliant. Their unhealthy relationship did not imprint on me thanks to her leaving him. So I had healthy relationships, except for one, but I had the sense to get out of that one. My DH and I have been married 15 years and it is a very healthy, happy marriage.

OP, think of it this way: You made a mistake in picking your DH. Therefore you owe it to your daughters to model a healthy response to an unhealthy situation. This may sound harsh, but I'm putting it this way to impress upon you that you have a duty to get out. Otherwise your daughters will imprint on your modeling of what what kind of man to pick for a husband, and what kind of behavior to put up with.

Then you'll be watching your DDs being emotionally abused by their DHs, and your grandchildren will be affected the way your children are being affected now (and they are being affected now, OP)

OP you started this post because you know what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional. Our family is not broken yet. My marriage might be. They still have mommy and daddy every day that love them very much. They have a sense of normalcy. I try to shield them as much as I can from what's going on between us.

I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds, but you're teaching them that normalcy is allowing a husband to be mean to you and putting up with a marriage that makes you unhappy. Kids pick up on a lot and you're not shielding them as much as you think.

This PP has nailed it. My mom left when I was 8 and my brother was 10. We lived with our grandma, in her one-room unfinished basement in Edmonton for a couple of years before making it back to the States to live in a tiny condo.

We were very poor. My mom worked nights. She did not divorce at first and my dad claimed head of household, which finally forced her hand in divorcing him. She did not date until I was 18. She got married again when she was 60 and had 20+ happy years with him until his death in 2011.

OP, by my mom leaving my dad, my mom taught me not to put up with substandard relationships, and to be self-reliant. Their unhealthy relationship did not imprint on me thanks to her leaving him. So I had healthy relationships, except for one, but I had the sense to get out of that one. My DH and I have been married 15 years and it is a very healthy, happy marriage.

OP, think of it this way: You made a mistake in picking your DH. Therefore you owe it to your daughters to model a healthy response to an unhealthy situation. This may sound harsh, but I'm putting it this way to impress upon you that you have a duty to get out. Otherwise your daughters will imprint on your modeling of what what kind of man to pick for a husband, and what kind of behavior to put up with.

Then you'll be watching your DDs being emotionally abused by their DHs, and your grandchildren will be affected the way your children are being affected now (and they are being affected now, OP)

OP you started this post because you know what you have to do.

Your mother wasn't self-reliant. Your grandmother helped. Nothing wrong with that as long as you can be honest.

[Anonymous]

Reality is you may be better off staying. Abusers who seek custody in Family Court have 70% chance of getting it. In cases where kids have disclosed sexual abuse or physical abuse, even with evidence, abuser given custody, even sole custody, up to 90% of the time. Even if never all that interested before, likely to go for custody to avoid child support. In today's Family Court it is the mom without so much as a traffic ticket who may end up with PAID supervised visitation. Abusive exes are likely to try to continue control through kids, read about DV by Proxy. Asking ex to leave was biggest mistake I made, after not cancelling the wedding. We will not stop paying for the rage that was triggered until youngest is 18 I fear. First they get the mom to 50-50, then 2 weekends a month, then cut off. Do some reading on Barry Goldstein' s website or DV Leap or The Battered Mother's Custody Conference site. Also read Phyllis Chessler' s updated Mother's on Trial. Make a decision based on reality, not myths. You could well lose contact with your kids over time, abusers are given tremendous control to ruin the rest of your life. Family Court will not protect you or the kids. Your future could make your current life look like The Waltons. The ex of a friend who was abusive has remarried. He flipped her having primary custody to 2 weekends per month. She moved out of state. If she dates he has a PI stalk her and harrass the men. With federal funding for dads who go for custody there is no brake on how crazy they get. If you leave or ask him to do so, there is a real chance that in a few years you will end up with no or little contact with your kids, that is the reality, happens to tens of thousands of moms a year.

signed-sure wish I had known and hand' t drunk the koolaide out of ignorance

[Anonymous]

People whose parents divorced in 70s and early 80s have no idea what Family Courts are like today. OP, the reality is that your H is just the kind of person to go for custody to destroy you by destroying your kids. That is the ultimate DV. You don't have a choice of ideal anymore, the realities of family courts are the opposite of the assumptions people have. He may well cut you mostly out of kid's lives, it is a real risk. Agree that Mothers on Trial is eye opening.

[Anonymous]

Educate yourself about the real risks OP. http://www.phyllis-chesler.com/1219/can-good-enough-mothers-lose-custody-of-their

[Anonymous]

OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reality is you may be better off staying. Abusers who seek custody in Family Court have 70% chance of getting it. In cases where kids have disclosed sexual abuse or physical abuse, even with evidence, abuser given custody, even sole custody, up to 90% of the time. Even if never all that interested before, likely to go for custody to avoid child support. In today's Family Court it is the mom without so much as a traffic ticket who may end up with PAID supervised visitation. Abusive exes are likely to try to continue control through kids, read about DV by Proxy. Asking ex to leave was biggest mistake I made, after not cancelling the wedding. We will not stop paying for the rage that was triggered until youngest is 18 I fear. First they get the mom to 50-50, then 2 weekends a month, then cut off. Do some reading on Barry Goldstein' s website or DV Leap or The Battered Mother's Custody Conference site. Also read Phyllis Chessler' s updated Mother's on Trial. Make a decision based on reality, not myths. You could well lose contact with your kids over time, abusers are given tremendous control to ruin the rest of your life. Family Court will not protect you or the kids. Your future could make your current life look like The Waltons. The ex of a friend who was abusive has remarried. He flipped her having primary custody to 2 weekends per month. She moved out of state. If she dates he has a PI stalk her and harrass the men. With federal funding for dads who go for custody there is no brake on how crazy they get. If you leave or ask him to do so, there is a real chance that in a few years you will end up with no or little contact with your kids, that is the reality, happens to tens of thousands of moms a year.

signed-sure wish I had known and hand' t drunk the koolaide out of ignorance

This is crazy talk.

My ex was convicted of DV. I had so much evidence against him regarding alienation, not wanting custody, etc that there is never the chance of the above happening.

I'm asking the OP detailed questions regarding her situation in hopes of giving her real advice. You must collect a lot of evidence and be prepared to fight in court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

This doesn't sound like abuse. Abusers never apologize and twist the truth to blame the victim.

Is there something in your past that might make you think that normal arguments are abusive? Have you been to counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

This doesn't sound like abuse. Abusers never apologize and twist the truth to blame the victim.

Is there something in your past that might make you think that normal arguments are abusive? Have you been to counseling?

Have to agree, this doesn't sound like 'abuse.' It sounds like you BOTH have some resentments, and possibly the marriage is over but the kids keep you together.

Resentment will only get worse on both ends if you don't figure out if you can fix it or end it. And to be clear, fixing it can't just be you trying or your husband trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotional. Our family is not broken yet. My marriage might be. They still have mommy and daddy every day that love them very much. They have a sense of normalcy. I try to shield them as much as I can from what's going on between us.

You are deluding yourself that your kids don't know and aren't affected by your DH's emotional abuse. SERIOUSLY DELUDED. You obviously have reasons to want to stay with him, but don't fool yourself that somehow you are doing it for your kids. What are you modeling for them? Seriously, if they grew up and married someone exactly like your DH, what would you want them to do? Stay in it? Or leave? Think about that: if everything was the same, they married the exact same man, what would you want them to do?

Model it. Model what you'd hope your girls would do. Because they are learning from you, learning from what you put up with. They hear and see far far more than you think they do, and it affects them far more than you think it does.

If your DH is truly emotionally abusive, you are doing more harm than good to your kids by staying with him.

[Anonymous]

I'll chime in and agree that this doesn't sound like abuse. Sounds like you both need to work on yourselves and the marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP. To 21.02, yes, DH is abusive. He often does twist it and blames me. Normal argument does not include bullying, name calling, blackmailing, belittling, cursing, etc. I have hope that if only he got himself back to regular counseling and we did our couples therapy, things would change. We don't argue everyday, but when we do, he escalates it to the point of hurting me deeply, I start to resent him. It feels like we do work to take one step ahead, but take two steps back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional. Our family is not broken yet. My marriage might be. They still have mommy and daddy every day that love them very much. They have a sense of normalcy. I try to shield them as much as I can from what's going on between us.

I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds, but you're teaching them that normalcy is allowing a husband to be mean to you and putting up with a marriage that makes you unhappy. Kids pick up on a lot and you're not shielding them as much as you think.

This PP has nailed it. My mom left when I was 8 and my brother was 10. We lived with our grandma, in her one-room unfinished basement in Edmonton for a couple of years before making it back to the States to live in a tiny condo.

We were very poor. My mom worked nights. She did not divorce at first and my dad claimed head of household, which finally forced her hand in divorcing him. She did not date until I was 18. She got married again when she was 60 and had 20+ happy years with him until his death in 2011.

OP, by my mom leaving my dad, my mom taught me not to put up with substandard relationships, and to be self-reliant. Their unhealthy relationship did not imprint on me thanks to her leaving him. So I had healthy relationships, except for one, but I had the sense to get out of that one. My DH and I have been married 15 years and it is a very healthy, happy marriage.

OP, think of it this way: You made a mistake in picking your DH. Therefore you owe it to your daughters to model a healthy response to an unhealthy situation. This may sound harsh, but I'm putting it this way to impress upon you that you have a duty to get out. Otherwise your daughters will imprint on your modeling of what what kind of man to pick for a husband, and what kind of behavior to put up with.

Then you'll be watching your DDs being emotionally abused by their DHs, and your grandchildren will be affected the way your children are being affected now (and they are being affected now, OP)

OP you started this post because you know what you have to do.

Your mother wasn't self-reliant. Your grandmother helped. Nothing wrong with that as long as you can be honest.

Sorry, yes, PP you are right. For two years she helped by providing her basement (nothing else, believe me, but yes, that was helpful). Then my mom was on her own.