I have an abusive husband....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

so then it's an anger management problem? antidepressants wouldn't have solved that. he just needs anger management.

[Anonymous]

What is the ultimatum that you suggest here?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes anger is one of the signs of depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the ultimatum that you suggest here?

He gets consistent therapy individually and as a couple. If not, you start thinking about separation. It will show you the kind of guy he is and if your marriage is worth fighting for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. To 21.36. I mentioned what I was asking for. I guess you skimmed through and didn't have patience to read, which is ok. Posting on an anonymous forum gives me a chance to see and compare what others think, gain distance or reassurance in what I think. It also gives me a chance to vent.

I know most of you posting here do not have perfect marriages, there are some that have infidelity, some that have financial issues, some that have sickness, infertility, etc. there are ones that would leave a spouse for any of those reasons, and some of them choose to go through and fight. For right now I do realize that my DH is abusive but I choose to fight. Yes, I do realize that I may not be sparing my children and shielding them from everything, but it's hard to believe it's even possible to shield your children from everything anyway.

It easy to jump and say leave, divorce, but what about the aftermath? What about the feelings you still have? Custody battle?

You are a coward, and there is no prize for staying in a bad marriage when you have children. It's like fighting the emergency c-section when your baby's life in is danger - because you really wanted to have a natural childbirth. The only prize is a HEALTHY BABY in this sorry situation.

You are in the same kind of circumstances now. You need to make the best choice for your kids, and it's not staying in a marriage with a verbally abusive man because you're worried about your feelings. As for a custody battle, forget it. Unless he's an ax murderer, you will get joint custody, so forget a custody battle. It will never happen in DC, MD, or VA.

You need to get into intensive therapy and work on your self-esteem, and your values, and your codependency issues. You married him, you made the mistake. Now fix it and stop putting your kids in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

so then it's an anger management problem? antidepressants wouldn't have solved that. he just needs anger management.

This is horrible!!! Your poor girls.

Remembering birthdays and anniversaries??? Is that really important to you compared to him being verbally abusive to you in front of your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

so then it's an anger management problem? antidepressants wouldn't have solved that. he just needs anger management.

This is horrible!!! Your poor girls.

Remembering birthdays and anniversaries??? Is that really important to you compared to him being verbally abusive to you in front of your children?

So says the bored divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fits all of the above. I don't want to get into detail. We have two beautiful and smart daughters 6 and under. I often think of divorce, and I know nobody deserves this kind of life, but I can't imagine our daughters growing up in a broken family, can't imagine giving up on it, somewhat I still find enough in me to try, try, try. We've tried counseling and it helped while it lasted, though our work schedules make it impossible to schedule. The sessions were so sporadic. DH also stopped his individual therapy and dropped antidepressants, just because he wasn't disciplined. I married him, cause I was in love, in Catholic Church. I watched my parents 35 year marriage very tumultuous at times survive very rough patches. I somewhat believe I need to keep pulling through as well. Any words of wisdom and encouragement?

Re-read ypu post OP. You watched your parents rocky marriage growing up. As a rest you never learned what a good marriage is. You are repeating history. Your parents marriage was NOT emotionally healthy and damaged your perception of love and commitment to a mate.

Do you want your girls to grow up like you and marry an abusive man, just like mom because that is their normal?

Break the dysfunctional cycle. Your parents are a prime example of what not to do. Your parents marriage has given you no self worth.

[Anonymous]

so then it's an anger management problem? antidepressants wouldn't have solved that. he just needs anger management.

Depression can cause rage/anger management issues. In those cases (which is what my DH has), medication makes a tremendous difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the DV survivor.

Emotional abuse I and other survivors have described include;

Limiting access to financial resources
Forcing us to pay expenses as a lower earner
Forbidding the consumption of certain foods
Requiring us to dress or look a certain way
Harassment about the cleanliness of the home (but does not clean)
When caught in a lie, blame the other person
Losing a job or major life change without notifying
Controlling who you are allowed to associate with
Talking to those people badly behind your back

I don't think I've ever seen it written out like that. Gosh that's horrible. I'm glad you have been able to get yourself out of that situation PP.

I have gotten out, thank you PP. It took physical violence to wake me up and counseling to realize this list. Meeting other survivors made me realize our lists were almost exactly the same.

I'm a child of DV. Add intimidation across the board to this list. A household culture of fear. Random anger. Unjustifiable physical punishment. Being forced to eat food that makes you gag.

To the OP - my parents divorce was a gift from heaven. Didn't save me from the scars, but saved me from what could have been worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 20:26 and 20:33 are insightful. He is kind of a man that would battle me for the girls. He does have a strong emotional connection to them, especially one. To PP, I really appreciate your input criticism and advice. I am a strong person, I am well put together, educated and I am confident I could build a new happy relationship. It is my marriage that I do not want to give up on just yet. I guess I realize now that I was also looking for comments from those who have stayed and ended up working things through. When things are well, I do love spending time with my husband, I do like him, I do care about him. He's always apologized for being mean, etc, and especially when the girls witnessed anything he made sure to let them know he was wrong and that this behavior was not acceptable.

I see that most times he is trying, remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc, helps out, does nice things for me. It's the times he can't control his impulsiveness and just blurted out in anger making me feel very sad, hurt and disrespected.

so then it's an anger management problem? antidepressants wouldn't have solved that. he just needs anger management.

This is horrible!!! Your poor girls.

Remembering birthdays and anniversaries??? Is that really important to you compared to him being verbally abusive to you in front of your children?

So says the bored divorce attorney.

Thank you, frustrated and defensive woman stuck in a shitty marriage. But I am not a family law attorney, and I'm not bored.

Her kids will end up just like her, married to abusive men. And it's her fault for marrying him and for having children with him and for staying with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fits all of the above. I don't want to get into detail. We have two beautiful and smart daughters 6 and under. I often think of divorce, and I know nobody deserves this kind of life, but I can't imagine our daughters growing up in a broken family, can't imagine giving up on it, somewhat I still find enough in me to try, try, try. We've tried counseling and it helped while it lasted, though our work schedules make it impossible to schedule. The sessions were so sporadic. DH also stopped his individual therapy and dropped antidepressants, just because he wasn't disciplined. I married him, cause I was in love, in Catholic Church. I watched my parents 35 year marriage very tumultuous at times survive very rough patches. I somewhat believe I need to keep pulling through as well. Any words of wisdom and encouragement?

Yes I can see how it'd be much more horrific to have your daughters growing up in a broken family than occasionally witness mommy suffer a broken arm or neck
I can see how it'd be much more horrific to have your daughters growing up in a broken family than watch their mother abused continually and ultimately suffer a broken spirit.
C'mon lady wake up.

[Anonymous]

You have to make the decision as to what is really important. Please believe your kids know exactly what's going on. If you think they deserve the life your offering then stick to it. Why would anyone suggestion or encourage you to stay in something that obviously bothers you. Therapy can only do so much. There has to be the "want to change" factor. Without it, you are wasting the therapist time and your money. At some point you have to want better for yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fits all of the above. I don't want to get into detail. We have two beautiful and smart daughters 6 and under. I often think of divorce, and I know nobody deserves this kind of life, but I can't imagine our daughters growing up in a broken family, can't imagine giving up on it, somewhat I still find enough in me to try, try, try. We've tried counseling and it helped while it lasted, though our work schedules make it impossible to schedule. The sessions were so sporadic. DH also stopped his individual therapy and dropped antidepressants, just because he wasn't disciplined. I married him, cause I was in love, in Catholic Church. I watched my parents 35 year marriage very tumultuous at times survive very rough patches. I somewhat believe I need to keep pulling through as well. Any words of wisdom and encouragement?

Yes I can see how it'd be much more horrific to have your daughters growing up in a broken family than occasionally witness mommy suffer a broken arm or neck
I can see how it'd be much more horrific to have your daughters growing up in a broken family than watch their mother abused continually and ultimately suffer a broken spirit.
C'mon lady wake up.

I'm sorry I missed it, is OP getting beat?

[Anonymous]

If you stick by him, you're teaching your daughters that his behaviour is acceptable behavior and they can potentially have relationships that mirror your relationship with your husband when it is their turn to look for a spouse. I watched my father beat my mom, my brother's and me. The first boyfriend I had also beat me. We were in a relationship for 5 years and he was my first love, then I realized this was not normal and got out.