My DH occasionally binge drinks and drives w/ kids in car

[Anonymous]

How old are your verbal children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.

When he is sober, don't you think he is aware of the dangers of drinking too much? My guess is that if he's a binge drinker, he'll only do it on days when he doesn't have the kids. He'll "save" his drinking time for when you have the kids.

So, ask yourself this. You are worried about him driving or leaving your kids unsupervised (AKA at top of gated stairs, cold) when he has visitation or custody. But, that happened anyway. It happened on your watch. So, won't letting him (eventually) have the kids twice a month on Saturday or every other Wednesday actually lessen the chances of him driving drunk with them or not take care of them? He seems to be able to manage his "sober periods" and if he's a great dad when he's sober, I can almost guarantee that he'll do his best to only drink when he doesn't have the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.

This sounds like a pretty good scenario to me, actually. Sole custody with a period of supervised visitation while your husband gets sober is exactly what you want. No, there's no guarantee that he'll stay sober forever, but your kids will be much safer than they are now. Many, many addicts have relapses before they finally get sober for good. (And many don't ever stay sober, realistically.)

You never once mention that you love your husband and want to stay married, so I don't get why you haven't taken these lawyers' advice. Again, I'm thinking troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.

When he is sober, don't you think he is aware of the dangers of drinking too much? My guess is that if he's a binge drinker, he'll only do it on days when he doesn't have the kids. He'll "save" his drinking time for when you have the kids.

So, ask yourself this. You are worried about him driving or leaving your kids unsupervised (AKA at top of gated stairs, cold) when he has visitation or custody. But, that happened anyway. It happened on your watch. So, won't letting him (eventually) have the kids twice a month on Saturday or every other Wednesday actually lessen the chances of him driving drunk with them or not take care of them? He seems to be able to manage his "sober periods" and if he's a great dad when he's sober, I can almost guarantee that he'll do his best to only drink when he doesn't have the kids.

Do you actually know any alcoholics? You are attributing a whole lot of logic and control to this man and alcoholics aren't known for their logic and control.

[Anonymous]

OP, picture your children are in the hospital after being in a car accident while dad was driving drunk. Will you say "well I did everything I could?" or will you be saying "wow, I should have gotten a divorce and at least tried for full custody. Or wow, I should have pushed harder to be the one who does pick ups. Or wow, I should have enforced that he couldn't drive the kids."

[Anonymous]

Everyone seems very quick to assume the worst will happen if I stay with him and nothing bad will happen to my children if I leave. Why is that? I think both scenarios are dangerous and awful. In one, I just have more control (but still not total).

[Anonymous]

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

I'm poster 12:22, 12:35 and 12:45 and I'm married to an alcoholic. I've been to Al Anon, did some of the things I advise OP (though my DH was paranoid about drinking and driving so saved his "drunkedness" for home or when I could pick him up) lived with my DH through his drinking, and recovery. He's been sober for 6 years now and is still fully committed to his sobriety.

For what it's worth, I love my DH and loved him despite his disease. I struggled with not wanting to leave him. But, I took control over my and my children's lives. I did what others suggested. I took over all parenting responsibilities and calmly pointed out to my DH (when he was drinking) that he cannot watch or even play with the kids while drinking and I removed them from the situation - EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never argued, never pled with him to "please stop, please stop, please don't' play with kids." I just would see the drink, see his behavior and pick up kids, go to different room or take them out somewhere and tell him - "you cannot interact with kids when drinking."
It was hard as hell. I was tired, I felt sorry for myself and I was angry. but I did it. (That's why I don't understand OP's excuses) Eventually, he realized the harm he was causing and went to AA. After a couple of mis-steps and false starts, his sobriety went from one day to one week to one month and then one year. We celebrate is sobriety date each year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone seems very quick to assume the worst will happen if I stay with him and nothing bad will happen to my children if I leave. Why is that? I think both scenarios are dangerous and awful. In one, I just have more control (but still not total).

You are a wonderful mother who is doing everything you can for your children. I'm assuming that is what you wanted to hear by posting since you literally have not taken anyone's advice. How old is your verbal child? Can you give them a phone and instruct them to call 911 if dad is driving drunk? or tell the after school person in charge the problem. If your husband starts getting arrested for drunk driving, do you honestly think that that won't have an impact on visitation? I seriously hope you are a troll because I have zero idea why you posted except to rile people up.

[Anonymous]

Here's an idea OP. Why don't you at least TRY to stop DH from driving your kids. Pick them up and drive them to all activities. Hide the keys and insist that you drive anywhere. DH knows that if he threatens divorce, you'll just shut up and let him drive them around. Do you think he'll actually follow through? Give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.

When he is sober, don't you think he is aware of the dangers of drinking too much? My guess is that if he's a binge drinker, he'll only do it on days when he doesn't have the kids. He'll "save" his drinking time for when you have the kids.

So, ask yourself this. You are worried about him driving or leaving your kids unsupervised (AKA at top of gated stairs, cold) when he has visitation or custody. But, that happened anyway. It happened on your watch. So, won't letting him (eventually) have the kids twice a month on Saturday or every other Wednesday actually lessen the chances of him driving drunk with them or not take care of them? He seems to be able to manage his "sober periods" and if he's a great dad when he's sober, I can almost guarantee that he'll do his best to only drink when he doesn't have the kids.

Do you actually know any alcoholics? You are attributing a whole lot of logic and control to this man and alcoholics aren't known for their logic and control.

Yes. I'm married to one. (See my post at 12:55). I am applying logic and control because in my experience some alcoholics in their "sober periods" are logical, kind, big hearted and truly good intentioned. you cannot assume that because someone has the disease of alcoholism that they are some bum that's drunk 24/7, who is an asshole or abusive when he's sober or mean. You're missing the point that alcoholism is a disease that can affect decent kind, good hearted people. Most alcoholics feel depressed, guilty, ashamed and self loathing when sober because they can't control it. OP has said that when he's sober he's a great dad. I'm taking her for her word on that and assume that when he's sober, he's the typical alcoholic who doesn't want to intentionally hurt his kids. I also know that alcoholics would prefer to drink without people around judging them - when he's alone without the kids, it provides a "safe haven" if you will for him to drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

I'm poster 12:22, 12:35 and 12:45 and I'm married to an alcoholic. I've been to Al Anon, did some of the things I advise OP (though my DH was paranoid about drinking and driving so saved his "drunkedness" for home or when I could pick him up) lived with my DH through his drinking, and recovery. He's been sober for 6 years now and is still fully committed to his sobriety.

For what it's worth, I love my DH and loved him despite his disease. I struggled with not wanting to leave him. But, I took control over my and my children's lives. I did what others suggested. I took over all parenting responsibilities and calmly pointed out to my DH (when he was drinking) that he cannot watch or even play with the kids while drinking and I removed them from the situation - EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never argued, never pled with him to "please stop, please stop, please don't' play with kids." I just would see the drink, see his behavior and pick up kids, go to different room or take them out somewhere and tell him - "you cannot interact with kids when drinking."
It was hard as hell. I was tired, I felt sorry for myself and I was angry. but I did it. (That's why I don't understand OP's excuses) Eventually, he realized the harm he was causing and went to AA. After a couple of mis-steps and false starts, his sobriety went from one day to one week to one month and then one year. We celebrate is sobriety date each year.

I know, right? Wonder why there are so many people still in relationships with alcoholics? I guess not everyone is as great a wife and mother as you are and your DH..what a prize. He saw the light when you put your foot down. Good for you. Gold stars for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone seems very quick to assume the worst will happen if I stay with him and nothing bad will happen to my children if I leave. Why is that? I think both scenarios are dangerous and awful. In one, I just have more control (but still not total).

I'm not assuming the worst will happen if you stay and nothing bad will happen if you leave. I'm assuming that something bad will eventually happen. Maybe not catastrophic, maybe not life-threatening, but something bad will eventually happen. I'm assuming that you minimize the risk of something bad happening by leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

I'm poster 12:22, 12:35 and 12:45 and I'm married to an alcoholic. I've been to Al Anon, did some of the things I advise OP (though my DH was paranoid about drinking and driving so saved his "drunkedness" for home or when I could pick him up) lived with my DH through his drinking, and recovery. He's been sober for 6 years now and is still fully committed to his sobriety.

For what it's worth, I love my DH and loved him despite his disease. I struggled with not wanting to leave him. But, I took control over my and my children's lives. I did what others suggested. I took over all parenting responsibilities and calmly pointed out to my DH (when he was drinking) that he cannot watch or even play with the kids while drinking and I removed them from the situation - EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never argued, never pled with him to "please stop, please stop, please don't' play with kids." I just would see the drink, see his behavior and pick up kids, go to different room or take them out somewhere and tell him - "you cannot interact with kids when drinking."
It was hard as hell. I was tired, I felt sorry for myself and I was angry. but I did it. (That's why I don't understand OP's excuses) Eventually, he realized the harm he was causing and went to AA. After a couple of mis-steps and false starts, his sobriety went from one day to one week to one month and then one year. We celebrate is sobriety date each year.

I know, right? Wonder why there are so many people still in relationships with alcoholics? I guess not everyone is as great a wife and mother as you are and your DH..what a prize. He saw the light when you put your foot down. Good for you. Gold stars for all.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

I'm poster 12:22, 12:35 and 12:45 and I'm married to an alcoholic. I've been to Al Anon, did some of the things I advise OP (though my DH was paranoid about drinking and driving so saved his "drunkedness" for home or when I could pick him up) lived with my DH through his drinking, and recovery. He's been sober for 6 years now and is still fully committed to his sobriety.

For what it's worth, I love my DH and loved him despite his disease. I struggled with not wanting to leave him. But, I took control over my and my children's lives. I did what others suggested. I took over all parenting responsibilities and calmly pointed out to my DH (when he was drinking) that he cannot watch or even play with the kids while drinking and I removed them from the situation - EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never argued, never pled with him to "please stop, please stop, please don't' play with kids." I just would see the drink, see his behavior and pick up kids, go to different room or take them out somewhere and tell him - "you cannot interact with kids when drinking."
It was hard as hell. I was tired, I felt sorry for myself and I was angry. but I did it. (That's why I don't understand OP's excuses) Eventually, he realized the harm he was causing and went to AA. After a couple of mis-steps and false starts, his sobriety went from one day to one week to one month and then one year. We celebrate is sobriety date each year.

Congrats to your and your family PP. I admire you and your strength and I hope OP can bring herself to be the mom and wife that you are. My aunt was in a similar situation and removed the kids/didn't let him drive them. It eventually took 8 years and the loss of his license to go to AA. He's been sober for 26 but the sad thing is that his son appears to be following in his dad's footsteps and is the father of two young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone seems very quick to assume the worst will happen if I stay with him and nothing bad will happen to my children if I leave. Why is that? I think both scenarios are dangerous and awful. In one, I just have more control (but still not total).

OP, NP here- this idea that you have control in your current situation is bullshit... but you are in a co-dependent relationship (which means that managing your husbands alcoholism has made you have your own issues that need to be dealt with, hence why so many want you to go to Al-anon and get some real control over your life instead of the co-dependent lack of control... The longer you live in fear of not being able to control what happens after you divorce the more blinded you are to the complete and total lack of control you have now, you are kidding yourself if you think you can stop him from putting your kids at risk...

I recommend the book- Codependecy No More by Melody Beattie.

Good luck OP