My DH occasionally binge drinks and drives w/ kids in car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to wonder if this isn't just some horrible troll post, but I will respond seriously just in case.

OP, you are thinking about this the wrong way. By refusing to take drastic actions, you are enabling your husband's drinking, which is endangering your family AND OTHER PEOPLE. Every time your husband gets in the car, he is taking not only his life, and your precious children's lives, but also everyone else's precious children's lives into his drunken hands.

While you think you are protecting your children by being there to pick them up when they are cold and shivering on the stairs at 3 am, you are actually doing possibly irreparable damage to them by keeping them in the house with a dangerous alcoholic.

Yes, the best solution is for your husband to stop drinking forever. And the best way for you to help him to do that is to stop enabling him. Perhaps once his wife divorces him and he has to go through a nasty court battle and he loses custody of his children and all of your friends get to hear all the details, he will realize that he needs help.

If money is an object, please reach out to a women's shelter who can help you plan an exit strategy. The solution you have hit on, of saying "Oh Fuck" and hoping for the best is a recipe for disaster. I hope you will find the strength to get help.

she doesnt care about other peoples kids.
what a bitch

She doesn't even care about her own kids

[Anonymous]

How is it that he is taking care of the kids and driving a car when he has consumed alcohol? are you at work? is this during the day or at night?

You need to set up a safety system so that this can never happen. Hire a babysitter. Do your grocery shopping with the children.

You need to do more to prevent this if you know it is happening.

[Anonymous]

OP, how come you're not addressing everyone who is giving you concrete and sound advice? you're only defending yourself. I'll summarize for you the sound advice you got(and add some of my own):

1. you become sole driver of your kids. You act like you're a single parent. You get to aftercare before him, you drive them to functions.
2. You do not let your DH take kids out of the house when he's drinking. Again, you behave as if you're a single parent. Co-exist with him in the house for the time being.
3. Go to Al-Anon. They will give you advice to stop enabling your DH - and their advice won't be "leave and get a good lawyer" it'll be things to say/do when he drinks.
4. If he resists your actions to drive kids everywhere you call the police. They will determine if he's able to drive (and if he's able to take the kids in his condition).
5. Put the kids to bed yourself. even if he starts drinking after you've gone to bed, there should be no reason for DH to be taking care of your DC alone after you've gone to bed. You are responsible for your kids. Feed them, dress them, put them to bed. That would stop this "he's cold at the top of the stairs" shit.


you seem to be ignoring these posts and only starting to argue with people that are judging you. You need to put your big girl panties on and take care of your kids. You don't need to either leave him or let him drive the kids - there's a middle ground here that will protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have the same issue with my husband. I discussed my concerns with him, and told him it was just totally unacceptible for him to drink and drive, especially with out kids in the car. I told him if he wanted to stay married, he needed to have an ignition interlock device installed in his car, so I would not have to worry about him driving drunk. He eventually agreed, thankfully. Of course, you can't MAKE your husband have one installed, but can you talk to him about it?

Well, the first step in getting him to agree to that would be to get him to admit that he is actually drunk. He denies he has had too much to drink. He often denies drinking AT ALL, when he clearly has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please. If I sat down with my husband and told him that I didn't think that something he was doing with our kids was safe, he would be more than willing to engage with me on the subject. We would work together to find a solution that worked for both of us.

Of course he would. He does not have a problem with alcohol, does he? Do you really think an alcoholic is going to 'see the light' when things are just explained to them properly? You are painfully naive.

Well, which is it? Is he an "occasional binge drinker" who "is not physically dependent", or is he an alcoholic? I didn't say he was going to suddenly see the light, but the OP has been unwilling to say anything other than "I can't control his drinking" and "he'll have unsupervised access to my kids no matter what". I don't think I'm the one who's painfully naive in this situation. I'm certainly not the only one saying the things I've been saying.

[Anonymous]

OK OP, what do you have to say to this:

1. Talk to a lawyer and get some professional advie
2. Go to an AA support meeting and talk to people who have BTDT
3. Talk to their pediatrician. I'm sure he's had similar situations with a parent who is doing something unsafe and has better resources than what i can suggest
4. Call CPS and ask their advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how come you're not addressing everyone who is giving you concrete and sound advice? you're only defending yourself. I'll summarize for you the sound advice you got(and add some of my own):

1. you become sole driver of your kids. You act like you're a single parent. You get to aftercare before him, you drive them to functions.
2. You do not let your DH take kids out of the house when he's drinking. Again, you behave as if you're a single parent. Co-exist with him in the house for the time being.
3. Go to Al-Anon. They will give you advice to stop enabling your DH - and their advice won't be "leave and get a good lawyer" it'll be things to say/do when he drinks.
4. If he resists your actions to drive kids everywhere you call the police. They will determine if he's able to drive (and if he's able to take the kids in his condition).
5. Put the kids to bed yourself. even if he starts drinking after you've gone to bed, there should be no reason for DH to be taking care of your DC alone after you've gone to bed. You are responsible for your kids. Feed them, dress them, put them to bed. That would stop this "he's cold at the top of the stairs" shit.


you seem to be ignoring these posts and only starting to argue with people that are judging you. You need to put your big girl panties on and take care of your kids. You don't need to either leave him or let him drive the kids - there's a middle ground here that will protect your kids.

You seem to missing the point. You are assuming that my DH will agree to all this. I can tell you he will not. And the reason DH ends up with DC alone after I'm asleep is that we have a child who is AUTISTIC. If you don't know, most autistic children have sleeping issues. They wake and wander every night. Yes, we see a doctor. Yes, it is being medically managed as best as possible. I cannot call the police about my sober husband driving my children. And the police will do nothing unless they actually see him driving under the influence and if I call and give them license plates and location and they don't find him? It does no good to call once he is home. I've tried that, remember?

I have read al anon literature but do plan to start attending now.

I do not understand how you are suggesting I enforce any of this without risking him getting even more unsupervised time with the children.

[Anonymous]

how old is the non autistic child/children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how come you're not addressing everyone who is giving you concrete and sound advice? you're only defending yourself. I'll summarize for you the sound advice you got(and add some of my own):

1. you become sole driver of your kids. You act like you're a single parent. You get to aftercare before him, you drive them to functions.
2. You do not let your DH take kids out of the house when he's drinking. Again, you behave as if you're a single parent. Co-exist with him in the house for the time being.
3. Go to Al-Anon. They will give you advice to stop enabling your DH - and their advice won't be "leave and get a good lawyer" it'll be things to say/do when he drinks.
4. If he resists your actions to drive kids everywhere you call the police. They will determine if he's able to drive (and if he's able to take the kids in his condition).
5. Put the kids to bed yourself. even if he starts drinking after you've gone to bed, there should be no reason for DH to be taking care of your DC alone after you've gone to bed. You are responsible for your kids. Feed them, dress them, put them to bed. That would stop this "he's cold at the top of the stairs" shit.


you seem to be ignoring these posts and only starting to argue with people that are judging you. You need to put your big girl panties on and take care of your kids. You don't need to either leave him or let him drive the kids - there's a middle ground here that will protect your kids.

You seem to missing the point. You are assuming that my DH will agree to all this. I can tell you he will not. And the reason DH ends up with DC alone after I'm asleep is that we have a child who is AUTISTIC. If you don't know, most autistic children have sleeping issues. They wake and wander every night. Yes, we see a doctor. Yes, it is being medically managed as best as possible. I cannot call the police about my sober husband driving my children. And the police will do nothing unless they actually see him driving under the influence and if I call and give them license plates and location and they don't find him? It does no good to call once he is home. I've tried that, remember?

I have read al anon literature but do plan to start attending now.

I do not understand how you are suggesting I enforce any of this without risking him getting even more unsupervised time with the children.

Okay, OP, since you're dead set on ignoring everyone's advice (despite posting here in the first place), try this thought exercise:

Assume that your husband DOES get in an accident and kill someone as a result of driving drunk. He will, at that point, go to jail. You will, I would HOPE, divorce him. Who drives your kids around then? Who gets up in the night when your autistic child wanders?

Maybe implement that plan now, instead of waiting.

If your husband is unwilling to address your concerns with his drinking, that says worlds about how much he respects your opinion.

[Anonymous]

No, I'm not missing the point. You don't need to have a screaming battle with your Dh. You can say, "No honey, I'll get them, no problem" you could get there early and pick them up. And YES I know very well about non-verbal severely autistic children (and teens). Are you seriously telling me that you can't wake up with your son when he has sleeping issues? because if you divorce your DH, who is going to do that part for you when you have custody?

Honestly, you don't have to give your dh any reason for starting to pick up your kids and drive them everywhere. You can JUST DO IT. And if your DH drinks - he'll probably be happy that you're picking them up instead of him. Just practice saying it with me, "No, honey, I've got this. relax." or "Oh, I was in the area and picked them up already. Thanks." See? why does your DH need to agree to this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I do not understand how you are suggesting I enforce any of this without risking him getting even more unsupervised time with the children.

Al-Anon might help you understand how staying with a spouse who does this makes it easier for him to keep drinking. You are helping him to continue drinking with all of your bullshit excuses. You admit that you are not able to protect your children even while living with him, so this harping on unsupervised visitation and what if, what if, is pure bullshit. You have gotten a lot of good advice here, but you need to stop making excuses.

[Anonymous]

OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a fucking enabler.

My little sister was killed by a drunk driver when we were kids. Her death totally changed my life forever. I watched her die in the street before the ambulance arrived. We later learned that his wife knew he was getting behind the wheel drunk.

If you are aware that dear hubby is binge drinking with the kids in the car if something goes wrong, and it will eventually, you are an accomplice.

Please explain how you felt like this was a useful contribution to this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a fucking enabler.

My little sister was killed by a drunk driver when we were kids. Her death totally changed my life forever. I watched her die in the street before the ambulance arrived. We later learned that his wife knew he was getting behind the wheel drunk.

If you are aware that dear hubby is binge drinking with the kids in the car if something goes wrong, and it will eventually, you are an accomplice.

Please explain how you felt like this was a useful contribution to this conversation.

OP, go to Al Anon.