My DH occasionally binge drinks and drives w/ kids in car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone seems very quick to assume the worst will happen if I stay with him and nothing bad will happen to my children if I leave. Why is that? I think both scenarios are dangerous and awful. In one, I just have more control (but still not total).

Bad things ARE happening if your baby is crying and alone in the night. Bad things ARE happening if your husband is driving drunk with your children in the car. Sole custody will reduce the opportunities for your husband to do bad things. You have more control if you leave.

Your excuses are frankly making me sick. I hope someone who knows you and your husband in real life calls protective services and gets those kids out of the house for good.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all the responses so I'm probably repeating what someone else has said but I would urge you to go to Al-Anon. I don't know whether you should divorce your husband or not but at least if you go to Al-Anon regularly you will be able to hear what other people in your situation have done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.

When he is sober, don't you think he is aware of the dangers of drinking too much? My guess is that if he's a binge drinker, he'll only do it on days when he doesn't have the kids. He'll "save" his drinking time for when you have the kids.

So, ask yourself this. You are worried about him driving or leaving your kids unsupervised (AKA at top of gated stairs, cold) when he has visitation or custody. But, that happened anyway. It happened on your watch. So, won't letting him (eventually) have the kids twice a month on Saturday or every other Wednesday actually lessen the chances of him driving drunk with them or not take care of them? He seems to be able to manage his "sober periods" and if he's a great dad when he's sober, I can almost guarantee that he'll do his best to only drink when he doesn't have the kids.

Do you actually know any alcoholics? You are attributing a whole lot of logic and control to this man and alcoholics aren't known for their logic and control.

DP here. My mom threatened to divorce my dad if he didn't quit drinking and he quit. No promises that that would happen for OP's husband or anyone else's - but I see OP trying to control things way off in the possible future and she can't control them. But if her kids live with a drunk dad as opposed to visiting a drunk dad - well, based on what OP has said so far, I'm not convinced that they aren't safer visiting the drunk dad rather than living with him. Because he seems to be driving them around now even though OP is living with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

I'm poster 12:22, 12:35 and 12:45 and I'm married to an alcoholic. I've been to Al Anon, did some of the things I advise OP (though my DH was paranoid about drinking and driving so saved his "drunkedness" for home or when I could pick him up) lived with my DH through his drinking, and recovery. He's been sober for 6 years now and is still fully committed to his sobriety.

For what it's worth, I love my DH and loved him despite his disease. I struggled with not wanting to leave him. But, I took control over my and my children's lives. I did what others suggested. I took over all parenting responsibilities and calmly pointed out to my DH (when he was drinking) that he cannot watch or even play with the kids while drinking and I removed them from the situation - EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never argued, never pled with him to "please stop, please stop, please don't' play with kids." I just would see the drink, see his behavior and pick up kids, go to different room or take them out somewhere and tell him - "you cannot interact with kids when drinking."
It was hard as hell. I was tired, I felt sorry for myself and I was angry. but I did it. (That's why I don't understand OP's excuses) Eventually, he realized the harm he was causing and went to AA. After a couple of mis-steps and false starts, his sobriety went from one day to one week to one month and then one year. We celebrate is sobriety date each year.

Thanks for sharing, pp. We can all learn a lot from your story.

[Anonymous]

Al Anon is the place to start. You will be surprised who you meet there, and how much they can help you. DCUM may mean well, but they cannot help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how come you're not addressing everyone who is giving you concrete and sound advice? you're only defending yourself. I'll summarize for you the sound advice you got(and add some of my own):

1. you become sole driver of your kids. You act like you're a single parent. You get to aftercare before him, you drive them to functions.
2. You do not let your DH take kids out of the house when he's drinking. Again, you behave as if you're a single parent. Co-exist with him in the house for the time being.
3. Go to Al-Anon. They will give you advice to stop enabling your DH - and their advice won't be "leave and get a good lawyer" it'll be things to say/do when he drinks.
4. If he resists your actions to drive kids everywhere you call the police. They will determine if he's able to drive (and if he's able to take the kids in his condition).
5. Put the kids to bed yourself. even if he starts drinking after you've gone to bed, there should be no reason for DH to be taking care of your DC alone after you've gone to bed. You are responsible for your kids. Feed them, dress them, put them to bed. That would stop this "he's cold at the top of the stairs" shit.


you seem to be ignoring these posts and only starting to argue with people that are judging you. You need to put your big girl panties on and take care of your kids. You don't need to either leave him or let him drive the kids - there's a middle ground here that will protect your kids.

OP, listen to this, this is a post that tells you how to work around his drinking and stay in the marriage.

Because I do agree with you in that when your kids are with him you will have ZERO control and getting full custody + supervised visits isn't guaranteed. I found the PP who argued that maybe OP's DH will limit his drinking to non-custodial days to be one of the most Pollyannaish things I have *ever* read on this forum. While what you have now isn't really working, you can better change things in the marriage than out of it (when he will have the kids 5-50% of the time depending on how good of an act he can put on in family court.)

1) Just do it, don't ask permission. If he asks, say you can't let him anywhere alone with the kids when he's been drinking.
2) Ditto.
3) If you don't even do this, OP, you are failing yourself and your kids.
4) Ditto. (1) and (2) can be done passively.
5) Yep. If he isn't a mean/violent drunk, or can be trusted to at least put the kids to bed, consider that.

Talk to a lawyer. In the meantime, document everything.

[Anonymous]

My friend who is a completely recovered alcoholic gives you this tip: He was pulled over NOT for a DUI but for a cracked tail light. His blood alcohol content was .212. The officer was surprised because he passed the entire field sobriety test, but it was his smell and his rapid eye movement that gave it away. The officer told him that they look for things like broken tail lights to pull people over.

He suggests you find a way to crack the tail light of the car. That will increase the likelihood of him being pulled over.

So terribly sorry. See if you can find excuses to have the kids not in the car with him.

[Anonymous]

Get a breath lock for your car. He must breathe into it before it lets him start the car.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I was with a binge drinker for two years. I am thankful every day that I am no longer with him and no longer dealing with that. I luckily did not have children with him but I feel like I can relate to how powerless, frustrated and overwhelmed by this you feel. You are getting some good advice on this thread, but you are also getting more bashing then you should be getting. I feel for you and hope that you will be able to take some of the advice you received and act on it. You will feel a whole lot better when you take back a little bit of control over your life. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry this is happening to you OP. I strongly advise you to not give up so easily on this.

You say that things will be bad for the children in you leave your husband, but even if you continue to stay you are still putting your children in extreme danger as well. The status quo is just as bad.

Just because he hasn't gotten "caught" yet doesn't mean he never will. It is only a matter of time. Look at what happened to your Autistic son. This is a perfect example of how destructive your husband's drinking is affecting his own children. Next they will both be in caskets.

Sorry if this sounds extreme, but this is a serious issue.
Children have been killed by being in a car driven by someone under the influence, many times their own parents.

Do not let your children be the next statistic.

It sounds like you are clinging to all the excuses in the book for not leaving your husband. You are just assuming the courts will not listen to you, etc.
How do you know this for sure??

You need to talk to someone immediately.

Scout what resources are available in your town and get on the ball.

This is a very critical situation that needs to be addressed immediately.

You will never be able to live w/yourself if your children were killed (God Forbid) while passengers in your husband's vehicle if you had prior knowledge that he was a binge drinker. Never.

[Anonymous]

It's a sad situation and truth be told its only a matter of time before he kills someone or your kids by driving under the influence. How are you going to live with that if it happens? You've got to do something other than looking the other way. You need to put some actions behind hose words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

I'm poster 12:22, 12:35 and 12:45 and I'm married to an alcoholic. I've been to Al Anon, did some of the things I advise OP (though my DH was paranoid about drinking and driving so saved his "drunkedness" for home or when I could pick him up) lived with my DH through his drinking, and recovery. He's been sober for 6 years now and is still fully committed to his sobriety.

For what it's worth, I love my DH and loved him despite his disease. I struggled with not wanting to leave him. But, I took control over my and my children's lives. I did what others suggested. I took over all parenting responsibilities and calmly pointed out to my DH (when he was drinking) that he cannot watch or even play with the kids while drinking and I removed them from the situation - EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never argued, never pled with him to "please stop, please stop, please don't' play with kids." I just would see the drink, see his behavior and pick up kids, go to different room or take them out somewhere and tell him - "you cannot interact with kids when drinking."
It was hard as hell. I was tired, I felt sorry for myself and I was angry. but I did it. (That's why I don't understand OP's excuses) Eventually, he realized the harm he was causing and went to AA. After a couple of mis-steps and false starts, his sobriety went from one day to one week to one month and then one year. We celebrate is sobriety date each year.

Wise women.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is significantly underestimating the odds that she can successfully insist upon supervised visitation. The family courts have plenty of issues but: (1) being skewed against wives/mothers is not one of them; (2) tolerating drinking is not one if them; and (3) supervised visitation is not necessarily "expensive" to the state; a friend in a similar situation had the court appoint her MIL as the supervisor. Her MIL has her own set of issues but she loves the kids and keeps them safe and it keeps her exhusband's family as a part of the kid's lives.

OP should at least meet with a decent attorney before concluding divorce or separation is too risky. If she's not willing to educate herself more on that option, then saying that leaving him is not an option does come across a bit like an excuse to do nothing. (And if she's not ready for divorce, this seems like one of those rare situations where separation has a non-trivial chance of avoiding a divorce if the husband is committed to and capable of changing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a breath lock for your car. He must breathe into it before it lets him start the car.

I was going to suggest this as well. The issue is not the drinking, but the drinking and driving.

OP should explain to DH that the drinking and driving puts the children at risk. She should then install this device in the family car(s). DH probably doesn't realize when he's too drunk to drive. The device will teach him just how little it takes to be DUI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a breath lock for your car. He must breathe into it before it lets him start the car.

I was going to suggest this as well. The issue is not the drinking, but the drinking and driving.

OP should explain to DH that the drinking and driving puts the children at risk. She should then install this device in the family car(s). DH probably doesn't realize when he's too drunk to drive. The device will teach him just how little it takes to be DUI.

The issue is both the drinking and the drinking and driving.

OP, you are scum. Seriously, you have left a loaded gun on a children's playground and said "it's not my fault if someone gets shot"

You make me sick, you and your husband don't deserve your kids. He's a drunk and your a bad mother.