My DH occasionally binge drinks and drives w/ kids in car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good lawyer. Get out and take your kids with you before one of them gets killed. Good luck.

Thanks, but I feel like you didn't read past the subject line.

I'm not the poster who suggested a lawyer and leaving, but I agree 100% and I read the whole post multiple times.

What OP describes sounds like grounds for supervised visits only to me. This is a father who drinks and drives with the kids in the car, whose wife has reported his car to the police as a suspected DUI, who cannot control his drinking in and out of the house. He refuses to change his behavior, "won't agree to not driving the kids" and the OP says she can't do anything about it.

I think she needs to talk to a women's shelter and a lawyer, pronto.

Why a shelter?

Because your husband is endangering your children and he refuses to change his behavior. It doesn't matter if he believes that he is sober enough to drive if he isn't.

Look, I'm not one of those people who assumes that if you've had a beer, you're automatically not safe to drive. You didn't say that he has "a beer" though. You said he "binge drinks" which I assume to mean multiple drinks in a relatively compressed timeframe. It doesn't matter if he's physically dependent or not. If he has multiple drinks in a short time span and then gets behind the wheel, he is endangering your children and all the other children on the roads he drives on as well. If he is unwilling to accept this, I would be unwilling to allow my child to be in that car. If you are unwilling to enforce that, you are either enabling him or you need to talk to someone about the control issues in your marriage.

Please, tell me how I would 'enforce' that? And yes, he drinks after work and then picks kids up from aftercare or from activities, etc. Or drinks at home while I am out at PTA meetings, or even after I've gone to bed.

Well, for starters, you pick up your children. You drive them everywhere you need to go. You do not keep alcohol at home. You are the designated driver, at all times. Period.

Every single one of your posts has been making excuses for his behavior and yours. Do not be surprised by the lack of sympathy you get.

You are naive. I can't keep him from buying alcohol and bringing it home. I can't control his drinking, period. And if I make him miserable enough and angry enough to try to enforce a 'don't ever drive our children' rule, he will file for divorce himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a fucking enabler.

My little sister was killed by a drunk driver when we were kids. Her death totally changed my life forever. I watched her die in the street before the ambulance arrived. We later learned that his wife knew he was getting behind the wheel drunk.

If you are aware that dear hubby is binge drinking with the kids in the car if something goes wrong, and it will eventually, you are an accomplice.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain and loss you suffered. But at the end of the day, I must protect MY children first and foremost. What about when my DH 'graduates' from supervised visitation (because it doesn't take much to graduate...supervised visitation is expensive for the state to provide, and the tendency is to be as least restrictive as possible in terms of parent access). Then he starts drinking again and gets back in the car with our children? How long until I realize that he is drinking again? And how do I catch him? Our autistic child is not verbal. Again, I'm sorry for your loss, but your 'solution' makes a lot of assumptions.

And you do that by continuing to allow them to be driven by a man who binge drinks? Or throwing up your hands and saying, "What can you do?"

That word protect doesn't mean what you think it means.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is your oldest verbal child? If they are old enough to know about 911, understand what dangerous driving is or when dad seems off, and able to work a cell phone, I'd give them one of those emergency cell phones (the ones that can only call home, 911, the police, etc.) and say that ANYTIME dad is driving in a way that is scary or dad doesn't seem right, to call 911.

There are a few stores like this on google
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57596682/boy-10-calls-911-says-father-driving-drunk-he-might-jump/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good lawyer. Get out and take your kids with you before one of them gets killed. Good luck.

Thanks, but I feel like you didn't read past the subject line.

Of course I did. A good lawyer can help her get sole custody, which is why she is afraid to leave.

Sole custody, sure. But he still gets visitation. Supervised visitation is hard to get and limited. Even child molesters graduate from supervised visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a fucking enabler.

My little sister was killed by a drunk driver when we were kids. Her death totally changed my life forever. I watched her die in the street before the ambulance arrived. We later learned that his wife knew he was getting behind the wheel drunk.

If you are aware that dear hubby is binge drinking with the kids in the car if something goes wrong, and it will eventually, you are an accomplice.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain and loss you suffered. But at the end of the day, I must protect MY children first and foremost. What about when my DH 'graduates' from supervised visitation (because it doesn't take much to graduate...supervised visitation is expensive for the state to provide, and the tendency is to be as least restrictive as possible in terms of parent access). Then he starts drinking again and gets back in the car with our children? How long until I realize that he is drinking again? And how do I catch him? Our autistic child is not verbal. Again, I'm sorry for your loss, but your 'solution' makes a lot of assumptions.

So is your solution just to say this and say "oh well" and hope he doesn't kill your kids and someone else? Because at this point all I hear are excuses and I'm curious what someone has to say in order for you to change your opinion.

Excuses for what, exactly? Do you really believe that if I leave him he will quit drinking? I don't for a second. I believe he will likely drink even more. And have more 'unsupervised' access to our children. While drunk. When I am not there. And I don't even know if or when my children (or yours) are in danger. I can do NOTHING at that point if I don't know. At least now, I can do something some of the time. Like pick up my cold and crying son off the stairs at 3am. If he had done that on a custody visit? No one would ever know unless our child required hospitalization or a he let himself outside and the police were called. Please think about what I am saying. I'm not saying 'oh, well'. I'm saying 'oh, fuck' because there is no solution to this problem unless my DH quits drinking forever. And I can't make him do that.

Look, you're getting angry with everyone on this thread because you do not want to accept your role in this problem. I assume you came here for some sympathy, for someone to say, poor OP, that sounds really hard. Well, here you go: THAT SOUNDS REALLY HARD, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your husband has a problem and I know from first hand experience what it's like to watch someone with an alcohol problem deny that they have one and behave in ways that are dangerous and self destructive.

As for what you can do, you can actually request breathalyzers. You could get one of these: http://www.lifesafer.com/devices/fc100-ignition-interlock-with-camera/. You could stop keeping alcohol in the house, and stop leaving the children with him unsupervised, in any capacity, until he admits that his behavior is a problem. If your husband was saying "I am having trouble controlling my drinking" that would be one thing. According to you, that's not what he's saying. He's totally fine with picking your children up after having drinks after work. He doesn't understand how that could be a problem. That, RIGHT THERE, is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Wow. OP, you are ignoring ALL good advice from people and just giving excuses. I have sympathy for your children but I've lost all sympathy for you. For your children's sake, I hope you really listen to some of the people on this thread about what they'd do and who they would talk to. Wow. That's all I can say. wow

[Anonymous]

As a mother, I would protect my kids and my dh could pound dirt if he didnt like it.

I would FORBID, yes FORBID him from EVER driving MY kids.
Period, if he doesnt like that, he can file for divorce.
you are such a wimp

[Anonymous]

I'm starting to wonder if this isn't just some horrible troll post, but I will respond seriously just in case.

OP, you are thinking about this the wrong way. By refusing to take drastic actions, you are enabling your husband's drinking, which is endangering your family AND OTHER PEOPLE. Every time your husband gets in the car, he is taking not only his life, and your precious children's lives, but also everyone else's precious children's lives into his drunken hands.

While you think you are protecting your children by being there to pick them up when they are cold and shivering on the stairs at 3 am, you are actually doing possibly irreparable damage to them by keeping them in the house with a dangerous alcoholic.

Yes, the best solution is for your husband to stop drinking forever. And the best way for you to help him to do that is to stop enabling him. Perhaps once his wife divorces him and he has to go through a nasty court battle and he loses custody of his children and all of your friends get to hear all the details, he will realize that he needs help.

If money is an object, please reach out to a women's shelter who can help you plan an exit strategy. The solution you have hit on, of saying "Oh Fuck" and hoping for the best is a recipe for disaster. I hope you will find the strength to get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good lawyer. Get out and take your kids with you before one of them gets killed. Good luck.

Thanks, but I feel like you didn't read past the subject line.

I'm not the poster who suggested a lawyer and leaving, but I agree 100% and I read the whole post multiple times.

What OP describes sounds like grounds for supervised visits only to me. This is a father who drinks and drives with the kids in the car, whose wife has reported his car to the police as a suspected DUI, who cannot control his drinking in and out of the house. He refuses to change his behavior, "won't agree to not driving the kids" and the OP says she can't do anything about it.

I think she needs to talk to a women's shelter and a lawyer, pronto.

Why a shelter?

Because your husband is endangering your children and he refuses to change his behavior. It doesn't matter if he believes that he is sober enough to drive if he isn't.

Look, I'm not one of those people who assumes that if you've had a beer, you're automatically not safe to drive. You didn't say that he has "a beer" though. You said he "binge drinks" which I assume to mean multiple drinks in a relatively compressed timeframe. It doesn't matter if he's physically dependent or not. If he has multiple drinks in a short time span and then gets behind the wheel, he is endangering your children and all the other children on the roads he drives on as well. If he is unwilling to accept this, I would be unwilling to allow my child to be in that car. If you are unwilling to enforce that, you are either enabling him or you need to talk to someone about the control issues in your marriage.

Please, tell me how I would 'enforce' that? And yes, he drinks after work and then picks kids up from aftercare or from activities, etc. Or drinks at home while I am out at PTA meetings, or even after I've gone to bed.

Well, for starters, you pick up your children. You drive them everywhere you need to go. You do not keep alcohol at home. You are the designated driver, at all times. Period.

Every single one of your posts has been making excuses for his behavior and yours. Do not be surprised by the lack of sympathy you get.

You are naive. I can't keep him from buying alcohol and bringing it home. I can't control his drinking, period. And if I make him miserable enough and angry enough to try to enforce a 'don't ever drive our children' rule, he will file for divorce himself.

Please. If I sat down with my husband and told him that I didn't think that something he was doing with our kids was safe, he would be more than willing to engage with me on the subject. We would work together to find a solution that worked for both of us. Stop pretending that your options are "leave him and leave my kids alone with the drunk dangerous man" and "stay with drunk dangerous man because I can't control his drinking". If HE is unable to control his drinking to a basic level (and I think regardless of disagreement about how much is too much, we can all agree that drinking multiple drinks before you pick up your kids from school is dangerous), he has a problem, period. The more you post, the more convinced I become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd actually go so far as to tell aftercare about husband's drinking. I would not care about saving our marriage and him hating me. I'd care about my kid's welfare only. I'd tell them to keep the kids inside and call the cops if it appears their dad is drunk and driving. I'd do everything in my power to make sure that I either pick up the kids, have a friend pick up the kids, or tell whoever is in charge of the activity to call the police/me if dad ever shows up to drive them and he appears drunk.

Well then WOULD be safer at that moment, and maybe in the short term. But what about when he has visitation with them and you don't know when he drinks and drives with them? What is 'in your power' then? You give the courts all the power when you file for divorce, you know that? Lawyers may or may not be able to get you sole custody. But its very unlikely that your children's father will NEVER be allow to be alone with them EVER AGAIN. Think about that.

[Anonymous]

I agree 12:16. I actually just reported it to Jeff to ask him to check it out. There is a troll on here who posts inflammatory stories and then continues to post in order to rile people up. I'm really hoping that the OP is this person and not a spineless mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to wonder if this isn't just some horrible troll post, but I will respond seriously just in case.

OP, you are thinking about this the wrong way. By refusing to take drastic actions, you are enabling your husband's drinking, which is endangering your family AND OTHER PEOPLE. Every time your husband gets in the car, he is taking not only his life, and your precious children's lives, but also everyone else's precious children's lives into his drunken hands.

While you think you are protecting your children by being there to pick them up when they are cold and shivering on the stairs at 3 am, you are actually doing possibly irreparable damage to them by keeping them in the house with a dangerous alcoholic.

Yes, the best solution is for your husband to stop drinking forever. And the best way for you to help him to do that is to stop enabling him. Perhaps once his wife divorces him and he has to go through a nasty court battle and he loses custody of his children and all of your friends get to hear all the details, he will realize that he needs help.

If money is an object, please reach out to a women's shelter who can help you plan an exit strategy. The solution you have hit on, of saying "Oh Fuck" and hoping for the best is a recipe for disaster. I hope you will find the strength to get help.

she doesnt care about other peoples kids.
what a bitch

[Anonymous]

OP, I have the same issue with my husband. I discussed my concerns with him, and told him it was just totally unacceptible for him to drink and drive, especially with out kids in the car. I told him if he wanted to stay married, he needed to have an ignition interlock device installed in his car, so I would not have to worry about him driving drunk. He eventually agreed, thankfully. Of course, you can't MAKE your husband have one installed, but can you talk to him about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd actually go so far as to tell aftercare about husband's drinking. I would not care about saving our marriage and him hating me. I'd care about my kid's welfare only. I'd tell them to keep the kids inside and call the cops if it appears their dad is drunk and driving. I'd do everything in my power to make sure that I either pick up the kids, have a friend pick up the kids, or tell whoever is in charge of the activity to call the police/me if dad ever shows up to drive them and he appears drunk.

Well then WOULD be safer at that moment, and maybe in the short term. But what about when he has visitation with them and you don't know when he drinks and drives with them? What is 'in your power' then? You give the courts all the power when you file for divorce, you know that? Lawyers may or may not be able to get you sole custody. But its very unlikely that your children's father will NEVER be allow to be alone with them EVER AGAIN. Think about that.

Excuses excuses excuses. Look, why did you post? You are obviously going to do nothing except cross your fingers and hope he doesn't kill your kids and anyone else. So OP, I guess at this point I'll say hopefully your husband is in a car accident by himself and hits a tree or something and can never drive again. You disgust me just as much as your husband does. Some people should NOT be parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please. If I sat down with my husband and told him that I didn't think that something he was doing with our kids was safe, he would be more than willing to engage with me on the subject. We would work together to find a solution that worked for both of us.

Of course he would. He does not have a problem with alcohol, does he? Do you really think an alcoholic is going to 'see the light' when things are just explained to them properly? You are painfully naive.