Annoying Constant Comparison - sorry loooooong...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, so this whole thing is about comparing a 15-month old with only 4 teeth, who can walk but not crawl to a 15-16 month old who cannot walk, self feed or eat textures, but has a full set of teeth for that age? Wow.

What part of the country are you from?

What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Special needs mom here....taking your post at face value OP, since I wasn't there...you have a special needs child and the other mom was a little competitive with you about minor developmental milestones.

Sometimes I find that with my DD, who has cerebral palsy, people are very comfortable accepting her as a cute child with a beautiful smile, almost like something ornamental. But when I mention that she is in kindergarten and reading on grade level and doing addition/subtraction, they kind of freeze and tense up as if they have no concept of her being an actual intellect that could, possibly, be doing even better than some "normal" children. Same thing when I mention that she was potty trained at 2.5. "Oh!"

People can be accepting of special needs kids...as long as they are cute, behind their peers, and non-competitive.

I recommend posting this on the Special Needs board.

[Anonymous]

I think it can be hard not to compare your kid to other kids. I just don't voice it most of the time. (except to my daughter's dad in private.) My daughter crawled late but walked at the normal time - I know kids who walked very early and very late. I know from other moms that my daughter is a good eater and good sleeper. I know that my daughter is way more verbal than nearly every other kid her age that I've met. I know that she kept a pacifier WAY later than most kids, and I know that she'll probably be potty-trained on the later side. I think it's normal to compare, and it doesn't have to be competitive, but we have to be careful how and to whom we voice things.

[Anonymous]

This playdate sounds like a complete nightmare. If it happened to me, I would quickly seek out my single and/or child-free friends for some relaxed fun.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the other parents as being competitive. I just see them expressing how they are impressed with what your child is doing. They are clearly impressed in the context of knowing with their DD can and can not do (probably their only reference point), but really all they were doing was giving you compliments about your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see the other parents as being competitive. I just see them expressing how they are impressed with what your child is doing. They are clearly impressed in the context of knowing with their DD can and can not do (probably their only reference point), but really all they were doing was giving you compliments about your DD.

This. OP, I agree your original post came across as an excuse to brag about your child's milestones, but I wanted to offer some constructive feedback. Hopefully, this will help you in future playdates and being able to not get so worked up over the competition thing.

First, like previous pp said, ask yourself why you got so upset? Is it that instead of being a cheerleader for your DD doing all these things, the other mom found explanations for why your DD could do them but hers could not? What's wrong with that? Did you expect her to go "YAY, WOW your DD can really do those shapes." (How impressive [clap, clap, clap] your DD can walk. Hooray!!" Think about why you needed her support rather than getting so upset that she had "reasons" for it. Also, try to remember when her DD was rolling over and yours was not. DId you say "YAY, HOORAY, your DD rolls over" and stop at that, or did you give her a reason (My DD has developmental delays) It's sort of the same thing.

Second - Next time she comments on what your child does, try understanding her position and give her a comforting words. Here are some examples from the situations you posted. She comments about your DD walking, you could say nicely, "Yeah, since DD couldn't crawl (like yours crawls so well), we worked on her walking. OTherwise she'd still just be lying there immobile. You're DD crawls around so well, she has no reason to learn to walk right now" About the cup - "Thanks, we worked with her on learning to drink from an open cup because she wouldn't take the bottle." Did your DD take o the bottle well? We had no choice - mess and all - to teach her. Even you admited to us that the reason she learned to drink from a cup was because she didn't take a bottle. Did you admit that to your friend? Because that sounds like you're hiding your DDs inabilities but promoting her accomplishments. THat's bragging and I'm sure the other mother sensed that

Hope these tips help you in future playdates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see the other parents as being competitive. I just see them expressing how they are impressed with what your child is doing. They are clearly impressed in the context of knowing with their DD can and can not do (probably their only reference point), but really all they were doing was giving you compliments about your DD.

This. From the original post I take it that you don't get together with the other couple that often. Honestly, your child doesn't sound delayed, and that is great considering she is SN. The PT is obviously working, and great job on being such an advocate for your child.
When we get together with my ILs, there are two sets of twins that are 3 weeks older and 3 weeks younger than DD respectively. There are always conversations along the lines of "Wow your DD can do this, ours is still doing that" especially by the grandparents. I never thought of it as a competition, and I never thought that any one of them walking/eating a wider variety of food/having better fine motor skills than another was a sign of anything. Kids develop at different paces and at this age (all the children are still under the age of 2), there is such a wide range of normal. That's probably just me though, I bet my SILs interpreted my "good for your child" comments as being defensive and perhaps I made them uncomfortable.
You should learn to either interpret the comments that your friends were making about your child not as a competitive type of comment, but more as a compliment and move on. I know easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

my DC is not SN but DN (niece or nephew) is

You don't know? Here's a hint - if you open up the diaper and see a penis, he's a nephew. If not, she's a niece. If that's too difficult, you could just ask the parents - they probably know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

my DC is not SN but DN (niece or nephew) is

You don't know? Here's a hint - if you open up the diaper and see a penis, he's a nephew. If not, she's a niece. If that's too difficult, you could just ask the parents - they probably know.

I think the PP you mentioned Didn't want to specify if it was a boy or girl. You should go back to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

my DC is not SN but DN (niece or nephew) is

You don't know? Here's a hint - if you open up the diaper and see a penis, he's a nephew. If not, she's a niece. If that's too difficult, you could just ask the parents - they probably know.

I think the PP you mentioned Didn't want to specify if it was a boy or girl. You should go back to school.

<head hitting keyboard>

Of course! Because then, we'd be able to identify her! "Look, Look - it's the one with the SN niece!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what got to me about OP's post. She reports her DD is developmentally delayed. She then says that her friend's DD who is only two weeks younger hasn't even met the milestones that OP's DD has met. If I were the friend, I'd probably be pretty freaked out if I were realizing that my child was behind that of my friend's developmentally delayed child. But instead of getting where the friend is coming from, OP is irritated about it. And worse, through her post of comparisons seems to build her DD up by essentially saying that her friend's DD is even more disabled but her friend just doesn't recognize it.

I took it as "omg! can you believe my friend's kid is sooooo much worse off than mine and her's is not "developmentally delayed". Wow there is something wrong with that kid" The rest of her post I took as "Ha Ha, I mad my friend a basketcase over her kids development. good! she deserved it after all cause my kid had to have PT and that's not fair bc I lost some bragging points for that. Now friend will know how it feels!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what got to me about OP's post. She reports her DD is developmentally delayed. She then says that her friend's DD who is only two weeks younger hasn't even met the milestones that OP's DD has met. If I were the friend, I'd probably be pretty freaked out if I were realizing that my child was behind that of my friend's developmentally delayed child. But instead of getting where the friend is coming from, OP is irritated about it. And worse, through her post of comparisons seems to build her DD up by essentially saying that her friend's DD is even more disabled but her friend just doesn't recognize it.

I took it as "omg! can you believe my friend's kid is sooooo much worse off than mine and her's is not "developmentally delayed". Wow there is something wrong with that kid" The rest of her post I took as "Ha Ha, I mad my friend a basketcase over her kids development. good! she deserved it after all cause my kid had to have PT and that's not fair bc I lost some bragging points for that. Now friend will know how it feels!"

You took it wrong.

I'm the OP and I tried to emphasize the aspects in which the other mother tried to rush her child into doing something she was clearly not ready. She was constantly giving reasons why her child was not doing what my child was and after reading this thread with lots of attention I understand that the poor lady was probably freaking out that her child was "behind" my "delayed" kid.

I was irritated because instead of having a constructive conversation about our childrens' milestones we transformed the afternoon in a comparison fest. I should be more attentive to this mom's concerns next time and like a PP suggested I'll try not to downplay the interaction. When we met for the first time there was very little talk about the children. We had no chance to "compare" them. It was more about getting to know each other. I just got annoyed this time around because I thought the kid would play and we would get to talk again, like grown ups but instead it became a shower of excuses from her side and I was just trying to make it less awkward.

I guess I got the input I was looking for. Thanks to all who came with helpful and kind advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what got to me about OP's post. She reports her DD is developmentally delayed. She then says that her friend's DD who is only two weeks younger hasn't even met the milestones that OP's DD has met. If I were the friend, I'd probably be pretty freaked out if I were realizing that my child was behind that of my friend's developmentally delayed child. But instead of getting where the friend is coming from, OP is irritated about it. And worse, through her post of comparisons seems to build her DD up by essentially saying that her friend's DD is even more disabled but her friend just doesn't recognize it.

I took it as "omg! can you believe my friend's kid is sooooo much worse off than mine and her's is not "developmentally delayed". Wow there is something wrong with that kid" The rest of her post I took as "Ha Ha, I mad my friend a basketcase over her kids development. good! she deserved it after all cause my kid had to have PT and that's not fair bc I lost some bragging points for that. Now friend will know how it feels!"

You took it wrong.

I'm the OP and I tried to emphasize the aspects in which the other mother tried to rush her child into doing something she was clearly not ready. She was constantly giving reasons why her child was not doing what my child was and after reading this thread with lots of attention I understand that the poor lady was probably freaking out that her child was "behind" my "delayed" kid.

I was irritated because instead of having a constructive conversation about our childrens' milestones we transformed the afternoon in a comparison fest. I should be more attentive to this mom's concerns next time and like a PP suggested I'll try not to downplay the interaction. When we met for the first time there was very little talk about the children. We had no chance to "compare" them. It was more about getting to know each other. I just got annoyed this time around because I thought the kid would play and we would get to talk again, like grown ups but instead it became a shower of excuses from her side and I was just trying to make it less awkward.

I guess I got the input I was looking for. Thanks to all who came with helpful and kind advice.

Well, I can see you're well on your way to being more attentive to her concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, OP, it's pretty clear that the competitive attitude is coming just as much from you as the other family, if not more. You may not even realize how you are coming off, but the fact that you needed to point out how your kid was better in every way and they were just defensive is a huge red flag. I suspect if you don't think a little harder about your own behavior you are going to find a lot more "weird" families out there.

I know it's hard because we are all proud of our kids, and when someone else has a child close in age it is natural to compare. But you have to learn to be happy and proud of your kid for who s/he is and learn to look for the good in your friends' kids too. Your kid may be walking and eating now, but their kid may learn to read first, or may get into Harvard and your kid doesn't, or may invent the cure for cancer. You can't base your own feelings and pride on your child's accomplishments. Focus instead on making your kid into a kind, caring human being. The best way to do this is by example.

Weird, I got the same feeling while reading your post OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I won't mention the crawling because we're from a different school of thought so it's irrelevant here.

I have no idea what this means, but I'm sure it's hilarious.

OP here.

Some people believe crawling is a milestone others believe it's not. You can laugh it off now.

I don't understand - why did you put your daughter into PT for lack of crawling if you don't believe its a milestone?

I also agree with the PP, you are not describing a gross motor delay. That may have been the initial diagnosis (due to lack of crawling), but that is no longer the case as your child has dexterity and ability to walk on par with / in advanced of her age.

For your original post - this is normal with parents of 1 child to be somewhat competitive. But on the level you are describing its probably reflective of your relationship with them. If you have a good, healthy relationship with those parents the comparisons shouldn't be happening in such an aggressive manner. Maybe time to reconsider the relationship or having a one-on-one with the Mom, maybe something is going on behind the scenes that you don't know about (divorce, etc).