Annoying Constant Comparison - sorry loooooong...

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

Just coming on to lend some sympathy b/c I didn't think your initial post came off badly at all. I would guess, too, that your child caught them off-guard and they were super insecure. She could very well be looking back on the afternoon thinking WTF was I saying?! I don't think most parents will be like that, and you may even want to give them a second chance, maybe in a different venue. I bet it's hard to see a child the same age as yours come to your house and start playing with your kid's unfamiliar toys more adeptly than your own child. I'd probably feel a twinge, too, although I hope would handle it more graciously!

[Anonymous]

Wow OP -- you sure sound defensive. Didn't you post this as a vent about another mother's defensive attitude?

Also, this isn't CONSTANT comparison. You met these people for lunch and your child's skills made that mother a little insecure. Where is your compassion? I'm happy that, for as delayed as your DD is, she's still above-average in all of these skills. I'm sure you're happy too and that's why you posted about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here and I'm sure defensive. I came to vent and I'm being attacked. I apologized for the way I sounded and I agree that I still have to work on how I interact with other parents. I was just not prepared to face that overflow of comparison in just a few hours.

We've met them before and our children were very young. It was when we first learned about our DD's condition and while their child was rolling all over the place exploring our child was a blob laying on her back staring at the ceiling. By then all our conversations were regarding our DH's jobs (they're in the same field), if we were going back to work or not and the sleep deprivation.

I also had an awkward moment when we talked about our going back to work status this time around but I won't even go there today with you guys... This has been hurtful enough for me.

[Anonymous]

The comparisons are part of life and no matter how hard we all try the truth is we all compare our kids. I have friend who's kids know colors and shapes and I joke that my son has no clue what a color is. Maybe not in such an extreme way as to get upset with a child for not being able to do a shape sorter.

When my son started walking early I had friends asking "what did you do to get him to walk so early." They treated me like I had some secret when in reality he just wanted to walk when he wanted to walk and had the strength to do so.

The people you are talking about sound a little extreme, but they also may not have meant too much by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I'm sure defensive. I came to vent and I'm being attacked. I apologized for the way I sounded and I agree that I still have to work on how I interact with other parents. I was just not prepared to face that overflow of comparison in just a few hours.

We've met them before and our children were very young. It was when we first learned about our DD's condition and while their child was rolling all over the place exploring our child was a blob laying on her back staring at the ceiling. By then all our conversations were regarding our DH's jobs (they're in the same field), if we were going back to work or not and the sleep deprivation.

I also had an awkward moment when we talked about our going back to work status this time around but I won't even go there today with you guys... This has been hurtful enough for me.

I think the point is that you are the one doing the comparing. Your original post sounds more like a brag than a vent.

[Anonymous]

OP, chill. Your first post sounded freakishly hypercompetitive and braggy (wow, your child can eat! what a prodigy!) and now your followups are veering toward hysterics. If you don't see that in your posts even after a second read, you need to try to be a little more self-aware. Otherwise, parenthood is going to be a long, lonely ride.

Second, from your description it sounds like your child has torticollis. My second child had that, along with low tone, and had a lot of PT for a few months but has since hit most of his milestones on time. I'd never call him "delayed" - that implies to me at least a much more substantial set of circumstances. Either you're playing the martyr or you don't understand how commonplace this is in young infants. It sounds like your child is doing well, and maybe you need to get past the focus on whatever difficulties she experienced in her early infancy.

[Anonymous]

I do not read OP's post the way many do. It is uncomfortable when people remark about what your child can do when their child of a similar age or a little older cannot do the same things. I will not go into stories about my children or I will be treated the same way but just wanted to chime in that I did not read OP's post as bragging about her child. Not sure what the answer is, my advice would be not to overemphasize but also not to downplay your child's accomplishments, it can become a habit your child will eventually begin to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not read OP's post the way many do. It is uncomfortable when people remark about what your child can do when their child of a similar age or a little older cannot do the same things. I will not go into stories about my children or I will be treated the same way but just wanted to chime in that I did not read OP's post as bragging about her child. Not sure what the answer is, my advice would be not to overemphasize but also not to downplay your child's accomplishments, it can become a habit your child will eventually begin to understand.

Perhaps you don't relize this, but pp's are a group of experienced mothers, most of whom have been on both sides of this experience.

[Anonymous]

I won't mention the crawling because we're from a different school of thought so it's irrelevant here.

I have no idea what this means, but I'm sure it's hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP -- you sure sound defensive. Didn't you post this as a vent about another mother's defensive attitude?

Also, this isn't CONSTANT comparison. You met these people for lunch and your child's skills made that mother a little insecure. Where is your compassion? I'm happy that, for as delayed as your DD is, she's still above-average in all of these skills. I'm sure you're happy too and that's why you posted about it.

+1. And, while the PP whose DC has gross motor delays wasn't the nicest, it seems that she was just trying to get more information to get a complete picture, because what you were saying didn't make sense to her. Why are you getting so emotional about this? It's not like you asked about your mother's dog that has cancer or something. You can expect a little snark when you ask about hypercompetitive parents, which I don't even think is the case here. The parents were surprised that your child with gross motor delays was doing all these things, so they expressed their surprise. It might have even been a compliment. Who knows? Not sure I trust your interpretation of events...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not read OP's post the way many do. It is uncomfortable when people remark about what your child can do when their child of a similar age or a little older cannot do the same things. I will not go into stories about my children or I will be treated the same way but just wanted to chime in that I did not read OP's post as bragging about her child. Not sure what the answer is, my advice would be not to overemphasize but also not to downplay your child's accomplishments, it can become a habit your child will eventually begin to understand.

Perhaps you don't relize this, but pp's are a group of experienced mothers, most of whom have been on both sides of this experience.

Oh, they are all experienced mothers, well silly me for thinking that my experience might be valuable as well, I did not realize there was no room for a difference of opinion about what the OP was trying to express.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I won't mention the crawling because we're from a different school of thought so it's irrelevant here.

I have no idea what this means, but I'm sure it's hilarious.

I know, right!?! What!??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I won't mention the crawling because we're from a different school of thought so it's irrelevant here.

I have no idea what this means, but I'm sure it's hilarious.

OP here.

Some people believe crawling is a milestone others believe it's not. You can laugh it off now.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't crawling be a milestone? If drinking out of a cup or scooting or lifting one's head are all "milestones," why wouldn't crawling be? Let me gues: because your DD didn't crawl or didn't crawl on time? Oh, well, in that case, you're right, crawling couldn't possibly be a milestone because then you'd have to admit that your child was behind in hitting her milestones. Obviously, kids can be advanced or delayed in milestones but you don't like to admit that about your OWN kid, do you OP? Rather, you'll just change the entire form of evaluation and take that milestone out of consideration altogether.

[Anonymous]

OP, you and your family friend both need to have second children or tolerate each other for a couple of years more. Then you will mellow out and realize that you both were being ridiculous. When your kids are three or four, no one will care who walked, talked, or ate first. Obviously, there will still be competitive moms out there, but it gets toned down. When your kids are older you will see that often the latest walker is the most coordinated, etc. With my first I was so worried about when other babies were sitting, walking, etc. I so wanted my baby to be the first one to meet milestones. With the second one, I didn't want him to roll over or crawl early because it made it more challenging to keep him safe. If you re-read your post in three of years, you will laugh.