Husband doesn't want kids; but I do

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry you're in this spot. Some of the previous posters make it sound so easy, but choosing between children and the man you love (if it comes to that) is not easy. I was in a similar spot at your age - I had been dating my now husband for a few years and he had two children (also from his early 20s). He was unsure if he wanted more kids. We had lots of serious discussions, and he knew both that this was likely a deal-breaker for me and that I had a limited amount of time to deal with his decision-making (I was 35 when we got married). I think I would have walked away if he had said no, but am glad I wasn't faced with that decision, as it would have been agonizing. We negotiated a max of 2 kids ahead of time (I had originally wanted 2-3). We now have two kids and he loves being a dad all over again (he was 41 when #1 was born, btw) and says he wouldn't have it any other way.

I understand that people can have genuine changes of heart, but your DH knew the stakes, knew what was involved in having kids, and should have made a final decision before marrying you or at least been honest that he was still wavering. Counseling is necessary if for no other reason than to help ease your mind on whatever your decision is, but really you should seriously consider your future even if he changes his mind again - can he be trusted to be involved and not resent you if you have a child with SN? To not leave you after the child is born? Are you OK with bearing the brunt of childcare duties if he doesn't step up to the plate? And can you trust him to be honest with you about other aspects of your relationship?

I also agree with the PPs who say the best indicator of what kind of dad your DH will be is the kind of dad he is. Consider that too, and don't make excuses for him, because they will not feel so glib when applied to your own children. You don't say how far away his kid are, but saying he sees them "as often as he can, usually once a month" sounds pretty shabby to me, unless they live several hours away.

And not to pile on, but give yourself a time-line and stick to it, or else the decision will be made for you. Honestly, your time is actually quite limited, and every year is precious at your age - you won't appreciate how true that is until you start trying to conceive, but you will see it, and will be glad of any extra time you can give yourself.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

I suspect this is something he can work through. Sounds like he needs to have some sort of closure in his life wrt the first marriage and forgive himself for past mistakes -- so he can also forgive himself for being imperfect, in general! (How do you like my armchair analysis? )

At any rate, pursue counseling. You might discover something about yourself just as he is likely to discover something about himself.

Has anyone here recommended a really good counselor?

[Anonymous]

"Lots of men start their "first" family at 41. It is not too old. "

It would be a second family for DH.

[Anonymous]

"I suspect this is something he can work through. Sounds like he needs to have some sort of closure in his life wrt the first marriage and forgive himself for past mistakes -- so he can also forgive himself for being imperfect, in general! (How do you like my armchair analysis? ) "

Or, perhaps he has a "been there, done that" vibe, doesn't want to deal with a teenager when he is in his mid to late 50s, and would like to retire at a decent age.

BELIEVE HIM.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP that you're in this situation. In my marriage, I was the one who somewhat changed her mind about having kids. Before, it all seemed so abstract and far away and while I never felt maternal, I assumed I would develop those feelings. But when push came to shove, I realized that I actually might not want kids at all. I hadn't done a bait and switch, I just genuinely thought I didn't want kids.

Fortunately, DH wasn't super gung-ho about kids either and said that he wanted to be with me no matter what and if I didn't want kids, he was ok with that. I know it's not 100% comparable to your situation but just wanted to lend a perspective that it is QUITE possible he sincerely changed his mind.

FWIW, we now have 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Think hard about what you want. What if he did want kids, but then after trying for a while, you found out he was no longer fertile? Would you use a sperm donor or adopt? Would you leave because you want kids and it's a dealbreaker?

This is a totally different situation. That is the crap that life hands you and you deal with it as a couple—whether infertility, cancer, unemployment, etc. Ops situation is about being with someone who, if he didn’t do a deliberate bait and switch, certainly seems immature in the sense that he really doesn’t know himself and did not do the necessary emotional work before getting married. And, if it is that important to the OP, how will she deal with a lifelong marriage to a guy who said he wanted kids, then changed his mind? For me, I think the resentment would probably kill the affection. It is tough enough for couples who cannot have children and want them—but to put yourself/your partner in this situation by choice is different.
While people do have a “change of heart” (and he could change his again) it is unusual to go from definitely wanting kids to definitely not in the span of under two years. I mean, was there no ambivalence at all while OP and her husband here dating and engaged and discussing the issue? Was there ever a point where he—when faced with the prospect of more children—actually thought hard about it? Was he just ignoring any ambivalence? I’d worry about being with someone who could change his mind like that on such an important--perhaps the most important—issue in a marriage. It sounds to me like he didn’t do the necessary emotional work before getting married (perhaps caught up in the fantasy of a new life/wife/family, he ignored what the reality would be like). And if he could change his stance on this, what about other important issues?
As for my advice to the OP—give it 6 months in counseling. Perhaps couples AND individual for him. Or some version of couples counseling where he goes without you at times, so that he can say/explore things that he might be afraid to do so in front of you (especially if during the dating/engagement period, he didn’t allow himself to think, much less say, things that could be distressing to you, like….not being truly sure he wanted more kids). Re-evaluate at 6 months, but I say if he hasn’t changed his mind, and you haven’t changed yours, you need to walk away and build a new life. At 34, you have some time to do it over with someone else, but it is not easy. On a practical note, how are your finances handled? You might want to start thinking about that in case of a split.
I’d also look closely at his relationship with his older children—my husband, who has a kid from his first marriage, turned down many interesting job offers in other places and fought hard for 50/50 custody because he could not bear the thought of not being around his kid. And how he treated his child was important to me in choosing a potential mate—and he is now the father of our child.

Really good analysis and advice!

[Anonymous]

He is not going to change his mind. Go to counseling, whatever. But he gave you his answer.

[Anonymous]

He may not change his mind, and 34 is NOT plenty of time. It took me a year to conceive at 31!

You will never know if your fertility is high or low until you start trying to conceive, and you may regret forever wasting time with this man.

[Anonymous]

Given he recently changed his mind, I'd give counseling a chance. It's possible he is just panicking - and who can blame him really. His first kids are about to go to college. He's about to be "free" and suddenly the thought of staring all over again is scary. But maybe both of you can work through his fears.

Its also possible he was lieing to himself about wanting kids in order to keep you and he won't change his mind back. I think counseling will also help you figure out what you want to do if this happens.

[Anonymous]

Men usually say what they mean. It's the women who convince themselves the man meant something else, or will change his mind, or can be coaxed into what the woman wants.

[Anonymous]

Now that I think about it if I were in your husband's shoes I might have changed my mind too!

Early 40s, children pretty much grown and then starting the whole cycle again. Basically 40 years of dealing with children. Sounds like hell.

[Anonymous]

This opens old wounds. I divorced my first husband because of this by the time the divorce was settled I was much older, had to have another operation regarding my fibroids/cysts that enlarged due to all the stress he gave me; I was bitterly drained. My doctor then told me due to combination of age - 40's and past operations that I would most likely not get pregnant or have a healthy child.

Fast forward I recovered from the painful divorce and I'm married to a wonderful man with 2 children. They are adopted. 2nd husband did not want children either initially but after seeing the pain in my heart about not having kids and failed pregnancies, we now have 2 beautiful kids. I know of one other woman whose husband did not want kids and she stayed with him, the pain in her face and heart is so evident. Depending on how much you want them will make your decision whether to stay or go in your marriage, note, even when I found out I would have a tough time getting pregnant, I left my husband because I could no longer stay with a man who was so selfish and afraid of responsibility and for the sheer fact he knew how much I wanted children; he told me we would have them in order for me to marry him= had made me more angry. I am so glad I made the right, tough decision.

[Anonymous]

This was a deal breaker for a couple I know. Husband wanted a family and wife did not. He told her he would give her one year to think about it or he would divorce her. She thought about it. They had one child and they have been very happy. Her fears about motherhood were just that - fear. It was enough for the husband to have at least one child.

GL OP!

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine decided to stay with her husband despite the fact that he didn't want children. When he turned 50, he had an affair and subsequently divorced my friend. Then he married his mistress and had a child. You can't imagine how my friend felt -- was it that he simply didn't want children with her? Think about what you want, woman!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men usually say what they mean. It's the women who convince themselves the man meant something else, or will change his mind, or can be coaxed into what the woman wants.

Excellent observation, but something many women have to learn for themselves . . .