DH just doesn’t get it (Mother’s Day edition)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your bar for a happy marriage is that your husband understands you implicitly without explanations and discussions... you're going to be continually disappointed, OP.

You cannot realistically ask that of a normal human being. You need to accept that you will often have to defend, persuade, convince your spouse regarding your opinions, needs and wants.

I don't know why you're even complaining. He's complying with your request!!!

Seriously. You're acting quite spoiled.

WTF? Um, no.

Oh, you want a partner who will just agree with everything you say? If the shoe were on the other foot, would you think it normal for a husband to expect this from his wife?

You are not being fair.

Well, for starters, OP is a SAHM, so yes, I think it would be normal for a SAHD to want some uninterrupted time away from his kids if he were home with them all the time. Why do you think that's so weird?

And no, I don't want a partner will who just agree with everything I say, but I do want a partner who respects my wishes. But you do, enjoy litigating every little thing with your spouse.

You are contradicting yourself. You cannot dictate what your spouse is allowed to counter. Clearly OP's husband, like many husbands, doesn't feel confident alone with 3 kids. It's disappointing, but it's nothing surprising. So OP got pushback on the overnight hotel stay, which she could have predicted. What matters is that she got what she wanted.

None of this is surprising to me, PP. I think OP's husband's pushback is entirely reasonable, and it's also normal that he came to accept OP's request.

In fact, none of this warrants a thread. But Mother's Day and Valentine's Day triggers some women to an unholy degree on DCUM. It's interesting, because there isn't that much conflict over who cooks and hosts for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It seems that women on DCUM accept they need to do most of the work for those celebrations. But as soon as their husband doesn't divine what they want to V Day or M Day or they need an explanation... woe to them!

It just doesn't make sense.

Actually, this isn’t how gift-giving and holidays work at all. If someone has a gift you wanted, slams it on the ground, and says sarcastically, “I hope you’re f****** happy,” it has an entirely different meaning than if someone gives you something excitedly and freely in order to celebrate the recipient. And you know that. You’re just out to make OP feel guilty that she’s disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem extremely quick to judge, OP. Your husband is giving you what you want with minimal pushback. Come on. It's like you feel you have an obligation to whine about your husband every Mother's Day, or any time society imposes a made-up event on your family.

There should be ZERO pushback with OP's request. Zero.

I disagree, and I'm a woman with two kids. If a parent wants to spend an overnight away from home, for me that's a big deal. It means that somehow we have not made a home that can accommodate someone's desire for undisturbed peace and quiet. I understand that many young kids can't help being loud and demanding, but I happen to have very quiet and calm children, so this was never a problem for me.

My point is that respectful pushback is always fine. The other adult is entitled to question a request, always. What matters is whether the discussion is calm and rational, and whether reasonable requests are accommodated. In this case, I think OP makes a reasonable request. But I would have questioned the need for a hotel overnight as well.

Her husband's decision to get a sitter for that evening is ridiculous, of course. It shows he just can't handle the kids he has, and THAT'S the part I find disappointing.

This is nonsense. Don’t ask someone what they want as a gift and then “respectfully pushback”. They know what they want. Of course you’re not obligated to give it to them but don’t bother asking if you don’t intend to care.

You are conflating “caring” and “giving people whatever they want.”

No, I'm not. No one wants to negotiate their Mother's Day Gift under the guise of "push back". I'd seriously rather have nothing at all.
But you're also a person who responds with "I happen to have very calm and quiet children" when answering a person who needs a break, so there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your bar for a happy marriage is that your husband understands you implicitly without explanations and discussions... you're going to be continually disappointed, OP.

You cannot realistically ask that of a normal human being. You need to accept that you will often have to defend, persuade, convince your spouse regarding your opinions, needs and wants.

I don't know why you're even complaining. He's complying with your request!!!

Seriously. You're acting quite spoiled.

WTF? Um, no.

Oh, you want a partner who will just agree with everything you say? If the shoe were on the other foot, would you think it normal for a husband to expect this from his wife?

You are not being fair.

Well, for starters, OP is a SAHM, so yes, I think it would be normal for a SAHD to want some uninterrupted time away from his kids if he were home with them all the time. Why do you think that's so weird?

And no, I don't want a partner will who just agree with everything I say, but I do want a partner who respects my wishes. But you do, enjoy litigating every little thing with your spouse.

You are contradicting yourself. You cannot dictate what your spouse is allowed to counter. Clearly OP's husband, like many husbands, doesn't feel confident alone with 3 kids. It's disappointing, but it's nothing surprising. So OP got pushback on the overnight hotel stay, which she could have predicted. What matters is that she got what she wanted.

None of this is surprising to me, PP. I think OP's husband's pushback is entirely reasonable, and it's also normal that he came to accept OP's request.

In fact, none of this warrants a thread. But Mother's Day and Valentine's Day triggers some women to an unholy degree on DCUM. It's interesting, because there isn't that much conflict over who cooks and hosts for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It seems that women on DCUM accept they need to do most of the work for those celebrations. But as soon as their husband doesn't divine what they want to V Day or M Day or they need an explanation... woe to them!

It just doesn't make sense.

Actually, this isn’t how gift-giving and holidays work at all. If someone has a gift you wanted, slams it on the ground, and says sarcastically, “I hope you’re f****** happy,” it has an entirely different meaning than if someone gives you something excitedly and freely in order to celebrate the recipient. And you know that. You’re just out to make OP feel guilty that she’s disappointed.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know enough to keep my mouth shut about it, but I'd feel the same way.

Me too.

Why can’t he spend a few hours doing what you do day in and day out for years? Ridiculous. Maybe a good husband, but seems to view parenting as a side gig (vs a lifestyle).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem extremely quick to judge, OP. Your husband is giving you what you want with minimal pushback. Come on. It's like you feel you have an obligation to whine about your husband every Mother's Day, or any time society imposes a made-up event on your family.

There should be ZERO pushback with OP's request. Zero.

I disagree, and I'm a woman with two kids. If a parent wants to spend an overnight away from home, for me that's a big deal. It means that somehow we have not made a home that can accommodate someone's desire for undisturbed peace and quiet. I understand that many young kids can't help being loud and demanding, but I happen to have very quiet and calm children, so this was never a problem for me.

My point is that respectful pushback is always fine. The other adult is entitled to question a request, always. What matters is whether the discussion is calm and rational, and whether reasonable requests are accommodated. In this case, I think OP makes a reasonable request. But I would have questioned the need for a hotel overnight as well.

Her husband's decision to get a sitter for that evening is ridiculous, of course. It shows he just can't handle the kids he has, and THAT'S the part I find disappointing.

This is nonsense. Don’t ask someone what they want as a gift and then “respectfully pushback”. They know what they want. Of course you’re not obligated to give it to them but don’t bother asking if you don’t intend to care.

You are conflating “caring” and “giving people whatever they want.”

No, I'm not. No one wants to negotiate their Mother's Day Gift under the guise of "push back". I'd seriously rather have nothing at all.
But you're also a person who responds with "I happen to have very calm and quiet children" when answering a person who needs a break, so there's that.

Nope, I'm another poster who disagrees with you.

[Anonymous]

I think women really underestimate the value that men put on sex. Maybe he feels like you saying that you want to be away from him overnight is like saying that you don’t want to have sex with him that night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Toughen up, OP. You are going to be spending a night in the hotel as you want. Who cares if he whined at first?

How you handle conflict and disagreement in a relationship is crucial. Someone jumping to a guilt of "you want to be away from us" is escalating and framing a situation in a toxic manner.

DP Agreed. Two adults with 3 children should be able to resolve this, easily. Things happen. People say things. Couples settle this.

If this is unsettled, OP should consider settling it rather than venting.

It is resolved. OP is still here complaining.

[Anonymous]

Your husband can’t handle his own kids for one night? Yikes.

Stay strong, op, your DH is going to keep griping about this, and hope you change your plans. You won’t. And you will keep positive and thank him profusely for the lovely gift. Take the night with zero guilt. No guilt!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Toughen up, OP. You are going to be spending a night in the hotel as you want. Who cares if he whined at first?

How you handle conflict and disagreement in a relationship is crucial. Someone jumping to a guilt of "you want to be away from us" is escalating and framing a situation in a toxic manner.

She did want to be away from them. And that's okay. She felt badly about that. Not all parents would, honestly. She could have said, I am with the children nearly every moment of my life. I'd like 12 hours of peace and quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think women really underestimate the value that men put on sex. Maybe he feels like you saying that you want to be away from him overnight is like saying that you don’t want to have sex with him that night.

That interpretation would be so much worse. A guy pouting because he doesn't get sex one night for Mother's Day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem extremely quick to judge, OP. Your husband is giving you what you want with minimal pushback. Come on. It's like you feel you have an obligation to whine about your husband every Mother's Day, or any time society imposes a made-up event on your family.

There should be ZERO pushback with OP's request. Zero.

I disagree, and I'm a woman with two kids. If a parent wants to spend an overnight away from home, for me that's a big deal. It means that somehow we have not made a home that can accommodate someone's desire for undisturbed peace and quiet. I understand that many young kids can't help being loud and demanding, but I happen to have very quiet and calm children, so this was never a problem for me.

My point is that respectful pushback is always fine. The other adult is entitled to question a request, always. What matters is whether the discussion is calm and rational, and whether reasonable requests are accommodated. In this case, I think OP makes a reasonable request. But I would have questioned the need for a hotel overnight as well.

Her husband's decision to get a sitter for that evening is ridiculous, of course. It shows he just can't handle the kids he has, and THAT'S the part I find disappointing.

This is nonsense. Don’t ask someone what they want as a gift and then “respectfully pushback”. They know what they want. Of course you’re not obligated to give it to them but don’t bother asking if you don’t intend to care.

You are conflating “caring” and “giving people whatever they want.”

I guess I feel like you should just do whatever your spouse wants like 98% of the time unless there is some kind of direct conflict.
Who wants to live with someone who constantly second guesses everything they say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Toughen up, OP. You are going to be spending a night in the hotel as you want. Who cares if he whined at first?

How you handle conflict and disagreement in a relationship is crucial. Someone jumping to a guilt of "you want to be away from us" is escalating and framing a situation in a toxic manner.

DP Agreed. Two adults with 3 children should be able to resolve this, easily. Things happen. People say things. Couples settle this.

If this is unsettled, OP should consider settling it rather than venting.

It is resolved. OP is still here complaining.

It sounds like the unresolved part is OPs disappointment in him being judgemental.

This of course won't be resolved by complaining here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think women really underestimate the value that men put on sex. Maybe he feels like you saying that you want to be away from him overnight is like saying that you don’t want to have sex with him that night.

That interpretation would be so much worse. A guy pouting because he doesn't get sex one night for Mother's Day?

I guess I was thinking more like a guy who doesn’t have sex very often because he has three little kids but is thinking that they will have sex on a holiday? Or is upset that this isn’t something she wants too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, he gets it. He just doesn’t want to have to deal with 3 kids on his own for a night.

+1

It's pathetic that he cannot manage for one afternoon and evening without a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Toughen up, OP. You are going to be spending a night in the hotel as you want. Who cares if he whined at first?

How you handle conflict and disagreement in a relationship is crucial. Someone jumping to a guilt of "you want to be away from us" is escalating and framing a situation in a toxic manner.

DP Agreed. Two adults with 3 children should be able to resolve this, easily. Things happen. People say things. Couples settle this.

If this is unsettled, OP should consider settling it rather than venting.

It is resolved. OP is still here complaining.

It sounds like the unresolved part is OPs disappointment in him being judgemental.

This of course won't be resolved by complaining here.

Venting and discussing could help OP figure how to articulate her feelings to her husband.