DH just doesn’t get it (Mother’s Day edition)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your bar for a happy marriage is that your husband understands you implicitly without explanations and discussions... you're going to be continually disappointed, OP.

You cannot realistically ask that of a normal human being. You need to accept that you will often have to defend, persuade, convince your spouse regarding your opinions, needs and wants.

I don't know why you're even complaining. He's complying with your request!!!

Seriously. You're acting quite spoiled.

WTF? Um, no.

Oh, you want a partner who will just agree with everything you say? If the shoe were on the other foot, would you think it normal for a husband to expect this from his wife?

You are not being fair.

Well, for starters, OP is a SAHM, so yes, I think it would be normal for a SAHD to want some uninterrupted time away from his kids if he were home with them all the time. Why do you think that's so weird?

And no, I don't want a partner will who just agree with everything I say, but I do want a partner who respects my wishes. But you do, enjoy litigating every little thing with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth does he need a babysitter while you are gone?
Oh right, typical male.

My husband and the dads I know are perfectly capable of taking care of their children alone, and have been since they were born. I can think of ONE dad who cannot, and he's a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s bummed that he has to put in actual effort to give you something you want.

+1

Having his secretary buy you a necklace is a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hiring a babysitter for the night you're gone is very, very odd. He's the father of these children correct?

You both sound very, very odd to me. You sound demanding and he sounds irresponsible.

But you could just be trolling us all. That would make the most sense here.

OP isn't demanding

Not all of us want to be mommy martyrs

[Anonymous]

Your husband can’t manage his kids w out assistance for a night?

Ewww

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem extremely quick to judge, OP. Your husband is giving you what you want with minimal pushback. Come on. It's like you feel you have an obligation to whine about your husband every Mother's Day, or any time society imposes a made-up event on your family.

There should be ZERO pushback with OP's request. Zero.

I disagree, and I'm a woman with two kids. If a parent wants to spend an overnight away from home, for me that's a big deal. It means that somehow we have not made a home that can accommodate someone's desire for undisturbed peace and quiet. I understand that many young kids can't help being loud and demanding, but I happen to have very quiet and calm children, so this was never a problem for me.

My point is that respectful pushback is always fine. The other adult is entitled to question a request, always. What matters is whether the discussion is calm and rational, and whether reasonable requests are accommodated. In this case, I think OP makes a reasonable request. But I would have questioned the need for a hotel overnight as well.

Her husband's decision to get a sitter for that evening is ridiculous, of course. It shows he just can't handle the kids he has, and THAT'S the part I find disappointing.

This is nonsense. Don’t ask someone what they want as a gift and then “respectfully pushback”. They know what they want. Of course you’re not obligated to give it to them but don’t bother asking if you don’t intend to care.

[Anonymous]

Toughen up, OP. You are going to be spending a night in the hotel as you want. Who cares if he whined at first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem extremely quick to judge, OP. Your husband is giving you what you want with minimal pushback. Come on. It's like you feel you have an obligation to whine about your husband every Mother's Day, or any time society imposes a made-up event on your family.

There should be ZERO pushback with OP's request. Zero.

I disagree, and I'm a woman with two kids. If a parent wants to spend an overnight away from home, for me that's a big deal. It means that somehow we have not made a home that can accommodate someone's desire for undisturbed peace and quiet. I understand that many young kids can't help being loud and demanding, but I happen to have very quiet and calm children, so this was never a problem for me.

My point is that respectful pushback is always fine. The other adult is entitled to question a request, always. What matters is whether the discussion is calm and rational, and whether reasonable requests are accommodated. In this case, I think OP makes a reasonable request. But I would have questioned the need for a hotel overnight as well.

Her husband's decision to get a sitter for that evening is ridiculous, of course. It shows he just can't handle the kids he has, and THAT'S the part I find disappointing.

This is nonsense. Don’t ask someone what they want as a gift and then “respectfully pushback”. They know what they want. Of course you’re not obligated to give it to them but don’t bother asking if you don’t intend to care.

You are conflating “caring” and “giving people whatever they want.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your bar for a happy marriage is that your husband understands you implicitly without explanations and discussions... you're going to be continually disappointed, OP.

You cannot realistically ask that of a normal human being. You need to accept that you will often have to defend, persuade, convince your spouse regarding your opinions, needs and wants.

I don't know why you're even complaining. He's complying with your request!!!

Seriously. You're acting quite spoiled.

WTF? Um, no.

Oh, you want a partner who will just agree with everything you say? If the shoe were on the other foot, would you think it normal for a husband to expect this from his wife?

You are not being fair.

Well, for starters, OP is a SAHM, so yes, I think it would be normal for a SAHD to want some uninterrupted time away from his kids if he were home with them all the time. Why do you think that's so weird?

And no, I don't want a partner will who just agree with everything I say, but I do want a partner who respects my wishes. But you do, enjoy litigating every little thing with your spouse.

You are contradicting yourself. You cannot dictate what your spouse is allowed to counter. Clearly OP's husband, like many husbands, doesn't feel confident alone with 3 kids. It's disappointing, but it's nothing surprising. So OP got pushback on the overnight hotel stay, which she could have predicted. What matters is that she got what she wanted.

None of this is surprising to me, PP. I think OP's husband's pushback is entirely reasonable, and it's also normal that he came to accept OP's request.

In fact, none of this warrants a thread. But Mother's Day and Valentine's Day triggers some women to an unholy degree on DCUM. It's interesting, because there isn't that much conflict over who cooks and hosts for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It seems that women on DCUM accept they need to do most of the work for those celebrations. But as soon as their husband doesn't divine what they want to V Day or M Day or they need an explanation... woe to them!

It just doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH asked what I wanted for Mother’s Day. I told him I’d like to go to a local hotel by myself the night before Mother’s Day to get some spa treatments, order room service for dinner, relax, and catch up on sleep. For Mother’s Day itself, I said I wanted to go to brunch with the whole family (DH and our 3 kids) the next morning and spend the rest of the day together, maybe doing something outside if the weather is nice. I told DH that is all I wanted, no need to buy a gift.

DH did NOT seem excited about this plan. He said something like “that’s fine, but I can’t believe you don’t want to spend the day with the family.” This despite the fact that I DO want to spend the day with our family. I just also asked to do my own thing the night before. Also, I’m a SAHM to young kids. I’m spending time with the family all day every day.

Just venting I guess. I’m just disappointed that when I finally asked for what I really wanted (the solo hotel stay instead of gifts), DH was judgmental. He finally agreed to it but insisted on hiring a babysitter for the night that I’m gone - which I am fine with! But there was no need to make me feel bad for asking for what I want.

Do you have a question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH asked what I wanted for Mother’s Day. I told him I’d like to go to a local hotel by myself the night before Mother’s Day to get some spa treatments, order room service for dinner, relax, and catch up on sleep. For Mother’s Day itself, I said I wanted to go to brunch with the whole family (DH and our 3 kids) the next morning and spend the rest of the day together, maybe doing something outside if the weather is nice. I told DH that is all I wanted, no need to buy a gift.

DH did NOT seem excited about this plan. He said something like “that’s fine, but I can’t believe you don’t want to spend the day with the family.” This despite the fact that I DO want to spend the day with our family. I just also asked to do my own thing the night before. Also, I’m a SAHM to young kids. I’m spending time with the family all day every day.

Just venting I guess. I’m just disappointed that when I finally asked for what I really wanted (the solo hotel stay instead of gifts), DH was judgmental. He finally agreed to it but insisted on hiring a babysitter for the night that I’m gone - which I am fine with! But there was no need to make me feel bad for asking for what I want.

Do you have a question?

DP

No. "Just venting I guess."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Toughen up, OP. You are going to be spending a night in the hotel as you want. Who cares if he whined at first?

How you handle conflict and disagreement in a relationship is crucial. Someone jumping to a guilt of "you want to be away from us" is escalating and framing a situation in a toxic manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your bar for a happy marriage is that your husband understands you implicitly without explanations and discussions... you're going to be continually disappointed, OP.

You cannot realistically ask that of a normal human being. You need to accept that you will often have to defend, persuade, convince your spouse regarding your opinions, needs and wants.

I don't know why you're even complaining. He's complying with your request!!!

Seriously. You're acting quite spoiled.

WTF? Um, no.

Oh, you want a partner who will just agree with everything you say? If the shoe were on the other foot, would you think it normal for a husband to expect this from his wife?

You are not being fair.

Well, for starters, OP is a SAHM, so yes, I think it would be normal for a SAHD to want some uninterrupted time away from his kids if he were home with them all the time. Why do you think that's so weird?

And no, I don't want a partner will who just agree with everything I say, but I do want a partner who respects my wishes. But you do, enjoy litigating every little thing with your spouse.

You are contradicting yourself. You cannot dictate what your spouse is allowed to counter. Clearly OP's husband, like many husbands, doesn't feel confident alone with 3 kids. It's disappointing, but it's nothing surprising. So OP got pushback on the overnight hotel stay, which she could have predicted. What matters is that she got what she wanted.

None of this is surprising to me, PP. I think OP's husband's pushback is entirely reasonable, and it's also normal that he came to accept OP's request.

In fact, none of this warrants a thread. But Mother's Day and Valentine's Day triggers some women to an unholy degree on DCUM. It's interesting, because there isn't that much conflict over who cooks and hosts for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It seems that women on DCUM accept they need to do most of the work for those celebrations. But as soon as their husband doesn't divine what they want to V Day or M Day or they need an explanation... woe to them!

It just doesn't make sense.

And Easter. And Christmas.

And any occasion for UMC defining make-work where the importance isn't shared by the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s bummed that he has to put in actual effort to give you something you want.

]

Yes. He was hoping you would be satisfied with grocery store flowers and a gross Giant cake. Zero effort.

YUP. Ever been in a cheap grocery store on Mother's day. Its pitiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Toughen up, OP. You are going to be spending a night in the hotel as you want. Who cares if he whined at first?

How you handle conflict and disagreement in a relationship is crucial. Someone jumping to a guilt of "you want to be away from us" is escalating and framing a situation in a toxic manner.

DP Agreed. Two adults with 3 children should be able to resolve this, easily. Things happen. People say things. Couples settle this.

If this is unsettled, OP should consider settling it rather than venting.