DH just doesn’t get it (Mother’s Day edition)

[Anonymous]

DH asked what I wanted for Mother’s Day. I told him I’d like to go to a local hotel by myself the night before Mother’s Day to get some spa treatments, order room service for dinner, relax, and catch up on sleep. For Mother’s Day itself, I said I wanted to go to brunch with the whole family (DH and our 3 kids) the next morning and spend the rest of the day together, maybe doing something outside if the weather is nice. I told DH that is all I wanted, no need to buy a gift.

DH did NOT seem excited about this plan. He said something like “that’s fine, but I can’t believe you don’t want to spend the day with the family.” This despite the fact that I DO want to spend the day with our family. I just also asked to do my own thing the night before. Also, I’m a SAHM to young kids. I’m spending time with the family all day every day.

Just venting I guess. I’m just disappointed that when I finally asked for what I really wanted (the solo hotel stay instead of gifts), DH was judgmental. He finally agreed to it but insisted on hiring a babysitter for the night that I’m gone - which I am fine with! But there was no need to make me feel bad for asking for what I want.

[Anonymous]

Oh, he gets it. He just doesn’t want to have to deal with 3 kids on his own for a night.

[Anonymous]

You seem extremely quick to judge, OP. Your husband is giving you what you want with minimal pushback. Come on. It's like you feel you have an obligation to whine about your husband every Mother's Day, or any time society imposes a made-up event on your family.

[Anonymous]

He wanted you to pick something he'd like. Hope he comes to the conclusion and gets himself on track soon!

[Anonymous]

I know enough to keep my mouth shut about it, but I'd feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, he gets it. He just doesn’t want to have to deal with 3 kids on his own for a night.

+1

There is absolutely a need for him to make you feel bad about this. Your mom guilt is what keeps him from ever having to watch all three kids solo.

Because the reality is - if you're a SAHM to three little kids, he should be taking those three kids solo for a half day every single freaking weekend so you can have a break, and he's not (obviously, because he can't handle doing it once for a special occasion). But I'm guessing you routinely watch all three kids solo for a decent chunk of time on weekends because he has something he needs to do?

You should call him out on this crap.

[Anonymous]

It's really similar to my kids' (early elementary) reactions. They asked what I wanted and I said I'd love for them to clean their rooms and act really nice towards each other the whole day. They hated that answer. They just wanted something that they could wrap up and hand me. Which I understand, so I told them I wanted a picture of our family that they drew. Sigh.

I remember in 2020 I was SO burnt out from working full time and caring for 3 kids full time that I drove to my mom's house for mother's day and slept the whole weekend. It seems crazy to me now (didn't I want to spend it with my cute kids?!), but the burn out was real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, he gets it. He just doesn’t want to have to deal with 3 kids on his own for a night.

+2

[Anonymous]

I think its GREAT! He basically told you exactly what he wants for Fathers day-an entire day morning-night spent with you and your 3 kids. No need for him to have a break from you all. You presence will be his gift!

You do what you want, and he will get what he wants. Win win.

[Anonymous]

you sound insane.

[Anonymous]

Its so lame he had to hire a sitter. That tells me everything I need to know about why YOU need and deserve a break.

[Anonymous]

Just venting I guess. I’m just disappointed that when I finally asked for what I really wanted (the solo hotel stay instead of gifts), DH was judgmental. He finally agreed to it but insisted on hiring a babysitter for the night that I’m gone - which I am fine with! But there was no need to make me feel bad for asking for what I want.

I would say, resolve this like you both resolved everything else.

But you're just venting.

[Anonymous]

What if he wanted time alone without the kids for his Father's Day? Would you be a little bit bummed due to your own burnout? Would you eventually give in because intellectually you recognize that it's a fair deal? Would you be OK with your husband being unhappy with you because even though you gave in, you still questioned his need?

It's natural for working parents with multiple kids and no help to feel that way. Doesn't mean you need to turn it into a huge deal of "he doesn't get it!" and start questioning the entire foundation of your marriage. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH asked what I wanted for Mother’s Day. I told him I’d like to go to a local hotel by myself the night before Mother’s Day to get some spa treatments, order room service for dinner, relax, and catch up on sleep. For Mother’s Day itself, I said I wanted to go to brunch with the whole family (DH and our 3 kids) the next morning and spend the rest of the day together, maybe doing something outside if the weather is nice. I told DH that is all I wanted, no need to buy a gift.

DH did NOT seem excited about this plan. He said something like “that’s fine, but I can’t believe you don’t want to spend the day with the family.” This despite the fact that I DO want to spend the day with our family. I just also asked to do my own thing the night before. Also, I’m a SAHM to young kids. I’m spending time with the family all day every day.

Just venting I guess. I’m just disappointed that when I finally asked for what I really wanted (the solo hotel stay instead of gifts), DH was judgmental. He finally agreed to it but insisted on hiring a babysitter for the night that I’m gone - which I am fine with! But there was no need to make me feel bad for asking for what I want.

Some of you don’t seem to get that Mother’s Day isn’t something your spouse does for you, it’s when he helps the kids figure out something to do for you. You know, teach them how to give gifts and be grateful for what you do for them. Getting away from them isn’t what they want to give you for Mother’s Day.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a jerk. He is selfish. He doesn’t want you to be happy. The fact that you want to get away from him and spend the night alone speaks volumes. He is probably not a nice person to be around.
Don’t wait until it gets worse. Contact a divorce lawyer.