How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize, clear your schedule, and you stay in their home while he gets a much needed break.

Op here

I responded to ask to discuss when I can come and what's needed and was just told he "doesn't have time to indulge in such nonsense and has no time to keep me updated so I feel involved."

I'm willing to go there. He's unwilling to discuss it or what other time periods would work.

I can respond and say I'll be there while he's away. I really don't see how this can work if he wants to be like this.

Beyond that he basically just wants me to park myself in a hotel and wait for something to be needed.

To the PP, he is not going to offer for me to stay at his home. I was going to ask for a key to my parents apartment to stay there if they aren't there (at the rehab). No idea if he will comply.

Why do you need his permission? They aren't at his home.

[Anonymous]

That was me OP explaining above btw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize, clear your schedule, and you stay in their home while he gets a much needed break.

Op here

I responded to ask to discuss when I can come and what's needed and was just told he "doesn't have time to indulge in such nonsense and has no time to keep me updated so I feel involved."

I'm willing to go there. He's unwilling to discuss it or what other time periods would work.

I can respond and say I'll be there while he's away. I really don't see how this can work if he wants to be like this.

Beyond that he basically just wants me to park myself in a hotel and wait for something to be needed.

To the PP, he is not going to offer for me to stay at his home. I was going to ask for a key to my parents apartment to stay there if they aren't there (at the rehab). No idea if he will comply.

Why do you need his permission? They aren't at his home.

Neither parent has their keys they have been in the hospital. He's the only one with a key. I've never been given one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize, clear your schedule, and you stay in their home while he gets a much needed break.

Op here

I responded to ask to discuss when I can come and what's needed and was just told he "doesn't have time to indulge in such nonsense and has no time to keep me updated so I feel involved."

I'm willing to go there. He's unwilling to discuss it or what other time periods would work.

I can respond and say I'll be there while he's away. I really don't see how this can work if he wants to be like this.

Beyond that he basically just wants me to park myself in a hotel and wait for something to be needed.

To the PP, he is not going to offer for me to stay at his home. I was going to ask for a key to my parents apartment to stay there if they aren't there (at the rehab). No idea if he will comply.

Why do you need his permission? They aren't at his home.

Neither parent has their keys they have been in the hospital. He's the only one with a key. I've never been given one.

Not for the apartment, for a visit. Find a reasonable hotel, airbnb, stay with a friend (it's your former hometown, right?) If you wanted to figure this out you really could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

Op here

My parents are the ones with money. They already have had 24/hour aide coverage set up and managed by me (they paid for it) for the past few years. That plan remains the same when they return to their apartment.

My brother is giving his time, definitely. He's not contributing financially to their care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

Op here

My parents are the ones with money. They already have had 24/hour aide coverage set up and managed by me (they paid for it) for the past few years. That plan remains the same when they return to their apartment.

My brother is giving his time, definitely. He's not contributing financially to their care.

You need to make up your mind. If there is nothing to be done and nobody needs anything from you, what is your problem? Why do you keep harassing your brother about communicating with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

Can't you see that what you had happen was the best it could be with a sibling who doesn't live there. Your brother paid for an aide to help. You needed the help. There was a solution. OP's parents already have an aide. They are not to the point that they are dying. You are making proclamations based on your own no doubt harrowing situation, and I feel for you. But not everyone's situation is the same. I did three crushing years during the height of covid for my dad before he passed. I'm now in the midst with my mom. I feel like I can't go on many days. But my parents wanted my help. No one was pushing me away.

If OP can go now while parents are in rehab to get they lay of the land she might be able to figure out how she can help people who don't like her. This will help her in the future when they actually are to your mother's stage, and my father's and now mother's end of life stages. OP's lucky that she's not being thrown into the deep end immediately. She has time to figure it out, and if you are reading through her lens vs your own, you can see after her initial post she is now opening up and trying to figure it out. Those of us who have been there and/or are there, should try to be more helpful than just bashing people in a very difficult time. I think we can both agree that end of life care is difficult and emotional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

Can't you see that what you had happen was the best it could be with a sibling who doesn't live there. Your brother paid for an aide to help. You needed the help. There was a solution. OP's parents already have an aide. They are not to the point that they are dying. You are making proclamations based on your own no doubt harrowing situation, and I feel for you. But not everyone's situation is the same. I did three crushing years during the height of covid for my dad before he passed. I'm now in the midst with my mom. I feel like I can't go on many days. But my parents wanted my help. No one was pushing me away.

If OP can go now while parents are in rehab to get they lay of the land she might be able to figure out how she can help people who don't like her. This will help her in the future when they actually are to your mother's stage, and my father's and now mother's end of life stages. OP's lucky that she's not being thrown into the deep end immediately. She has time to figure it out, and if you are reading through her lens vs your own, you can see after her initial post she is now opening up and trying to figure it out. Those of us who have been there and/or are there, should try to be more helpful than just bashing people in a very difficult time. I think we can both agree that end of life care is difficult and emotional.

If the people don't like you, they don't want your "help". Nobody needs a micromanager from afar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

Can't you see that what you had happen was the best it could be with a sibling who doesn't live there. Your brother paid for an aide to help. You needed the help. There was a solution. OP's parents already have an aide. They are not to the point that they are dying. You are making proclamations based on your own no doubt harrowing situation, and I feel for you. But not everyone's situation is the same. I did three crushing years during the height of covid for my dad before he passed. I'm now in the midst with my mom. I feel like I can't go on many days. But my parents wanted my help. No one was pushing me away.

If OP can go now while parents are in rehab to get they lay of the land she might be able to figure out how she can help people who don't like her. This will help her in the future when they actually are to your mother's stage, and my father's and now mother's end of life stages. OP's lucky that she's not being thrown into the deep end immediately. She has time to figure it out, and if you are reading through her lens vs your own, you can see after her initial post she is now opening up and trying to figure it out. Those of us who have been there and/or are there, should try to be more helpful than just bashing people in a very difficult time. I think we can both agree that end of life care is difficult and emotional.

If the people don't like you, they don't want your "help". Nobody needs a micromanager from afar.

I think you need to "make up your mind" as to what your assessment is. You want OP to go and help or pay for an aide. They don't need an aide. Basically, you want her to move there. In reality, I think you are lashing out due to your own situation, having little to do with OP's situation. I'm sure these posts cause a degree in PTSD for you. But don't take that out on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

Can't you see that what you had happen was the best it could be with a sibling who doesn't live there. Your brother paid for an aide to help. You needed the help. There was a solution. OP's parents already have an aide. They are not to the point that they are dying. You are making proclamations based on your own no doubt harrowing situation, and I feel for you. But not everyone's situation is the same. I did three crushing years during the height of covid for my dad before he passed. I'm now in the midst with my mom. I feel like I can't go on many days. But my parents wanted my help. No one was pushing me away.

If OP can go now while parents are in rehab to get they lay of the land she might be able to figure out how she can help people who don't like her. This will help her in the future when they actually are to your mother's stage, and my father's and now mother's end of life stages. OP's lucky that she's not being thrown into the deep end immediately. She has time to figure it out, and if you are reading through her lens vs your own, you can see after her initial post she is now opening up and trying to figure it out. Those of us who have been there and/or are there, should try to be more helpful than just bashing people in a very difficult time. I think we can both agree that end of life care is difficult and emotional.

If the people don't like you, they don't want your "help". Nobody needs a micromanager from afar.

I think you need to "make up your mind" as to what your assessment is. You want OP to go and help or pay for an aide. They don't need an aide. Basically, you want her to move there. In reality, I think you are lashing out due to your own situation, having little to do with OP's situation. I'm sure these posts cause a degree in PTSD for you. But don't take that out on OP.

I don't answer to you. If you have had a sibling like this, you know what they are really after. Read the posts again, it's obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

Can't you see that what you had happen was the best it could be with a sibling who doesn't live there. Your brother paid for an aide to help. You needed the help. There was a solution. OP's parents already have an aide. They are not to the point that they are dying. You are making proclamations based on your own no doubt harrowing situation, and I feel for you. But not everyone's situation is the same. I did three crushing years during the height of covid for my dad before he passed. I'm now in the midst with my mom. I feel like I can't go on many days. But my parents wanted my help. No one was pushing me away.

If OP can go now while parents are in rehab to get they lay of the land she might be able to figure out how she can help people who don't like her. This will help her in the future when they actually are to your mother's stage, and my father's and now mother's end of life stages. OP's lucky that she's not being thrown into the deep end immediately. She has time to figure it out, and if you are reading through her lens vs your own, you can see after her initial post she is now opening up and trying to figure it out. Those of us who have been there and/or are there, should try to be more helpful than just bashing people in a very difficult time. I think we can both agree that end of life care is difficult and emotional.

If the people don't like you, they don't want your "help". Nobody needs a micromanager from afar.

I think you need to "make up your mind" as to what your assessment is. You want OP to go and help or pay for an aide. They don't need an aide. Basically, you want her to move there. In reality, I think you are lashing out due to your own situation, having little to do with OP's situation. I'm sure these posts cause a degree in PTSD for you. But don't take that out on OP.

I don't answer to you. If you have had a sibling like this, you know what they are really after. Read the posts again, it's obvious.

Of course, you don't answer to me. I was having a discussion. Whatever the case, my out of state sibling didn't even offer money. So, if you're in a pissing match here, I'd say dealing with 2 parents and no help and no money, I would be winning. And still, I am trying to help OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Dad has dementia that recently increased significantly. He is in a rehab. He keeps trying to leave and having falls bc he doesn't understand where he is. I have suggested multiple times that he should not be at the rehab he needs a safer memory care situation. I'm told I don't get to have a say.

Mom until recently was getting around on her own with a walker. She will need rehab now after bring in the hospital for 2 weeks.

Mom wants to stay in their place and have aides brought in to her. She will not consider a nursing home or assisted living right - but it really is what she needs.

My suggestions are taken with contempt so I stopped.

Your brother needs to let the social worker know he cannot do anything more. Then it's on the social worker to ensure a safe situation. If he bends to their wishes, that's on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

Op here

My parents are the ones with money. They already have had 24/hour aide coverage set up and managed by me (they paid for it) for the past few years. That plan remains the same when they return to their apartment.

My brother is giving his time, definitely. He's not contributing financially to their care.

Is there a care manager who can get things like a PT who does home visits, driver, meals, etc as needed? They can also arrange for home maintenance and even bills management. In other words, your brother does not need to do anything more than visit and check in. he does not have to do any labor. They can get your meds too and set them up in the case. Also, as mentioned, it's on him to make clear to the social worker his concerns about the home and his need to step away completely. If they think there is support they will send the elders home. if there is no support, the social worker has to ensure safety.