Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

OP isn’t trolling. I have interacted with her offline and have counseled the daughter in her job search.

I think OP might not grasp just how different the job environment is right now than it was when most of us entered it 30 years ago, give or take. It’s rough out there.

I truly am sad to hear that OP is a real person. How utterly sad to be raised by such a narcissistic, evil, unloving excrement of a person who should have never had children. It’s obvious OP’s daughter suffered put her emotional and mental abuse as a child from OP and neglect from her father for allowing her mother to treat her this way.

My thoughts and prayers for OP’s daughter is to find a job with benefits that will afford her time to pursue her side passion of poetry and cut all times, permanently, from her birth family. The daughter can build another family once she build up her confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

OP isn’t trolling. I have interacted with her offline and have counseled the daughter in her job search.

I think OP might not grasp just how different the job environment is right now than it was when most of us entered it 30 years ago, give or take. It’s rough out there.

My god her mom is horrible. I assume she’s in counseling but she really needs a coach. I wish I could he her coach and teach her how to shed herself of all that her mom has put on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster.
I think it’s best for you guys to take a break from each other.
There’s no guarantee that a kid and their parents will like each other. It is ok to be apart as adults. Not everything is someone’s fault - be it a parent or a child- sometimes people just aren’t compatible and they happen to be related.
I would help her with a used car as having a car helps with employment, but after that I’d just distance myself.

We have fought about this a lot. No, she is NOT entitled to car. FFS, if she wants a car, she can get a job that pays enough to buy one. Relying on your parents to buy a car as a 24 year old while you're UNEMPLOYED is ridiculous.

DP, but I’m going to have to disagree on this with you, OP.
Assuming you had a hand in bringing this child into the world, you are responsible for helping them launch, commensurate with your financial ability, without strings attached. The unfortunate fact is, unless your DD lives in NYC or a very limited number of other locations where it is truly possible to live without a car, she needs a car to get to work. Get her a decent used car. We are doing this for both of our kids. The worst thing is to start them off in debt.

You are way too controlling and your daughter is 100% correct about the church attendance thing (and I am a churchgoer)

Stop harping on her weight, it is her business.

The job market sucks right now and new college grads are facing record unemployment rates. This is not DDs fault. It is not the English major that is the problem.
I majored in art. I managed to find employment, though it was not at all a straight path to financial success. I eventually got a corporate job and worked my way up and now highly successful in a totally different field you would never imagine an art major being successful, without ever getting any advanced degrees or certifications. Learned on the job. There’s plenty of hope for your DD but YOU need to become less of a horrible person, if you are even real.

[Anonymous]

If you want her to launch (and she really is mostly launched: she's not home and not depending on you much financially) then why not make that easier with a car and some emotional support? You can say you love someone but if your words and actions say the opposite then they are not going to feel that at all and of course the relationship will suffer. Would you want to be around someone making you feel like your normal (!!!) weight is a problem and your personality is a problem?

As a career option, I'd reach out to a private school staff recruiting agency: It's a great way to start saving bc even though salaries are low, having free room and board helps you save significantly. The SLAC aspect is a big plus.

[Anonymous]

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

OP isn’t trolling. I have interacted with her offline and have counseled the daughter in her job search.

I think OP might not grasp just how different the job environment is right now than it was when most of us entered it 30 years ago, give or take. It’s rough out there.

I truly am sad to hear that OP is a real person. How utterly sad to be raised by such a narcissistic, evil, unloving excrement of a person who should have never had children. It’s obvious OP’s daughter suffered put her emotional and mental abuse as a child from OP and neglect from her father for allowing her mother to treat her this way.

My thoughts and prayers for OP’s daughter is to find a job with benefits that will afford her time to pursue her side passion of poetry and cut all times, permanently, from her birth family. The daughter can build another family once she build up her confidence.

OP here. Insults like this are not helpful, kind, nor productive. At all. Whatsoever.

To all of you posters out there claiming that I hate my daughter or that I'm a horrible person -- you simply would not be saying this if you knew me in real life and have seen me interact with my kids.

STOP IT. Right now. The insults end here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

OP isn’t trolling. I have interacted with her offline and have counseled the daughter in her job search.

I think OP might not grasp just how different the job environment is right now than it was when most of us entered it 30 years ago, give or take. It’s rough out there.

OP here. Yes, this is the poster from the other thread and I can confirm that PP and my daughter have Zoomed before to brainstorm job strategies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you have a good relationship with your own parents? Is she your daughter or step-daughter? Does anyone in your family suffer from depression, anxiety or mental illness?

My relationship with my own parents is excellent, and they were much stricter than DH and I. DD is my biological daughter (DH and I are married and have never been divorced). No one else in the family suffers from mental health issues or has such drama surrounding them. It's literally JUST her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster.
I think it’s best for you guys to take a break from each other.
There’s no guarantee that a kid and their parents will like each other. It is ok to be apart as adults. Not everything is someone’s fault - be it a parent or a child- sometimes people just aren’t compatible and they happen to be related.
I would help her with a used car as having a car helps with employment, but after that I’d just distance myself.

We have fought about this a lot. No, she is NOT entitled to car. FFS, if she wants a car, she can get a job that pays enough to buy one. Relying on your parents to buy a car as a 24 year old while you're UNEMPLOYED is ridiculous.

DP, but I’m going to have to disagree on this with you, OP.
Assuming you had a hand in bringing this child into the world, you are responsible for helping them launch, commensurate with your financial ability, without strings attached. The unfortunate fact is, unless your DD lives in NYC or a very limited number of other locations where it is truly possible to live without a car, she needs a car to get to work. Get her a decent used car. We are doing this for both of our kids. The worst thing is to start them off in debt.

You are way too controlling and your daughter is 100% correct about the church attendance thing (and I am a churchgoer)

Stop harping on her weight, it is her business.

The job market sucks right now and new college grads are facing record unemployment rates. This is not DDs fault. It is not the English major that is the problem.
I majored in art. I managed to find employment, though it was not at all a straight path to financial success. I eventually got a corporate job and worked my way up and now highly successful in a totally different field you would never imagine an art major being successful, without ever getting any advanced degrees or certifications. Learned on the job. There’s plenty of hope for your DD but YOU need to become less of a horrible person, if you are even real.

Nope. That's not how it works. She doesn't get a car. She's on her own for that. And DH and I make a HHI of ~$600k/year combined. So we can definitely afford a car for her. We just don't want to enable her antics.

[Anonymous]

I get it. It’s hard to see a kid just loafing around. I would make sure you’re having conversations that don’t revolve around her finances or job. Make sure you’re transitioning to being her friend and not her parent.

It’s still hard for me to look back and see how my own parents treated me after college though. I got a federal government job right out of college (it was in my dream field!) and my parents were SO disappointed. They thought the pay was ridiculously low. But they wouldn’t help pay for grad school so I didn’t have many options. They refused to let me live at home for the 2 months between graduation and when my job started because I was “jobless”. My background check was still clearing though and work wouldn’t let me start. For Christmas that year, I spent it with my future in-laws and boyfriend because my parents wouldn’t help with a plane ticket. “Poor people don’t get to come home for Christmas” were their exact words.

Joke is on them though. My younger sibling completely failed to launch and my parents pay for everything for that sibling, including Christmas plane tickets.

I love my parents now and talk to them daily, but it still stings how I was treated when I was broke.

[Anonymous]

DD BMI is 25. If she was 1 pound lighter it would be less. OP has body image issues. Maybe she is a "dry drunk" foodwise. Unrecovered people with eating disorders are very dogmatic and controlling.

[Anonymous]

A BMI of 25 is not an impediment to a young woman getting a job unless OP wants her to be a pole dancer or hired for her looks.

OP why not send DD to Canyon Ranch or something for a year maybe she will drop 5 pounds. Guess not, huh.

Please tell us your role model height and weight at her age and now.

[Anonymous]

What makes it clear OP is a pathetic person is she/he/they keep coming back with new threads trying to justify their role and then getting all "Stop it!" When she gets clap back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

OP isn’t trolling. I have interacted with her offline and have counseled the daughter in her job search.

I think OP might not grasp just how different the job environment is right now than it was when most of us entered it 30 years ago, give or take. It’s rough out there.

I truly am sad to hear that OP is a real person. How utterly sad to be raised by such a narcissistic, evil, unloving excrement of a person who should have never had children. It’s obvious OP’s daughter suffered put her emotional and mental abuse as a child from OP and neglect from her father for allowing her mother to treat her this way.

My thoughts and prayers for OP’s daughter is to find a job with benefits that will afford her time to pursue her side passion of poetry and cut all times, permanently, from her birth family. The daughter can build another family once she build up her confidence.

OP here. Insults like this are not helpful, kind, nor productive. At all. Whatsoever.

To all of you posters out there claiming that I hate my daughter or that I'm a horrible person -- you simply would not be saying this if you knew me in real life and have seen me interact with my kids.

STOP IT. Right now. The insults end here.

OP you came here you went on social media you are a sick individual that should have never had kids.

Take your church crap and shove it.

As for the weight comments who the hell do you think you are fool?

Your DD needs to get very far away from you and your church filled with idiots.

[Anonymous]

HOLY MARY

OP, I am just reading your threads and I have to say YOU and DH are the problem. You should get into therapy immediately and try to understand how deeply hostile you are to your child, and whether you can learn a different way to relate if she is ever open to that.

Most of us who give our ACs money in college have some conditions. But you can't control your ACs spiritual belief. As a Christian mother maybe you should reflect on why your daughter doesn't believe. What you are modeling is hate and rigidity and it's not Jesus following at all. I can completely understand why she doesn't want to go to church or go to your church. But no matter what, you can't force it. Accepting Jesus and following him is a choice that must be made freely. Having your rear in the pew is meaningless.

You are making 600k and refusing to help with a USED car? The bootstrap mentality was always a bit of a ruse but it's really dead non. She's not asking for full support so she can try to be an influencer. It's a used car that you can well afford.

Let's go back in time. Instead of telling her not to pursue English why didn't you say something like, if you follow your passion that's great. But you need to be thinking about how you will make that pay you in the future. Some degrees are a pipeline to a salary, others aren't. Let me know if you want to brainstorm about this. Talk to your mentors.

The way you talk about her body is appalling. Without the other posters corroborating I would never believe you are real. Bluntly, you have done everything wrong and it would take pages and pages to dissect this.

Buy her a used car, tell her you don't really understand but know there is something wrong with you, and that you are going to therapy.