Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

OP isn’t trolling. I have interacted with her offline and have counseled the daughter in her job search.

I think OP might not grasp just how different the job environment is right now than it was when most of us entered it 30 years ago, give or take. It’s rough out there.

I truly am sad to hear that OP is a real person. How utterly sad to be raised by such a narcissistic, evil, unloving excrement of a person who should have never had children. It’s obvious OP’s daughter suffered put her emotional and mental abuse as a child from OP and neglect from her father for allowing her mother to treat her this way.

My thoughts and prayers for OP’s daughter is to find a job with benefits that will afford her time to pursue her side passion of poetry and cut all times, permanently, from her birth family. The daughter can build another family once she build up her confidence.

OP here. Insults like this are not helpful, kind, nor productive. At all. Whatsoever.

To all of you posters out there claiming that I hate my daughter or that I'm a horrible person -- you simply would not be saying this if you knew me in real life and have seen me interact with my kids.

STOP IT. Right now. The insults end here.

No they don’t. You SUCK op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster.
I think it’s best for you guys to take a break from each other.
There’s no guarantee that a kid and their parents will like each other. It is ok to be apart as adults. Not everything is someone’s fault - be it a parent or a child- sometimes people just aren’t compatible and they happen to be related.
I would help her with a used car as having a car helps with employment, but after that I’d just distance myself.

We have fought about this a lot. No, she is NOT entitled to car. FFS, if she wants a car, she can get a job that pays enough to buy one. Relying on your parents to buy a car as a 24 year old while you're UNEMPLOYED is ridiculous.

DP, but I’m going to have to disagree on this with you, OP.
Assuming you had a hand in bringing this child into the world, you are responsible for helping them launch, commensurate with your financial ability, without strings attached. The unfortunate fact is, unless your DD lives in NYC or a very limited number of other locations where it is truly possible to live without a car, she needs a car to get to work. Get her a decent used car. We are doing this for both of our kids. The worst thing is to start them off in debt.

You are way too controlling and your daughter is 100% correct about the church attendance thing (and I am a churchgoer)

Stop harping on her weight, it is her business.

The job market sucks right now and new college grads are facing record unemployment rates. This is not DDs fault. It is not the English major that is the problem.
I majored in art. I managed to find employment, though it was not at all a straight path to financial success. I eventually got a corporate job and worked my way up and now highly successful in a totally different field you would never imagine an art major being successful, without ever getting any advanced degrees or certifications. Learned on the job. There’s plenty of hope for your DD but YOU need to become less of a horrible person, if you are even real.

Nope. That's not how it works. She doesn't get a car. She's on her own for that. And DH and I make a HHI of ~$600k/year combined. So we can definitely afford a car for her. We just don't want to enable her antics.

Wow.

Enable her antics? You sound really emotionally immature if that’s how you describe your daughter’s use of your Amazon account to buy shampoo when she is in a tough spot.

So you can easily afford to help her…. You are just choosing not to because you probably think you are “principled” but you really are just a horrible broken person.
I can’t imagine how I would feel if my parents were like that. My parents were far less affluent than you. They could not give me everything but they did what they could. Your daughter must feel very unloved.
You reap what you sow, OP.
I really hope your DD gets a job and cuts you off forever because you don’t deserve a relationship with her.

I don’t know why you keep coming here. DCUM is rarely united in opinion, but the opinion on you is pretty unanimous. So if you don’t like what we are telling you, why bother?

Either help her or don’t. Your choice. You seem to enjoy the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you have a good relationship with your own parents? Is she your daughter or step-daughter? Does anyone in your family suffer from depression, anxiety or mental illness?

My relationship with my own parents is excellent, and they were much stricter than DH and I. DD is my biological daughter (DH and I are married and have never been divorced). No one else in the family suffers from mental health issues or has such drama surrounding them. It's literally JUST her.

Lololololol.
lol.

[Anonymous]

I hope the PP who is in touch with OP’s daughter can pass on all of our sympathy and help her succeed.

OP there’s nothing to say to you. She’s not going to maintain contact with you if she has any other option. I hope you end up feeling it was all worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

OP isn’t trolling. I have interacted with her offline and have counseled the daughter in her job search.

I think OP might not grasp just how different the job environment is right now than it was when most of us entered it 30 years ago, give or take. It’s rough out there.

I truly am sad to hear that OP is a real person. How utterly sad to be raised by such a narcissistic, evil, unloving excrement of a person who should have never had children. It’s obvious OP’s daughter suffered put her emotional and mental abuse as a child from OP and neglect from her father for allowing her mother to treat her this way.

My thoughts and prayers for OP’s daughter is to find a job with benefits that will afford her time to pursue her side passion of poetry and cut all times, permanently, from her birth family. The daughter can build another family once she build up her confidence.

OP here. Insults like this are not helpful, kind, nor productive. At all. Whatsoever.

To all of you posters out there claiming that I hate my daughter or that I'm a horrible person -- you simply would not be saying this if you knew me in real life and have seen me interact with my kids.

STOP IT. Right now. The insults end here.

You have described how you interact with your kid in great detail and it's awful. The response above shows how controlling and unable to consider other points of view you are. SO many people are telling you the same thing, in a place where we mostly fight. This should be a giant red flag to you that you are the one with a problem. People are not insulting you, they are telling you that you have massively screwed up and need to make changes IF you don't want to lose your daughter forever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

OP isn’t trolling. I have interacted with her offline and have counseled the daughter in her job search.

I think OP might not grasp just how different the job environment is right now than it was when most of us entered it 30 years ago, give or take. It’s rough out there.

I truly am sad to hear that OP is a real person. How utterly sad to be raised by such a narcissistic, evil, unloving excrement of a person who should have never had children. It’s obvious OP’s daughter suffered put her emotional and mental abuse as a child from OP and neglect from her father for allowing her mother to treat her this way.

My thoughts and prayers for OP’s daughter is to find a job with benefits that will afford her time to pursue her side passion of poetry and cut all times, permanently, from her birth family. The daughter can build another family once she build up her confidence.

OP here. Insults like this are not helpful, kind, nor productive. At all. Whatsoever.

To all of you posters out there claiming that I hate my daughter or that I'm a horrible person -- you simply would not be saying this if you knew me in real life and have seen me interact with my kids.

STOP IT. Right now. The insults end here.

You have described how you interact with your kid in great detail and it's awful. The response above shows how controlling and unable to consider other points of view you are. SO many people are telling you the same thing, in a place where we mostly fight. This should be a giant red flag to you that you are the one with a problem. People are not insulting you, they are telling you that you have massively screwed up and need to make changes IF you don't want to lose your daughter forever

She also has odd delusions of grandeur withe the “Stop it right now” comments in each of these threads. I really thought she was a troll because the vast majority of even very out of touch posters realize that people can and do say what they want on the internet and don’t order people around. It’s very bizarre. I am genuinely curious if she thinks anyone is going to read that and say “oh, this OP doesn’t want me to keep telling her how terrible I think she is, I guess I’ll hold back.” Interesting stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster.
I think it’s best for you guys to take a break from each other.
There’s no guarantee that a kid and their parents will like each other. It is ok to be apart as adults. Not everything is someone’s fault - be it a parent or a child- sometimes people just aren’t compatible and they happen to be related.
I would help her with a used car as having a car helps with employment, but after that I’d just distance myself.

We have fought about this a lot. No, she is NOT entitled to car. FFS, if she wants a car, she can get a job that pays enough to buy one. Relying on your parents to buy a car as a 24 year old while you're UNEMPLOYED is ridiculous.

DP, but I’m going to have to disagree on this with you, OP.
Assuming you had a hand in bringing this child into the world, you are responsible for helping them launch, commensurate with your financial ability, without strings attached. The unfortunate fact is, unless your DD lives in NYC or a very limited number of other locations where it is truly possible to live without a car, she needs a car to get to work. Get her a decent used car. We are doing this for both of our kids. The worst thing is to start them off in debt.

You are way too controlling and your daughter is 100% correct about the church attendance thing (and I am a churchgoer)

Stop harping on her weight, it is her business.

The job market sucks right now and new college grads are facing record unemployment rates. This is not DDs fault. It is not the English major that is the problem.
I majored in art. I managed to find employment, though it was not at all a straight path to financial success. I eventually got a corporate job and worked my way up and now highly successful in a totally different field you would never imagine an art major being successful, without ever getting any advanced degrees or certifications. Learned on the job. There’s plenty of hope for your DD but YOU need to become less of a horrible person, if you are even real.

Nope. That's not how it works. She doesn't get a car. She's on her own for that. And DH and I make a HHI of ~$600k/year combined. So we can definitely afford a car for her. We just don't want to enable her antics.

Open a small business for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The job market is crap right now. Nine months isn’t that long, and way too soon to be thinking about going directly back to school.

+1 and it has absolutley nothing to do with being an English major.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope the PP who is in touch with OP’s daughter can pass on all of our sympathy and help her succeed.

OP there’s nothing to say to you. She’s not going to maintain contact with you if she has any other option. I hope you end up feeling it was all worth it.

That's me.

Honestly, I'm not telling her anything about this place. I'm not sure that would be beneficial to the situation and I wouldn't want her to stumble on these threads.

My focus is on trying to encourage her in her job search. I'm trying to lift her up a little and show her a little empathy. I'm also subtly trying to explain a parent's perspective so she can see things through the lens of OP (on the financial stuff -- I'm not getting into the obvious personality conflict). I have kids her age, so I'm used to talking to this age group.

But I'm only doing as much as she asks. She e-mails me once in a while asking to talk or strategize about an upcoming interview. I try to give her some pointers, including to take the in-person opportunity rather than Zoom invitation as it looks more determined, etc. Coach her on how to answer questions confidently, etc. Basic stuff, really.

It's definitely hard out there for recent grads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope the PP who is in touch with OP’s daughter can pass on all of our sympathy and help her succeed.

OP there’s nothing to say to you. She’s not going to maintain contact with you if she has any other option. I hope you end up feeling it was all worth it.

That's me.

Honestly, I'm not telling her anything about this place. I'm not sure that would be beneficial to the situation and I wouldn't want her to stumble on these threads.

My focus is on trying to encourage her in her job search. I'm trying to lift her up a little and show her a little empathy. I'm also subtly trying to explain a parent's perspective so she can see things through the lens of OP (on the financial stuff -- I'm not getting into the obvious personality conflict). I have kids her age, so I'm used to talking to this age group.

But I'm only doing as much as she asks. She e-mails me once in a while asking to talk or strategize about an upcoming interview. I try to give her some pointers, including to take the in-person opportunity rather than Zoom invitation as it looks more determined, etc. Coach her on how to answer questions confidently, etc. Basic stuff, really.

It's definitely hard out there for recent grads.

You sound really nice. I am glad you are helping her. I saw in the other thread tha the brother helped her make other plans for the holiday break, nice to see he’s looking out for her a little. I hope to not have to support my kids but the idea that anyone is out there calling their own child “extremely unlikable “ just breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

My parents don’t make near what op makes but even right in my 40s if I called them up and said I was having trouble buying basic necessities they would help me. This thread is wild. What does op hate her daughter so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents don’t make near what op makes but even right in my 40s if I called them up and said I was having trouble buying basic necessities they would help me. This thread is wild. What does op hate her daughter so much?

I do NOT hate my daughter. I think it's pathetic of her to rely on me and DH to buy basics like shampoo for her, and I told her that her poor decision making capabilities (majoring in English at Oberlin when she started college at HYPS and was a STEM major) would lead her to being underemployed. I told her when she was in school that DH and I wouldn't give her a SINGLE CENT after she graduated. We explicitly made it clear that we would NOT help her buy a used car after she graduated and that she was free to buy a car herself with car loans if she wanted a car but couldn't save up for one (which we knew would happen because she has a BA in a useless field).

We told her that she HAD to double major in a practical field because we knew she would end up in a position where she couldn't support herself with a BA in English. But of course, she wouldn't listen.

Oh and BTW PP, I think any adult who needs to rely on the bank of mom and dad to buy things like toiletries is, to put it simply, pathetic.

[Anonymous]

My kid went to a liberal arts college and has two good friends (both women) who have BAs in English and both are gainfully employed and self supporting. One is working in PR and another in corporate comms. One is overweight. Your assumptions are so off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to assume all is true and try to be helpful. Parenting girls can be hard. Keep in mind the goal is to launch and maintain a relationship. So to that end, you need to really evaluate the comments to DD to make sure they are constructive and not mean. And don’t be baited by her comments. Nothing about her weight is constructive. At her age, it’s her business. Provide guidance and assistance in getting job or going to grad school. Talk to her about where she wants to get to and what possible paths get her there. There is no point readdressing her college major, what’s done is fine. If you find jointly find a path and you have the means, it’s okay to provide financial support on the path towards the goal. Like a certification or interview clothes. You must get out of the toxic interaction. I get it that it is frustrating, you provide all the opportunities and you daughters seems to waste them. But she is young and there is time for her to turn it around. But that turnaround will not come from you degrading her. You must acknowledge that and change your behavior too. I agree with not enabling her financially, she has to live the life she built for herself. But if you can be part of getting her to define goal and path to he goal that is invaluable. But nothing about past and nothing about about weight!

OP here. This is what I struggle with the most! She just absolutely REFUSES to accept the consequences of her (poor!) choices and tries to pull off insane shit like hacking into my Amazon Prime account because *surprise surprise*, a BA in English from a liberal arts college doesn't lead to steady employment.

Oh, and her goal and ultimate "path" in life that she wants for herself is to publish insane poetry about her "childhood trauma."

This has got to be a troll. And, by the way, English majors are very hireable as they know how to write and communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to assume all is true and try to be helpful. Parenting girls can be hard. Keep in mind the goal is to launch and maintain a relationship. So to that end, you need to really evaluate the comments to DD to make sure they are constructive and not mean. And don’t be baited by her comments. Nothing about her weight is constructive. At her age, it’s her business. Provide guidance and assistance in getting job or going to grad school. Talk to her about where she wants to get to and what possible paths get her there. There is no point readdressing her college major, what’s done is fine. If you find jointly find a path and you have the means, it’s okay to provide financial support on the path towards the goal. Like a certification or interview clothes. You must get out of the toxic interaction. I get it that it is frustrating, you provide all the opportunities and you daughters seems to waste them. But she is young and there is time for her to turn it around. But that turnaround will not come from you degrading her. You must acknowledge that and change your behavior too. I agree with not enabling her financially, she has to live the life she built for herself. But if you can be part of getting her to define goal and path to he goal that is invaluable. But nothing about past and nothing about about weight!

OP here. This is what I struggle with the most! She just absolutely REFUSES to accept the consequences of her (poor!) choices and tries to pull off insane shit like hacking into my Amazon Prime account because *surprise surprise*, a BA in English from a liberal arts college doesn't lead to steady employment.

Oh, and her goal and ultimate "path" in life that she wants for herself is to publish insane poetry about her "childhood trauma."

This has got to be a troll. And, by the way, English majors are very hireable as they know how to write and communicate.

Maybe English majors overall are very hirable, but my daughter is not. Her immaturity, entitlement, and annoying personality are VERY evident to any interviewer.