Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

[Anonymous]

OP do you have a good relationship with your own parents? Is she your daughter or step-daughter? Does anyone in your family suffer from depression, anxiety or mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Nope. Haven’t dealt w this. Good for you and your husband for refusing to fund her non employed lifestyle.

Pray she stays wherever she lives and finds her way. Also, if she keeps talking that control foolery - change your will to include less for her.

Stay strong. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If you feel this way about her and you’re still giving her money and/or offering to pay for another degree, I feel like that maybe that IS financial abuse. Just close the door and cut the strings. Maybe she sucks and will flounder, but that can’t be worse than being dependent on parents who think so little of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I'm the OP of the "Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me" thread. My daughter (now 24) graduated from a liberal arts college full of entitled students (think Oberlin/Wesleyan-type school) with a BA in English when we encouraged her to major in something more lucrative. So now, of course, she's unemployed and blaming us for all of her problems, both with mental health and with being unemployed. She doesn't live with us, thankfully -- she lives in a medium COL city in a different part of the country with a college friend.

She wouldn't visit us over the holidays because she's convinced that DH and I were "controlling her financially all throughout college by making college funding contingent on me attending church when I don't believe in God" and that we "only know how to control her financially and don't have any real relationship with your only daughter except for one that consists of financial control" and that we've "ruined her with generational trauma" and all this ridiculous psychobabble that she unfortunately has picked up from her therapist (who is convinced, wrongly, that we're the root of all of her problems, but I digress).

Keep in mind that my daughter is extremely unlikable, entitled, and irritating. She's never been in a relationship in her life, because she has an EXTREMELY unlikeable personality and is borderline overweight (she's 5'6' and 155 lbs, which is unhealthy at her age). She's been unemployed and "searching for a job" since she graduated from college in May.

I emphasized to her that maybe 9 months of "searching for a job" has shown that her strategy has been ineffective, and she needs to go back to school for a more lucrative degree than her BA in English if she wants a chance of getting a normal office job. But she REFUSES, because she's entitled, delusional, and extremely narcissistic.

And she keeps begging me and DH for money (we refuse) or to help her financially to buy a used car (we also refuse).

Has anyone else dealt with this? TIA!

Who is paying for this grad school degree, you or your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her weight and major are not impacting her inability to find a job. I am an obese English major who has never had a problem finding a job in corporate America. Sounds like that isn’t the type of job she wants. Have you tried talking to her about what she actually wants to do? You need to get yourself in order if you want any kind of future relationship with her.

Are you a man? I can't imagine a young woman being successful in a similar position.

This has to be a troll. No way a normal person thinks like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Ok you are definitely a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

Honestly I have a parent as such.

[Anonymous]

Making her attend church services - that's weird and on you OP

Psychobabble - insufferable and on DD and her therapist

Everything else is on your DD - grow up!

[Anonymous]

OP is a troll, but if you have a parent as such, best is to stay away from one another. I moved to another continent at 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to assume all is true and try to be helpful. Parenting girls can be hard. Keep in mind the goal is to launch and maintain a relationship. So to that end, you need to really evaluate the comments to DD to make sure they are constructive and not mean. And don’t be baited by her comments. Nothing about her weight is constructive. At her age, it’s her business. Provide guidance and assistance in getting job or going to grad school. Talk to her about where she wants to get to and what possible paths get her there. There is no point readdressing her college major, what’s done is fine. If you find jointly find a path and you have the means, it’s okay to provide financial support on the path towards the goal. Like a certification or interview clothes. You must get out of the toxic interaction. I get it that it is frustrating, you provide all the opportunities and you daughters seems to waste them. But she is young and there is time for her to turn it around. But that turnaround will not come from you degrading her. You must acknowledge that and change your behavior too. I agree with not enabling her financially, she has to live the life she built for herself. But if you can be part of getting her to define goal and path to he goal that is invaluable. But nothing about past and nothing about about weight!

I disagree that what OP posted is financially enabling her daughter. Who are you people. The daughter was working and paying her own rent. Hopefully she will find another job in this shrinking job market, it’s been very difficult for young people to obtain meaningful employment with or without a college education. OP complaining about her daughter taking money to buy basic personal necessities such as toilet paper and deodorant is mind blowing, and call this financial enabling. Heck I would help a homeless woman obtain these necessities, and not consider that anything. I don’t understand this mentality, and I pray I never will. If OP is real, her daughter is asking for the bare minimum in support, and OP is unwilling to some people should have never had children. They are just that bad at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to assume all is true and try to be helpful. Parenting girls can be hard. Keep in mind the goal is to launch and maintain a relationship. So to that end, you need to really evaluate the comments to DD to make sure they are constructive and not mean. And don’t be baited by her comments. Nothing about her weight is constructive. At her age, it’s her business. Provide guidance and assistance in getting job or going to grad school. Talk to her about where she wants to get to and what possible paths get her there. There is no point readdressing her college major, what’s done is fine. If you find jointly find a path and you have the means, it’s okay to provide financial support on the path towards the goal. Like a certification or interview clothes. You must get out of the toxic interaction. I get it that it is frustrating, you provide all the opportunities and you daughters seems to waste them. But she is young and there is time for her to turn it around. But that turnaround will not come from you degrading her. You must acknowledge that and change your behavior too. I agree with not enabling her financially, she has to live the life she built for herself. But if you can be part of getting her to define goal and path to he goal that is invaluable. But nothing about past and nothing about about weight!

OP here. This is what I struggle with the most! She just absolutely REFUSES to accept the consequences of her (poor!) choices and tries to pull off insane shit like hacking into my Amazon Prime account because *surprise surprise*, a BA in English from a liberal arts college doesn't lead to steady employment.

Oh, and her goal and ultimate "path" in life that she wants for herself is to publish insane poetry about her "childhood trauma."

Maya Angelou was worth approximately 10 million dollars when she died. She was a great poet who started her poetry about her traumatic childhood experiences. History is full of great poets

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster.
I think it’s best for you guys to take a break from each other.
There’s no guarantee that a kid and their parents will like each other. It is ok to be apart as adults. Not everything is someone’s fault - be it a parent or a child- sometimes people just aren’t compatible and they happen to be related.
I would help her with a used car as having a car helps with employment, but after that I’d just distance myself.

We have fought about this a lot. No, she is NOT entitled to car. FFS, if she wants a car, she can get a job that pays enough to buy one. Relying on your parents to buy a car as a 24 year old while you're UNEMPLOYED is ridiculous.

It’s only ridiculous if you cannot afford it. Just say you cannot afford it and stop blaming everything on your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Okay everyone, this OP is trolling the frack out of us. What half-way decent person, no less parent, would eviscerate a love one for their financial inability to buy shampoo, soap, and tampons. OP is a troll.

OP isn’t trolling. I have interacted with her offline and have counseled the daughter in her job search.

I think OP might not grasp just how different the job environment is right now than it was when most of us entered it 30 years ago, give or take. It’s rough out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of chubby people are in relationships. Being overweight doesn't mean a person is unattractive. Also, you requiring a legal adult to attend weekly church in order to get their education paid for IS manipulation. It's religious abuse.

Honestly, it sounds like you don't like your daughter at all. So why do you care if she dislikes you?

1. No, it's not abuse.

2. Because she keeps stealing from us!

You are definitely “Mommy Dearest”.