Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her with the Americorps job. That’s a great opportunity and can lead to preferential hiring later. This doesn’t mean you give her $10k all at once

OP here. Could you expand more on this? I've read online that Peace Corps gives NCE (or preferential hiring) for government jobs, is this true for AmeriCorps?

I have a VERY difficult time believing that a job that pays $12/hr is a "great opportunity."

i'm intrigued why you think pay correlates to great opportunity? you said similar when i referenced my NIH position (a very competitive/prestigious position that pays horrible... yes went on to a very prestigious doctorate from an ivy and everyone else went to get their md or phd too...)

very normal to have a low paying job post college until you're going into like CS or accounting, both of which will likely be replaced by AI so not so great opportunities anymore anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

genuinely curious what part of this was insulting?

Sorry, I wasn't referring to your comment as insulting (it's not). Many of the other comments here are calling me a cruel and unloving mother -- now that's an insult if I've ever read one...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her with the Americorps job. That’s a great opportunity and can lead to preferential hiring later. This doesn’t mean you give her $10k all at once

OP here. Could you expand more on this? I've read online that Peace Corps gives NCE (or preferential hiring) for government jobs, is this true for AmeriCorps?

I have a VERY difficult time believing that a job that pays $12/hr is a "great opportunity."

i'm intrigued why you think pay correlates to great opportunity? you said similar when i referenced my NIH position (a very competitive/prestigious position that pays horrible... yes went on to a very prestigious doctorate from an ivy and everyone else went to get their md or phd too...)

very normal to have a low paying job post college until you're going into like CS or accounting, both of which will likely be replaced by AI so not so great opportunities anymore anyway

DH and I believe that young adults need to financially support themselves. So we don't approve of low-paying positions like AmeriCorps or non-profit positions because they assume that the recent college grad will leech off of their parents for financial support.

And BTW, DS has a Bachelor's in CS and makes $250k a year in tech. His job will not be replaced by AI anytime soon -- he's the one developing the AI! So no, not all tech jobs are doomed to be replaced by AI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

genuinely curious what part of this was insulting?

Sorry, I wasn't referring to your comment as insulting (it's not). Many of the other comments here are calling me a cruel and unloving mother -- now that's an insult if I've ever read one...
So you didn’t like the therapist because they recognized that you and your husband are abusers. Classic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.

Right?? And making paying for college contingent on going to church? That is financial coercion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.

The fact that you view watching your kid's activity a waste of time I'd disgusting but the bigger concern in every single one of your posts is the idea that you keep saying you're doing things for her own good- as though you always know best and she's doesn't know ( because she's clearly so pathetic) what is good for her. If we were talking about making a kid get vaccinated despite not liking needles, sure, but all your examples are just you sharing how you think your way is best ( tech jobs, specific schools, specific activities, specific foods, church, etc) and that you hold the fact that you paid for her childhood ( um don't all parents expenses unless they cant afford to?) Over her any time she objected to your preferences. I get why the therapist would want you to validate her perspective. And as someone who has led dbt groups- the goal isn't to validate the invalid- but to find the kernel of truth you do understand and let them know you get it. " yea I know team sports are hard for you and you didn't like going- I get that you're frustrated we didnt make it optional" - you don't need to agree with someone to validate. I can validate someone's fear of vomit without agreeing that vomit it scary. If you still want a relationship with your daughter I do think trying to find the kernel of truth in her perspective would go a long long way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.

The fact that you view watching your kid's activity a waste of time I'd disgusting but the bigger concern in every single one of your posts is the idea that you keep saying you're doing things for her own good- as though you always know best and she's doesn't know ( because she's clearly so pathetic) what is good for her. If we were talking about making a kid get vaccinated despite not liking needles, sure, but all your examples are just you sharing how you think your way is best ( tech jobs, specific schools, specific activities, specific foods, church, etc) and that you hold the fact that you paid for her childhood ( um don't all parents expenses unless they cant afford to?) Over her any time she objected to your preferences. I get why the therapist would want you to validate her perspective. And as someone who has led dbt groups- the goal isn't to validate the invalid- but to find the kernel of truth you do understand and let them know you get it. " yea I know team sports are hard for you and you didn't like going- I get that you're frustrated we didnt make it optional" - you don't need to agree with someone to validate. I can validate someone's fear of vomit without agreeing that vomit it scary. If you still want a relationship with your daughter I do think trying to find the kernel of truth in her perspective would go a long long way

THIS is why I hate therapists. More BS about how we, as HER PARENTS, are not the ones who know best for her.

Since you've led DBT groups, I'm assuming you're familiar with how immature and entitled people with BPD can be. Yes, we cannot let DD assume normal age-appropriate decisions because she's done NOTHING but shown us again, and again, year after year, DBT group after DBT group (Yes! You people are ineffective!), that she CANNOT handle adult responsibilities.

So yes, we are going to dictate her adult life for her. Because she lacks the maturity and executive functioning skills to really succeed at anything of her own volition (including her insane, delusional, navel-gazing "poetry" that everyone in our family rolls their eyes at).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.

The fact that you view watching your kid's activity a waste of time I'd disgusting but the bigger concern in every single one of your posts is the idea that you keep saying you're doing things for her own good- as though you always know best and she's doesn't know ( because she's clearly so pathetic) what is good for her. If we were talking about making a kid get vaccinated despite not liking needles, sure, but all your examples are just you sharing how you think your way is best ( tech jobs, specific schools, specific activities, specific foods, church, etc) and that you hold the fact that you paid for her childhood ( um don't all parents expenses unless they cant afford to?) Over her any time she objected to your preferences. I get why the therapist would want you to validate her perspective. And as someone who has led dbt groups- the goal isn't to validate the invalid- but to find the kernel of truth you do understand and let them know you get it. " yea I know team sports are hard for you and you didn't like going- I get that you're frustrated we didnt make it optional" - you don't need to agree with someone to validate. I can validate someone's fear of vomit without agreeing that vomit it scary. If you still want a relationship with your daughter I do think trying to find the kernel of truth in her perspective would go a long long way

THIS is why I hate therapists. More BS about how we, as HER PARENTS, are not the ones who know best for her.

Since you've led DBT groups, I'm assuming you're familiar with how immature and entitled people with BPD can be. Yes, we cannot let DD assume normal age-appropriate decisions because she's done NOTHING but shown us again, and again, year after year, DBT group after DBT group (Yes! You people are ineffective!), that she CANNOT handle adult responsibilities.

So yes, we are going to dictate her adult life for her. Because she lacks the maturity and executive functioning skills to really succeed at anything of her own volition (including her insane, delusional, navel-gazing "poetry" that everyone in our family rolls their eyes at).

you've said twice she has ADHD-- of course she can't handle all executive functioning skills yet on her own-- but your expectations of what someone neurotypical financially by themselves post college in 2025 are unrealistic.

I do appreciate you're using the term ineffective-- i think the question is ineffective at what? if the goal is effective at building her independence i think she's going to need more support and scaffolding to get there (not necessarily more DBT)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.

The fact that you view watching your kid's activity a waste of time I'd disgusting but the bigger concern in every single one of your posts is the idea that you keep saying you're doing things for her own good- as though you always know best and she's doesn't know ( because she's clearly so pathetic) what is good for her. If we were talking about making a kid get vaccinated despite not liking needles, sure, but all your examples are just you sharing how you think your way is best ( tech jobs, specific schools, specific activities, specific foods, church, etc) and that you hold the fact that you paid for her childhood ( um don't all parents expenses unless they cant afford to?) Over her any time she objected to your preferences. I get why the therapist would want you to validate her perspective. And as someone who has led dbt groups- the goal isn't to validate the invalid- but to find the kernel of truth you do understand and let them know you get it. " yea I know team sports are hard for you and you didn't like going- I get that you're frustrated we didnt make it optional" - you don't need to agree with someone to validate. I can validate someone's fear of vomit without agreeing that vomit it scary. If you still want a relationship with your daughter I do think trying to find the kernel of truth in her perspective would go a long long way

THIS is why I hate therapists. More BS about how we, as HER PARENTS, are not the ones who know best for her.

Since you've led DBT groups, I'm assuming you're familiar with how immature and entitled people with BPD can be. Yes, we cannot let DD assume normal age-appropriate decisions because she's done NOTHING but shown us again, and again, year after year, DBT group after DBT group (Yes! You people are ineffective!), that she CANNOT handle adult responsibilities.

So yes, we are going to dictate her adult life for her. Because she lacks the maturity and executive functioning skills to really succeed at anything of her own volition (including her insane, delusional, navel-gazing "poetry" that everyone in our family rolls their eyes at).

you've said twice she has ADHD-- of course she can't handle all executive functioning skills yet on her own-- but your expectations of what someone neurotypical financially by themselves post college in 2025 are unrealistic.

I do appreciate you're using the term ineffective-- i think the question is ineffective at what? if the goal is effective at building her independence i think she's going to need more support and scaffolding to get there (not necessarily more DBT)

Did you see the part where OP didn’t like the therapist because the therapist agreed that OP and her husband were abusers? Seems like a mistake to listen to any of OP’s narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

And if you actually forced her to attend church as an adult, in order to receive college tuition…that was 1,000% wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you know how rare DCUM unanimity is? Crazy rare. Sad for all that you cannot see it, you are too defensive and certain you are right.

You are a controlling person that will lose their child because you are in fact crazy controlling and the effect of every action you are taking with your daughter will (1) not help her, and (2) drive her away from you.

We all feel for your child. No one thinks she is perfect, but everyone feels for how hard it must have been to grow up with your lack of respect for any choice she has ever wanted to make.

[Anonymous]

+1000000
Time to stop enabling OP to continue her delusional self justification. Yes that's a diss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you know how rare DCUM unanimity is? Crazy rare. Sad for all that you cannot see it, you are too defensive and certain you are right.

You are a controlling person that will lose their child because you are in fact crazy controlling and the effect of every action you are taking with your daughter will (1) not help her, and (2) drive her away from you.

We all feel for your child. No one thinks she is perfect, but everyone feels for how hard it must have been to grow up with your lack of respect for any choice she has ever wanted to make.

I want to make it clear for rude commenters who haven't heard this before: If you don't have a child with a personality disorder, do NOT COMMENT AND INSULT ME ON THIS THREAD.

Do you know how hard it is to raise a child with an obvious personality disorder? Of course DH and I don't respect any of the choices that she's made. They've all led her to this situation of being underemployed and dependent on me for financial support, which DH and I EXPLICITLY stated at the beginning of college that we do NOT believe in for adult children.

Obviously a STEM graduate from Stanford is more employable than an English graduate from Oberlin. It was only inevitable that DD would end up in this situation.

Only people with borderline adult children can understand this. No, we do not have to respect an adult child's delusions.