Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

[Anonymous]

Help her with the Americorps job. That’s a great opportunity and can lead to preferential hiring later. This doesn’t mean you give her $10k all at once

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

This. You are disgusted by her and think you are better than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

You cannot be for real. If you are, I’ll venmo your poor daughter money for toiletries.

[Anonymous]

I can't wait for the chapter of this saga where your daughter is stuck with your elder care. Enjoy living in a kennel and having to beg for personal hygeine products.

[Anonymous]

How did it take until college to get her diagnoses? How clueless are you, OP?
Whatever she has, she got it from you. Imagine going without support all these years, but expected to do well.

[Anonymous]

NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the point of accumulating so much wealth if you won’t help your kids with it? You can help financially in ways that help her gain independence, which would absolutely include a used car, and maybe a work appropriate wardrobe, WiFi and cell phone plan so she can keep applying to jobs, a grocery budget to buy healthy food… no one is able to be 100% financially independent the day they graduate school without serious struggle and relying on ramen!

RIGHT!! OP seems to have no concept of how a normal, loving family functions. A lot of people get help from their parents in their 20s and beyond, this is how generational wealth happens. Most people aren't just able to be fully self supporting directly out of college. My family has a fraction of OPs yearly income and in our 20s my parents help myself and my siblings out with things here and there. I've always had a great relationship with them and I've spoken to them on the phone at least once or twice a week since leaving for college, and get together with them frequently. When they need eldercare, my sibling and I will take good care of them. That is how family works. Will they be "pathetic" if they need our help when they get older??

[Anonymous]

PP from the most recent post here. I've been sick this week and my retired mom who lives 10 minutes away from me just messaged to say she was going to the store and asked if I needed her to pick up anything and drop it off to me. "Pathetic" right??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to assume all is true and try to be helpful. Parenting girls can be hard. Keep in mind the goal is to launch and maintain a relationship. So to that end, you need to really evaluate the comments to DD to make sure they are constructive and not mean. And don’t be baited by her comments. Nothing about her weight is constructive. At her age, it’s her business. Provide guidance and assistance in getting job or going to grad school. Talk to her about where she wants to get to and what possible paths get her there. There is no point readdressing her college major, what’s done is fine. If you find jointly find a path and you have the means, it’s okay to provide financial support on the path towards the goal. Like a certification or interview clothes. You must get out of the toxic interaction. I get it that it is frustrating, you provide all the opportunities and you daughters seems to waste them. But she is young and there is time for her to turn it around. But that turnaround will not come from you degrading her. You must acknowledge that and change your behavior too. I agree with not enabling her financially, she has to live the life she built for herself. But if you can be part of getting her to define goal and path to he goal that is invaluable. But nothing about past and nothing about about weight!

OP here. This is what I struggle with the most! She just absolutely REFUSES to accept the consequences of her (poor!) choices and tries to pull off insane shit like hacking into my Amazon Prime account because *surprise surprise*, a BA in English from a liberal arts college doesn't lead to steady employment.

Oh, and her goal and ultimate "path" in life that she wants for herself is to publish insane poetry about her "childhood trauma."

This has got to be a troll. And, by the way, English majors are very hireable as they know how to write and communicate.

Maybe English majors overall are very hirable, but my daughter is not. Her immaturity, entitlement, and annoying personality are VERY evident to any interviewer.

And who raised her?

My son is the total opposite. He's thriving at a tech job in SF and is kind, generous, and always grateful to me and DH.

Maybe you favored the son over your daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to assume all is true and try to be helpful. Parenting girls can be hard. Keep in mind the goal is to launch and maintain a relationship. So to that end, you need to really evaluate the comments to DD to make sure they are constructive and not mean. And don’t be baited by her comments. Nothing about her weight is constructive. At her age, it’s her business. Provide guidance and assistance in getting job or going to grad school. Talk to her about where she wants to get to and what possible paths get her there. There is no point readdressing her college major, what’s done is fine. If you find jointly find a path and you have the means, it’s okay to provide financial support on the path towards the goal. Like a certification or interview clothes. You must get out of the toxic interaction. I get it that it is frustrating, you provide all the opportunities and you daughters seems to waste them. But she is young and there is time for her to turn it around. But that turnaround will not come from you degrading her. You must acknowledge that and change your behavior too. I agree with not enabling her financially, she has to live the life she built for herself. But if you can be part of getting her to define goal and path to he goal that is invaluable. But nothing about past and nothing about about weight!

OP here. This is what I struggle with the most! She just absolutely REFUSES to accept the consequences of her (poor!) choices and tries to pull off insane shit like hacking into my Amazon Prime account because *surprise surprise*, a BA in English from a liberal arts college doesn't lead to steady employment.

Oh, and her goal and ultimate "path" in life that she wants for herself is to publish insane poetry about her "childhood trauma."

This has got to be a troll. And, by the way, English majors are very hireable as they know how to write and communicate.

Maybe English majors overall are very hirable, but my daughter is not. Her immaturity, entitlement, and annoying personality are VERY evident to any interviewer.

And who raised her?

My son is the total opposite. He's thriving at a tech job in SF and is kind, generous, and always grateful to me and DH.

Maybe you favored the son over your daughter

He was more willing to play you to get the buttered side of the bread. OP and her hubby may not have abused him either. Girls are more appealing? I bet OP isn't near SF lol. They are "churchgoers" but OP words and sentiments are hardly those of a sincerely religious person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help her with the Americorps job. That’s a great opportunity and can lead to preferential hiring later. This doesn’t mean you give her $10k all at once

OP here. Could you expand more on this? I've read online that Peace Corps gives NCE (or preferential hiring) for government jobs, is this true for AmeriCorps?

I have a VERY difficult time believing that a job that pays $12/hr is a "great opportunity."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

[Anonymous]

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

genuinely curious what part of this was insulting?