Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you know how rare DCUM unanimity is? Crazy rare. Sad for all that you cannot see it, you are too defensive and certain you are right.

You are a controlling person that will lose their child because you are in fact crazy controlling and the effect of every action you are taking with your daughter will (1) not help her, and (2) drive her away from you.

We all feel for your child. No one thinks she is perfect, but everyone feels for how hard it must have been to grow up with your lack of respect for any choice she has ever wanted to make.

I want to make it clear for rude commenters who haven't heard this before: If you don't have a child with a personality disorder, do NOT COMMENT AND INSULT ME ON THIS THREAD.

Do you know how hard it is to raise a child with an obvious personality disorder? Of course DH and I don't respect any of the choices that she's made. They've all led her to this situation of being underemployed and dependent on me for financial support, which DH and I EXPLICITLY stated at the beginning of college that we do NOT believe in for adult children.

Obviously a STEM graduate from Stanford is more employable than an English graduate from Oberlin. It was only inevitable that DD would end up in this situation.

Only people with borderline adult children can understand this. No, we do not have to respect an adult child's delusions.

Op you sound like the one with the personality disorder.

By the way, I have a liberal arts degrees from a state school and I have a good corporate career. I’m not the only person there either. Getting a degree in English doesn’t mean a lifetime of bad job contrary to what people like to say.

[Anonymous]

OP is clearly insane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you know how rare DCUM unanimity is? Crazy rare. Sad for all that you cannot see it, you are too defensive and certain you are right.

You are a controlling person that will lose their child because you are in fact crazy controlling and the effect of every action you are taking with your daughter will (1) not help her, and (2) drive her away from you.

We all feel for your child. No one thinks she is perfect, but everyone feels for how hard it must have been to grow up with your lack of respect for any choice she has ever wanted to make.

I want to make it clear for rude commenters who haven't heard this before: If you don't have a child with a personality disorder, do NOT COMMENT AND INSULT ME ON THIS THREAD.

Do you know how hard it is to raise a child with an obvious personality disorder? Of course DH and I don't respect any of the choices that she's made. They've all led her to this situation of being underemployed and dependent on me for financial support, which DH and I EXPLICITLY stated at the beginning of college that we do NOT believe in for adult children.

Obviously a STEM graduate from Stanford is more employable than an English graduate from Oberlin. It was only inevitable that DD would end up in this situation.

Only people with borderline adult children can understand this. No, we do not have to respect an adult child's delusions.

I want to make it clear for insane and self-serving OP that anyone who has had a parent who was a pillar of the community AND a secret narcissistic abuser knows what you are all about. Anyone who ever got a STEM degree from a T10 yet ended up "underachieving" financially because other things were more important knows what's up with your rants. [Egad, some may have even become SAHPs or freelance writers or clergy!] Anyone who managed to read this thread and your periodic ORDERS REGARDING WHO CAN COMMENT AND WHAT NOT TO SAY on here knows how pathetic your raging is.

No we do not have to obey you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Just based on your interaction with this thread, your DD is right. Imagine the takeaway when your parent simutaneously forces you to do something AND complains about supporting you in doing it. And how did you go from ADHD to a personality disorder? You're totally projecting, but typically people aren't born personality disordered. The personality disorder is a result of a what was required of them to navigate growing up in their particular environment.

Every post you've made about your daughter has included insults, do you not find it ironic that when served the same it doesn't feel good? Imagine what it's like to be your daughter. You're supposed to love her the most.

[Anonymous]

You need to learn how to grey rock your train wreck of a daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her with the Americorps job. That’s a great opportunity and can lead to preferential hiring later. This doesn’t mean you give her $10k all at once

OP here. Could you expand more on this? I've read online that Peace Corps gives NCE (or preferential hiring) for government jobs, is this true for AmeriCorps?

I have a VERY difficult time believing that a job that pays $12/hr is a "great opportunity."

People who volunteer for America get preferential hiring for certain American jobs (federal government). But yes, she will need parents to help support her. She’s a shitty and entitled child but you guys are also shitty parents. She needs solid footing.

And there are needs for English majors! She needs guidance, help and most of all support in how to land a job as an English major. She already has a brother who works in a field were he may have connections and can help explain stuff to her. The English jobs are in Ai model training so the models can actually work outside of India.

Try here https://careers.jhuapl.edu/business-operations-it/jobs/57378?lang=en-us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her with the Americorps job. That’s a great opportunity and can lead to preferential hiring later. This doesn’t mean you give her $10k all at once

OP here. Could you expand more on this? I've read online that Peace Corps gives NCE (or preferential hiring) for government jobs, is this true for AmeriCorps?

I have a VERY difficult time believing that a job that pays $12/hr is a "great opportunity."

People who volunteer for America get preferential hiring for certain American jobs (federal government). But yes, she will need parents to help support her. She’s a shitty and entitled child but you guys are also shitty parents. She needs solid footing.

And there are needs for English majors! She needs guidance, help and most of all support in how to land a job as an English major. She already has a brother who works in a field were he may have connections and can help explain stuff to her. The English jobs are in Ai model training so the models can actually work outside of India.

Try here https://careers.jhuapl.edu/business-operations-it/jobs/57378?lang=en-us

Thank you for sending the link to that job. I don't think she would be eligible to apply as it requires 3+ years of experience, but maybe in the future she can work at some similar job.

We are NOT shitty parents for refusing to indulge our entitled child. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

My mother never wanted me. She resented me all her life. She didn't want to spend time with me when I was growing up. When I walked into the room, her entire demeanor was: don't you have somewhere else to be? She never really knew me, but as I approached high school I could feel her underlying rage, contempt, and resentment for my very existence. When I left for college, all of the sudden she took deep interest in my life, calling me every night, micromanaging from a distance and putting me down. Why wasn't I dating? Did I really think I was smart? I went from invisible to on her radar. It was so deeply strange. Everything she said about me was always negative. She never complimented me, even once. When I gently broached the topic of how our relationship was a bit strange, she denied it and seemed to blame me. Message: If I were a better person, she wouldn't have to hate me so much. My mother was a covert narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.

The fact that you view watching your kid's activity a waste of time I'd disgusting but the bigger concern in every single one of your posts is the idea that you keep saying you're doing things for her own good- as though you always know best and she's doesn't know ( because she's clearly so pathetic) what is good for her. If we were talking about making a kid get vaccinated despite not liking needles, sure, but all your examples are just you sharing how you think your way is best ( tech jobs, specific schools, specific activities, specific foods, church, etc) and that you hold the fact that you paid for her childhood ( um don't all parents expenses unless they cant afford to?) Over her any time she objected to your preferences. I get why the therapist would want you to validate her perspective. And as someone who has led dbt groups- the goal isn't to validate the invalid- but to find the kernel of truth you do understand and let them know you get it. " yea I know team sports are hard for you and you didn't like going- I get that you're frustrated we didnt make it optional" - you don't need to agree with someone to validate. I can validate someone's fear of vomit without agreeing that vomit it scary. If you still want a relationship with your daughter I do think trying to find the kernel of truth in her perspective would go a long long way

THIS is why I hate therapists. More BS about how we, as HER PARENTS, are not the ones who know best for her.

Since you've led DBT groups, I'm assuming you're familiar with how immature and entitled people with BPD can be. Yes, we cannot let DD assume normal age-appropriate decisions because she's done NOTHING but shown us again, and again, year after year, DBT group after DBT group (Yes! You people are ineffective!), that she CANNOT handle adult responsibilities.

So yes, we are going to dictate her adult life for her. Because she lacks the maturity and executive functioning skills to really succeed at anything of her own volition (including her insane, delusional, navel-gazing "poetry" that everyone in our family rolls their eyes at).

Munchausen syndrome by proxy

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Factitious_disorder_imposed_on_another

Leave your kid alone OP. You sound like an overbearing and pathetic parent with the way you’ve described things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.

The fact that you view watching your kid's activity a waste of time I'd disgusting but the bigger concern in every single one of your posts is the idea that you keep saying you're doing things for her own good- as though you always know best and she's doesn't know ( because she's clearly so pathetic) what is good for her. If we were talking about making a kid get vaccinated despite not liking needles, sure, but all your examples are just you sharing how you think your way is best ( tech jobs, specific schools, specific activities, specific foods, church, etc) and that you hold the fact that you paid for her childhood ( um don't all parents expenses unless they cant afford to?) Over her any time she objected to your preferences. I get why the therapist would want you to validate her perspective. And as someone who has led dbt groups- the goal isn't to validate the invalid- but to find the kernel of truth you do understand and let them know you get it. " yea I know team sports are hard for you and you didn't like going- I get that you're frustrated we didnt make it optional" - you don't need to agree with someone to validate. I can validate someone's fear of vomit without agreeing that vomit it scary. If you still want a relationship with your daughter I do think trying to find the kernel of truth in her perspective would go a long long way

THIS is why I hate therapists. More BS about how we, as HER PARENTS, are not the ones who know best for her.

Since you've led DBT groups, I'm assuming you're familiar with how immature and entitled people with BPD can be. Yes, we cannot let DD assume normal age-appropriate decisions because she's done NOTHING but shown us again, and again, year after year, DBT group after DBT group (Yes! You people are ineffective!), that she CANNOT handle adult responsibilities.

So yes, we are going to dictate her adult life for her. Because she lacks the maturity and executive functioning skills to really succeed at anything of her own volition (including her insane, delusional, navel-gazing "poetry" that everyone in our family rolls their eyes at).

You’ve clipped her wings and berate her for not being able to fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her with the Americorps job. That’s a great opportunity and can lead to preferential hiring later. This doesn’t mean you give her $10k all at once

OP here. Could you expand more on this? I've read online that Peace Corps gives NCE (or preferential hiring) for government jobs, is this true for AmeriCorps?

I have a VERY difficult time believing that a job that pays $12/hr is a "great opportunity."

People who volunteer for America get preferential hiring for certain American jobs (federal government). But yes, she will need parents to help support her. She’s a shitty and entitled child but you guys are also shitty parents. She needs solid footing.

And there are needs for English majors! She needs guidance, help and most of all support in how to land a job as an English major. She already has a brother who works in a field were he may have connections and can help explain stuff to her. The English jobs are in Ai model training so the models can actually work outside of India.

Try here https://careers.jhuapl.edu/business-operations-it/jobs/57378?lang=en-us

Thank you for sending the link to that job. I don't think she would be eligible to apply as it requires 3+ years of experience, but maybe in the future she can work at some similar job.

We are NOT shitty parents for refusing to indulge our entitled child. Not at all.

Deodorant and tampons are not indulgent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother never wanted me. She resented me all her life. She didn't want to spend time with me when I was growing up. When I walked into the room, her entire demeanor was: don't you have somewhere else to be? She never really knew me, but as I approached high school I could feel her underlying rage, contempt, and resentment for my very existence. When I left for college, all of the sudden she took deep interest in my life, calling me every night, micromanaging from a distance and putting me down. Why wasn't I dating? Did I really think I was smart? I went from invisible to on her radar. It was so deeply strange. Everything she said about me was always negative. She never complimented me, even once. When I gently broached the topic of how our relationship was a bit strange, she denied it and seemed to blame me. Message: If I were a better person, she wouldn't have to hate me so much. My mother was a covert narcissist.

Cruelly, menopause coincides with having teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

And if you actually forced her to attend church as an adult, in order to receive college tuition…that was 1,000% wrong.

NP

I know manners of parents “bribing” their teens to do things that are positive and good for the teen.

Most teens don’t know what’s good for them, especially when they view the easiest and best option to stay home on a screen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to learn how to grey rock your train wreck of a daughter

Agree.

The daughter might be saying such BS as a “shock & awe” tactic or a dig.

So just gray rock that instead of argue.
- your personal opinion is noted
- that was not the case and you know it
- I never said nor believed that
- that’s not how I recall that playing out
- noted
- I hear your view on the matter, it is different than ours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother never wanted me. She resented me all her life. She didn't want to spend time with me when I was growing up. When I walked into the room, her entire demeanor was: don't you have somewhere else to be?

She never really knew me, but as I approached high school I could feel her underlying rage, contempt, and resentment for my very existence.

When I left for college, all of the sudden she took deep interest in my life, calling me every night, micromanaging from a distance and putting me down. Why wasn't I dating? Did I really think I was smart? I went from invisible to on her radar. It was so deeply strange.

Everything she said about me was always negative. She never complimented me, even once.

When I gently broached the topic of how our relationship was a bit strange, she denied it and seemed to blame me. Message: If I were a better person, she wouldn't have to hate me so much. My mother was a covert narcissist.

What was your dad doing all those days and years? Maybe that’s why she wasn’t spunky smiley mom, she was swamped and abused.