Freshman is really unhappy, how typical is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep in mind, OP, that transferring takes time and work that could perhaps best be applied to life on current campus. She would be living with one foot out the door.

more bad advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

I'm so confused on timing, YOu ask if this is normal for 2025 but it's 2026 now.

I’m lucky if I get the year right by March. Many people auto-type (or write) the wrong year for several weeks after the new year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep in mind, OP, that transferring takes time and work that could perhaps best be applied to life on current campus. She would be living with one foot out the door.

She’s already been putting in the time and work. She’s gotten nowhere, and she is miserable.

Definitely encourage her to not give up, OP, but also to put in transfer applications. She doesn’t have to make a final decision yet, but it will give her more options.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it is that common to be honest. If your child truly was well adjusted and relatively easy going in HS. Sounds like it just might not be the right fit for her. There are plenty of “good” colleges where clubs etc are not that competitive to get into. Good news is if she is doing well academically a transfer to a similar academic level school should be possible.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read all the responses but this doesn’t seem normal or common at all. She should transfer- I think it is very likely she will land somewhere that is a better and happier fitnfor her. Good luck to her - there is no reason to be that miserable after all the effort she took to try and find community.

[Anonymous]

OP, another option for connecting could be an on campus job. I met a lot of people working the campus coffee cart, both student coworkers and student purchasers. People also recognized me and would approach me in other settings because they'd bought coffee from me.

[Anonymous]

Kudos to the OP for not divulging the school. That said, I would do a deep dive on the school’s Facebook page as well as Reddit to gauge this school’s inclusive scene. Maybe she is in a bad dorm or generally, the school doesn’t do September freshman activities. Some dorms don’t allow open doors due to fire safety. As others have said, it sounds like a bad fit. Too much money to invest in another year. Let her apply. Good luck to her.

[Anonymous]

Could it be a situation where most peers are from private schools and this person was not? I am interested in knowing for my own future student.

[Anonymous]

t30 = one of the southern flagships? UNC, UVA, UF, UT? The large schools can be hard to adjust to but generally it's a matter of time.

[Anonymous]

Yes she should consider transferring but it’s not clear why the school is not a good fit. WHY is she not clicking with other students? What are the differences? Why is she not being accepted? Until she can articulate what needs to be different from the current environment, it’s really hard to determine where she should apply to. Certain schools attract certain types of students (for better or worse). Are the students snobs and she needs them more down to earth? Are the students so different from her upbringing that she has nothing in common with them? Would changing dorms open her up to different types of students? Is the school too small or too big?

I went to school at a large Midwest public university. There was a girl on the floor of my dorm from Boston who was really unhappy and not making friends. Many of the students on our floor happened to be from the local area and often went home on weekends. She also didn’t share a lot in common with them. She transferred to a different dorm that had more out of state students and her problem was solved. Didn’t require a change of schools but a dorm environment with more students with similar backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, another option for connecting could be an on campus job. I met a lot of people working the campus coffee cart, both student coworkers and student purchasers. People also recognized me and would approach me in other settings because they'd bought coffee from me.

This is really great advice!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a smaller setting would be better for her.

That's what I was thinking too. Sounds like she's lost in a big crowd and needs a smaller campus.

[Anonymous]

Our middle kid had a similar experience her freshman year at a big T50 minus the rushing part. It was further exacerbated by dealing with significant anxiety and depression and lots of medication issues. She was completely miserable after first semester so we all agreed she could transfer but she had to keep putting the effort in.
She made some inroads second semester but was still unhappy. She transferred the following fall and is graduating this spring. It wasn't an easy process and the first year at the new school was very transitional but eventually she landed on her feet, and is thriving today.
Your DC will likely find their footing where they are. Finding the right niche usually leads to finding the right people. In our daughter's case, she associated her first school with panic attacks and misery that seemed insurmountable even as she began to navigate it better.
Wishing your student, and you, some grace and better days ahead. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I transferred. My freshman year experience was infuriating from a social standpoint. I had a depressed, mean roommate, there were safety issues with drunk men in my dorm, and I was unsatisfied with the liberal arts college and honors program.

What helped a lot during the year was taking an active interest in my classes and going to office hours. There were at least 3 professors who made me feel seen. My Western History professor gave me a book off his shelf to keep. My English professor knew about my plans to transfer and discussed them with me and gave me advice about grad school. My Social Psychology professor was a really good prof who had lots of insights about people that I still remember. I was in two choirs and although nobody particularly reached out to me, making the music was a beautiful experience.

Transferring wasn't perfect. But the kids around me we were a better fit. More respect for the liberal arts. Humbler and less spoiled. I was delighted to get a single after a spending a year with a bad roommate. I joined a smaller choir and met my husband. I'm still sorry I didn't start there my freshman year.

This was a flagship to flagship move, maybe a slight step down in prestige. It was closer to home although I didn't go home much.

My feedback to you is that it's good to have options but also to be open-eyed.

Maybe your daughter needs to keep looking at EC's. Maybe she could put out a call for roommates for a shared apartment for next year, etc.

Keep in mind that things go very similarly when you move out of home/away and take a first job. That can also be isolating. And it takes time to reassemble a community around yourself.

[Anonymous]

My freshman daughter had 8 hs girlfriends hanging out over winter break and they go to 8 different schools. (From ivy to t30 to flagships). The chatter and concern was all about social stuff and finding their place. Many common stories. All the girls seemed OK but definitely agreed it was more work than they expected and required an adjustment of expectations. The girls at flagships seemed a bit more settled by december bc they had rush in the fall. The girls who were about to go through rush in january definitely expressed anxiety about the unknown outcome of the process. I told my kid beforehand that settling into college can take time. But i think social media messaging sends the unrealistic message that college is super fun and immediately perfect. And if they are not having that experience, it can make kids feel sad and isolated. My kid is doing well but they have gotten better at being proactive, trying new things and accepting that rejection is disappointing but part of life. I dont want my kid to be unhappy but resilience is an important life skill.