I feel like I won the parenting wars

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS was accepted ED1 to an elite university. Husband and I have worked for years to help him with grades, encouraging increased in AP classes, motivation, ec's, supporting his varsity sport, helping with the mental toughness training/support required for the sport, requiring DS do volunteer work, etc. throughout high school.

Our parenting style differs from our siblings parenting style - they are more "live and let live." DS has also overcome struggles with anxiety and social issues (stress in his sport and around acclimating to a new HS), even us finding vape carts and getting him a therapist). A visit to the emergency room on prom after too much vodka. So many opportunities to veer too far off track.

I'm just feeling so grateful, his senior year, to be on the other side with him heading to a great school with amazing opportunities. I'm also feeling validated with our parenting style. Most importantly, DS is extremely proud of his accomplishment. He did it! We did it! Feeling proud and emotional about this next phase. Parents need to pat ourselves on the back sometimes🥹

You did not win if your child abuses subsances.

[Anonymous]

What parenting wars? I hope your kid does well in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like I won the parenting wars"

I don't get this. War against whom?

Wars against lack of motivation at exactly the wrong time. Wars against alcohol and rampant drug use at his dmv private. Wars against telegram that delivers drugs like Doordash to kids neighborhoods (yeah, we were horrified to learn this one). Wars against house parties gone amok. Wars against teen rebellion and teen anxiety. Wars against brain rot from the phone. Wars against the system (knowing how soon to get SAT prep, when to set high standards and when to pull back). Wars against the characters/friends that come into DS's life that could derail him.

The Wars have nothing to do with other parents.

Sounds like the seemingly elite DMV private did wonders for him. Good luck with more of the same.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be so smug, OP. Life is long.

College is the beginning, not the end.

[Anonymous]

Agree - it feels like ANOTHER fake post. Anyone else feel most of posts recently are fake? They do a masterful job because most people respond as if they’re legitimate posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really moving near the college, OP?

OP here. I didn't post about moving near the college, someone else did. BUT, my husband keeps mentioning us doing this. And I think he's serious. I think this is ridiculous and DS needs to be able to come home to the dmv house he grew up in and visit his elementary and hometown friends. So, no, I don't see moving near college as something we would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS was accepted ED1 to an elite university. Husband and I have worked for years to help him with grades, encouraging increased in AP classes, motivation, ec's, supporting his varsity sport, helping with the mental toughness training/support required for the sport, requiring DS do volunteer work, etc. throughout high school.

Our parenting style differs from our siblings parenting style - they are more "live and let live." DS has also overcome struggles with anxiety and social issues (stress in his sport and around acclimating to a new HS), even us finding vape carts and getting him a therapist). A visit to the emergency room on prom after too much vodka. So many opportunities to veer too far off track.

I'm just feeling so grateful, his senior year, to be on the other side with him heading to a great school with amazing opportunities. I'm also feeling validated with our parenting style. Most importantly, DS is extremely proud of his accomplishment. He did it! We did it! Feeling proud and emotional about this next phase. Parents need to pat ourselves on the back sometimes🥹

I'm happy your son has learned to manage anxiety and social issues and potential drug use/addiction. That is something to feel very happy about!

But there are no "parenting wars" IMO. Admission to an "elite" college is not an end unto itself, it's just one more step along the way where things can go up or down or they aren't necessarily going to find immediate happiness but will lead to new and more complex challenges than high school. And the stage after college graduation (if they graduate) leads yet again to another temporary step along the way where things can go up or down, etc. College is just one step on the long staircase of life so please don't measure your worth as a parent on something as transient as college admission. I do think you should be more proud for supporting your son on coping mechanisms for anxiety, social problems and drug use instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all along you thought it was a competition? Huh. Try some grace and humility.

Yeah, it would be easier to celebrate OP if she weren't so judgmental of others.

This is OP. I wasn't trying to be judgemental of others. Was more celebrating self and husband and son and hitting this milestone. And thinking there might be others feeling the same given the years long process. It never occurred to me that those not getting accepted in ed1 were "losers," most certainly, all will find great schools later in the process. We were fully prepared to keep going if ed1 didn't work out.

It was the parenting of your siblings that you were judgmental about. Look, few know better than me how good it feels when your child accomplishes difficult things. I am on a different spectrum than you - no one believed that mine was capable of HS graduation and with a lot of work on my part, it happened and he also got through trade school and is employable in a job with insurance and paid sick leave. And, yes I celebrate those accomplishments and feel great about my contribution. But, I don't for a second believe that I and my parenting style were the only ways for him to reach his amazing milestones. And, even the best parent in the world sometimes has kids whose issues and struggles cannot be overcome.

I do also think there was some insensitivity in your post regarding kids who did not have the high level of academic achievement that your son did. Even the best parenting in the world isn't going to get a child with low IQ, such as mine, into any college. But, my comment really went to your criticism of your siblings parenting styles.

[Anonymous]

We live and let live, and we still “won” based on your criteria. It’s not a competition, and some kids need more scaffolding than others. Yours did, and you gave it to him. That’s great—keep it up.

[Anonymous]

Rather than winning the parenting wars, a more appropriate title and declaration would have been “I won the parenting lottery.”

My guess is that you and your spouse have not been saddled with debt, generational poverty, or significant health issues. You’ve been able to purchase a home in a relatively safe neighborhood where you have built equity. You and spouse have been fortunate to have jobs that allowed for promotions and stability. You’ve been able to be focused on your kid because a hundred things leaned in your favor.

You don’t have to apologize for any of it. Like you, I have reaped the benefits of these privileges. My kid is at an Ivy, and not for one minute do I forget that it is because of the lottery I won at birth and not because I won a parenting war.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree - it feels like ANOTHER fake post. Anyone else feel most of posts recently are fake? They do a masterful job because most people respond as if they’re legitimate posts.

This isn't a fake post. As other parents have noted, they feel similarly to me in that they are proud of this milestone. It's pretty simple. Not being judgemental of others, just celebrating something that was years in the making and taking a breath before the next phase.

Also, someone said I sounded smug comparing parenting style to my sibling and siblings in law. I don't know, am feeling a little validated. But that isn't the main point.

Parenting teens through HS and into collefe is traumatic. As someone mentioned, my experiences aren't that unusual, and I know that. We've also had parental friends whose kids home schooled due to extreme anxiety, suicide attempts from a teen whose mom had died from breast cancer. OK, thanks posters you win! Everything sucks, lol. We can stay in the muck together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree - it feels like ANOTHER fake post. Anyone else feel most of posts recently are fake? They do a masterful job because most people respond as if they’re legitimate posts.

This isn't a fake post. As other parents have noted, they feel similarly to me in that they are proud of this milestone. It's pretty simple. Not being judgemental of others, just celebrating something that was years in the making and taking a breath before the next phase.

Also, someone said I sounded smug comparing parenting style to my sibling and siblings in law. I don't know, am feeling a little validated. But that isn't the main point.

Parenting teens through HS and into collefe is traumatic. As someone mentioned, my experiences aren't that unusual, and I know that. We've also had parental friends whose kids home schooled due to extreme anxiety, suicide attempts from a teen whose mom had died from breast cancer. OK, thanks posters you win! Everything sucks, lol. We can stay in the muck together.

Some things are better left unsaid. You’re setting yourself up for a fall.

[Anonymous]

Yikes.

We were in your shoes about 7 years with our oldest. Yes, it is a proud moment when your kid gets into his/her first choice school. But to feel vindicated in some way? That's just bizarre and unhealthy. I hope you don't have younger ones. Our youngest was an even stronger student and she just got deferred to the same school (REA, not ED). That could have been your kid, and how would you be feeling in that situation? Like a failure.

[Anonymous]

But you didn't win the social intelligence wars, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree - it feels like ANOTHER fake post. Anyone else feel most of posts recently are fake? They do a masterful job because most people respond as if they’re legitimate posts.

This isn't a fake post. As other parents have noted, they feel similarly to me in that they are proud of this milestone. It's pretty simple. Not being judgemental of others, just celebrating something that was years in the making and taking a breath before the next phase.

Also, someone said I sounded smug comparing parenting style to my sibling and siblings in law. I don't know, am feeling a little validated. But that isn't the main point.

Parenting teens through HS and into collefe is traumatic. As someone mentioned, my experiences aren't that unusual, and I know that. We've also had parental friends whose kids home schooled due to extreme anxiety, suicide attempts from a teen whose mom had died from breast cancer. OK, thanks posters you win! Everything sucks, lol. We can stay in the muck together.

“Traumatic” is a bit dramatic when applied to your story, OP.