I feel like I won the parenting wars

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like I won the parenting wars"

I don't get this. War against whom?

Wars against lack of motivation at exactly the wrong time. Wars against alcohol and rampant drug use at his dmv private. Wars against telegram that delivers drugs like Doordash to kids neighborhoods (yeah, we were horrified to learn this one). Wars against house parties gone amok. Wars against teen rebellion and teen anxiety. Wars against brain rot from the phone. Wars against the system (knowing how soon to get SAT prep, when to set high standards and when to pull back). Wars against the characters/friends that come into DS's life that could derail him.

The Wars have nothing to do with other parents.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is only a junior and I have 3 kids. I suspect my oldest will have a great college outcome but not necessarily the younger one.

I would not be so smug. I have neighbors with kids who got into ivy and sitting home jobless now while the kid who went to a lesser school is now a physician. We have a neighbor who went to a T100 and sold his company for hundreds of millions.

I actually think my second child who will likely go to a less prestigious college will be more successful than my oldest who will end up at a top school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all along you thought it was a competition? Huh. Try some grace and humility.

Yeah, it would be easier to celebrate OP if she weren't so judgmental of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have twins who also made it into elite universities (freshmen at Ivies) after some reasonably heavy and involved parenting and a lot of ups and downs in high school: lack of motivation from time-to-time, anxiety, ADHD for one, some drinking (no vaping). Basically super involved parents and some good, bad and ugly of teenage life.

I remember the relief of thinking "huh, we did it" but I'm hear to report that it all still continues in college: mood disorders, struggles with self-motivation (not with academics so far but in developing passions/interests), drinking, etc. Sure they "made it" but in 2025, ATTENDING AN IVY is really not all that in and of itself. It's probably a good launching point but the rat race only continues on. For good internships, jobs, graduate schools the kids all need the top college grades, top clubs, top everything and a whole lot of self motivation and organization.

Relax, catch your breath and start crossing your fingers and praying. That's what I'm doing. I can't manage from afar so I hope it all works out.

Yeah, I think we're where you were when you thought, "huh, we did it." Yes, LOTS of heavy parenting to get him into top school and I realize the race continues. Celebrating the last 6 months of senior year and summer.

In a way, drinking too much that first time and ending up in the hospital (that was us as parents overreacting) wasn't the worst thing. It opened up the discussion around drinking. Allowed us to set strict rules for senior year (no drinking, no vaping - with drug tests and checks). So I'm hoping it will help with what we all know can be a rough entry to college life.

Oh, boy. And now he is going off to a hyper competitive college on his own…

My thoughts exactly! Any parent who has to drug test their kid and then pats themselves on the back needs to reconsider what good parenting looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS was accepted ED1 to an elite university. Husband and I have worked for years to help him with grades, encouraging increased in AP classes, motivation, ec's, supporting his varsity sport, helping with the mental toughness training/support required for the sport, requiring DS do volunteer work, etc. throughout high school.

Our parenting style differs from our siblings parenting style - they are more "live and let live." DS has also overcome struggles with anxiety and social issues (stress in his sport and around acclimating to a new HS), even us finding vape carts and getting him a therapist). A visit to the emergency room on prom after too much vodka. So many opportunities to veer too far off track.

I'm just feeling so grateful, his senior year, to be on the other side with him heading to a great school with amazing opportunities. I'm also feeling validated with our parenting style. Most importantly, DS is extremely proud of his accomplishment. He did it! We did it! Feeling proud and emotional about this next phase. Parents need to pat ourselves on the back sometimes🥹

Kudos OP! I get it. As a parent of an only as well, all your eggs are in this one basket and you cannot, will not, fail them and likewise they cannot fail either! You got him through these hurdles so celebrate! But too, be vigilant during the college years and even more so, because they are transitioning to adulthood, be supportive and listening - those social and anxiety issues can crop up in different ways. I know you want to feel like you did it and you’re done! I also know that you know - until they graduate from the elite college - you’re not done yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got your kid to the finish line after high school in a winning position. That is great. Do you have older kids? I do and shit can really hit the fan in and after college no matter what 18yo parenting wars were won.

Good lord what a Debbie downer (and I say that as someone who did struggle terribly in college)- let OP have her moment of happiness!!

True! It might only be a moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like I won the parenting wars"

I don't get this. War against whom?

Wars against lack of motivation at exactly the wrong time. Wars against alcohol and rampant drug use at his dmv private. Wars against telegram that delivers drugs like Doordash to kids neighborhoods (yeah, we were horrified to learn this one). Wars against house parties gone amok. Wars against teen rebellion and teen anxiety. Wars against brain rot from the phone. Wars against the system (knowing how soon to get SAT prep, when to set high standards and when to pull back). Wars against the characters/friends that come into DS's life that could derail him.

The Wars have nothing to do with other parents.

Wow. Those seem heavy waters to navigate what with all that money and privilege weighing you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all along you thought it was a competition? Huh. Try some grace and humility.

Yeah, it would be easier to celebrate OP if she weren't so judgmental of others.

This is OP. I wasn't trying to be judgemental of others. Was more celebrating self and husband and son and hitting this milestone. And thinking there might be others feeling the same given the years long process. It never occurred to me that those not getting accepted in ed1 were "losers," most certainly, all will find great schools later in the process. We were fully prepared to keep going if ed1 didn't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like I won the parenting wars"

I don't get this. War against whom?

Wars against lack of motivation at exactly the wrong time. Wars against alcohol and rampant drug use at his dmv private. Wars against telegram that delivers drugs like Doordash to kids neighborhoods (yeah, we were horrified to learn this one). Wars against house parties gone amok. Wars against teen rebellion and teen anxiety. Wars against brain rot from the phone. Wars against the system (knowing how soon to get SAT prep, when to set high standards and when to pull back). Wars against the characters/friends that come into DS's life that could derail him.

The Wars have nothing to do with other parents.

I guess you missed the part where OP had to mention their sibling’s laissez faire parenting style. That one tiny detail destroyed all credibility and exposed OP as a smug, judgmental super mommy who has been in battle to show that her parenting style is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like I won the parenting wars"

I don't get this. War against whom?

Wars against lack of motivation at exactly the wrong time. Wars against alcohol and rampant drug use at his dmv private. Wars against telegram that delivers drugs like Doordash to kids neighborhoods (yeah, we were horrified to learn this one). Wars against house parties gone amok. Wars against teen rebellion and teen anxiety. Wars against brain rot from the phone. Wars against the system (knowing how soon to get SAT prep, when to set high standards and when to pull back). Wars against the characters/friends that come into DS's life that could derail him.

The Wars have nothing to do with other parents.

If he was doing this things in HS when you should have been there and had more control, he will certainly be doing these things or worse in college.

You won the “we got over this one hump” war, not the parenting war. You still need to keep working because I would be terrified to send this kid away to college on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like I won the parenting wars"

I don't get this. War against whom?

Wars against lack of motivation at exactly the wrong time. Wars against alcohol and rampant drug use at his dmv private. Wars against telegram that delivers drugs like Doordash to kids neighborhoods (yeah, we were horrified to learn this one). Wars against house parties gone amok. Wars against teen rebellion and teen anxiety. Wars against brain rot from the phone. Wars against the system (knowing how soon to get SAT prep, when to set high standards and when to pull back). Wars against the characters/friends that come into DS's life that could derail him.

The Wars have nothing to do with other parents.

Wow. Those seem heavy waters to navigate what with all that money and privilege weighing you down.

Yes. Fully acknowledge we have a lot of money and privilege. And there are elements of luck at play as well, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all along you thought it was a competition? Huh. Try some grace and humility.

Yeah, it would be easier to celebrate OP if she weren't so judgmental of others.

This is OP. I wasn't trying to be judgemental of others. Was more celebrating self and husband and son and hitting this milestone. And thinking there might be others feeling the same given the years long process. It never occurred to me that those not getting accepted in ed1 were "losers," most certainly, all will find great schools later in the process. We were fully prepared to keep going if ed1 didn't work out.

Then why did you have to mention your sibling’s different parenting style? You could’ve told your whole story with all the challenges you faced, how you responded and not mentioned that. Why was it included?

[Anonymous]

Congratulations! I truly am happy for you.

But honestly, I thought your post would be a lot different when I saw the title. I think of the “parenting wars” as breastfeed/no breastfeeding, sleep training/no sleep training, daycare/no daycare. Not “help your kid/don’t help your kid” as you are implying.

You have one kid and was able to devote a lot of time to him. That’s great, I hope that he has a fantastic time I don’t know who is shaming you for that, but your story isn’t as unique as you might think. My senior was in therapy for years for intense anxiety. They have friends who were hospitalized for suicide attempts. Major eating disorders. You would be surprised at what others have gone through quietly.

[Anonymous]

Are you really moving near the college, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post seems fake and designed to elicit outrage.

It's not fake. Definitely not trying to elicit outrage. The process to get one's child successfully through high school and into the best university where they will have the most opportunities lasts for years. I imagine many parents feel this way when their child is accepted to elite schools. It is a marker of a certain level of accomplishment. Especially if there were bumps along the way. Why would this post elicit outrage?

Because your kid seems kind of f**ked up and it appears you helicoptered him to a top 10 school.

Most people reading your post (especially someone like me with an adjusted kid at a top 10 school) don’t see your kid having a great experience.

You should be far more concerned about kids mental health than the fact that kid got into an elite school. It does not seem like you are or, to the extent you are, you are thinking opportunities and respurces provided by an elite school are best for his mental health issues. 9 times out of 10, that is not the case.

This.

I was this kid. 1 trip to the hospital in HS for alcohol poisoning. Multiple times throwing up in front of my parents after drinking too much. But they thought it was all ok because I was getting good grades still and doing my sport. They said “no more drinking”, I said ok, and they believed me as if they never heard of alcoholism.

Fast forward to college and there was another - worse - trip to the hospital and an overnight in jail. That’s what finally made me realize no one else was going to care about me - I needed to get my shit together myself.

BUT college isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. His mental health issues are not gone, they’re there under the surface. You need to be tuned in more than ever and make sure he has the right supports where he will be.

I think this is the problem with the younger generations. Parents have taught their kids that getting into college is the end game. It is not. It’s just the beginning.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing this! Your words are motivation to keep supporting our son. He is similar to you in that he excels in his varsity sport and has great grades, but there is always more going on. It is always easy to assume things are going well, because we as parents want to believe that. But staying on top of substances, mental health, stress is important, as you mention.

We plan to continue with therapy. And of course just talking as much as possible. Encouraging reduced stress which seems as though it can get out of control at these schools. You are right, this is just the beginning.