DH wants to pay for his older sister’s intervention and inpatient rehab

[Anonymous]

Op, many couple keep their finances separate. From the start. Harder if you haven't been doing that from the beginning. He would feel the expense. Not the two of you so much. Op, you might consider a post-nuptial agreement, do it legally. Have it drawn-up. You have that done, and without drama

[Anonymous]

Can you and DH have one meeting with an addiction counselor or whoever advises on the roadmap for this kind of issue? Maybe she needs to be evicted/hit rock bottom before agreeing to go to rehab.

And yes- the mom needs to be financially responsible to the point that she can; or at the very least change her estate plans to reimburse your family for any expenses related to the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Work is not happening, OP. I don't know if there's addiction or a mental health issue or both, but it's hard to find a job these days, especially if you don't have a work history and are on the older side.

Yes, that’s a shame, but not my problem.

2. It's useless to pay for rehab or whatever your husband is talking about. She's not getting better. That's money down the drain! Put your foot down.

I agree.

3. What you two need to do is TALK to the sister. Does she even want your help?

DH talked to her. She did not want his help. Hence why he is trying to go the intervention route.

4. You can perhaps agree to paying a modest rent on a studio, and her mother is responsible for food support or medical appointments or whatever else she needs.

No, we can not afford to support another adult.

5. PAY THE BILL DIRECTLY. Do not give SIL the money.

I will not be paying any bills for SIL. She should find another means to take care of herself. If not, an overdose is probably the best option for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

But why graduate or work full-time if someone else will just take care of things for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may not be capable of working. You say she was in an accident with a significant settlement and that it occurred awhile ago. Significant sums are not given for minor non disabling accidents. To also say she’s addicted to opioids. Add to that, she’s been out of the workforce for awhile.

Not sure what you’re looking for here other than to complain. But honestly if my sibling would benefit from an intervention and rehab I’d do what I could to pay for it. It’s better than a dead sibling. But you’re not the sibling and you clearly despise your SIL.

Same. You guys are headed for divorce.

And maybe that is the answer. DH may divorce DW because she hates his family. And once it is just his income contributing (after splitting assets), he might think twice about paying for his sister. It's all very sad.

That’s the real irony.

Once he only has access to the money that he earns, I bet he also won’t be able to afford to drop 50K on his sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you and DH have one meeting with an addiction counselor or whoever advises on the roadmap for this kind of issue? Maybe she needs to be evicted/hit rock bottom before agreeing to go to rehab.

And yes- the mom needs to be financially responsible to the point that she can; or at the very least change her estate plans to reimburse your family for any expenses related to the sister.

MIL should be encouraged to change her will to leave everything to her daughter in a special needs trust so the burden of supporting her does not fall to OP and her son.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you post that the SIL has never worked? If that’s the case, how old was the SIL when she received the settlement? Your SIL should be eligible for some services, especially if she has a disability (from the accident). Someone (your DH, siblings or even you) need to determine your SIL is eligible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you and DH have one meeting with an addiction counselor or whoever advises on the roadmap for this kind of issue? Maybe she needs to be evicted/hit rock bottom before agreeing to go to rehab.

And yes- the mom needs to be financially responsible to the point that she can; or at the very least change her estate plans to reimburse your family for any expenses related to the sister.

MIL should be encouraged to change her will to leave everything to her daughter in a special needs trust so the burden of supporting her does not fall to OP and her son.

This is another great idea- I didn't think of that one for addiction issues, but you're right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you and DH have one meeting with an addiction counselor or whoever advises on the roadmap for this kind of issue? Maybe she needs to be evicted/hit rock bottom before agreeing to go to rehab.

And yes- the mom needs to be financially responsible to the point that she can; or at the very least change her estate plans to reimburse your family for any expenses related to the sister.

MIL should be encouraged to change her will to leave everything to her daughter in a special needs trust so the burden of supporting her does not fall to OP and her son.

Yes, absolutely agree.

[Anonymous]

I have not read the entire thread but I would highly recommend AlAnon for your and your husband.

Does the sister want to get clean? If not you are throwing good money after bad.

$10,000 sounds like a large amount of money to talk with her about recovery. Can't your husband talk to her directly and see if she wants recovery? That would save the $10,000.

Where does your sister live? There are free or reduced cost programs out there. My brother qualified for a free 4 week program through the State of Maryland and something connected with John Hopkins. He was told Maryland would only pay for one stint in rehab.

There are also IOP's available.

Check out AlAnon for you.

Be aware that there are no magical rehabs out there to get people clean and sober unless the person wants to be clean and work a recovery program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

I don’t know if DH never asked, or if he just doesn’t believe whatever she has told him. He himself has admitted numerous times that he thinks she is a liar. When they were in high school, she added her name on his cell phone plan that he was paying for and when confronted, she lied about it. This is just one of numerous stories about her taking advantage of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

Maybe there wasn't a graduation ceremony and OP assumes the degree may not have happened. I never attended mine but I definitely have a degree even though I don't display it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are the WORST kind a person. A total POS. If his sister wants help for the love of g-d help her!

We can not afford it.

It’s her life. As someone who has lost a sibling I’d pay any amount of money to get them back.