DH wants to pay for his older sister’s intervention and inpatient rehab

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would tell your H that the following are non-negotiable:

Marriage counseling
Full repayment or legal repayment plan from MIL by x date

I would also urge you to strongly consider how your finances are structured. I would be very concerned about H giving more $. I understand you gave in on the 10k (see above: marriage counseling) but I would want to safeguard assets.

Of course most of us want to help our family members, but not everyone can afford to offer financial help. And in this case it was essentially burning $10k for nothing. It isn’t cruel to make sure you and your family are ok.

Agree with this.
MIL is really poisoning her relationship with DIL here. The sister with the problem is negatively affecting more lives and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: We did the intervention on the condition the MIL pay for it. She gave us an IOU.

In the period between scheduling the intervention, DH found out that MIL has been paying for all of SIL’s bills (rent, car insurance, phone, credit card, etc.) and that SIL is on Medicaid, so intervention[i] would be fully paid for by state.

Intervention day comes and she agrees to go. Gets to the facility and she tells the people she doesn’t think she has a problem, so they can’t admit her. Talk to another facility and they say the same thing.

So DH and I are out the money. Yah!

Sorry, I miswrote and hence the confusion. I meant that rehab would be paid for by medicaid (up to 45 days). The intervention was out of pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would tell your H that the following are non-negotiable:

Marriage counseling
Full repayment or legal repayment plan from MIL by x date

I would also urge you to strongly consider how your finances are structured. I would be very concerned about H giving more $. I understand you gave in on the 10k (see above: marriage counseling) but I would want to safeguard assets.

Of course most of us want to help our family members, but not everyone can afford to offer financial help. And in this case it was essentially burning $10k for nothing. It isn’t cruel to make sure you and your family are ok.

Agree with this.
MIL is really poisoning her relationship with DIL here. The sister with the problem is negatively affecting more lives and relationships.

Not only that but this affecting things between DH and I as well, as he seems to be obsessing over trying to "fix" her.

[Anonymous]

what's the point of an intervention if they just accept an addict at their word, saying they dont need help? I thought the point of intervention was when other people recognized the problem. Maybe you cant legally force an adult into rehab/detox.

anyway, OP, it sucks and it hurts, but you also kind of know where things stand. You are off the hook now for SIL and for MIL. An expensive lesson but hopefully one your spouse has now learned. I'm surprised you can't get at least some of the money back if she didn't even attend, though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what's the point of an intervention if they just accept an addict at their word, saying they dont need help? I thought the point of intervention was when other people recognized the problem. Maybe you cant legally force an adult into rehab/detox.

anyway, OP, it sucks and it hurts, but you also kind of know where things stand. You are off the hook now for SIL and for MIL. An expensive lesson but hopefully one your spouse has now learned. I'm surprised you can't get at least some of the money back if she didn't even attend, though?

An intervention is a third party, usually not the rehab center. I think the point is to convince the addict to get help.

My issue is that DH claimed the intervention would be a last resort and he would step away from his sister’s problem and his mother’s enablement but he’s only gotten more entwined with them since.

[Anonymous]

You need to get your husband to attend AlAnon meetings if you possibly can. If you need to go with him to get him to go, do it!! He is wasting so much emotional energy and money on something he really has zero ability to influence or control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His older sister is in mid-50’s and he suspects opioid addiction. She does not work and has never worked full-time as long as we’ve been married (16 years). We suspect she has been paying for her lifestyle from an accident settlement a while ago, but think the money is running out, as she has been late making her apartment payments the last few years (as evidenced by one eviction and now numerous proceedings from the apartment company against her).

He looked into doing an intervention which will cost $10k flat. But when I asked him how much the rehab would cost, he could not say. I just did a quick google search and it says anywhere from $6k-$50k out of pocket.

I’m fuming as I have literally worked since before I was 16, took out student loans, paid them off, live financially conservatively and responsibly. Meanwhile his sister has coasted, had her college tuition paid for from their parents, barely worked as long as I have known her. I agreed with him that we could help pay for her intervention, but he should at least look at the cost for rehab before committing to anything. Also their mother is living, retired (also never worked a day in her life), lives in a nice paid off condo, drives a Mercedes. I asked DH about her contribution to paying for her daughter and he seems to not want to broach it with her.

I’ve always known his sister would someday be an issue, but wasn’t expecting this sort of financial burden. Originally I was thinking DH and I could just split our finances, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t want to be in a marriage with separate finances, and this is a deal-breaker for me.

Unless she really wants to quit, don't waste your money.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't want to quit even if forced into rehab she will start using again. That is why it is called addiction.
If DH won't go to AlAnonyou are going to have to choose financial ruin or divorce.
Codependence is a like an addiction to trying to save the addict. He will never demand the IOU money, you know that right?
I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, many couple keep their finances separate. From the start. Harder if you haven't been doing that from the beginning. He would feel the expense. Not the two of you so much. Op, you might consider a post-nuptial agreement, do it legally. Have it drawn-up. You have that done, and without drama

This is the way to go, OP. If your husband wants to pay for his sister, let him. From now on you keep your finances separate. First you both have to pay your mortgage and bills and for paper towels. Whatever is left over he can contribute to his sister. If you don’t feel like there’s anything left in his bucket after he pays all her rehab expenses to the point that you’re not even enjoying life with him, ie, vacations, date nights, etc, well then you have a decision to make. And make him aware that if this happens long term, you’ll find a more fulfilling life elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is old enough to not need any financial support from her family.
She has made certain life choices that she and only she should face whatever consequences that may arise.

Can your husband maybe just pay for a portion of her treatment?
Though I don’t know who would pay for the rest of it….

Since you two are married, you are considered a unit and both parties should be in full agreement before such a large amount of $$ is spent.

If you are not on board w/this expenditure then your husband should refrain from doling it all out imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, many couple keep their finances separate. From the start. Harder if you haven't been doing that from the beginning. He would feel the expense. Not the two of you so much. Op, you might consider a post-nuptial agreement, do it legally. Have it drawn-up. You have that done, and without drama

This is the way to go, OP. If your husband wants to pay for his sister, let him. From now on you keep your finances separate. First you both have to pay your mortgage and bills and for paper towels. Whatever is left over he can contribute to his sister. If you don’t feel like there’s anything left in his bucket after he pays all her rehab expenses to the point that you’re not even enjoying life with him, ie, vacations, date nights, etc, well then you have a decision to make. And make him aware that if this happens long term, you’ll find a more fulfilling life elsewhere.

Yes. This is a reasonable approach.