Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

Not drinking or using drugs, and caring for your own kids, is literally the bare minimum. Not even the bare minimum, that’s just basic adulting.

Step it up at home. Why should she work AND be the default parent? Parenting should be split 50/50.

+1

You don't get extra credit for fulfilling basic adult responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

Not drinking or using drugs, and caring for your own kids, is literally the bare minimum. Not even the bare minimum, that’s just basic adulting.

Step it up at home. Why should she work AND be the default parent? Parenting should be split 50/50.

+1

You don't get extra credit for fulfilling basic adult responsibilities.

PP is the perfect example of why so many women are miserable.

[Anonymous]

Change you expectations or just get a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women in your life who love you warned you, gave you the truth.

Are you in a non-consensual or arranged marriage?

OP has done pretty well in her choice of DH compared to a lot of women. I bet many women who love her cannot even get their DHs to do what hers does.

Because the standard for men is that low.

Or prrhaps the standard for women is too high? Who cares about Christmas when work is killing you? A plastic tree from Walmart and the first doll or car you can grab from there is just fine.

But men want all those things. They just don't want to do it

They want them, but they don't need them. Neither do women. Women can let some of it go if it will reduce their stress.

Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

[Anonymous]

It’s unconscious, but this is about establishing power in the relationship. No modern man would say to his wife “I’m the leader of this household,” but they communicate in this more subtle, non-verbal way.
By framing the relationship in a way where she just does things, but he has to be asked to do normal things like clean the house, watch the kids, prepare food, or buy Christmas presents, he (likely unconsciously) asserts that he is the more powerful person in the relationship without actually having to say it.

That’s what you are resentful about, OP. It isn’t the “mental load.” It’s that he is treating you as “lesser than” he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

This response is terrible but PP can’t recognize it. There isn’t any appreciation for his DW or empathy. His post is aggressively boasting about everything he does, but also he admits that his DW is stuck being the default parent. Also a strange mention of salary and sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP did not mention how many children and their ages. I realize you want a nice holiday for your children, but sometimes, YOUR expectations are too high. You need to love and be present with your children —everything else isn’t important. What can you cut out? Personally, I dumped the Christmas cards and did less decorating. I see plenty of posts of people who travel every holiday and school break. This was too stressful for me. Pick and choose what is best for you, don’t fall for the commercialism. Happy holidays.

Even the bare minimum is a lot if it’s one person managing it along with a full time job and a DH who expects his wife to manage it all.

Planning a Christmas dinner
Buying presents
Christmas tree
Childcare when school is closed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

So let him whine.

If whining is dictating your behavior, set a boundary for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

Yes. Or lighten your load. Go out to eat for Christmas. Get a conman to hang your lights. Buy gifts for your side of the family only. Whatever works for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

So let him whine.

If whining is dictating your behavior, set a boundary for yourself.

Yes but where women lose out is that we care about our children. Most women won’t accept our kids not receiving gifts on Christmas or not having wrapped presents. We sacrifice ourselves to take care of our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

Yes. Or lighten your load. Go out to eat for Christmas. Get a conman to hang your lights. Buy gifts for your side of the family only. Whatever works for you

Company not conman lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.