DH filed for divorce without discussion

[Anonymous]

How is she going to do that with no job or income?

[Anonymous]

Where did OP say the STBX is cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Go back to former state w kids and get a job. He is unstable. Get a very good lawyer, versed in mental disorders, games, and trauma (yours).

OP and as much as I like that fantasy I’m pretty sure that I cannot move during divorce proceedings and that an out of state move would be a major negotiation as part of a custody agreement.

That is not true. She can move she has to do it strategically she has to move to a place that she was previously she has to move to a place that she has a support system. She has to move to a place where she had a job previously and can get a job there’s a lot of things the court will take into account if she moves strategically

This is a very risky gambit that OP would need to discuss with her lawyer. Not only would it make a low conflict settlement impossible, but it could also greatly piss off the judge and result in OP losing custody. It also may constitute kidnapping in some jurisdictions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Go back to former state w kids and get a job. He is unstable. Get a very good lawyer, versed in mental disorders, games, and trauma (yours).

OP and as much as I like that fantasy I’m pretty sure that I cannot move during divorce proceedings and that an out of state move would be a major negotiation as part of a custody agreement.

That is not true. She can move she has to do it strategically she has to move to a place that she was previously she has to move to a place that she has a support system. She has to move to a place where she had a job previously and can get a job there’s a lot of things the court will take into account if she moves strategically

The court will consider it kidnapping if she moves her child out of state so maybe you should pipe down. This is uninformed advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a huge gut punch, but practically speaking, your resolution options are the same as they were yesterday. Some people file first to get a court date and encourage a swift settlement, but they still negotiate and/or mediate, and never go to trial.

Even if you are approaching your trial date (which is probably January or February), continuances are common and customary.

Don’t feel pressured to give up something you don’t want to just because the clock is ticking.

Yes you are right. But by going to filing he is putting us straight into discussing things like custody via the court system. I think he is naive about the fire he’s thrown us both into. I certainly am not and can see that this is going to be a very difficult few months. Our child just started a new school, settled into new sports team after tryouts, and has made new friends on the neighborhood.

If DH had paused for 30 seconds and used his brain we could have at least negotiated with mediators toward something that gave our child a full school year without disruption, and it still would have achieved the same end result he desires. I don’t give a crap about me at this point, but to disregard our kid in the process is next level awfulness.

OP take a breath. Just because he filed does not mean you cannot use mediation. In fact most family courts will order you to mediation. This does not mean you are going to a trial.

It does mean that he is dictating the pace and has taken the opening move. But you will get your own lawyer to get up to speed.

In many ways, filing in court can be beneficial because it gets everyone focused on resolution. Unless you have reason to believe he is going to be unreasonable and force a trial, all this means is that he is serious about getting divorced and wants it to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout.

Jokes on me. Kid and I were supposed to go on a quick trip next week before school started and DH was going to meet with some workers at the house and watch the dog (dogsitter/ranches all booked because of the holiday week). At the “last minute” early last week, a work trip for this week popped up. Conveniently.

I have been talking to friends all evening sharing the amount of information that is appropriate and one of them might be able to take my kid for a morning if any of the attorneys are in town next week. Pray they’re haven’t already been conflicted out by DH.

Go on the trip. You can talk to the lawyers on the phone there. This is a marathon not a sprint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did OP say the STBX is cheating?

She didn’t. But men typically are not this decisive unless they have another option in the wings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a huge gut punch, but practically speaking, your resolution options are the same as they were yesterday. Some people file first to get a court date and encourage a swift settlement, but they still negotiate and/or mediate, and never go to trial.

Even if you are approaching your trial date (which is probably January or February), continuances are common and customary.

Don’t feel pressured to give up something you don’t want to just because the clock is ticking.

Yes you are right. But by going to filing he is putting us straight into discussing things like custody via the court system. I think he is naive about the fire he’s thrown us both into. I certainly am not and can see that this is going to be a very difficult few months. Our child just started a new school, settled into new sports team after tryouts, and has made new friends on the neighborhood.

If DH had paused for 30 seconds and used his brain we could have at least negotiated with mediators toward something that gave our child a full school year without disruption, and it still would have achieved the same end result he desires. I don’t give a crap about me at this point, but to disregard our kid in the process is next level awfulness.

I'm so sorry, OP. I know a couple where the wife is doing what your husband did. Her complete and utter disregard for their kid is shocking. I hope you can lean on a support system somewhere, even it means flying in friends or family to help you sometimes.

My friends are mostly on the other side of the country but I was up late talking to local friends and my mom on the other side of the country. Who is legally blind and can’t drive and struggles to fly alone and is like “I’ll get on the plane tomorrow and I’ll kill him with my bare hands.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout.

Jokes on me. Kid and I were supposed to go on a quick trip next week before school started and DH was going to meet with some workers at the house and watch the dog (dogsitter/ranches all booked because of the holiday week). At the “last minute” early last week, a work trip for this week popped up. Conveniently.

I have been talking to friends all evening sharing the amount of information that is appropriate and one of them might be able to take my kid for a morning if any of the attorneys are in town next week. Pray they’re haven’t already been conflicted out by DH.

Go on the trip. You can talk to the lawyers on the phone there. This is a marathon not a sprint.

I can’t. DH was going to WFH with the dog and we don’t have a dogsitter or spot at a dog camp. All of DH’s stuff is here and he’s been coming a few times a week to eat dinner with us and watch our kid’s activities. I thought he was being true to what we had discussed- taking some time and space to regroup. Apparently he was happy to eat off plates I had washed and grab laundry I’d washed last month before going off to his lawyer’s lair.

I didn’t fully understand when he told me last night because I was a wreck but the *actual filing* is happening and I’m being served next week. Which may be why he hightailed out of town and forced me to stay in town.

Who serves the mother of his child?

Monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did OP say the STBX is cheating?

OP and I didn’t. I have know idea what he is doing or thinking. I don’t know if this is a deeper phase of his mental health struggles, an indication of even worse mental health problems, or something like cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a lawyer. Can you say what state you are in? In VA I was advised not to hurry up and get a job bc I was a stay at home mom who allowed my husband to be successful at his job. She said that it is standard that I get about 50% of his pay after taxes. Again this is in VA and I was married over 20 years.
I also had a sneak attack lawyer send me divorce papers. There is no worse feeling in the world. I wish I could hug you; it is so so hard.
Hang in there; if he is mentally unstable you are better off without him. And it sounds like he is either unstable or a complete A-hole.

You got terrible legal advice. Please don’t share it further.

Why is this horrible legal advice? I was literally sharing my experience. Maybe I had a good lawyer, maybe you don’t know Virginia’s laws, but this is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Opposite of precarious. He has a huge promotion getting press released after Labor Day but already accounted for in his pay grade and title as of last week. Extensive deferred compensation, etc. God help me.

If you have documentation that the promotion is already done, make sure you keep it. He may have filed now so that you don't get alimony based on the promotion. Timing VERY coincidental, if not.

Unfortunately I can't access anything in his laptop or his employee portal- I only have the overheard conversations and what he told me as the offer was building and he was debating which role to accept. I do have written notes in our shared tax portal from a conversation with our tax guy that show anticipation of certain shorter-term compensation if the offer came through, but I know there is much more significant awards that would happen in years 2-5. I live in a tech-heavy area so the good news is that there are divorce attorneys that specialize in settlements that address this kind of deferred compensation that's common in tech.

Your lawyers can get this information from his employer. I doubt they'd be willing to lie for him.

OP and I think he thought this would be very straightforward and he would walk away with piles of “his” money. I’m not sure if he’s considered how our kid fits into this and is probably imagining coming home to them in our house every night without realizing that’s not what it will look like if the primary parent had been kicked out of that life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a lawyer. Can you say what state you are in? In VA I was advised not to hurry up and get a job bc I was a stay at home mom who allowed my husband to be successful at his job. She said that it is standard that I get about 50% of his pay after taxes. Again this is in VA and I was married over 20 years.
I also had a sneak attack lawyer send me divorce papers. There is no worse feeling in the world. I wish I could hug you; it is so so hard.
Hang in there; if he is mentally unstable you are better off without him. And it sounds like he is either unstable or a complete A-hole.

You got terrible legal advice. Please don’t share it further.

Why is this horrible legal advice? I was literally sharing my experience. Maybe I had a good lawyer, maybe you don’t know Virginia’s laws, but this is real.

OP and I’m not in VA and from the quick look I’ve done I would be ill-advised to even take my kid on a vacation out of state right now, never mind an out of state move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did OP say the STBX is cheating?

OP and I didn’t. I have know idea what he is doing or thinking. I don’t know if this is a deeper phase of his mental health struggles, an indication of even worse mental health problems, or something like cheating.

How is he getting promoted if he's mentally going off the rails?

Obviously this is a bit disastrous and it sounds like you've been arguing hotly.

Can you ask him to postpone the service for two weeks. And see if he can talk to somebody about meds if he's even willing? Is he depressed or manic?

Is he being at all engaged with the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Opposite of precarious. He has a huge promotion getting press released after Labor Day but already accounted for in his pay grade and title as of last week. Extensive deferred compensation, etc. God help me.

What state? How long have you been married?

A state where our 12 year marriage will probably get me 3-5 years alimony at less than 50% of his income at most, based on what I’m finding. -OP

I guess I’ll know soon enough.

And as young and as you are, it shouldn’t be longer or more.

DP