DH filed for divorce without discussion

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP.

You sound rational and calm in spite of the circumstances, which speaks well of you and your ability to get through this. DH sounds like he’s in a long spiral, but maintaining your composure will help buffer yourself, and especially your child, as you navigate the process.

In addition to the good advice to document as much as you can, when you have a chance, you might find writings/videos by Bill Eddy on communicating effectively during divorce with difficult people helpful (eg, Splitting).

Best to you.

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer on Monday, but what I would do is move back to wherever your family is or wherever you were before, and where you previously had a job, but you have a support system and enroll your child in school. Get a job there.

Even if you have to stay with family and declare that your residency.

Do not get stuck in someplace that you can’t find a job and you do not have a support system.

You are not divorced yet you can move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is a joint checking account, you might take out a reasonable amount to enable you to consult a couple of lawyers and have living expenses for you and DC - just in case you DH decides to empty accounts.

I would print out all current statements on all accounts tonight. Also make copies of all pertinent legal and financial information.

You need to try to get into see a lawyer on Monday for how to proceed as soon as possible including having your lawyer serve your husband with a Pendente Lite request for spousal support and child support during the divorce process. And to send legal notice not to try and empty out joint accounts. He obviously set you up with no notice.

You can take out half.

No, you can’t take half if that’s gonna make your family default on all their bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse but that week isn't going to make a difference. Take the time to soak up the last week of summer with your child. Since your husband is out of the house hopefully you will be able to have some peaceful time (I know, having the impending divorce may affect that but at your husband isn't there?). Then once your child goes back to school you can get a lawyer and get started. Also, I would talk to your doctor and get a prescription for a sleep aid (Lunesta, etc.). It's hard to sleep when you're stressed and being sleep deprived won't help anything. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Go back to former state w kids and get a job. He is unstable. Get a very good lawyer, versed in mental disorders, games, and trauma (yours).

OP and as much as I like that fantasy I’m pretty sure that I cannot move during divorce proceedings and that an out of state move would be a major negotiation as part of a custody agreement.

That is not true. She can move she has to do it strategically she has to move to a place that she was previously she has to move to a place that she has a support system. She has to move to a place where she had a job previously and can get a job there’s a lot of things the court will take into account if she moves strategically

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About his promotion and extended pay grade - I would mention that to your lawyer, that seems sneaky and like it should be taken into consideration when figuring out alimony.

+1

I knew someone once who asked for his massive bonus (not an annual thing but a one-time payment) to be paid after his divorce was settled. (I didn't know this person personally, my friend worked with him and he had asked her to defer the payment of his bonus).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to a woman I worked with. Her hubby moved entire family for job, had affair at new location and dumped her. She had to reinvent herself—school, new career etc at 50+. She did great! Wishing you strength and resolve and alimony!

I also know someone who moved for a woman he had knocked up on a previous work trip. Once they were settled, he surprised his wife with the divorce and moved in with his pregnant mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a huge gut punch, but practically speaking, your resolution options are the same as they were yesterday. Some people file first to get a court date and encourage a swift settlement, but they still negotiate and/or mediate, and never go to trial.

Even if you are approaching your trial date (which is probably January or February), continuances are common and customary.

Don’t feel pressured to give up something you don’t want to just because the clock is ticking.

Yes you are right. But by going to filing he is putting us straight into discussing things like custody via the court system. I think he is naive about the fire he’s thrown us both into. I certainly am not and can see that this is going to be a very difficult few months. Our child just started a new school, settled into new sports team after tryouts, and has made new friends on the neighborhood.

If DH had paused for 30 seconds and used his brain we could have at least negotiated with mediators toward something that gave our child a full school year without disruption, and it still would have achieved the same end result he desires. I don’t give a crap about me at this point, but to disregard our kid in the process is next level awfulness.

I'm so sorry, OP. I know a couple where the wife is doing what your husband did. Her complete and utter disregard for their kid is shocking. I hope you can lean on a support system somewhere, even it means flying in friends or family to help you sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Opposite of precarious. He has a huge promotion getting press released after Labor Day but already accounted for in his pay grade and title as of last week. Extensive deferred compensation, etc. God help me.

If you have documentation that the promotion is already done, make sure you keep it. He may have filed now so that you don't get alimony based on the promotion. Timing VERY coincidental, if not.

Unfortunately I can't access anything in his laptop or his employee portal- I only have the overheard conversations and what he told me as the offer was building and he was debating which role to accept. I do have written notes in our shared tax portal from a conversation with our tax guy that show anticipation of certain shorter-term compensation if the offer came through, but I know there is much more significant awards that would happen in years 2-5. I live in a tech-heavy area so the good news is that there are divorce attorneys that specialize in settlements that address this kind of deferred compensation that's common in tech.

Your lawyers can get this information from his employer. I doubt they'd be willing to lie for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prediction: he moved there for a woman, not a job. Ask me how I know!

Doubt he would've bought the house if that's the case.

Maybe be wanted to keep the wife and kid close, just in case things didn’t work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a lawyer on Monday, but what I would do is move back to wherever your family is or wherever you were before, and where you previously had a job, but you have a support system and enroll your child in school. Get a job there.

Even if you have to stay with family and declare that your residency.

Do not get stuck in someplace that you can’t find a job and you do not have a support system.

You are not divorced yet you can move.

No, she cannot just move back to where they used to live. Under the UCCJEA their current residence is now the home state jurisdiction of the children, because they have been there more than six months. A divorce with child custody issues has already been filed; the court will force her back to the home state jurisdiction and she will be penalized for taking the children away, especially if she does so against the express wishes of her husband. If he agrees for her to go, she had better get it in writing or recorded, in case he tells the court otherwise later. If he doesn't agree, the court will look on it as parental kidnapping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Go back to former state w kids and get a job. He is unstable. Get a very good lawyer, versed in mental disorders, games, and trauma (yours).

OP and as much as I like that fantasy I’m pretty sure that I cannot move during divorce proceedings and that an out of state move would be a major negotiation as part of a custody agreement.

That is not true. She can move she has to do it strategically she has to move to a place that she was previously she has to move to a place that she has a support system. She has to move to a place where she had a job previously and can get a job there’s a lot of things the court will take into account if she moves strategically

YOU ARE WRONG! Stop giving dangerously wrong legal advice on the internet, PLEASE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Opposite of precarious. He has a huge promotion getting press released after Labor Day but already accounted for in his pay grade and title as of last week. Extensive deferred compensation, etc. God help me.

If you have documentation that the promotion is already done, make sure you keep it. He may have filed now so that you don't get alimony based on the promotion. Timing VERY coincidental, if not.

This. He may have expedited the divorce to try to prevent an increase in alimony. Do what you need to do to drag out things so the increased salary promised now, to be delivered in the future, is taken into account. A crack lawyer will know how to do it. I think there are lawyers in this area experienced with deferred stock options and bonuses because this is common in the high tech corridor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking back, did you and DH have some issues even before the relocation?

The reason I ask is that I used to practice family law and on more than one occasion I've seen men push a relocation for a work opportunity which was also meant to give him the advantage in a coming custody battle, once the six months establishment of home state jurisdiction over the children under UCCJEA came into play.

You won't be able to relocate from where you are living now for your own work opportunity or to be nearer to extended family and take your children with you without his express permission; he will have the advantage for primary physical custody if you want to move more than an hour away, because where you live now is now is the default home jurisdiction of the children. The burden would be on you to convince the court that taking the kids from their father is justified by whatever work opportunity or family connections that exist in the place you wish to relocate to.

Sorry this is happening to you - a great many men are selfish beasts and it sounds like yours ended up being one.

If my husband did this honestly I would give him primary custody and only visit my kids on weekends rebuilding life.
Let him and his new paramour spend their time and resources on kids

[Anonymous]

Might he not mind if you move back to your home state with your kid?