DH filed for divorce without discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout.

Jokes on me. Kid and I were supposed to go on a quick trip next week before school started and DH was going to meet with some workers at the house and watch the dog (dogsitter/ranches all booked because of the holiday week). At the “last minute” early last week, a work trip for this week popped up. Conveniently.

I have been talking to friends all evening sharing the amount of information that is appropriate and one of them might be able to take my kid for a morning if any of the attorneys are in town next week. Pray they’re haven’t already been conflicted out by DH.

Go on the trip. You can talk to the lawyers on the phone there. This is a marathon not a sprint.

I can’t. DH was going to WFH with the dog and we don’t have a dogsitter or spot at a dog camp. All of DH’s stuff is here and he’s been coming a few times a week to eat dinner with us and watch our kid’s activities. I thought he was being true to what we had discussed- taking some time and space to regroup. Apparently he was happy to eat off plates I had washed and grab laundry I’d washed last month before going off to his lawyer’s lair.

I didn’t fully understand when he told me last night because I was a wreck but the *actual filing* is happening and I’m being served next week. Which may be why he hightailed out of town and forced me to stay in town.

Who serves the mother of his child?

Monster.

Honey you need to calm down. Take this to a journal or your MySpace page. You’re not open to advice you appear to feel completely helpless- but you’re not. Calm down.

Is he abusive? Has he hurt you? Has he stolen your money? I don’t think someone is a monster just for filing for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in a state that does not mandate a separation period. DH and I have been having a very difficult time and he has had mental health struggles. He moved to a rental home we keep a few weeks ago to give us space.

He just emailed me that I will be receiving a divorce filing from his lawyer on Monday. On Friday at 4 pm. I do not have a lawyer and my child is home all week with me before school starts after Labor Day. He knows this.

We previously discussed mediation to determine how to set up a temporary separation or figuring out a longer term plan for fall. But I guess that is all off the table now and everything on my end going to have to be done via temporary orders?

And of course we relocated last year for his job even though I didn’t want to and I haven’t found a job yet and we just bought a house last November.

I’m going to faint.

He did this because he knew before your move he was going to divorce you

Ugh

Ladies be more aware!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did OP say the STBX is cheating?

OP and I didn’t. I have know idea what he is doing or thinking. I don’t know if this is a deeper phase of his mental health struggles, an indication of even worse mental health problems, or something like cheating.

How is he getting promoted if he's mentally going off the rails?

Obviously this is a bit disastrous and it sounds like you've been arguing hotly.

Can you ask him to postpone the service for two weeks. And see if he can talk to somebody about meds if he's even willing? Is he depressed or manic?

Is he being at all engaged with the kid?

This whole thing escalated in the first place because I asked him about medication after he lost his temper in a scary way towards our child. He stopped taking medication last year.

He has a sibling with borderline personality disorder and I’ve always been worried for the sibling, who alternates between holding high-powered jobs and occasionally going off the rails and even being hospitalized for self-harm.

Now I am worried that DH may have similar problems based on his behavior. DH is very successful at work but it is all he does and he pretty much collapses after work. They value his personality in his industry (alternately mercurial and affectless) and he travels to meet with different teams and clients frequently enough that I imagine he doesn’t have to keep up too many relationships beyond first impressions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prediction: he moved there for a woman, not a job. Ask me how I know!

Doubt he would've bought the house if that's the case.

Oh yes he would have

This story is as old as time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Wow- this is me 100%. He took everything- I had been out of the workforce for 12 years. With primary custody I recentered my career (sales) and was out earning him, - instead of being fateful to be off the hook for alimony or CS/ he chose to file for 50/50 the second he found out I was out earning him/ so that I’d have to pay him.

I worked my ASS off and thought it would help me. Nah. Sit back/ collect your check and f these pathetic leeches.

Wait, so you thought you could make more than him and not pay child support? And why should he have been grateful that a grown woman acted like a grown adult?

Men also work their ASS off and have to pay child support, why would the rules be different for a woman?

NP and also a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Opposite of precarious. He has a huge promotion getting press released after Labor Day but already accounted for in his pay grade and title as of last week. Extensive deferred compensation, etc. God help me.

What state? How long have you been married?

A state where our 12 year marriage will probably get me 3-5 years alimony at less than 50% of his income at most, based on what I’m finding. -OP

I guess I’ll know soon enough.

You are an able bodied adult, get a job. Don't be a deadbeat. Life and kids cost money - he should take on his share of parenting responsibilities and you should take on your share of financial responsibilities. And if either of you shirk major responsibilities of adulthood and parenting - you are both deadbeats. Women are more than capable of working and paying for their own needs and contributing to the needs for their kids. This idea that but I am a woman, so I can't do anything but have a man look after me and the kids needs to disappear.

Since when do women get paid equal to men? If she stayed home with kiddo she’s been out of the work force .

People saying she can just get a job in this economy to support herself are idiots

[Anonymous]

And to answer the other questions, no, he’s been weirdly disengaged with our child for the last 18 months or so but has always been a hands off parent.

He is not physically abusive but after secretly discontinuing his medication he became verbally aggressive and would try to physically intimidate me or scream me down if he was upset about something- so if I asked him where the school form was to upload and he didn’t want to answer me, he would start screaming things loudly enough for the neighbors to hear to get me to not ask and walk away. That’s when I got scared and started looking to see if the medication counts were changing or if refills were happening.

He hasn’t stolen my money but earlier this summer refused to transfer over money for basic living expenses (including groceries he ate) because he wanted to “build up our liquidity after the move” and “our bills were too high” so I documented using money from a separate pre-marital inherited account to cover those expenses.

[Anonymous]

Honestly you’re exhausting OP. He wants a divorce. He’s not a monster and you’re not a victim. You’re just two people getting a divorce. Drop the helplessness, find a dog sitter, get your hair done and put on your big girl pants. He doesn’t choose you anymore.‘I’m sorry because I know how much it hurts- but accept it and march on because this vilification of him and the whole “pearl clutching who DOES that routine won’t help you too divide your estate and move on.

[Anonymous]

Document it all. Did you video the verbal abuse? Verbal abuse by men is an intimidation tactic because it shows the threat of violence. It is very real. Document it all. Go write it down right now. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly you’re exhausting OP. He wants a divorce. He’s not a monster and you’re not a victim. You’re just two people getting a divorce. Drop the helplessness, find a dog sitter, get your hair done and put on your big girl pants. He doesn’t choose you anymore.‘I’m sorry because I know how much it hurts- but accept it and march on because this vilification of him and the whole “pearl clutching who DOES that routine won’t help you too divide your estate and move on.

This is so horrible. This woman is going through something life changing, something so devastating that it will change her forever.
What if she is the victim?
What is she needs our help?

[Anonymous]

No one cares about verbal abuse. It’s a sad truth of family court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did OP say the STBX is cheating?

OP and I didn’t. I have know idea what he is doing or thinking. I don’t know if this is a deeper phase of his mental health struggles, an indication of even worse mental health problems, or something like cheating.

How is he getting promoted if he's mentally going off the rails?

Obviously this is a bit disastrous and it sounds like you've been arguing hotly.

Can you ask him to postpone the service for two weeks. And see if he can talk to somebody about meds if he's even willing? Is he depressed or manic?

Is he being at all engaged with the kid?

This whole thing escalated in the first place because I asked him about medication after he lost his temper in a scary way towards our child. He stopped taking medication last year.

He has a sibling with borderline personality disorder and I’ve always been worried for the sibling, who alternates between holding high-powered jobs and occasionally going off the rails and even being hospitalized for self-harm.

Now I am worried that DH may have similar problems based on his behavior. DH is very successful at work but it is all he does and he pretty much collapses after work. They value his personality in his industry (alternately mercurial and affectless) and he travels to meet with different teams and clients frequently enough that I imagine he doesn’t have to keep up too many relationships beyond first impressions.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for you.

I have been close to a family situation where someone dealt with a mentally-ill breadwinner spouse for life (Bipolar).

I empathize with your uncertainty and anger about this but honestly you might be very happy to have your own peaceful household separated from someone who is at risk of cratering their job and life every few years. Your kid might also value having one peaceful home and parental relationship.

It's not unusual for mentally ill people to resent being medicated or to go off their medication protocol. And for that to be a flashpoint between spouses.

I can see where someone who is just barely holding it together might do better alone. Particularly with the new job responsibilities.

I would read up on how to handle flare-ups of the condition you think might be acting up. Try to figure out what might temporarily soothe such a person. Sounds like anger, impulsivity, control issues busting out all over the place. Perhaps the timing of the filing doesn't really mean more than your DH wanted to get a spot of revenge/act out this week. Perhaps you can still calm things down to whatever point you expected to reach before this announcement. Maybe you and your kid both need some agreed-upon strategies for handling him during the next few weeks. Sometimes a person like that will listen better and more kindly to a kid pushing back vs. a spouse. Consider that. It depends on family-specific factors.

Also consider that if your husband is overburdened by relationships, if you are calm and nice, maybe you can negotiate to move back to where you came from with primary custody. Videocalling is a wonderful way to stay in touch, even daily, that makes things different now vs. 10-15 years ago. I'm sure this might sound naive to some, but why not try for your preferred solution? If your husband wants to blow things up, maybe he'd be open to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly you’re exhausting OP. He wants a divorce. He’s not a monster and you’re not a victim. You’re just two people getting a divorce. Drop the helplessness, find a dog sitter, get your hair done and put on your big girl pants. He doesn’t choose you anymore.‘I’m sorry because I know how much it hurts- but accept it and march on because this vilification of him and the whole “pearl clutching who DOES that routine won’t help you too divide your estate and move on.

OP. I know he’s allowed to want to be done.

But someone who serves papers and doesn’t sit down like an adult with the parent of his child and say “let’s talk together and determine a plan that will best work for our child who just changed cities, moved twice in one year, settled into their house 6 months ago, made new friends, made the team, and starts a brand new school next week” and instead serves papers the week before the first week of school and leaves town deserves something more than “divide your estate and move on”.

No, let’s spend the first 3 months of the school year in litigation, especially when one parent is the primary parent doing everything at home and the other will be on 80% travel and can take quiet calls with their attorney from a desk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout.

Jokes on me. Kid and I were supposed to go on a quick trip next week before school started and DH was going to meet with some workers at the house and watch the dog (dogsitter/ranches all booked because of the holiday week). At the “last minute” early last week, a work trip for this week popped up. Conveniently.

I have been talking to friends all evening sharing the amount of information that is appropriate and one of them might be able to take my kid for a morning if any of the attorneys are in town next week. Pray they’re haven’t already been conflicted out by DH.

Go on the trip. You can talk to the lawyers on the phone there. This is a marathon not a sprint.

I can’t. DH was going to WFH with the dog and we don’t have a dogsitter or spot at a dog camp. All of DH’s stuff is here and he’s been coming a few times a week to eat dinner with us and watch our kid’s activities. I thought he was being true to what we had discussed- taking some time and space to regroup. Apparently he was happy to eat off plates I had washed and grab laundry I’d washed last month before going off to his lawyer’s lair.

I didn’t fully understand when he told me last night because I was a wreck but the *actual filing* is happening and I’m being served next week. Which may be why he hightailed out of town and forced me to stay in town.

Who serves the mother of his child?

Monster.

Take the dog with you on vacation or get local friends to dog sit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout.

Jokes on me. Kid and I were supposed to go on a quick trip next week before school started and DH was going to meet with some workers at the house and watch the dog (dogsitter/ranches all booked because of the holiday week). At the “last minute” early last week, a work trip for this week popped up. Conveniently.

I have been talking to friends all evening sharing the amount of information that is appropriate and one of them might be able to take my kid for a morning if any of the attorneys are in town next week. Pray they’re haven’t already been conflicted out by DH.

Go on the trip. You can talk to the lawyers on the phone there. This is a marathon not a sprint.

I can’t. DH was going to WFH with the dog and we don’t have a dogsitter or spot at a dog camp. All of DH’s stuff is here and he’s been coming a few times a week to eat dinner with us and watch our kid’s activities. I thought he was being true to what we had discussed- taking some time and space to regroup. Apparently he was happy to eat off plates I had washed and grab laundry I’d washed last month before going off to his lawyer’s lair.

I didn’t fully understand when he told me last night because I was a wreck but the *actual filing* is happening and I’m being served next week. Which may be why he hightailed out of town and forced me to stay in town.

Who serves the mother of his child?

Monster.

Take the dog with you on vacation or get local friends to dog sit.

Maybe we could find a large dog-friendly cabin or something? I should at least look even though I’m sure Labor Day week pickings will be slim. On the other hand, I’m afraid to be out of the house if DH has access to it.

I’m taking a box of sentimental things and documents to a friend’s today.