Logistics of separation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

The way you've structured things, his duty is to struggle to bring in 100% of the financial resources your family needs to survive. Your duty is to manage the household and children. If you expect him to share your load, are you planning to bring in money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

The way you've structured things, his duty is to struggle to bring in 100% of the financial resources your family needs to survive. Your duty is to manage the household and children. If you expect him to share your load, are you planning to bring in money?

OP here. Haven't visited in a few days.

Funny you ask that - I have been wanting to get a remote, ad-hoc, gig to help bring in some extra money, even if it's not a crazy amount. One, to hopefully bring in more funds, and two, so I can get a mental break from all kid stuff.

He has told me no so many times, I just don't bother bringing it up anymore. He says it will take too much of my time and take away from me raising the kids. So it just further reinforces to me that he doesn't want to pull his weight with child rearing.

As an aside, just a few hours ago he hit his head on the microwave, cussed, and slammed it shut so hard it scared everyone (including baby) in the house. I was in the middle of a virtual meeting at the dining table. It has been great.. he refuses to believe he has an anger problem so..

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your plans include suffering in silence until kids are off to college.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like your plans include suffering in silence until kids are off to college.

Best of luck!

OP here. I'm a stubborn as f**k person so it's pretty much impossible for me to be quiet about all my gripes. But that is basically the advice I got on this thread so I will have to do my d@mndest to figure out how to cope.

Feels like I'm a little premature on a mid-life crisis. My current way to cope has been completely upending my wardrobe (even though I never actually had one before) and buying colorful shirts, sweatshirts, and leggings. I was a person who actively avoided color clothes since adolescence.

So someone else mentioned I should focus on myself, and I plan to do that. New clothes to start. Wanna get some more ear piercings (only have one on each lobe) and maybe finally muster up enough courage to get a few small/medium size tattoos.

I plan to have my hair cut and dyed (nothing crazy) once my hair settles down and stops falling out from the postpartum hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

oh bullshit! he can as a member of the family help with cooking (clean up), kids, cleaning. he is capable of helping. if my husband and i clean together, it still ends up about 80 20. i do 80 and he does 20. it just makes you not feel like a slave. fi he cleans up after dinner he does about 50% of what should be done. never all. any grown man, whether his wife stays at home or not can still contribute to the running of the household.

if you all have plenty of money, hire out some help. organizer, cleaners, whatever you need to take some of the load off.


The way you've structured things, his duty is to struggle to bring in 100% of the financial resources your family needs to survive. Your duty is to manage the household and children. If you expect him to share your load, are you planning to bring in money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

The way you've structured things, his duty is to struggle to bring in 100% of the financial resources your family needs to survive. Your duty is to manage the household and children. If you expect him to share your load, are you planning to bring in money?

oh bullshit! he can as a member of the family help with cooking (clean up), kids, cleaning. he is capable of helping. if my husband and i clean together, it still ends up about 80 20. i do 80 and he does 20. it just makes you not feel like a slave. fi he cleans up after dinner he does about 50% of what should be done. never all. any grown man, whether his wife stays at home or not can still contribute to the running of the household.

if you all have plenty of money, hire out some help. organizer, cleaners, whatever you need to take some of the load off

OP here. I have suggested many times to hire an organizer to help us get on top of all the clothing (99% is kids clothing), kitchrware, toys, and tools. He refuses and continues to say it'll be a waste of money and all an "organizer" will do is point and say what we need to do and then we have to be the one to actually do the work. Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not how that works..

[Anonymous]

That is indeed how an organizer works. Only you can make the call on what stays and what goes. Of course, you COULD delegate the authority to make those choices to a complete stranger, but you'd probably regret it.

[Anonymous]

I am in full agreement with this:
"The way you've structured things, his duty is to struggle to bring in 100% of the financial resources your family needs to survive. Your duty is to manage the household and children. If you expect him to share your load, are you planning to bring in money?"

OP says that her DH opposes her getting a job. That's probably because she doesn't have skills or credentials that enable her to earn more than the cost of daycare for all those kids. Care for their infant is definitely going to cost a lot.

By having so many kids and not earning a paycheck, OP has created her own domestic prison. I'm guessing she dismissed all the women who warned her about this, like almost all SAHMs do. She seems to have thought that since her parents have some wealth, that would insulate her from all the downsides of being a SAHM if things went south in her marriage. But the reality is that unless she's comfortable being a "kept" woman by her parents and all the BS that would come with that, she's stuck with the husband and his dumb rules and expectations. When you give up your role as a self-sufficient adult and take on the role of a dependent, the dynamics change. No other adult will both financially carry you AND see you as their adult equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

This is not a reason to stay married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

Your kids are all four years apart, so after you had the first kid you had over three years of him being...a neglectful parent? And then you decided to have a second kid... And then more than three years later a third kid?! I'm sorry, I'm having trouble believing this.

This is the part that’s really baffling. And I agree with the PP who mentioned that there tends to be bright lines about the division of labor when one parent works they type of job that brings in a high income and the other stays at home. From his perspective he may feel it’s you not pulling your weight. That’s why counseling might help if you can be open to hearing his thoughts.

Agree. He's not father of the year but you're a SAHP. You signed up for some division of responsibility. Can you hire some help. You say you're "on your feet all day" can some of that be outsourced? It's cheaper than divorce.

Also agree re counseling, likely both of your underestimate and undervalue what the other person is doing all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

Your kids are all four years apart, so after you had the first kid you had over three years of him being...a neglectful parent? And then you decided to have a second kid... And then more than three years later a third kid?! I'm sorry, I'm having trouble believing this.

OP here. Yeah, I know.. I guess I stupidly thought things would change. Been together since our teen years so I suppose I was used to the way things were, but now that I'm close to 40, I'm starting to put myself first. Once I found stuff, it really opened my eyes. As dumb as that sounds.

So just to be clear, you haven't worked for pay in over a decade, your kids are spaced pretty easily apart (i.e. you don't have three under three, you've never had all three home during the school year) and presumably your husband makes pretty good money if you're been staying home all this time? I think it would be helpful for you to go back and think over the discussions you had about you staying home and him being the breadwinner. You say he sits at a desk all day but you're on your feet. With all due respect, I've done both, and kids are draining in their own way but it's really myopic of you to reduce his job to just sitting down. (Also, note, who is the one with time to post on DCUM...?) You're playing a big victim card here, and that's fine, you can do that if you want, but I don't think it's useful for figuring a way out of your situation.

[Anonymous]

"Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️"

I was raised by parents with a completely "old school" approach. He had a stable job in the military and his goal was to excel and get promoted so that they could earn more money over the years, and then retire on his military pension with health insurance and all the other essentials. Her job was to produce and raise his kids, keep his house orderly and feed us all on a budget, manage his finances/personal paperwork, organize his emotional/social life, and look really good doing it (stay fit/trim, wear makeup and do hair daily, dress in feminine outfits, etc...). Never in a million years would it have occurred to either of them that my dad should take on any parenting duties unless he chose, completely on his own, to do so. My dad did coach our sports teams, especially for my brother. He helped me with algebra homework. He organized and took us camping and taught us to hunt and fish. He fixed the family cars and would organize us kids to clean the yard with him. But never once did he do laundry so that I'd have clean socks to wear to school the next day. The thought of him scrubbing our bathtub just makes me laugh. They got along well because they each had their domain, and neither entered the other's lane.

In other words, there is NOTHING old school about thinking a sole breadwinner dad will engage in parenting "duties."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

I mean, he has a job that is high level enough to bring home a lot of income to support your family and let you stay home. Usually when one person works in a high pay job and the other is staying home with 3 kids, there's a pretty stark division of labor, and the sahp doesn't expect much involvement by the other parent.

You say you were in full agreement with him to have three kids, but if he's such a terrible father, you must have seen this with kid #1? And certainly by kid #2 right? Why'd you have three kids with him? I think you need to be honest with yourself about what the formal or informal expectation of division of labor was and if you're just mad now because you figured out how much work it is.

OP here. He works from home, so not to try and minimize, but he sits at a desk all day whereas I'm on my feet all day, every day.

At the end of his workday, he comes downstairs and zones out on his phone or tablet, texts co-workers, posts on forums, buys expensive toys, or simply enjoys his own hobbies.

I do not get a breather for myself or even a shower alone (because my oldest likes to come and visit with me to talk and sometimes get away when she is upset because of her dad).

So yes, it is hard work for myself, but I do expect to have a partner to help raise the kids. They are his kids, after all.

To play the devil's advocate here:
- You decided to stay home and raise your kids so I think it's a bit silly to think your husband is going to be an "equal" partner on that front since it is literally your job
- Along those lines, part of his job in raising the kids is to provide for them and it sounds like you're entirely dismissing that contribution
- You had three children with this man over almost a decade and nothing changed about his parenting so I think you're kidding yourself that something is going to suddenly change
- You have created the dynamic you are currently in (you are at least 50% responsible for it in any event) but you seem to want to only blame him for what is happening

Also, if you want to shower, get up before your kids in the morning or shower after they have gone to bed. Most of us on here have raised kids so your carping over how much work you're doing is falling a little flat. Figure it out.
-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

I mean, he has a job that is high level enough to bring home a lot of income to support your family and let you stay home. Usually when one person works in a high pay job and the other is staying home with 3 kids, there's a pretty stark division of labor, and the sahp doesn't expect much involvement by the other parent.

You say you were in full agreement with him to have three kids, but if he's such a terrible father, you must have seen this with kid #1? And certainly by kid #2 right? Why'd you have three kids with him? I think you need to be honest with yourself about what the formal or informal expectation of division of labor was and if you're just mad now because you figured out how much work it is.

OP here. He works from home, so not to try and minimize, but he sits at a desk all day whereas I'm on my feet all day, every day.

At the end of his workday, he comes downstairs and zones out on his phone or tablet, texts co-workers, posts on forums, buys expensive toys, or simply enjoys his own hobbies.

I do not get a breather for myself or even a shower alone (because my oldest likes to come and visit with me to talk and sometimes get away when she is upset because of her dad).

So yes, it is hard work for myself, but I do expect to have a partner to help raise the kids. They are his kids, after all.

Well. If you want a breather, and you want him to raise the kids, then maybe divorce with 50/50 custody makes sense. He will figure it out.

OP here. Yeah, I know this will sound like I'm trying to have it both ways, but he cannot be trusted to take care of them himself while they are with him.

I would rather be exhausted continuing doing it all myself than subject my kids to his anger and negativity.

I might just have to slog it for another decade at least. That way our kids would be older.

Thanks for your reply

Stop with the martyr complex. No one forced you to have multiple kids with this guy. You say you have plenty of assets so get some help. You say your family is supportive so ask them for support. Stop with the woe is me, rich SAHM. And by the way, I'm a rich currently working mom, so I'm not "jealous" of you in any way. You just sound whiny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I appreciate all of the responses. I guess I'll slog it for another 10-15 and pray that counseling can help us, although unlikely because he never wants to try it.

Thanks, all.

Maybe spend some of the next 10-15 years figuring out what YOU can do to make this better. This life didn't happen to you, you chose this.