Logistics of separation

[Anonymous]

First step if you are considering divorce is to get childcare and get back in the workforce. Start doing things that will lead to that. Brush up your resume, take an online class to get a recent certification in your field

Pay 3 attorneys for a consultation to understand the likely division of custody and assets. Rehabilitative alimony (for a few years to get you back into paid work) is much more likely than lifetime alimony.

Divorce is much easier on everyone if there are plenty of asset and income. Are you guys rich?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

OP here. Yes, this is a very big fear of mine. I wouldn't be there for the other half and that makes me so uncomfortable 😞

How can one fight for 100% physical custody but 50% legal custody??

Your best shot at this is not fighting but manipulating. It’s going to be hard road since you are a SAHM and he is not going to want to give you full custody due to $$$. What you can do is assess his personality and use it to your advantage. Do you have enough family wealth to essentially pay him off? The simple truth is that many fathers don’t want 50/50 but they don’t want to pay full child support even more. These types can be bought off fairly easily, but you need real money to do it. Another type is the father who cares deeply about the image of being a parent but could not care less about parenting. For these men you give them 50/50 on paper while shifting to actually doing 90% of the child care. It’s not “fair” but is a way to keep the kids with you while allowing exDH to save face and keep up his image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

OP here. Yes, this is a very big fear of mine. I wouldn't be there for the other half and that makes me so uncomfortable 😞

How can one fight for 100% physical custody but 50% legal custody??

Unless you can show abuse or other egregious circumstances it’s unlikely you’ll get 100% if your husband doesn’t want to. You should also be prepared for the possibility that he’ll quickly remarry and someone else will be involved in raising your kids half the time.

[Anonymous]

Why not ask for alimony and child support and stay in the home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First step if you are considering divorce is to get childcare and get back in the workforce. Start doing things that will lead to that. Brush up your resume, take an online class to get a recent certification in your field

Pay 3 attorneys for a consultation to understand the likely division of custody and assets. Rehabilitative alimony (for a few years to get you back into paid work) is much more likely than lifetime alimony.

Divorce is much easier on everyone if there are plenty of asset and income. Are you guys rich?

OP here. Thanks for your reply. We have a pretty good amount of assets. Husband makes good income.

[Anonymous]

Many states don’t require 50/50. Depending on where you are, you might get more to all custody. Helps if he is in agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

OP here. Yes, this is a very big fear of mine. I wouldn't be there for the other half and that makes me so uncomfortable 😞

How can one fight for 100% physical custody but 50% legal custody??

Only you know if this is a possibility, it is not something a judge is likely to award you.

You need to play the long game. Start putting money aside for yourself, get training or start looking for a job. Start making your plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

OP here. Yes, this is a very big fear of mine. I wouldn't be there for the other half and that makes me so uncomfortable 😞

How can one fight for 100% physical custody but 50% legal custody??

Your best shot at this is not fighting but manipulating. It’s going to be hard road since you are a SAHM and he is not going to want to give you full custody due to $$$. What you can do is assess his personality and use it to your advantage. Do you have enough family wealth to essentially pay him off? The simple truth is that many fathers don’t want 50/50 but they don’t want to pay full child support even more. These types can be bought off fairly easily, but you need real money to do it. Another type is the father who cares deeply about the image of being a parent but could not care less about parenting. For these men you give them 50/50 on paper while shifting to actually doing 90% of the child care. It’s not “fair” but is a way to keep the kids with you while allowing exDH to save face and keep up his image.

OP here. Yeah, he would definitely be all about appearances.

The thing that is difficult for me, is that he has everyone fooled. He helps literally anyone but me. Keeps up relationships with everyone but me (and his kids).

This would shock my family and his family, coming out of left field from their perspectives.

I don't necessarily think, though, that he wouldn't be okay with paying child support. But his parents are extremely vindictive people and they would be the ones advising him through anything. So it could get ugly very fast.

I'm also considering just unhappily slogging through another 10-15 years so that our kids would be 15, 19, and 23 by the time we decide to part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not ask for alimony and child support and stay in the home?

OP here. Apologies, I don't understand this at all. I don't think this would work, but can you explain?

[Anonymous]

OP - You need to talk to a professional to help you figure out what your needs are and your wants. If you have funds then start figuring out how you can get childcare to update your skills for getting a job or get a part-time job just to get out of your house routine as it may give you a better sense of balance.

You need to look at yourself first before you take on you and the children. Getting paper work in order is also good. But also seeing if your DH would let you take over more of the family finances so you could work together on his spending bouts as his debt will be your debt. You need advice on how you can establish your own credit history such as a card in your name only, a job history etc.

[Anonymous]

You would have 50/50 custody (it is the default and he will have no incentive to pay you more to not take it)

You will need to get a job and childcare.

Your standard of living will fall because you will be supporting two households on the same income that was formerly supporting one.

He will likely remarry and have more kids (reducing your children support payments) and your children will have step siblings and a step mom.

Frankly op you sound a little clueless. It’s not like you can ‘replace’ their father. If he’s a good provider than appreciate that and let some of your gripes go. You shouldn’t try to manage his relationship with the kids they need to sort that out themselves. You shouldn’t rely on him to be your sole emotional support. You may think you are the perfect parent but you are not. There is no perfect parent.

You should try couples counseling.

You should be constantly monitoring all financial activity so you know where you both stand financially. If he is hiding/keeping that from you then that would be grounds for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would have 50/50 custody (it is the default and he will have no incentive to pay you more to not take it)

You will need to get a job and childcare.

Your standard of living will fall because you will be supporting two households on the same income that was formerly supporting one.

He will likely remarry and have more kids (reducing your children support payments) and your children will have step siblings and a step mom.

Frankly op you sound a little clueless. It’s not like you can ‘replace’ their father. If he’s a good provider than appreciate that and let some of your gripes go. You shouldn’t try to manage his relationship with the kids they need to sort that out themselves. You shouldn’t rely on him to be your sole emotional support. You may think you are the perfect parent but you are not. There is no perfect parent.

You should try couples counseling.

You should be constantly monitoring all financial activity so you know where you both stand financially. If he is hiding/keeping that from you then that would be grounds for divorce.

I definitely think you need couples counseling. You won't get 100% custody, I don't know why people are even mentioning it. At the end of the day- you want him to be a better husband and father, right? So at least attempt counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

I am the previous poster who grew up with a horrible father like your DH. So I do sympathize with your situation.

However, I urge you to think this through. You are a SAHM of 3 young children with no career. You sound very naive, unprepared, and unstrategic. You are not in a position to make any sudden moves.

The first thing you need to do is consult an attorney and a therapist. Due to my background I often advise people here to leave their angry DHs; however I am not sure if it is the best move in your situation.

I would emotionally check out of the marriage and focus on single-parenting while viewing DH as a useful resource to fund your lifestyle. Do not expect any parenting help from him. You are rich, hire the help that you need. Assume that you are 100% the primary parent and let DH focus on golfing with his buds and continuing to keep the big bucks coming in to pay for everything. Do not count on him for any emotional support and do not complain. Vent to friends or family instead.