Logistics of separation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the one who said you have a choice between 2 sets of problems.

You are in a difficult place. I think if things can remain "neutral", maybe slogging it out for 13ish years is a plan. If you can get to a place where you are not mourning over a husband not understanding you after 20 years, if you can accept he isn't going to tell you that you're beautiful, isn't going to get you thoughtful gifts, isn't going to thank you for all the things you do for the kids...

If you can get to the place where you stop expecting anything from him, and resign yourself to this odd situation and maybe with counseling, get to the place where you aren't forever grieving, you may be able to get to a situation where you do it all, you don't ask or expect him to help, you don't expect loving gestures from him and you don't collapse over it when he doesn't, you get to a place where you are learning to be independent, find joy outside the home, bide your time, and maybe you can survive for 10-15 years.

But if you are not yet past grieving, it's going to be a long, sad 13 years, wishing, hoping, ruminating, getting disappointed, etc.

To make it independently in a so-called marriage, you have to separate emotionally and realize you are doing what you have to do, and maybe in 15 years, you can divorce and live a more authentic life.

What you can't do is wallow for 15 years. And during those 15 years, it is your mission to learn about your finances, savings, debts, taxes and not be in a gullible position, should divorce suddenly be forced upon you..

If you stay, you need private counseling to help you deal with your disappointing state in the situation, but learn to take power in knowing your finances, being ready for him to pull a fast one, and just hang out if it's "healthy" until time ages up the kids.

However, if it gets to an unhealthy point, where he is trashing you to the kids when you aren't around, insulting you in front of them, cheating on you in broad daylight, any physical violence, doing damaging things, at some point, you just have to take the lumps and divorce.

Just stop expecting anything nice from him and start working on your self image and confidence excluding his input, and let him start worrying about losing your support.

Oh I remember the days of thinking counseling will finally, maybe solve everything. No, when I finally dragged him there it was a fizzle. What a let down. Now my final hope was gone. So don't put too much hope that it will be the answer. It probably won't be.

Stay for now if you think you can stop expecting him to be nice and loving. But be ready to leave once it crosses the line into total traumatic situations that your kids don't need to see.

Best wishes to you.

OP here. I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

I don't think counseling will do much, except make the bank account smaller. But would still try on the off chance it may help.

My biggest concern over my own resentment, is his temper with the kids. He refuses to let them be kids - he doesn't like when they make noise or are running around (the latter isn't happening all the time). He doesn't seem to understand that kids will be kids. They are loud and messy. But I think our kids are fairly "tame" compared to others including family and friend kids.

I am very concerned about the relationship between our oldest and him and that he is inflicting lifelong damage to her self-esteem and just the ability to have a healthy relationship with him.

My relationship with my mom started going off the rails when I was just 6 years old. It has never recovered 30+ years later.

He likes things to be orderly but doesn't make an effort to help tidy or organize. He literally said I don't get up and spend time during the day to do it so that is why the house is a wreck (nevermind barely having a moment to eat, which isn't until later in the day).

So.. I hear what you're saying, it just makes me sad that I shouldn't expect to have an equal partner in life for companionship and as a parent.

I hope things are better for you now!

Cry me a river. If you can't figure out how to get something for yourself to eat during the day then you shouldn't have had one, much less three kids. I'm convinced now that you're a troll because you're trotting out all the tired tropes: never have time to shower, can't eat until the kids are in bed, on your feet all day, husband is on his devices or spending money on his mysterious hobbies. You're basically the ChatGPT answer to "tell me how to paint a pathetic picture of a downtrodden mom."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like your plans include suffering in silence until kids are off to college.

Best of luck!

OP here. I'm a stubborn as f**k person so it's pretty much impossible for me to be quiet about all my gripes. But that is basically the advice I got on this thread so I will have to do my d@mndest to figure out how to cope.

Feels like I'm a little premature on a mid-life crisis. My current way to cope has been completely upending my wardrobe (even though I never actually had one before) and buying colorful shirts, sweatshirts, and leggings. I was a person who actively avoided color clothes since adolescence.

So someone else mentioned I should focus on myself, and I plan to do that. New clothes to start. Wanna get some more ear piercings (only have one on each lobe) and maybe finally muster up enough courage to get a few small/medium size tattoos.

I plan to have my hair cut and dyed (nothing crazy) once my hair settles down and stops falling out from the postpartum hormones.

That is actually NOT the advice you have gotten on this thread, it's just the advice you listened to because it suits your own narrative. That way you can say you stayed for the children and you suffered for their sakes and poor poor you that your husband made you have three kids and won't let you work (lady, it's 2025) and everyone will feel so sorry for you. Enjoy, I guess?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the one who said you have a choice between 2 sets of problems.

You are in a difficult place. I think if things can remain "neutral", maybe slogging it out for 13ish years is a plan. If you can get to a place where you are not mourning over a husband not understanding you after 20 years, if you can accept he isn't going to tell you that you're beautiful, isn't going to get you thoughtful gifts, isn't going to thank you for all the things you do for the kids...

If you can get to the place where you stop expecting anything from him, and resign yourself to this odd situation and maybe with counseling, get to the place where you aren't forever grieving, you may be able to get to a situation where you do it all, you don't ask or expect him to help, you don't expect loving gestures from him and you don't collapse over it when he doesn't, you get to a place where you are learning to be independent, find joy outside the home, bide your time, and maybe you can survive for 10-15 years.

But if you are not yet past grieving, it's going to be a long, sad 13 years, wishing, hoping, ruminating, getting disappointed, etc.

To make it independently in a so-called marriage, you have to separate emotionally and realize you are doing what you have to do, and maybe in 15 years, you can divorce and live a more authentic life.

What you can't do is wallow for 15 years. And during those 15 years, it is your mission to learn about your finances, savings, debts, taxes and not be in a gullible position, should divorce suddenly be forced upon you..

If you stay, you need private counseling to help you deal with your disappointing state in the situation, but learn to take power in knowing your finances, being ready for him to pull a fast one, and just hang out if it's "healthy" until time ages up the kids.

However, if it gets to an unhealthy point, where he is trashing you to the kids when you aren't around, insulting you in front of them, cheating on you in broad daylight, any physical violence, doing damaging things, at some point, you just have to take the lumps and divorce.

Just stop expecting anything nice from him and start working on your self image and confidence excluding his input, and let him start worrying about losing your support.

Oh I remember the days of thinking counseling will finally, maybe solve everything. No, when I finally dragged him there it was a fizzle. What a let down. Now my final hope was gone. So don't put too much hope that it will be the answer. It probably won't be.

Stay for now if you think you can stop expecting him to be nice and loving. But be ready to leave once it crosses the line into total traumatic situations that your kids don't need to see.

Best wishes to you.

OP here. I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

I don't think counseling will do much, except make the bank account smaller. But would still try on the off chance it may help.

My biggest concern over my own resentment, is his temper with the kids. He refuses to let them be kids - he doesn't like when they make noise or are running around (the latter isn't happening all the time). He doesn't seem to understand that kids will be kids. They are loud and messy. But I think our kids are fairly "tame" compared to others including family and friend kids.

I am very concerned about the relationship between our oldest and him and that he is inflicting lifelong damage to her self-esteem and just the ability to have a healthy relationship with him.

My relationship with my mom started going off the rails when I was just 6 years old. It has never recovered 30+ years later.

He likes things to be orderly but doesn't make an effort to help tidy or organize. He literally said I don't get up and spend time during the day to do it so that is why the house is a wreck (nevermind barely having a moment to eat, which isn't until later in the day).

So.. I hear what you're saying, it just makes me sad that I shouldn't expect to have an equal partner in life for companionship and as a parent.

I hope things are better for you now!

You have a 5, 9 and 13 year old who are all school aged and you can’t figure out how to make time to eat? And you can’t get the house stuff done even though they are at school all day? You can’t be serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the one who said you have a choice between 2 sets of problems.

You are in a difficult place. I think if things can remain "neutral", maybe slogging it out for 13ish years is a plan. If you can get to a place where you are not mourning over a husband not understanding you after 20 years, if you can accept he isn't going to tell you that you're beautiful, isn't going to get you thoughtful gifts, isn't going to thank you for all the things you do for the kids...

If you can get to the place where you stop expecting anything from him, and resign yourself to this odd situation and maybe with counseling, get to the place where you aren't forever grieving, you may be able to get to a situation where you do it all, you don't ask or expect him to help, you don't expect loving gestures from him and you don't collapse over it when he doesn't, you get to a place where you are learning to be independent, find joy outside the home, bide your time, and maybe you can survive for 10-15 years.

But if you are not yet past grieving, it's going to be a long, sad 13 years, wishing, hoping, ruminating, getting disappointed, etc.

To make it independently in a so-called marriage, you have to separate emotionally and realize you are doing what you have to do, and maybe in 15 years, you can divorce and live a more authentic life.

What you can't do is wallow for 15 years. And during those 15 years, it is your mission to learn about your finances, savings, debts, taxes and not be in a gullible position, should divorce suddenly be forced upon you..

If you stay, you need private counseling to help you deal with your disappointing state in the situation, but learn to take power in knowing your finances, being ready for him to pull a fast one, and just hang out if it's "healthy" until time ages up the kids.

However, if it gets to an unhealthy point, where he is trashing you to the kids when you aren't around, insulting you in front of them, cheating on you in broad daylight, any physical violence, doing damaging things, at some point, you just have to take the lumps and divorce.

Just stop expecting anything nice from him and start working on your self image and confidence excluding his input, and let him start worrying about losing your support.

Oh I remember the days of thinking counseling will finally, maybe solve everything. No, when I finally dragged him there it was a fizzle. What a let down. Now my final hope was gone. So don't put too much hope that it will be the answer. It probably won't be.

Stay for now if you think you can stop expecting him to be nice and loving. But be ready to leave once it crosses the line into total traumatic situations that your kids don't need to see.

Best wishes to you.

OP here. I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

I don't think counseling will do much, except make the bank account smaller. But would still try on the off chance it may help.

My biggest concern over my own resentment, is his temper with the kids. He refuses to let them be kids - he doesn't like when they make noise or are running around (the latter isn't happening all the time). He doesn't seem to understand that kids will be kids. They are loud and messy. But I think our kids are fairly "tame" compared to others including family and friend kids.

I am very concerned about the relationship between our oldest and him and that he is inflicting lifelong damage to her self-esteem and just the ability to have a healthy relationship with him.

My relationship with my mom started going off the rails when I was just 6 years old. It has never recovered 30+ years later.

He likes things to be orderly but doesn't make an effort to help tidy or organize. He literally said I don't get up and spend time during the day to do it so that is why the house is a wreck (nevermind barely having a moment to eat, which isn't until later in the day).

So.. I hear what you're saying, it just makes me sad that I shouldn't expect to have an equal partner in life for companionship and as a parent.

I hope things are better for you now!

You have a 5, 9 and 13 year old who are all school aged and you can’t figure out how to make time to eat? And you can’t get the house stuff done even though they are at school all day? You can’t be serious.

OP here. Lots of responses that clearly turned on me. That's fine.

And no, my youngest is a newborn.. not sure where you got your ages from.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Just to preempt anyone who will ask or question. Yes, they are all at home with me. Youngest is a baby, then a 3 year old, and my oldest does school from home for a number of reasons, one of which is medically based.

Thanks for the responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Just to preempt anyone who will ask or question. Yes, they are all at home with me. Youngest is a baby, then a 3 year old, and my oldest does school from home for a number of reasons, one of which is medically based.

Thanks for the responses.

Ah, the final nail in the coffin - you home school on top of everything else! AI has really crafted the perfect story for you, congratulations. Hope you like your new tattoos (that was a cute twist).

[Anonymous]

I think you should hire a nanny, which will be cheaper than divorce. And then slowly start to consider your own professional options. Full time nanny, work part time, and then as your kids get older transition to full time. When you are more financially independent, consider divorce.

Finally, I would just stop expecting anything from your husband. It sucks, but if you accept who he is now, you can emotionally detach and make better long term decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Just to preempt anyone who will ask or question. Yes, they are all at home with me. Youngest is a baby, then a 3 year old, and my oldest does school from home for a number of reasons, one of which is medically based.

Thanks for the responses.

Ah, the final nail in the coffin - you home school on top of everything else! AI has really crafted the perfect story for you, congratulations. Hope you like your new tattoos (that was a cute twist).

OP here. No, I am not the primary teacher for my oldest. They do school online at home.

Love how everyone on DCUM assumes we're all AI robots who only make up stuff. If it were only true!!

And thank you, I will enjoy my tats one day! 😘

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should hire a nanny, which will be cheaper than divorce. And then slowly start to consider your own professional options. Full time nanny, work part time, and then as your kids get older transition to full time. When you are more financially independent, consider divorce.

Finally, I would just stop expecting anything from your husband. It sucks, but if you accept who he is now, you can emotionally detach and make better long term decisions.

OP here. Yes, solid advice, thank you for your mature response.

[Anonymous]

The fact that the youngest is a newborn significantly changes my response. You are going through a huge change, both in terms the demands on your time, and on your hormones. It is not the time to be making long term decisions.

I would think about hiring help to get through this difficult time, and then see how you are feeling when the baby is sleeping through the night.

The one thing I would do is find opportunities to put cash aside so you are prepared to pay for a consultation with a lawyer if you feel this way in a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that the youngest is a newborn significantly changes my response. You are going through a huge change, both in terms the demands on your time, and on your hormones. It is not the time to be making long term decisions.

I would think about hiring help to get through this difficult time, and then see how you are feeling when the baby is sleeping through the night.

The one thing I would do is find opportunities to put cash aside so you are prepared to pay for a consultation with a lawyer if you feel this way in a year.

OP here. Yes, I agree all around. Sound advice, thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

The way you've structured things, his duty is to struggle to bring in 100% of the financial resources your family needs to survive. Your duty is to manage the household and children. If you expect him to share your load, are you planning to bring in money?

It’s perfectly reasonable to say between the hours of X and Y (husband’s work hours — or you can say for X number of hours per week if he doesn’t work a steady schedule) he works for his job to bring in income and OP works at the house for the household and the other hours are divided between them to handle excess household stuff.

[Anonymous]

Step up, hire help or move out

[Anonymous]

So sorry what you and your children are going through w/your husband right now - - it is really unfair and your husband needs to prioritize his family or risk losing you all.

Since your children are being emotionally affected by their Father’s behavior then it is imperative that you figure out what you will do sooner rather than later OP.

A trial separation may open your husband’s eyes to how seriously his actions are impacting his family.
I think you should definitely proceed w/this though it may take some planning since these things are never easy.

Do you have any relatives or close friends that you can turn to for support?
Having a support system in place right now will be a great first step in removing your husband’s toxicity from your lives.

I wish you + your children only the best in all your future endeavors.