Logistics of separation

[Anonymous]

So almost two months ago I found upsetting info on my husband's chat with some family members. A week later I confronted him about it all (it was mostly downplayed and him being defensive).

In addition to what I found, I've been so starved of emotional connection and attention for many, many years. I also have many issues with his negativity and anger, issues with how he treats our kids, as well as the fact that he refuses to participate in basic parenting responsibilities.

He never wants to play with our kids, there's always an excuse for not engaging with them. The other evening he came downstairs from work (he WFH) and when my oldest asked if he could play a few times, my husband got increasingly frustrated and said, "I have to take care of three kids, I'm really busy and can't do that right now." I ch0ked him out with my eyes right there because it is such BS because he doesn't take care of them..

He has also lied about spending money and has a big spending problem, despite me pleading to not make so many big purchases that only benefit him and his hobbies.

He assured me he would change and that it was a wake up call for him and he thanked me for not leaving with the kids.

Well.. fast forward to now, and not really anything has changed. He was once again very insensitive and rude to our oldest earlier today and kiddo mentioned they "have the meanest daddy ever" through tears and I am just feeling done.

Kiddo has mentioned things like this many times before and it just breaks my heart. I had a very bad relationship with my mom growing up and it's mostly okay now but still has areas of not great. 30 years and I'm still broken from that and I fear with my oldest it is too late and the relationship there with dad is already too far gone and will be messed up for a very long time.

I feel at this point I have a duty to protect my kids from all of the anger and negativity. I want us to spend some time apart from one another. I am thinking at least 6 weeks.

Am I approaching this in a stupid way or a smart way? I've never done this before so am feeling a little lost on how exactly to get my ducks in order.

I am a SAHM. Please be gentle. I'm mad but mostly just so f*****g sad 😞

[Anonymous]

I wish you well but it does not sound like you have thought this through.

I would encourage you to decide if you want to be married, or not. Separation is what? Just chaos and disruption. Divorce him or stay, but figure out your end goal for the sake of your children and yourself.

Do you have a way to support yourself if you can no longer rely on your husband’s income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish you well but it does not sound like you have thought this through.

I would encourage you to decide if you want to be married, or not. Separation is what? Just chaos and disruption. Divorce him or stay, but figure out your end goal for the sake of your children and yourself.

Do you have a way to support yourself if you can no longer rely on your husband’s income?

OP here.

So I feel somewhat sure, but my thought process was to separate in order to really force ourselves to figure out what we want. I think we definitely need the space, though.

I'm fortunate to have family that I know would help me and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Slow down. You need to go very, very slow because you are emotionally and financially vulnerable right now and also probably exhausted by being a stable source of consistent parenting for your kids. I know because I’m in your shoes.

You don’t need to make a decision now and you shouldn’t. You do need a lot of information to even initiate a separation, so your job now is to quietly find it all and file copies away. You can look up what you need, but start with:

-mortgage information
-tax filings
-w2s or 1099s
-DHs paycheck info (this can be challenging depending on how transparent he is)
-healthcare plan
-home insurance policy
-life insurance policies
-all investment and savings info
-car notes or titles

Now you should also start documenting:
-very large unilateral purchases he makes
-any inappropriate behavior towards you or the children

Once you have all that, you need to think about how alimony and child support calculations typically work in your state. That may or may not motivate you to keep things as-is or pursue legal options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish you well but it does not sound like you have thought this through.

I would encourage you to decide if you want to be married, or not. Separation is what? Just chaos and disruption. Divorce him or stay, but figure out your end goal for the sake of your children and yourself.

Do you have a way to support yourself if you can no longer rely on your husband’s income?

OP here.

So I feel somewhat sure, but my thought process was to separate in order to really force ourselves to figure out what we want. I think we definitely need the space, though.

I'm fortunate to have family that I know would help me and the kids.

You are going to get a lot of comments and feedback saying that you’re nuts to leave him for this. But I agree with you because I grew up with a father like this (maybe worse) and things improved significantly after they divorced.

Are you prepared if he becomes vindictive and tries to completely screw you? It happens more than you think, especially with SAHMs. It sounds like you have wealthy parents to foot your legal bills which is fortunate. Have you thought through what 50/50 custody would mean for your children?

Of course there is a chance that this chat and separation will have him see the error of his ways and change, but I think that is an unlikely outcome.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Your husband and situation won't improve.

[Anonymous]

If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

Between this and not having an income, I don’t see how leaving protects your kids. And if your plan is to move in with family temporarily, you may get less custody.

[Anonymous]

So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

Between this and not having an income, I don’t see how leaving protects your kids. And if your plan is to move in with family temporarily, you may get less custody.

OP here. I was thinking temporary to allow us time to figure out what to do.

But if this can be used against me, then now I'm not so sure..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

OP here. Yes, this is a very big fear of mine. I wouldn't be there for the other half and that makes me so uncomfortable 😞

How can one fight for 100% physical custody but 50% legal custody??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slow down. You need to go very, very slow because you are emotionally and financially vulnerable right now and also probably exhausted by being a stable source of consistent parenting for your kids. I know because I’m in your shoes.

You don’t need to make a decision now and you shouldn’t. You do need a lot of information to even initiate a separation, so your job now is to quietly find it all and file copies away. You can look up what you need, but start with:

-mortgage information
-tax filings
-w2s or 1099s
-DHs paycheck info (this can be challenging depending on how transparent he is)
-healthcare plan
-home insurance policy
-life insurance policies
-all investment and savings info
-car notes or titles

Now you should also start documenting:
-very large unilateral purchases he makes
-any inappropriate behavior towards you or the children

Once you have all that, you need to think about how alimony and child support calculations typically work in your state. That may or may not motivate you to keep things as-is or pursue legal options.

OP here. I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

Another poster mentioned, though, that even if I do a temporary separation, that that could hurt my chances of custody - any chance if you know if this is true?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you should use a separation to try to get your DH to change. Decide if you want to be married as it is, or if you would rather be divorced. Then get your ducks in a row with the help of an attorney and file.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish you well but it does not sound like you have thought this through.

I would encourage you to decide if you want to be married, or not. Separation is what? Just chaos and disruption. Divorce him or stay, but figure out your end goal for the sake of your children and yourself.

Do you have a way to support yourself if you can no longer rely on your husband’s income?

OP here.

So I feel somewhat sure, but my thought process was to separate in order to really force ourselves to figure out what we want. I think we definitely need the space, though.

I'm fortunate to have family that I know would help me and the kids.

You are going to get a lot of comments and feedback saying that you’re nuts to leave him for this. But I agree with you because I grew up with a father like this (maybe worse) and things improved significantly after they divorced.

Are you prepared if he becomes vindictive and tries to completely screw you? It happens more than you think, especially with SAHMs. It sounds like you have wealthy parents to foot your legal bills which is fortunate. Have you thought through what 50/50 custody would mean for your children?

Of course there is a chance that this chat and separation will have him see the error of his ways and change, but I think that is an unlikely outcome.

OP here. I'm so sorry you endured a traumatic childhood as you did 😞

And I'd like to think that he wouldn't become vindictive, since he thanked me for not leaving 2 months prior. But.. his parents are *extremely* vindictive people and they would be his #1 advisors through any potential actions. So.. it's very possible, unfortunately.

I think I don't want to face the possibility of not having my kids with me 24/7 as I do now. It's so incredibly hard to imagine it any other way.

If it's at all possible, me having 100% physical and 50% legal would be a dream. But I don't know what it would take to try and fight for that and what would need to be proven. Ugh.