Logistics of separation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

Your kids are all four years apart, so after you had the first kid you had over three years of him being...a neglectful parent? And then you decided to have a second kid... And then more than three years later a third kid?! I'm sorry, I'm having trouble believing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

Your kids are all four years apart, so after you had the first kid you had over three years of him being...a neglectful parent? And then you decided to have a second kid... And then more than three years later a third kid?! I'm sorry, I'm having trouble believing this.

+1
Why continue to have more kids w a husband who has zero interest in them or wife/op

Ugh!

Divorce. You’re already living like a single mother.
May want to get a job & figure out childcare and lean on close family & friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

I mean, he has a job that is high level enough to bring home a lot of income to support your family and let you stay home. Usually when one person works in a high pay job and the other is staying home with 3 kids, there's a pretty stark division of labor, and the sahp doesn't expect much involvement by the other parent.

You say you were in full agreement with him to have three kids, but if he's such a terrible father, you must have seen this with kid #1? And certainly by kid #2 right? Why'd you have three kids with him? I think you need to be honest with yourself about what the formal or informal expectation of division of labor was and if you're just mad now because you figured out how much work it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish you well but it does not sound like you have thought this through.

I would encourage you to decide if you want to be married, or not. Separation is what? Just chaos and disruption. Divorce him or stay, but figure out your end goal for the sake of your children and yourself.

Do you have a way to support yourself if you can no longer rely on your husband’s income?

OP here.

So I feel somewhat sure, but my thought process was to separate in order to really force ourselves to figure out what we want. I think we definitely need the space, though.

I'm fortunate to have family that I know would help me and the kids.

Your husband isn’t going to change. Period. Even if he freaks out during this six weeks and says he will, your life is going to look exactly the same a year from now and five years from now. You need to just make a decisionz

[Anonymous]

Is the guy even going to WANT custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the guy even going to WANT custody?

Yes because he won’t want to pay his ex wife more money. He will find a new wife or use his parents for childcare.

Courts will not care about your gripes op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

Your kids are all four years apart, so after you had the first kid you had over three years of him being...a neglectful parent? And then you decided to have a second kid... And then more than three years later a third kid?! I'm sorry, I'm having trouble believing this.

This is the part that’s really baffling. And I agree with the PP who mentioned that there tends to be bright lines about the division of labor when one parent works they type of job that brings in a high income and the other stays at home. From his perspective he may feel it’s you not pulling your weight. That’s why counseling might help if you can be open to hearing his thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Therapy for you before you initiate any sort of separation or divorce.

I agree with the read of many others here. This isn't going to be an ideal situation for you. You'll need to come to terms with 50/50 custody as a very real most likely possibility before you start any of this.

The vindicative in-laws don't help. Are they loaded too? They may bankroll his divorce. It can make it incredibly difficult to settle, because you can't lean on the marital or co-parenting relationship to play nice when people outside the marriage have a vested interest. They could ultimately lose you a lot of money on top of everything else you're losing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

Your kids are all four years apart, so after you had the first kid you had over three years of him being...a neglectful parent? And then you decided to have a second kid... And then more than three years later a third kid?! I'm sorry, I'm having trouble believing this.

OP here. Yeah, I know.. I guess I stupidly thought things would change. Been together since our teen years so I suppose I was used to the way things were, but now that I'm close to 40, I'm starting to put myself first. Once I found stuff, it really opened my eyes. As dumb as that sounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you’ll still have to share 50% custody with the man you say can’t be bothered to interact with his kids.

OP here. Yes, this is a very big fear of mine. I wouldn't be there for the other half and that makes me so uncomfortable 😞

How can one fight for 100% physical custody but 50% legal custody??

That would be a waste of money. You won’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not ask for alimony and child support and stay in the home?

It doesn’t work like that, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

Your kids are all four years apart, so after you had the first kid you had over three years of him being...a neglectful parent? And then you decided to have a second kid... And then more than three years later a third kid?! I'm sorry, I'm having trouble believing this.

OP here. Yeah, I know.. I guess I stupidly thought things would change. Been together since our teen years so I suppose I was used to the way things were, but now that I'm close to 40, I'm starting to put myself first. Once I found stuff, it really opened my eyes. As dumb as that sounds.

I'm not trying to discount the misery you may currently feel in your life. You're in the slog of it, and you don't have a great partner. But I'm sorry to say that realistically you've described a LOT of men. Try growing your own garden for a bit first. Really build out a network of friends and start developing life where you can because you may find you're able to find peace and happiness while remaining married. It's just that the peace and happiness may come from other places. If you're going to go to the mat, go to the mat for babysitting, food prep help, cleaning help. Whatever frees you up to go do the stuff you're finding. The thing you've said most alarming is your husband's spending so try to get a handle on that. But short of abuse (be it emotional, financial, physical, etc), I'd try to see if you can't just build your own life that's not focused on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

I mean, he has a job that is high level enough to bring home a lot of income to support your family and let you stay home. Usually when one person works in a high pay job and the other is staying home with 3 kids, there's a pretty stark division of labor, and the sahp doesn't expect much involvement by the other parent.

You say you were in full agreement with him to have three kids, but if he's such a terrible father, you must have seen this with kid #1? And certainly by kid #2 right? Why'd you have three kids with him? I think you need to be honest with yourself about what the formal or informal expectation of division of labor was and if you're just mad now because you figured out how much work it is.

OP here. He works from home, so not to try and minimize, but he sits at a desk all day whereas I'm on my feet all day, every day.

At the end of his workday, he comes downstairs and zones out on his phone or tablet, texts co-workers, posts on forums, buys expensive toys, or simply enjoys his own hobbies.

I do not get a breather for myself or even a shower alone (because my oldest likes to come and visit with me to talk and sometimes get away when she is upset because of her dad).

So yes, it is hard work for myself, but I do expect to have a partner to help raise the kids. They are his kids, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

I mean, he has a job that is high level enough to bring home a lot of income to support your family and let you stay home. Usually when one person works in a high pay job and the other is staying home with 3 kids, there's a pretty stark division of labor, and the sahp doesn't expect much involvement by the other parent.

You say you were in full agreement with him to have three kids, but if he's such a terrible father, you must have seen this with kid #1? And certainly by kid #2 right? Why'd you have three kids with him? I think you need to be honest with yourself about what the formal or informal expectation of division of labor was and if you're just mad now because you figured out how much work it is.

OP here. He works from home, so not to try and minimize, but he sits at a desk all day whereas I'm on my feet all day, every day.

At the end of his workday, he comes downstairs and zones out on his phone or tablet, texts co-workers, posts on forums, buys expensive toys, or simply enjoys his own hobbies.

I do not get a breather for myself or even a shower alone (because my oldest likes to come and visit with me to talk and sometimes get away when she is upset because of her dad).

So yes, it is hard work for myself, but I do expect to have a partner to help raise the kids. They are his kids, after all.

Well. If you want a breather, and you want him to raise the kids, then maybe divorce with 50/50 custody makes sense. He will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you pushed him to have more kids than he wanted, and you don’t work, and now you want him to share in parenting and you’re surprised he’s not into it?

OP here. No, having the amount of kids that we do was a joint decision. No one was forced into anything.

Also, I don't understand how a parent, male or female, is excused from parenting duties, no matter their feelings? Guess I'm "old school" there..? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lastly, I work my tail off (to put it lightly) to take care of all of our kids. Hardest f*****g job ever and no, I don't get paid but they doesn't take away from the fact that I *do* work, it just isn't outside the home, so it's always dismissed.

So what’s his excuse then? Has he ever assisted with the kids?

OP here.

The amount of times he has taken the initiative to take care of our kids, I can count on two hands. Even when he sees me struggling, he doesn't step up.

He doesn't even pick up our baby when crying - if I am unable to at the moment, I have to ask him to pick up the baby so that baby doesn't end up spitting up everywhere due to the crying - I mean, who is like that?

On weekends, he won't feed the kids breakfast to allow me to get a quick bite. No, he has to take care of himself and get coffee first. At outings, I'm left to juggle everything between playtime, diapers, getting the kids food, nap time for baby, etc.

He doesn't step up to say he'll get the older kids food so I can feed baby or eat something for myself. He won't play with the kids despite their pleas.

He treats outings as purely social for himself while I'm left to do everything and not have much meaningful connection with family and friends when we are out.

Basically I have to be a nagging wife which everyone hates. Which further leads to more resentment.

I mean, he has a job that is high level enough to bring home a lot of income to support your family and let you stay home. Usually when one person works in a high pay job and the other is staying home with 3 kids, there's a pretty stark division of labor, and the sahp doesn't expect much involvement by the other parent.

You say you were in full agreement with him to have three kids, but if he's such a terrible father, you must have seen this with kid #1? And certainly by kid #2 right? Why'd you have three kids with him? I think you need to be honest with yourself about what the formal or informal expectation of division of labor was and if you're just mad now because you figured out how much work it is.

OP here. He works from home, so not to try and minimize, but he sits at a desk all day whereas I'm on my feet all day, every day.

At the end of his workday, he comes downstairs and zones out on his phone or tablet, texts co-workers, posts on forums, buys expensive toys, or simply enjoys his own hobbies.

I do not get a breather for myself or even a shower alone (because my oldest likes to come and visit with me to talk and sometimes get away when she is upset because of her dad).

So yes, it is hard work for myself, but I do expect to have a partner to help raise the kids. They are his kids, after all.

Well. If you want a breather, and you want him to raise the kids, then maybe divorce with 50/50 custody makes sense. He will figure it out.

OP here. Yeah, I know this will sound like I'm trying to have it both ways, but he cannot be trusted to take care of them himself while they are with him.

I would rather be exhausted continuing doing it all myself than subject my kids to his anger and negativity.

I might just have to slog it for another decade at least. That way our kids would be older.

Thanks for your reply