Tired of the name calling
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Anonymous
Ultimatum. Next time he does it, leave. |
Anonymous
OP, Google “DARVO”. And read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a free PDF online: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf |
Anonymous
I agree; great insights. |
Anonymous
| The women who endure the worst abuse seem to be the most patient and it's not fair. Some women have divorced their husbands for issues far less serious than OP's. Crazy |
Anonymous
Well, I'd leave because I grew up in a home where no one ever did this. I'm maybe a little hyper sensitive to it, but it might just be the high self esteem of being a girl with a father who treats her mother right for 40+ years. I'm not being braggy, it was eye opening to me in my 20s that this is actually considered fairly normal and acceptable by a LARGE number of people. Its depressing. I had one longer term boyfriend who touched on this but yeah, I wouldn't cry at the kitchen sink. I'd book a hotel within 10 min and disappear. Not with kids but like 200 lbs of dogs and accouterments. Just, packed and gone. No return date. I will say though that if this is the precursor to domestic violence that may or may not be the way. I knew it was all bluster but dont know your dynamic. |
Anonymous
Before someone calls me out on this because I know they will, yes this is a privilege thing. I always made my own good money and that can solve a lot of "cool down" situations though it doesn’t change my opinion that yelling and curing at your supposed beloved is acceptable. |
Anonymous
NP and as someone who grew up in a household with domestic violence, I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal. It was just my life. I saw it at my cousin’s house too so I assumed it was the same in every family. My mom told me we couldn’t tell anyone so my assumption was that this was a conversation every parent had with their kid and that we were all just being on our best behavior around friends and acquaintance. So now that I am in a situation that I’ve slowly realized is emotional and verbal abuse, I can understand why I didn’t recognize it for a long time. And maybe why I was vulnerable to allowing someone to treat me badly early in our relationship. I don’t blame a single woman for being in this situation because many of us were raised in it. I’m glad that there are people out there that can’t imagine not leaving immediately because that gives me hope- it means there are whole swaths of society that think men treating women like this is utterly unacceptable. I hope that you are in my community and at my kids’ school and our pool and their sports, because I know that when we leave it is going to be rough. |
Anonymous
So he treated his family well while you were dating? |
Anonymous
She's already said she'll do that a million times. 
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Anonymous
+1000 I need to give my parents way more credit for the way they raised me because I am SHOCKED by the amount of people who somehow think that this kind of behavior is remotely acceptable. My parents never raised their voices to each other, never. No one in my family ever called anyone names or swore at them. The idea that anyone would do that was and is inconceivable to me. That's not how you treat people, period. I've never been with a guy who would do any of this, and if I saw even a glimpse of it I'd be gone. Very happily married for 15 years with two kids. |
Anonymous
Not PP but another PP who has never experienced this kind of abusive behavior. I'm really sorry for your experiences, and I truly hope you do have a community to assist you when you leave. I would if I knew you, for sure. Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I've wondered about this recently since there have been multiple posts about people yelling/cursing at their significant others and the responses have been varied. Some people say it's not a big deal to curse at someone or they did something to deserve it. Those people I assume are mostly abusers themselves so they're trying to justify their behavior. But I also wonder if there is another group of responders who themselves have been abused and who therefore say it's not a big deal/downplay the severity of treating someone like this - if that's you is it because you want to believe that it is normal so that your life isn't abnormal? Is it a shame thing, like you want to somewhat defend the behavior, even though it may make you feel really bad when you're yelled at, because you don't want to believe that you're in a situation where someone is mistreating you and that that says something about you? (All it says, for the record, is what you wrote - that it's how you grew up. It emphatically does not say that you deserve it). I'm asking because I truly hope that when people who have a history like yours see posts on here saying that it is not okay, under any circumstances, to yell/curse at your spouse, that you believe that there are lots of people out there who believe that and there are men out there who would never act like that. I know many of them, including my father and husband and brother. Women who think that behavior isn't acceptable would be your allies. Men who think that behavior is unacceptable would be your allies or your future partner. I just wish people who grew up with abuse being normalized would know that it's not ok and plenty of people feel that way and would never treat you like that. And, I hope you hear this - none of it is your fault. You don't deserve to be treated like that, ever. |
Anonymous
Yikes. He really can’t handle anything. No more kids and divorce. He is out of control and probably has some serious underlying issues as well. |
Anonymous
I really disagree with this PP, who is, IMO, normalizing verbal and emotional abuse by saying the problem isn't the behavior it's that OP doesn't like it. OP, that is what this is -- abuse. This kind of abuse is often described as "coercive control," where the abuser uses foul language, criticism and/or physical behavior short of hitting as a way of getting the victim partner to modify their behavior in advance so as to avoid the verbal and emotional outbursts. It *is* about the and that behavior is inherently problematic. It is not your responsibility to "motivate" your spouse to shift. And, being flipped off and swearing are not behaviors that anyone should tolerate in a relationship. All adults should be able to use their words to express concerns or disagreements in healthy ways. The fact that some (many?) adults don't have this skill doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. Please take this seriously and read up on verbal abuse and coercive control, because it often escalates over time. I was with a verbal abuser for several years before he threatened to beat me. Because I stood up for myself, I thought it would stop, but of course, it happened again. I left the second time. (I feel like an idiot that I even wrote that sentence -- how could I, a very well-educated, well-resourced woman, knowledgeable about abuse, not have left at the first physical threat or even the first verbal abuse?) Couples therapy with an abuser is not the standard of care and a therapist who would participate in that is not a good therapist. Please get your own individual therapist; they can help you work on yourself - setting effective boundaries, pursuing your own life goals so that you can be independent, considering when/how to leave, etc. You also have to learn to regulate your emotions and communicate in a healthy way. Your behavior is not the cause of your spouse's abuse, but we are each responsible for our own behavior and if you are being snide, etc., that needs to stop both for yourself and also as a model for your children. And, speaking, of children, you are in deep delusion if you think your fights aren't affecting your kids, even if they are very young. You are modeling for them what kind of treatment they can expect from others and how they can expect to treat others. I personally grew up with a verbally abusive parent, and it affected me greatly -- contributing to my acceptance of abuse from future partners and really making me afraid to try things and afraid to make errors, thus really limiting me. Even as an adult, when people are angry at me (with or without reason), I just go straight to fright or flight and fawning. It's terrible. https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/PowerandControl.pdf Let's be real -- it's very unlikely that your DH will change his behavior - abusers rarely do. Perhaps a tiny minority who really recognize their own behavior and its impact and really want to work on change, those abusers, with the help of extensive long term therapy, maybe they can make lasting changes. If your DH is unwilling to recognize his own behavior, be accountable and change, it is really not your job (and not within your power) to make him change. Yes, he might be "nice" for a few weeks or months, but he will always slip back to the abuse. That is the cycle of abuse. https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse#reconciliation Healthy relationships are different. https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Equality.pdf |
Anonymous
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Agree w Pp
Couples therapy with an abuser does not work and is not advised by professionals. |
Anonymous
He threatened to divorce you?? Oh hell no. Divorce him first. He doesn’t respect you. You don’t treat someone you love this way. Don’t even bother with therapy. |