Tired of the name calling

[Anonymous]

My husband has said "F u" exactly twice to me in our 13 years of marriage and has never called me names. There are actual decent men out there. It's not worth it to be with someone who is so terrible to you. Your kid will grow up thinking it's ok to call her that or will call you names herself. Counseling for him and you together or that's it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your husband doesn’t value you or respect you one ounce.

Hear me out before this gets totally dismissed— your DH talks to you like a dog. He doesn’t respect or value you. You’ve asked him to stop his insults and he won’t.

Go get attention from another man. Go feel beautiful, respected, valued, and cherished again. A little fling is such a self esteem booster when you’ve been with a man who takes pleasure in making you feel small and worthless, like your DH does. Plus, it couldn’t happen to anyone better than your DH!

[Anonymous]

You're not gonna like this, but people only continue this behavior in environments that allow them to continue this behavior.

Leave. Don't even have a conversation about it. What pp suggested upthread about setting a boundary that's about what you do for yourself if/when this happens (again) is correct, but your immature asshat spouse doesn't need to hear that upfront. Just get your kid and leave.

When you come back, ask him if he's ready to have a civil, adult conversation. If he appears able, THEN you explain and clearly delineate the boundary. This way, he knows you mean it. It's not a threat; you've already done it. You're just taking the time to explain that it WILL happen again if/when he treats you like crap.

Never beg someone to treat you better. It's part of the game. Don't play. Just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before divorce or therapy, try setting a specific boundary.

"Hey DH. We've discussed many times you not flinging insults, using the middle finger, and threatening divorce when we disagree. I just wanted to let you know that if that happens again, I'm going to leave the room/house/whatever. It means a lot to me not to hear those words. That's just how I am."

See how the boundary is about what you want, not about him? It's clear, it's not an insult, so he should be able to take it well (if he doesn't, that's a big flag).

Then try it several times. If he doesn't let you enforce the boundary - for example if he follows you around the house calling you psycho - that's another really big red flag.

In the meantime, document everything. You have a pretty good case for cruelty in family court, but you need it in court-admissible format. Dates and times with specific but emotion-free descriptions of what happened. What he's doing is straight up verbal and emotional abuse since it's a pattern. If he can't/won't stop when you enforce a boundary, that's a really big flag.

OP: When we had a newborn and were very sleep deprived and stressed, he got into a habit of saying “f*** you” to me when we were fighting. I told him it was a boundary for me, and I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. I told him to never do it again. It happened again. And again. I eventually told him if he said it to me again, I would file for divorce. Of course, it happened again. And again.

Good for setting a boundary. But you didn't enforce it. There was not consequence for him. Yes it's his fault for calling your names, but you're staying and not taking action. It's really really hard. But you can't change him, only yourself and how you react to it. So get your ducks in a row and leave. Then if he sees the light he will change his behavior. But only if he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband doesn’t value you or respect you one ounce.

Hear me out before this gets totally dismissed— your DH talks to you like a dog. He doesn’t respect or value you. You’ve asked him to stop his insults and he won’t.

Go get attention from another man. Go feel beautiful, respected, valued, and cherished again. A little fling is such a self esteem booster when you’ve been with a man who takes pleasure in making you feel small and worthless, like your DH does. Plus, it couldn’t happen to anyone better than your DH!

Ah yes, cheat, because that will make him see how he's in the wrong.

Ignore this clown, OP.

[Anonymous]

Why are you still married to this freak?

[Anonymous]

If my husband gave me the finger, I’d probably give him one right back. Maybe two.

Your DH lacks empathy. Bullies don’t respond to empathetic logic. Fight back. Stand up for yourself. Maybe he will respect you more. Maybe he’s one of those people who thrive in chaos and confrontation. Next time he calls you a b, tell him he has a small dick.

[Anonymous]

Eventually it will become unbearable and you will divorce, I've seen it happen over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eventually it will become unbearable and you will divorce, I've seen it happen over and over again.

OP: I’m beginning to feel that way now. He gets upset when I tell him it feels hopeless because the horrible fights keep happening, but I know there will come a day— maybe not this month or even this year — but it’s not going to feel worth it anymore. It already feels like more work than joy.

[Anonymous]

Divorce for sure, but safely and carefully.

[Anonymous]

Don't threaten divorce and not follow through. It will just lead him to not respecting your boundaries because there is no negative consequence for him. Start getting things in order. Is this really the environment you want to raise your kid in? Even if he wasn't calling you names or giving you the finger, fighting constantly, especially something like who drops the kid off at daycare, is a sign that your marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

Just wait until he does this to your toddler. This is abuse. You are responsible for protecting you kid from witnessing their mother's abuse and experiencing it themselves - is this what you want for yourself and your kid. Fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you still married to this freak?

OP: I know marriage is hard, and we have a great deal of stress right now. While I didn’t include it in the post, I know I have my faults too. I know I make snide comments and add fuel to the fire sometimes during a fight too. I’m not trying to project as a poor, abused wife who just quivers in the corner. And we have kids. So, yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has said "F u" exactly twice to me in our 13 years of marriage and has never called me names. There are actual decent men out there. It's not worth it to be with someone who is so terrible to you. Your kid will grow up thinking it's ok to call her that or will call you names herself. Counseling for him and you together or that's it.

Same except 20 years. He has never called me names or given me the finger (come ON). He has said (rightly so) that I'm acting in such a way. So he'd never say 'you're a bit#ch' he'd calmly say you're acting quite bit#chy- is there a reason?
OP, you need to know that this kind of relationship exists and your DH is a loser.

[Anonymous]

Just so you know, this isn't normal and you shouldn't accept it. I've been with my husband 20 years and we get mad at each other plenty, but we NEVER name call/personally attack each other like that. Get out.