Tired of the name calling

[Anonymous]

Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I'd divorce.

Don't even bother with therapy.

[Anonymous]

What an a$$. Was he always like this? It seems as though he does not respect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What an a$$. Was he always like this? It seems as though he does not respect you.

Seems?!

[Anonymous]

DTMFA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd divorce.

Don't even bother with therapy.

OP: We’ve been talking about therapy (I see a therapist. He doesn’t.) as a couple, but I’ve just seen who is truly is so many times. We have so many conversations about “doing better the next time” we have a disagreement, and it’s so sad to me that “doing better” is just him not calling me names or threatening to divorce me.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like an emotionally unstable child. You're going to need thick skin and tons of therapy to fix that. Or just plan an exit strategy.

Hugs OP, I am sorry he is a not a good husband or father. Take care of yourself. I wish you strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What an a$$. Was he always like this? It seems as though he does not respect you.

OP: I say this to him all the time in quieter moments after a fight. “This stuff really hurts me because it *really* feels like you don’t respect me at all.” And he will just spiral and say that’s such an unfair statement, how I’m always looking at the negative instead of our positive interactions, how *I* am just as bad, etc.

[Anonymous]

They will always turn it around to deflect blame. You don't deserve his crap OP.

[Anonymous]

Before divorce or therapy, try setting a specific boundary.

"Hey DH. We've discussed many times you not flinging insults, using the middle finger, and threatening divorce when we disagree. I just wanted to let you know that if that happens again, I'm going to leave the room/house/whatever. It means a lot to me not to hear those words. That's just how I am."

See how the boundary is about what you want, not about him? It's clear, it's not an insult, so he should be able to take it well (if he doesn't, that's a big flag).

Then try it several times. If he doesn't let you enforce the boundary - for example if he follows you around the house calling you psycho - that's another really big red flag.

In the meantime, document everything. You have a pretty good case for cruelty in family court, but you need it in court-admissible format. Dates and times with specific but emotion-free descriptions of what happened. What he's doing is straight up verbal and emotional abuse since it's a pattern. If he can't/won't stop when you enforce a boundary, that's a really big flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before divorce or therapy, try setting a specific boundary.

"Hey DH. We've discussed many times you not flinging insults, using the middle finger, and threatening divorce when we disagree. I just wanted to let you know that if that happens again, I'm going to leave the room/house/whatever. It means a lot to me not to hear those words. That's just how I am."

See how the boundary is about what you want, not about him? It's clear, it's not an insult, so he should be able to take it well (if he doesn't, that's a big flag).

Then try it several times. If he doesn't let you enforce the boundary - for example if he follows you around the house calling you psycho - that's another really big red flag.

In the meantime, document everything. You have a pretty good case for cruelty in family court, but you need it in court-admissible format. Dates and times with specific but emotion-free descriptions of what happened. What he's doing is straight up verbal and emotional abuse since it's a pattern. If he can't/won't stop when you enforce a boundary, that's a really big flag.

OP: When we had a newborn and were very sleep deprived and stressed, he got into a habit of saying “f*** you” to me when we were fighting. I told him it was a boundary for me, and I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. I told him to never do it again. It happened again. And again. I eventually told him if he said it to me again, I would file for divorce. Of course, it happened again. And again.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. You don't deserve that. Maybe I'd give it one last go: make him enter therapy for a year while you continue with yours, and tell him that you cannot stay with him while he does X, Y, and Z.

[Anonymous]

We have the same problem in our house, but it's our immature teenager who acts like that, not a supposedly mature adult.

[Anonymous]

You married and had a baby with an a-hole.

If you threaten divorce, you had better follow through because otherwise you will never be taken seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before divorce or therapy, try setting a specific boundary.

"Hey DH. We've discussed many times you not flinging insults, using the middle finger, and threatening divorce when we disagree. I just wanted to let you know that if that happens again, I'm going to leave the room/house/whatever. It means a lot to me not to hear those words. That's just how I am."

See how the boundary is about what you want, not about him? It's clear, it's not an insult, so he should be able to take it well (if he doesn't, that's a big flag).

Then try it several times. If he doesn't let you enforce the boundary - for example if he follows you around the house calling you psycho - that's another really big red flag.

In the meantime, document everything. You have a pretty good case for cruelty in family court, but you need it in court-admissible format. Dates and times with specific but emotion-free descriptions of what happened. What he's doing is straight up verbal and emotional abuse since it's a pattern. If he can't/won't stop when you enforce a boundary, that's a really big flag.

OP: When we had a newborn and were very sleep deprived and stressed, he got into a habit of saying “f*** you” to me when we were fighting. I told him it was a boundary for me, and I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. I told him to never do it again. It happened again. And again. I eventually told him if he said it to me again, I would file for divorce. Of course, it happened again. And again.

It's time to file for divorce. Your child will be much better off without having to grow up with him.