Tired of the name calling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eventually it will become unbearable and you will divorce, I've seen it happen over and over again.

OP: I’m beginning to feel that way now. He gets upset when I tell him it feels hopeless because the horrible fights keep happening, but I know there will come a day— maybe not this month or even this year — but it’s not going to feel worth it anymore. It already feels like more work than joy.

I don't understand how you remotely feel like it's worth it now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay.
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

That’s. NOT. Love.

I agree with this. My parents marriage wasn't perfect, but my father never once cursed at my mother, or called her any names. He'd slam doors or cabinets, but that's it.

What a funky standard! Slam doors and cabinets, but don't raise a finger or say words...

I mean, is any of it "acceptable behavior"? No. But all of it is human behavior, and all humans get frustrated. It's unrealistic to expect them to never have ways of showing it.

It's not the behavior that is inherently problematic. It's that OP has expressed that she finds it disrespectful and upsetting, and that didn't motivate OP's spouse to shift. Personally, I'd view someone flipping me off as a sign of mild annoyance and immaturity; it wouldn't really phase me at all. Similarly, I don't really care about swears. But if you slam things around me, I'd interpret that as a sign of violent behavior, and that would upset me.

It's about OP's reaction to it, and how OP clearly communicated she didn't like it and spouse can't/won't stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you still married to this freak?

OP: I know marriage is hard, and we have a great deal of stress right now. While I didn’t include it in the post, I know I have my faults too. I know I make snide comments and add fuel to the fire sometimes during a fight too. I’m not trying to project as a poor, abused wife who just quivers in the corner. And we have kids. So, yeah.

Is this what your therapist tells you? That you're only getting what you deserve? If so, get a new therapist, and figure out why you think you should be treated this way.

But more importantly, figure out if you (1) want your kids to be treated that way and (2) want them to grow up being treated/treating others that way. Because both of those things will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay.
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

That’s. NOT. Love.

That should not remotely be an unpopular opinion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not gonna like this, but people only continue this behavior in environments that allow them to continue this behavior.

Leave. Don't even have a conversation about it. What pp suggested upthread about setting a boundary that's about what you do for yourself if/when this happens (again) is correct, but your immature asshat spouse doesn't need to hear that upfront. Just get your kid and leave.

When you come back, ask him if he's ready to have a civil, adult conversation. If he appears able, THEN you explain and clearly delineate the boundary. This way, he knows you mean it. It's not a threat; you've already done it. You're just taking the time to explain that it WILL happen again if/when he treats you like crap.

Never beg someone to treat you better. It's part of the game. Don't play. Just leave.

PP who mentioned boundaries. I think it's fair not to say it up front. To me (currently in a separation from a verbal/emotional abuse situation) I always feel better about my boundaries when they're out in the open before I enforce them. I've even heard it can be good to write down what you want to say and read it so you get it in that non-judgemental "this is what I need" way.

And OP - if you have kids plural doing this is flipping hard. I never figured out how to leave mid-fight after my kids had gone to bed. That meant when my boundaries were crossed I had to way up the ante and one of us had to move out.

[Anonymous]

Was he like this when you married him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not gonna like this, but people only continue this behavior in environments that allow them to continue this behavior.

Leave. Don't even have a conversation about it. What pp suggested upthread about setting a boundary that's about what you do for yourself if/when this happens (again) is correct, but your immature asshat spouse doesn't need to hear that upfront. Just get your kid and leave.

When you come back, ask him if he's ready to have a civil, adult conversation. If he appears able, THEN you explain and clearly delineate the boundary. This way, he knows you mean it. It's not a threat; you've already done it. You're just taking the time to explain that it WILL happen again if/when he treats you like crap.

Never beg someone to treat you better. It's part of the game. Don't play. Just leave.

PP who mentioned boundaries. I think it's fair not to say it up front. To me (currently in a separation from a verbal/emotional abuse situation) I always feel better about my boundaries when they're out in the open before I enforce them. I've even heard it can be good to write down what you want to say and read it so you get it in that non-judgemental "this is what I need" way.

And OP - if you have kids plural doing this is flipping hard. I never figured out how to leave mid-fight after my kids had gone to bed. That meant when my boundaries were crossed I had to way up the ante and one of us had to move out.

Yes, I'm PP who said I"m working to get out of a similar situation and it is really tough when you have a vulnerable child at home. I think my DH used that to his advantage- he would scream and yell and then just disappear, always knowing that I wouldn't leave my child alone at night, or without a ride to school, or whatever. His blow-ups were always timed just after bedtime or just before we both had to be somewhere. It's a ruthlessly efficient way of controlling and abusing someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he like this when you married him?

This questions always gets asked. NP and no, otherwise they wouldn't have gotten married. Turns out my DH uses close family relationships and marriage as a "safe place" where he can "be himself." I was startled after marriage to see him let his guard down and show me how badly he treated both his family of origin and me.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you can’t control his behavior or expect change. You can only control what you do and how you react.
Think of a scenario in your mind and decide what you will do differently- avoid, exit, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not gonna like this, but people only continue this behavior in environments that allow them to continue this behavior.

Leave. Don't even have a conversation about it. What pp suggested upthread about setting a boundary that's about what you do for yourself if/when this happens (again) is correct, but your immature asshat spouse doesn't need to hear that upfront. Just get your kid and leave.

When you come back, ask him if he's ready to have a civil, adult conversation. If he appears able, THEN you explain and clearly delineate the boundary. This way, he knows you mean it. It's not a threat; you've already done it. You're just taking the time to explain that it WILL happen again if/when he treats you like crap.

Never beg someone to treat you better. It's part of the game. Don't play. Just leave.

PP who mentioned boundaries. I think it's fair not to say it up front. To me (currently in a separation from a verbal/emotional abuse situation) I always feel better about my boundaries when they're out in the open before I enforce them. I've even heard it can be good to write down what you want to say and read it so you get it in that non-judgemental "this is what I need" way.

And OP - if you have kids plural doing this is flipping hard. I never figured out how to leave mid-fight after my kids had gone to bed. That meant when my boundaries were crossed I had to way up the ante and one of us had to move out.

Yes, I'm PP who said I"m working to get out of a similar situation and it is really tough when you have a vulnerable child at home. I think my DH used that to his advantage- he would scream and yell and then just disappear, always knowing that I wouldn't leave my child alone at night, or without a ride to school, or whatever. His blow-ups were always timed just after bedtime or just before we both had to be somewhere. It's a ruthlessly efficient way of controlling and abusing someone.

Btdt. Always stay with the kids to protect them. Jerk can walk out if he wants to.
I also packed “go bags” for kids so we could escape in a hurry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

Maybe that's all that works with you?
Try having a non-emotional conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

Maybe that's all that works with you?
Try having a non-emotional conversation.

OP: Are you advocating for name calling and rude gestures if someone is “emotional”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

Maybe that's all that works with you?
Try having a non-emotional conversation.

OP: Are you advocating for name calling and rude gestures if someone is “emotional”?

I didn't read it like that. Interesting that you think that though.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your DH is testerical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

Maybe that's all that works with you?
Try having a non-emotional conversation.

You sound like my DH, who deems any conversation that puts him in a bad light or makes him uncomfortable "too emotional." He thinks that if we have a rational conversation, he'll come out ahead. But if I talk in unemotional facts and logic, he feels cornered by the truth and then he gets emotional. And somehow that's ok.