Tired of the name calling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before divorce or therapy, try setting a specific boundary.

"Hey DH. We've discussed many times you not flinging insults, using the middle finger, and threatening divorce when we disagree. I just wanted to let you know that if that happens again, I'm going to leave the room/house/whatever. It means a lot to me not to hear those words. That's just how I am."

See how the boundary is about what you want, not about him? It's clear, it's not an insult, so he should be able to take it well (if he doesn't, that's a big flag).

Then try it several times. If he doesn't let you enforce the boundary - for example if he follows you around the house calling you psycho - that's another really big red flag.

In the meantime, document everything. You have a pretty good case for cruelty in family court, but you need it in court-admissible format. Dates and times with specific but emotion-free descriptions of what happened. What he's doing is straight up verbal and emotional abuse since it's a pattern. If he can't/won't stop when you enforce a boundary, that's a really big flag.

OP: When we had a newborn and were very sleep deprived and stressed, he got into a habit of saying “f*** you” to me when we were fighting. I told him it was a boundary for me, and I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. I told him to never do it again. It happened again. And again. I eventually told him if he said it to me again, I would file for divorce. Of course, it happened again. And again.

And did you file for divorce? No? So he’s now learned that he can do anything he wants and you won’t do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

You could be describing my marriage a decade ago. He'd yell, name call, use intimidation, make me wonder if he would hit me. I really wasnt sure what to do. I worried that my kids would grow up in a violent household, like the one I grew up in til my dad split.

But I was determined to give my kids a better life. I stuck it out and kept reasserting my boundaries. Eventually he stopped calling me names or flipping me off. He never makes movements that make me brace for impact. He still does use intimidation sometimes, mostly to silence me. But for the most part, it's peaceful. Maybe once a year, he acts like a jerk. The rest of the time, he's great.

I am offering this because people always say that men like this dont change. But my experience was different. The way things changed was that I went to a counselor through my employer EAP. I did 6 sessions focused on communicating boundaries. The therapist told me it wouldn't work and I was in danger. But I said, okay, let's pretend it will work and approach it like that. She taught me things like to tell him during a calm time that I wasnt okay with being screamed at, and the next time he screamed, I would not talk to him for 12 hours. I thought he'd scream at me just for telling him this, but he didn't. It worked. He'd call and scream and I'd remind him that if he screamed, we needed 12 hours incommunicado to cool off. This really seemed to break whatever cycle we were in.

I came here to DCUM right before all that. I don't really know what a normal relationship is like. So I asked people how often is normal for a man to scream at his wife, call names, punch walls, throw things etc. And every person said it's not normal. I felt appreciative for that insight. But I also felt like I was alone on an island, speaking a language no one could understand. OP, you're not alone. Your dream of a family and happy marriage is important and you deserve it. It is still possible, even with the circumstances you currently face. He can be better, it is possible for people to change. But prioritize changing this dynamic NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

It wouldn't happen anymore. Either he straight stops, or you're gone

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Mine told me today that if I talk to him like that again (we were arguing over something minor), he’ll kill me. Seems that we’ve reached a new low. Hard to believe someone like me could be in this position.

[Anonymous]

Please file for divorce.

First, get all finances in order. Ensure you know of everything and have access to everything. Ask your family for support and then file.

This is emotional and verbal abuse and it will get worse, including directed towards your child.

Do it now while your child is young and needs their Mom. It will likely be easier to get more physical custody even if the courts rule 50/50 because he just won’t want to deal with crying kid.

Second greatest regret after marrying my husband is not leaving while child was still a baby/toddler.

I cannot express how important it is to leave him now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

You could be describing my marriage a decade ago. He'd yell, name call, use intimidation, make me wonder if he would hit me. I really wasnt sure what to do. I worried that my kids would grow up in a violent household, like the one I grew up in til my dad split.

But I was determined to give my kids a better life. I stuck it out and kept reasserting my boundaries. Eventually he stopped calling me names or flipping me off. He never makes movements that make me brace for impact. He still does use intimidation sometimes, mostly to silence me. But for the most part, it's peaceful. Maybe once a year, he acts like a jerk. The rest of the time, he's great.

I am offering this because people always say that men like this dont change. But my experience was different. The way things changed was that I went to a counselor through my employer EAP. I did 6 sessions focused on communicating boundaries. The therapist told me it wouldn't work and I was in danger. But I said, okay, let's pretend it will work and approach it like that. She taught me things like to tell him during a calm time that I wasnt okay with being screamed at, and the next time he screamed, I would not talk to him for 12 hours. I thought he'd scream at me just for telling him this, but he didn't. It worked. He'd call and scream and I'd remind him that if he screamed, we needed 12 hours incommunicado to cool off. This really seemed to break whatever cycle we were in.

I came here to DCUM right before all that. I don't really know what a normal relationship is like. So I asked people how often is normal for a man to scream at his wife, call names, punch walls, throw things etc. And every person said it's not normal. I felt appreciative for that insight. But I also felt like I was alone on an island, speaking a language no one could understand. OP, you're not alone. Your dream of a family and happy marriage is important and you deserve it. It is still possible, even with the circumstances you currently face. He can be better, it is possible for people to change. But prioritize changing this dynamic NOW.

This is extremely rare and I do not agree with staying with the hope he will change.

OP, you have a very short window to leave and protect your child. Do not wait until child is order and becomes aware of the abuse. It will get worse.

By that time, it will be affecting your child and at times could and will be directed toward your child. This man has no boundaries and is abusive. He is dangerous.

Leave him now. If you wait, then he will have time alone with your kid post divorce and trust me, you will not want that.

Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Um. Leave him. That's pretty obvious.

[Anonymous]

Nip this in the bud now in therapy, and if he won't do that start thinking about divorce now or you will wake up one day like me, 25 years later, and kick yourself for not filing for divorce when you first realized this was not the way to be living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

This is the person you married so what do you expect from such a person? Your two options are couple's counseling or uncoupling.

[Anonymous]

Not that it justifies his behavior in any way but do you feel you indeed behaved like a psycho at times? What would happen if you hired help and lowered chore burdens for yourselves and became more relaxed? Would it help? Obviously, in addition to counseling.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of small children on top of outside jobs and household responsibilities can push any couple to their limits. On top of that lack of sleep, lack of sex, lack of money can really make you rivals instead of making you a team.

[Anonymous]

All you ladies yapping about "setting boundaries" have obviously never faced the futility of dealing with someone who doesn't have or respect any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

You could be describing my marriage a decade ago. He'd yell, name call, use intimidation, make me wonder if he would hit me. I really wasnt sure what to do. I worried that my kids would grow up in a violent household, like the one I grew up in til my dad split.

But I was determined to give my kids a better life. I stuck it out and kept reasserting my boundaries. Eventually he stopped calling me names or flipping me off. He never makes movements that make me brace for impact. He still does use intimidation sometimes, mostly to silence me. But for the most part, it's peaceful. Maybe once a year, he acts like a jerk. The rest of the time, he's great.

I am offering this because people always say that men like this dont change. But my experience was different. The way things changed was that I went to a counselor through my employer EAP. I did 6 sessions focused on communicating boundaries. The therapist told me it wouldn't work and I was in danger. But I said, okay, let's pretend it will work and approach it like that. She taught me things like to tell him during a calm time that I wasnt okay with being screamed at, and the next time he screamed, I would not talk to him for 12 hours. I thought he'd scream at me just for telling him this, but he didn't. It worked. He'd call and scream and I'd remind him that if he screamed, we needed 12 hours incommunicado to cool off. This really seemed to break whatever cycle we were in.

I came here to DCUM right before all that. I don't really know what a normal relationship is like. So I asked people how often is normal for a man to scream at his wife, call names, punch walls, throw things etc. And every person said it's not normal. I felt appreciative for that insight. But I also felt like I was alone on an island, speaking a language no one could understand. OP, you're not alone. Your dream of a family and happy marriage is important and you deserve it. It is still possible, even with the circumstances you currently face. He can be better, it is possible for people to change. But prioritize changing this dynamic NOW.

You need to divorce. Sorry.