Tired of the name calling

[Anonymous]

My husband has made comments about women being moody/emotional or telling me to "calm down" or "stop shouting" (when I'm not shouting).

My responses:
"I'm as emotional as you are being misogynistic - please mansplain to me how how should behave" - he considers himself a feminist sp this stops him dead in his tracks.

"I am calm given the circumstances. Do you want to see what not calm looks like? Tell me to calm down again."

"I'm not shouting, and I certainly can. Then I shout 'this is shouting'..."

Basically I just call out his absurdity. Sometimes he's too emotional to absorb it and I tell him "let's talk when you're less emotional". Other times, it de-escalates on its own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you still married to this freak?

OP: I know marriage is hard, and we have a great deal of stress right now. While I didn’t include it in the post, I know I have my faults too. I know I make snide comments and add fuel to the fire sometimes during a fight too. I’m not trying to project as a poor, abused wife who just quivers in the corner. And we have kids. So, yeah.

What does "So yeah" mean?

[Anonymous]

So he's abusive and you want to stay? With children?

He's not going to change. You set boundaries like no name calling and it's still the same? Divorce now.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay.
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

That’s. NOT. Love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay.
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

That’s. NOT. Love.

I agree with this. My parents marriage wasn't perfect, but my father never once cursed at my mother, or called her any names. He'd slam doors or cabinets, but that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay.
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

That’s. NOT. Love.

I agree with this. My parents marriage wasn't perfect, but my father never once cursed at my mother, or called her any names. He'd slam doors or cabinets, but that's it.

At least not that you saw.

[Anonymous]

I know this isn't the main issue- but how are those terms specific to women and their mental health? other than the b word?

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry, OP. I’m extracting myself from a similar situation. This is emotional and verbal abuse.

You need to know that people who are mentally well don’t pick fights and call people horrible names when there is a debate about who should take a child to daycare. Your DH is obviously pushing back against shared responsibilities and starting arguments/fights because he is unwilling to compromise and maybe also wants you to be the bad guy when he’s trying to slither out of something. Mine definitely does this. It is manipulative and immature. A normal person looks at a situation when both parents have a meeting at the same time and are tired and rushed and either sucks it up and does dropoff, or talks it through, and if they get their way they step up the next day and then some.

My DH never got over the fact that being part of a family meant that he would be #1 every second of the day, but he couldn’t step back and see it. It was everyone else’s fault, including our baby’s. And now he will be #1 but alone, because we’re moving out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

When my DH acted like this, it was a precursor to a mental breakdown. He has mental illness in his family and his biggest fear was losing control, so he was constantly projecting his fears and vulnerability on to other people. It was almost as if he thought that if he could prove that someone else was mentally ill or underage, then it wouldn’t be him that had mental illness. But alas, he definitely does.

[Anonymous]

The frequency of his comments, the use of gestures and the lack of remorse all suggest this is unfixable and goes way beyond the stress all new parents face.

I would stop talking to him about your feelings, stop debriefing and stop trying to create intimacy. I would insist on a separation and explain that you plan to eventually divorce. Keep it simple: You can say that as a mother you cannot let a growing child witness this or god forbid be subject to it. He will say you’re exaggerating, you’re selfish, kid will never hear, etc. but do not waver or get sucked into an argument.

After a few months you can consider what it would take to rebuild, but I don’t think he loves you or family life enough to put in the work to fix himself. He will always believe he isn’t crossing the line into misogyny or verbal abuse, but he is. And once he is comfortable seeing himself as the victim, financial or romantic betrayal is around the corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The frequency of his comments, the use of gestures and the lack of remorse all suggest this is unfixable and goes way beyond the stress all new parents face.

I would stop talking to him about your feelings, stop debriefing and stop trying to create intimacy. I would insist on a separation and explain that you plan to eventually divorce. Keep it simple: You can say that as a mother you cannot let a growing child witness this or god forbid be subject to it. He will say you’re exaggerating, you’re selfish, kid will never hear, etc. but do not waver or get sucked into an argument.

After a few months you can consider what it would take to rebuild, but I don’t think he loves you or family life enough to put in the work to fix himself. He will always believe he isn’t crossing the line into misogyny or verbal abuse, but he is. And once he is comfortable seeing himself as the victim, financial or romantic betrayal is around the corner.

Say more. What interesting insight! What is it about people who live in victimhood that sets them on a path toward financial and romantic betrayal? I agree with you wholeheartedly. Would just love to know more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay.
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

That’s. NOT. Love.

I agree with this. My parents marriage wasn't perfect, but my father never once cursed at my mother, or called her any names. He'd slam doors or cabinets, but that's it.

At least not that you saw.

They were very strict and controlling, and I was basically never allowed anywhere aside from school without them. If I was at school, my dad was at work. We were all home most of the time aside from school/work. So I saw them almost all the time, and my bedroom was next to theirs and could hear their tones of voices, though not the words. I am 99% certain he never cursed at her or called my mom names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until he does this to your toddler. This is abuse. You are responsible for protecting you kid from witnessing their mother's abuse and experiencing it themselves - is this what you want for yourself and your kid. Fix it.

And is this how you want your child to behave to their spouse? Because that’s exactly what is going to happen. I imagine this is how your husband’s parents/guardians acted toward each other too.

My ex had his faults but he never, ever called me a name or gave me the middle finger. Doing so is not acceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before divorce or therapy, try setting a specific boundary.

"Hey DH. We've discussed many times you not flinging insults, using the middle finger, and threatening divorce when we disagree. I just wanted to let you know that if that happens again, I'm going to leave the room/house/whatever. It means a lot to me not to hear those words. That's just how I am."

See how the boundary is about what you want, not about him? It's clear, it's not an insult, so he should be able to take it well (if he doesn't, that's a big flag).

Then try it several times. If he doesn't let you enforce the boundary - for example if he follows you around the house calling you psycho - that's another really big red flag.

In the meantime, document everything. You have a pretty good case for cruelty in family court, but you need it in court-admissible format. Dates and times with specific but emotion-free descriptions of what happened. What he's doing is straight up verbal and emotional abuse since it's a pattern. If he can't/won't stop when you enforce a boundary, that's a really big flag.

OP: When we had a newborn and were very sleep deprived and stressed, he got into a habit of saying “f*** you” to me when we were fighting. I told him it was a boundary for me, and I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. I told him to never do it again. It happened again. And again. I eventually told him if he said it to me again, I would file for divorce. Of course, it happened again. And again.

So what are you going to do about it now?

You either have a son, in which case he'll grow up thinking he can treat women like this, or you have a daughter, in which case she'll think this is how women should be treated. Do you want either of those?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has said "F u" exactly twice to me in our 13 years of marriage and has never called me names. There are actual decent men out there. It's not worth it to be with someone who is so terrible to you. Your kid will grow up thinking it's ok to call her that or will call you names herself. Counseling for him and you together or that's it.

Uh, mine has said it exactly never in 15 years.