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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay. 
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

[b]That’s. NOT. Love.[/b][/quote]

I agree with this. My parents marriage wasn't perfect, but my father never once cursed at my mother, or called her any names. He'd slam doors or cabinets, but that's it. [/quote]

What a funky standard! Slam doors and cabinets, but don't raise a finger or say words...

I mean, is any of it "acceptable behavior"? No. But all of it is human behavior, and all humans get frustrated. It's unrealistic to expect them to never have ways of showing it.

It's not the behavior that is inherently problematic. It's that OP has expressed that she finds it disrespectful and upsetting, and that didn't motivate OP's spouse to shift. Personally, I'd view someone flipping me off as a sign of mild annoyance and immaturity; it wouldn't really phase me at all. Similarly, I don't really care about swears. But if you slam things around me, I'd interpret that as a sign of violent behavior, and that would upset me.

It's about OP's reaction to it, and how OP clearly communicated she didn't like it and spouse can't/won't stop. [/quote]

I really disagree with this PP, who is, IMO, normalizing verbal and emotional abuse by saying the problem isn't the behavior it's that OP doesn't like it.  OP, that is what this is -- abuse. This kind of abuse is often described as "coercive control," where the abuser uses foul language, criticism and/or physical behavior short of hitting as a way of getting the victim partner to modify their behavior in advance so as to avoid the verbal and emotional outbursts.

It *is* about the and that behavior is inherently problematic.  It is not your responsibility to "motivate" your spouse to shift.  And, being flipped off and swearing are not behaviors that anyone should tolerate in a relationship.  All adults should be able to use their words to express concerns or disagreements in healthy ways.  The fact that some (many?) adults don't have this skill doesn't mean you have to tolerate it.

Please take this seriously and read up on verbal abuse and coercive control, because it often escalates over time.  I was with a verbal abuser for several years before he threatened to beat me.  Because I stood up for myself, I thought it would stop, but of course, it happened again.  I left the second time. (I feel like an idiot that I even wrote that sentence -- how could I, a very well-educated, well-resourced woman, knowledgeable about abuse,  not have left at the first physical threat or even the first verbal abuse?)

Couples therapy with an abuser is not the standard of care and a therapist who would participate in that is not a good therapist.  Please get your own individual therapist; they can help you work on yourself - setting effective boundaries, pursuing your own life goals so that you can be independent, considering when/how to leave, etc.  You also have to learn to regulate your emotions and communicate in a healthy way.  Your behavior is not the cause of your spouse's abuse, but we are each responsible for our own behavior and if you are being snide, etc., that needs to stop both for yourself and also as a model for your children.

And, speaking, of children, you are in deep delusion if you think your fights aren't affecting your kids, even if they are very young.  You are modeling for them what kind of treatment they can expect from others and how they can expect to treat others.  I personally grew up with a verbally abusive parent, and it affected me greatly -- contributing to my acceptance of abuse from future partners and really making me afraid to try things and afraid to make errors, thus really limiting me.  Even as an adult, when people are angry at me (with or without reason), I just go straight to fright or flight and fawning. It's terrible.

[url]https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/PowerandControl.pdf[/url]

Let's be real -- it's very unlikely that your DH will change his behavior - abusers rarely do.  Perhaps a tiny minority who really recognize their own behavior and its impact and really want to work on change, those abusers, with the help of extensive long term therapy, maybe they can make lasting changes.  If your DH is unwilling to recognize his own behavior, be accountable and change, it is really not your job (and not within your power) to make him change.  Yes, he might be "nice" for a few weeks or months, but he will always slip back to the abuse.  That is the cycle of abuse.  [url]https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse#reconciliation[/url]

Healthy relationships are different.  [url]https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Equality.pdf[/url][/quote]

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